Fantasising: Sick or not?

Nana,

Thanks for the welcome.

Here’s what I think: African women are the most repressed sexuallly, basically because we are either seen as hypersexual (by non-Black men) and then for the most part, we are seen as ‘receptacles’ by our own men.

So, if we are with the non-blacks, we are usually in a position where we are fulfilling their fantasies and we may act in a way that has nothing to do with how we want to feel, what we want to experience sexually etc. We may just be fulfilling their fetish and act accordingly…

With most of our own men, it’s about him, his orgasm, his pleasure… (at least with ‘typical’ African men). My Tanzanian friend’s mom was telling us how her husband’s idea of foreplay while they are in bed is to tell her ‘turn around and face me’.

So, how on earth are we supposed to find a safe ground to just experience ourselves, to say this is who i am, this is what I want etc? You feel me? it’s like we’re already boxed in by both sides…. (I hope that makes sense)

About sick fantasies:

Well, as an African (eastern one) I think for me, anything that involves animals or multiple men or children (or faeces/pee etc) would be sick.

And I’m too jealous to allow another woman into the picture

My fantasies are pretty run of the mill. I love talking dirty and drove my ex insane with that. He was one of those nice African ‘holy joes’ who’d wanted to become a priest!

I think I’m one of those repressed people. LOL

Although I just found this blog yesterday, I wouldn’t have commented for a couple reasons:

1) I’m not quite comfortable discussing this topic in a public forum. Even among friends, I don’t really discuss my personal experience as much as talking in general. However, whomever I’m in a relationship with… that’s another story.

2) I don’t really have any outrageous fantasies. Idris Elba or some other handsome chocolate man. LOL No women. Possibly food… but nothing worth commenting about. Nothing that would be considered “sick.”

I agree with the above commenter… sick = socially deviant. But perhaps people didn’t really talk because they felt it might be too graphic (not sick, but detailed).

To answer the other questions, none of my fantasies have become reality. LOL Do any of you know Idris? But that’s also because I’ve been abstinent for a few…well, several…years now.

I don’t know about other people, but I don’t have a single, recurrent fantasy that I could narrate. I depends on my mood, the time of day and what I’ve seen/heard/tasted recently.
I have to say though, my fantasies always involve me being a lot thinner than I am at the moment…and I think that’s a problem I need to fix!

Hehehe…Idris Elba? Ah girl.. you need to get with the Chiwetel Ejiofor train. Or you prefer them much darker? LOL ok ok Djimon Hounsou??

Anyway its a complex topic but I think women like to pretend.. but only becos soceity is quick to judge, label and form opinions based on ones sexuality/ level of sexual freedom.

Hi Bijou – I agree with you that the sexuality of African women is often misrepresented – hopefully we are starting in a small way to change some of those misconception on this blog. I’m curious did your “dirty” talk drive your ex insane with pleasure or insane in a negative sense?

Hey lovelylind – you are making me laugh!I feel you on fantasising about food. Mmm, chocolate cake…perhaps on a chocolate man I don’t know who Idris Elba is though…I am very interested in the subject of abstinence. How does one negotiate sexuality in the context of abstinence?

Hi Asabea – Ditto to fantasising about being thinner. I remember being thinner though and thinking “I am actually not happier”. I used to think before that I will be sooo happy when I’m slim and I wasn’t. I am happy now though…and curvy to boot!

Hiya Brown Angel – Hmm, women like to pretend? Is that true ladies?

Nana Darkoa

@Nana,

It drove him insane with pleasure. I love to talk dirty like I said, and since he was a typical ‘nerdy’ African guy, all the raw stuff I said would send him into total frenzy. Moaning, simpering etc.

I don’t think he ever thought those kinds of words could come out of an African girls mouth…

Also the fact that I took charge during sex. I’d order him around and make him do this or that, and I’d make him beg.

It was really strange seeing him so serious and upright when we were out in public, but the minute we were being intimate, he ceded all control… It was good, though he was too retro in the sense that he didn’t know how to excite me (without my prompting). I realised that some men sort of give up on trying to please a woman when they think that sexually, she’s out of their league. He began to just lean back and expect me to do everything and that made it time to go (but there were other factors).

I don’t know, maybe some men can’t handle a sexually aggressive/assertive African woman?

For me, I need a man that’s as assertive as I am. But I’m the dominant one sexually…

Just had to add this:

Also, I love lingerie, and I especially love ‘nasty’ lingerie

The crotchless kind with the nipples popping through the bra… I think that drove my ex even wilder.

Sometimes I think African men are in the same repressed position we are. They have this idea of marrying a ‘good’ girl who wears those big panties and is ready for missionary position. The kind of girl that they can present to their mother… Or at least one who will leave them with the feeling (in the back of their minds) that she is ‘respectable’ and ‘decent’.

But maybe what they really need is a decent African girl with crotchless panties.

Though my ex was turned on by my antics and lingerie, he was horrified when I said i wanted to try a vibrator/dildo and that I wanted him to use it on me.

He actually felt that his manhood was threatened and told me no because ‘vibrators don’t get tired’ and that using one with me would give him no excitement!

I have to find a good respectable open-minded African man who is into MY excitement.

You don’t know who Idris Elba is? Only the dreamiest man ever! Google him… he’s half Sierra Leone and half Ghanaian… And to answer Brown Angel, yes… I like darker men, but I’ll take Chiwetel, too. LOL

As far as your question, Nana, I really do not know the answer. I’ve been abstinent for years, but I’ve also not had a serious boyfriend, either. I understand sexuality encompasses more than just sex, but I think I may need more specifics. It’s late and my brain is off now. lol

For the longest time I was part of the “anything but” club, claiming abstinence but always within a hair’s breadth (often literally) of doing the deed. I’m glad I let go of that pretense.

@ Nana. It would be nice if you would do a post about abstinence. I believe that abstinence as a personal choice (out of freewill, not guilt or pressure) is a big part of sexuality too. And I was hoping you’d write about that.
Most of the time, the sexual revolution talks about how are free to have sex, and while that is true, I often wonder, what about people like me, who because of personal, religious, or whatever reason have decided to abstain (OF OUR OWN FREE WILL) – what about us? do we not count? just a thot.

hi. me again – I was talking about abstinence, but unlike Shane (total abstinence – no masturbation, porn, or anything else that can be consrtrued as sexual.

I can’t speak for others but I think I am reluctant to share my fantasies in a public forum because it is the very intimacy of fantasies that makes them so delicious.

But I would have to say girl on girl action. I dream about it sometimes (do women have wet dreams?) and at first I thought that meant I was a lesbian until I read an older post of yours where you said women’s sexuality isn’t really defined the way men’s is (I feel like the end of this sentence is grammatically funny…hmm).

I can’t believe I just shared my fantasy with a bunch of (very insightful) people that I don’t know. I tell my boyfriend about it sometimes and he’s ok with it as long as it remains a fantasy…sigh. The farthest I can go for him is to kiss a girl on the lips and only a very small “innocent” kiss. Lol. How do men feel about their partners and girl-on-girl action?

Bijou, I think we need a post from you on how to take control in the bedroom! Let me know if you are interested. Yep I have also realised talking dirty does a lot for guys. I am not sure if it does that much for me though and beyond a few stock phrases I never know what to say. I think all men need to get on board with having a vibrator in bed … guys you can think of it as a threesome but with a vibrator

Lovelylind – I googled Idris Elba and Mmmm, I won’t kick him out of my bed…I think of sexuality as pleasureable stimulation of the senses – touch, taste, sight. I shall look for/think of a proper definition and update you later

Shane – Thanks for sharing. As you can tell you have stimulated an interest in abstinence and sexuality which leads me on to…

Anon – Abena and I were discussing via FB your request for a post on abstinence…stay tuned

Anon 2 (I am assuming this is a different anon?)That’s very useful insight on the intimacy of fantasties. I suspect that most women’s fantasy is girl on girl…(of course I may be wrong)

Nana,

Sure! Whenever you are ready, I’m ready. I don’t know how to email you, but you can contact me through my email which probably appears in your dashboard when I post.

And thanks so much!

@anon talking abstinence in total, i guess that means you have to migrate to some island where it’s only you and even so you would have to stand few more tests! else i wonder how much you would achieve with that ‘totalitarian’ cos you have to see your own ‘cuchy’, touch it some and so own! when in the bath?

i’m just wondering how you can achieve that kind of total abstinence! and if you do have dreams which you recall then surely you mind must play on you once in a while! a lot of the movies that come these days involve at least one kiss!

enjoy cos i’m enjoying you!

Alright, so i sometimes comment on the posts but usually anonymously because after my very first comments one of my friends asked me how i could talk abt sex so openly and that kind of gave me a reality check and sent me into hiding:)

If i were to talk abt my sexual fantasies, ehrm, i’d probably come accross as a really bad girl. lol. I have the sick ones…not the mild ones like say kissing a girl. lol. So how can i tell them. Maybe i’ll log on anonymously and post except now that i’ve said that everyone will know its me so there goes that.

Someone asked me this question when I wanted to talk abt something sex-related…why do you need to share something so private with the whole world? For that person, it’s okay to have your fantasies but must everyone know about them, and what benefit do you derive from that?

Bijou – you can email me at adventuresfrom[at)]gmail.com
I retain the right to edit, accept or reject any posts…I doubt if I will have the need to do either so really excited and looking forward to your contribution

Novisi – So you’re not a fan of abstinence then?

Esi – …and I thought you had stopped reading/commenting. Glad to know you are still tuned in. Will wait for those sick fantasties:) Go on girl!

Perhaps it has certain voyeuristic payoffs to talk about your most private thoughts in a public forum of complete strangers.

I’m firmly on the girl-on-girl band wagon (menage a trois(s) occur less often) and I have to say, I have been worried lately that I might be lesbian (‘worried’ because Catholic…and I s’pose ‘unliberated’…hmm). So it’s interesting to discover that others have similar experiences. Out of curiousity Nana, do you ever wonder as to your sexuality?

For a bit of perspective, a good-ole male rutting daydream gets me off just as well, but my fantasies do seem to feel more exciting when my faceless lover is female. Problem is I mostly run out of things to do with her much sooner than I care for. And also I feel soo damned guilty about it afterwards.

My fantasies rearly feature actual people in my life, it maybe some actor from a movie (Stacey Ann Chin, Jennifer Connelly, Taye Diggs have all been frequent participants) and even more often my companion is faceless.

Anon – Are you trying to drag me out of the closet on my own blog? Lol! On a more serious note, I consider myself to be heterosexual. I believe we choose our sexuality (I know millions disagree with me)and life is hard enough as a black, African (Ghanaian) woman.

I share your girl on girl fantasties though

Nana Darkoa

I love this blog! Just discovered it via Esi’s one, thanks all around!!!

I do think African women are repressed, which is a shame. I think we are often repressed (as some1 mentioned b4) by our men. I think many African men find it threatening when their women show excitement and aggression in bed. But those are the times I have the most fun and THE BEST orgasms!

I think when you are comfortable enough with your partner there is nothing better than airing your fantasies. I don’t have the girl-on-girl or menage trois one’s but plenty of others. Voyeurism and dirty talk all the way! All my fantasies involve the threat of being caught, the larger the threat the better

I recently fantasied about breaking into my local bed…shop(?) and having sex on the main display bed in the front window, on the main road while the alarms were going off….mmmmm, I stood outside that shop 4 ages!!! Am I boring? But that really does it for me. Crotchless underwear etc, I can definitely understand all that or going around commando with no1 knowing then randomly straddling your guy in the park, on the bus and no1 necessicarily knows, hehehehe, mmmmmmmmmmm

@@Nsoromma – just re-reading this post and imagining someone breaking into a bed shop and going at it full pelt – lol, that will be a good scene in a movie

As a guy, I think fantasies can have no boundaries. Reality is another story. In reality there are laws to abide by. My fantasies run the gamut of everthing from animals to crossdressing to children but reality rules my life and I would never ever do anything that might land me in jail where I might become someones bitch.

@Dan – Thanks for sharing. Yep, some fantasties definitely have to stay fantasies

Well, I guess I do qualify to be in the sick section but its really not that bad when everyone thinks about it. I tend to be a bit aggressive and so far, my ex’s enjoy that a lot. Choking while penetrating is on top of the list. I am not talking about trying to squeeze the life out of someone but a gentle, firm choke can be such a turn on. Another is playing with and licking the asshole. I am a guy and love it being done to me and viceversa. Another is my back being scratched and leaving marks.

Disclaimer: Wine is usually a culprit..

@Nana, another namesake – Interestingly I have had two people recently share similar fantasties with me recently. I guess they are not fantasties though because they act on it ( like you do) and their partners are cool with it. I guess my concern with asphixation as part of sex is that I am always (okay, obiously not always) hearing about some celebrity who died as a result. To be fair I think all those celebrities were also drug addicts so did not realise when they were going to far. What do you think? How you determine when squeezing becomes dangerous and not so much of a thrill.

Charle, some of us are obviously missing out on the joys of the arsehole …

Well Nana, I agree with the bad judgements of celebrities and going to far when on drugs. I think when the hot moans turns to coughing and gaging, its time to ease up and just nibble.

I dey tell you, the arsehole is a very delicate unexplored area especially by guys because of the gay stigma.

I ADORE THIS BLOG, just stumbled upon it but i can already tell that i will become a regular visitor, i believe i am a repressed African woman, but i’m working on accepting my sexuality as a fundamental part of me, in that light i would have to say that most of my fantasies revolve around girl on girl and had i been born anywhere but Ghana i strongly believe i would be full on lesbian as it is i’m bi-sexual

@mz undderstood – Thank you for the kind words! Re girl on girl: I hear you – You can rest assured that you are not the only one