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Guest Contributor Darian: Good Christian Girls Don’t Have Sex…

I am a virgin, always have been, and will hopefully (cross my fingers and pray fervently!) not always remain so. When I was growing up, the sole purpose of my virginity was my religion – good Christian girls don’t have sex if they aren’t married was drummed into my head in church, school and home. Abstinence was the be all, end all of Christianity, and the very mark of a good girl. And being a good girl, and wanting Jesus to be proud of me (I have always been somewhat of a pleaser, you see) I have remained completely abstinent. In addition to all that, I could also self-righteously look down my nose at others who didn’t abstain.

Then I got out of Ghana and went to College in the States. In this liberal, wholly different environment, I began to think, research what others had to say, and came up with valid reasons why I believe what I believe. I am still a virgin now, but now I have many concrete reasons for it, and all of those reasons in the end find their way back to my faith.

I won’t hide that I am a virgin, but I don’t wear it on my shoulders like a bleeding heart either (at least I hope I don’t). And I have learned that a hymen really has nothing to do with whether or not one is a ‘good’ girl. After all, there are so many things you can do without breaking a hymen, and none of them are virginal. I have also learned that abstinence is NOT the sum of all things in my religion – there are far more important issues to worry about, like integrity, responsibility, world peace, and stuff like that.

I still believe very much in abstinence, but I also know now that a hymen is never the sum total of womanhood, it never was. I am a woman, whether or not I am a virgin. And I also don’t think that when God looks at me, he sees a vagina with a hymen – no. I am a person first and foremost, and His child too.

I have changed in many ways, albeit in many others I have also remained the same. While I am still the quite religious, quite conservative girl that I was at home, and am often scandalized by what I read on this blog, I know that important conversations must not be avoided because they are hard. I have gotten much better at understanding that not everyone agrees with me, and that it is okay that people choose differently from me. I am more confident in my sexuality now. My friends tell me that I still sound preachy (but then again, I always sound that way about the things I believe), but that I don’t sound condescending. So it looks as if I am making progress.

I am not saying abstinence is easy, it is not but refraining from sex is how I choose to express my sexuality. I am curious, do you practice abstinence because of your faith? Is it a challenge? Or are you a Christian who has sex and feels guilty (or not guilty) about the act? How do you deal with the contradiction?

Or what about those who choose not to abstain? When did you make your decision? Were there any triggers?

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Published on: 10 July 2009 by in General Issues

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84 Comments
  1. Nana says:

    I was a virgin until I was almost 23 years old. I stayed a virgin that long (it sometimes felt long as some of my close friends were in sexually intimate relationships) because I did not want to get pregnant and I did not want guys to talk about me and tell all their friends that they had had sex with me…that didn’t stop the boys though. Faith didn’t play much of a role for me.

    I decided to have sex because I felt ready – that it was about time!

  2. Shane says:

    I am curious about the extent of your chastity, especially since you say “there are so many things you can do without breaking a hymen, and none of them are virginal”. I was a virgin until I was 21 years old mostly because of my faith and because I was afraid of getting pregnant. I eventually gave it up because I was (still am) in a stable, loving relationship for many many years and felt I was ready. I went on the pill and always use condoms but there was still the issue of my faith. I felt my claim to virginity was quite hypocritical because my bf and I would get naked, give/receive oral sex, dry hump, everything but vaginal penetration (with a penis hehe). I figure sexual impurity is sexual impurity; God won’t say “Oh he didn’t put it in so it’s ok”. I guess I was ‘owning my sin’, so to speak. Can you claim complete purity or are you an “everything but” kind of virgin?

    Because the Bible clearly forbids sex before marriage, I’m not in denial that my actions go against my faith. I don’t feel particularly guilty though because I have been able to compartmentalize these different areas of my life. It’s not ideal and my spiritual life is certainly worse off for it but it’s working…

    p.s. I got the “good christian girls don’t have sex” upbringing too, and in many ways I am still a good christian girl 🙂

  3. Darian says:

    @Nana – I think that is the best way to have sex – after making a conscious decision to, not because of fear or pressure….

    @Shane – I am completely abstinent. If ever I were to break my virginity, I wouldn’t do ‘everything but’ – I couldn’t. It’s all or nothing for me. But you are right, there are many other things to being a good christian girl than sex, 🙂

  4. I was reading this post and thought I wrote it. I fall into the “good Christian girl who feels guilty after the act” category. Sometimes I tell myself I am confused and other times I tell myself I am just making excuses. Somewhere in that confusion is the concept of “sin.” Basically, I have no answers.

    I hope this post gets more comments (as many as some of the raunchier posts). I’m glad all the dimensions of sexuality can be discussed here.

    • Bill says:

      Preacher’s wife: Were you a virgin @ marriage?
      Or had you “done things” with guys before you married?
      Just curious because I know many “good Christian girls” go pretty far with the guys they date…
      …many let them go all the way & push deep into their “innocent” Christian pussies, which crave their mens’ cocks.

  5. Sugabelly says:

    So people who have never had sex before don’t realise that abstinence is incredibly easy. Take it from someone who isn’t a virgin. Abstinence is so easy half the time I wonder why I even bothered having sex in the first place.

  6. Sugabelly says:

    Oh, by the way, maybe you should read my post on virginity. It’s a bit long, but I’ve been told it’s great reading.

    http://sugabelly.blogspot.com/2009/02/of-virgins-and-virginity.html

  7. Darian says:

    @Preacher’s wife – I also hope this post gets more comments. How do you deal with it though, the contradiction?

    @ Sugar belly. I read your blog, and dang girl! It was spot on. I think it is only idiots who expect girls but but not boys to be abstinent. I think abstinence is easy if you choose complete abstinence. I don’t know what sex or humping or masturbating or whatever feels like, so I don’t know what i am ‘missing’, so it doesn’t bother me. But I think it becomes much more difficult if you in a relationship and your boyfriend/girlfriend wants to have sex, or if you used to be sexually active and then decided to abstain for whatever reason. I also think abstinence becomes more difficult the deeper a relationship gets (even if both of you are committed to abstinence)…. Oh, and that picture! (on your blog – whoa!!!)

  8. novisi says:

    ok!

    religion is the opium of the masses but i know two things:

    1. good christian gals have good sex!!!

    2. good christian boys have good sex!!!

    thus this hapens on any other day apart from Sundays. so then the Sabath day is maintained holy.

  9. Sugabelly says:

    @Darian.

    Well I used to be sexually active and now I’m not. It’s actually easier to abstain AFTER having sex than before. I think before your hormones are a bit more pent up and of course there’s always the ever present… curiosity.

  10. Darian says:

    @ Sugabelly – really? wow. I didn’t know all that. Well, thanks for sharing, and i stand corrected. really (sorry, you’re the only person who’s ever said that to me before). So, what made you decided to abstain again?

    @Novisi – sure,good Christian girls and boys do have good sex (after all, why would you continue having sex if it was bad?

    • Bill says:

      Yes, good Christian girls/ boys have LOTS of sex.
      The innocent Christian girls want to see what sex feels like.
      She doesn’t seem to care that the nonchristian boy she’s dating is the one — not the Christian man she may later marry — who will take her Christian innocence.

      A big mistake she makes is engaging in heavy foreplay where they engage in A LOT of “everything…but (penetration).
      But soon, all the sensations he gives her via mutual oral gets to her.
      She doesn’t want him to stop as he prepares to enter & fuck her good-girl pussy.

      She gives him a loving look as he prepares to enter her.
      She closes her eyes as he slowly slides his hard, nonChristian penis into her “Sister in Christ” pussy, which soooo wants to be fucked.

  11. Ms A says:

    It’s great to remain abstinent because of your religion, but I think sometimes abstaining from sex is easier for some more than others because of your genetic make-up. I’d like to think I’m a good Christian sex, but I do like sex, I’ve tried to abstain and it hasn’t been easy. And that’s not because I’m weak or not serious about my faith, but because I’m wired this way. I have friends who are in relationships, some are religious, others aren’t and they do not like sex. Their brains are not programmed that way and they could go years without it. So for someone like that, abstinence is easy for them and no sacrifice.

  12. Ms A says:

    Sorry, one line in the comment above, should have read: ‘I’d like to think I’m a good Christian girl’. See, sex on the brain. ALWAYS!

  13. Sugabelly says:

    @Darian: Right now the man I’m in love with is in a different country. I don’t want to be with anyone else so I’m waiting until I see him. As it is I haven’t seen him for a year. Plus we have our issues.

    But sex definitely isn’t like air. It’s much harder to go on a diet than abstain from sex. To be completely honest with you, the element that makes abstaining from sex hard is if you have a significant other that actively wants sex from you.. like now!! That makes it much harder.

    I like sex. Scratch that. I love sex, but I’ve found I love sex with him, and he’s not here so I couldn’t care less. When he is here, it will be harder, but not even near difficult. (There are other ways I can appease him to make up for the lack of sex ;D)

  14. Blackwize says:

    I think just like sex, virginity is overrated. To quote John Milton, “every whore was once a virgin”.

    I’m a christian man and strongly believe in abstinence but to say, abstaining for 5 years before marrying my gf was easy will make me a big liar. I learnt quickly that relationships make you vulnerable. I barely survived.

    I believe sometimes, we are in a hurry to lower the standards so everybody can be comfortable but in the long term, it doesn’t help much.

  15. Nsoromma says:

    I think this is all a bit tricky! I definitely fall into the category of Christian girls who feel bad after the fact. Sometimes, REALLY bad. But from a totally neutral position, what is it to feel bad once I’m sated?

    I don’t think virginity is overrated and for all the mind-blowing orgasms I have had, If I could go back and erase them I’m not sure I wouldn’t. I will definitely encourage my future kids to abstain. I think it is desirable, socially, from a sexual health perspective and from an emotional perspective.

    ALSO, abstinence is easier when you’ve already had sex? WOW, I need counselling from you! When I was a virgin, nothing drove me harder towards it than pure curiously, forget outside influences I wanted to know. Now, I’m a veteran (lol) I believe my sex drive is NO MATCH for that curiosity I felt.

  16. Darian says:

    lol @ your comment, Nosoromma. And I do agree that abstinence isn’t overrated. But what made you decide to put an end to your abstinence?

  17. Sankofa says:

    Yes Sugabelly, tell us your secret because abstinence was most DEFINITELY easier in my virgin state. When I entered my post-virginity state, let’s just say all hell broke loose in the desire stakes. Abstinence when the person you actually want to have sex with is around is damn near impossible. And yes, I too like to think I’m a ‘good Chrisitan girl’ and the guilt never gets any easier. It’s just pushed away to be worried about later.

  18. GG says:

    Wow this has been a very interesting read. I just found out about this blog and I am in awe of many of the posts. I had to comment on this one and answer when and triggers. This is going to be long history:
    I was brought up in a Christian home and taught that sex is only for married couples and God would not be happy with you. So I decided to be a virgin until I got married. On the flip side I was being sexually molested at a young age and grew through my teen years with it still going on. As I got older I finally stood up for myself and put an end to it. By that time everything else but penetration had occurred. I felt God was displeased with me anyway so I might as well do it and see what all the fuss was about. I conscientiously chose the date of my first time with my first love. Funny thing is the more sexually active I became the more distant and dry my relationship with God became. My second real relationship started off even more sexually active than the first. But after some time I fixed my relationship with God and decided to stop. Then came the hard part. We tried unsuccessfully to abstain until we got married. Each time we failed I would feel horribly guilty. Things didn’t work out eventually and we broke up. Since then I have been in other relationships but I am maintaining abstinence and it is not easy but I believe it is the best decision I ever made. Lets be honest as exciting as sex is, it comes with alot of drama such as pregnancy scares and all the scary diseases like Herpes, HIV, HPV and the whole list of STD’s plus the emotional vulnerability and mind games. Before I get all the comments about condoms I must say they are NOT 100% efficient and I am one of a rare few people in the world who react to condoms. But MOST importantly for me is my relationship with God. I have a better understanding of what a relationship with Him truly means. It isn’t just about do’s, don’ts and thou shalt nots. So for that reason I will abstain until I am married now.

  19. Darian says:

    Thanks for sharing your story, GG, and I am very sorry to hear that you were molested. I hope you told someone about it and I hope they got justice for you.

  20. Nsoromma says:

    @ Darian – I must confess I made no big decision to not abstain, I believe I have just been weak. I would love to abstain and though when I’m not getting any I sometimes feel frustrated, I always feel better about myself and my relationship with God when I do abstain. So, now I’m back at that place where I’ve decided that I will abstain (yet again) and I want to keep it this time because the minutes that the orgasm last do not compare to the guilt I feel. What is worse is when you don’t even reach that peak, then it has been an out-and-out waste! KMT. I think you just have to come to a place where you look at what you get from sex and if it’s what you need. I know I’m not getting what I’m looking for so I’ve decided to stop looking for it there, just seems to make sense for me.

  21. Shane says:

    @Nsoromma – orgasms that last minutes??? i need me some of those 🙂

  22. Darian says:

    @ Nsoromma – that’s excellent that you’ve decided on abstinence again! I think this bit of news has just made my day – it’s always great to find more partners in crime :D……..

  23. J says:

    Wandered into this thread randomly from someone’s blog link, and it makes for an interesting read. Myself, I’m a white male, and hopefully not unwelcome to comment.

    I’m 32, and a virgin. Not an “everything but” virgin but a “no sexual contact” virgin. I find staying mentally pure is a far harder battle than staying physically pure. For me, the first reason is certainly a religious one. It’s already been said on the thread that the Bible makes it clear God’s standard is no sex except inside the context of marriage. Certainly, fear of causing a pregnancy or getting an STD are also valid reasons. I’m pleased to see that a couple of people also mentioned emotional reasons. The culture portrays sexual liasons as having little impact, for the most part, if you go by television and music. But I’m a firm believer that sex is designed to create and nurture emotional bonds for its intended role inside marriage, and therefore still effects some portion of those emotional bonds when used outside marriage. If you really watch people, you’ll find that most of those who’ve been through multiple sexual relationships carry some sort of baggage along with them. If nothing else, there is a natural tendency to compare experiences with a current partner against experiences with past partners. That’s not just a sexual thing, every area of relationships tends to get compared between multiple relationships experienced. But it certainly enters in sex, and has the potential to create a dissatisfaction that need not be there.

    On the topic of maintaining abstinece, I have a few questions I think pertinent, some of which apply even to the non-Christian with non-religious reasons for abstaining. I hope they come across as helpful rather than preachy.

    1) Are you dating guys who share your view on abstinence? Yes, this narrows the playing field a lot. Do note I didn’t ask are you dating virgins; I asked are you dating guys who share your views. A virgin is certainly a double-plus, but the comments on this thread certainly bear out that there are people who’ve made mistakes before but are committed to remaining a virgin now. Christ died to give us forgiveness for sexual sins just as any other sin. Why shouldn’t you date people who don’t share your views? Because you’re attempting to maintain a committment, and involving yourself with someone who doesn’t share it is choosing to put temptation in your own path. You’re setting a trap for your own self. If you want to keep the committment, whether it’s a first committment or a renewed committment, stick to people who share your committment, even if it means letting a really attractive person pass by.

    2) Are you putting too much strain on your brakes? What does that mean, you may ask? Are you engaging in actions that lead up to sex while trying to remain sexually pure? Sex rarely occurs in normal circumstances without a leadup of heavy kissing and ‘petting’. Think of it like trying not to fall off a cliff. Is driving at top speed towards the cliff and trying to put your brakes on at the last second a good strategy for not going over it? Not really. Staying well away from the area leading up to the cliff is much safer. Yes, this means setting some rules up front and sticking to them hard and fast, and it will often make you the weird prude. But committment sometimes means doing the unpopular thing, and wisdom means using strategies that best achieve your objective. Letting things get physical is again setting a trap for yourself.

    3) For the Christians, are you relying only on your own strength to accomplish this? Are you asking God for guidance on who to date and what to do, and listening to Him when He gives it? Or are you treating dating as your own perogative to decide and hoping He’ll put His stamp of approval on it once you’ve made your choices? If your Bible is your sword and your faith is your shield against the devil’s attacks, are you bringing them into your dating life or going into battle unarmed and unarmored? God makes resources available to us, but He doesn’t force us to use them, and too often we rely only on our own strength.

    You need not just a decision but a strategy to remain a virgin. That means looking honestly at your own weak points, and taking action to avoid being in situations that prey on your weak points rather than just hoping to survive them when they come.

    And if you do make mistakes, go to God for forgiveness, evaluate why you made them, and take action to remedy and avoid those vulnerabilities in future. And once it’s under the blood of Christ, don’t keep dwelling in the guilt. Contrition and repentance are good and healthy things for restoring our relationship with God. Guilt over things that have been confessed and forgiven, on the other hand, is a weapon used to weaken you, not a Godly view of you.

  24. Nana Darkoa says:

    @J – You’re very welcome to comment. I shall let Darian and others respond to your comment. Thanks for sharing

  25. Darian says:

    @J, thanks for your sound comments on this. And I definitely agree that it is far easier to remain ‘physically pure’ than ‘mentally pure’ and that is something you have to deal with daily and ask God for help daily with.

    As for dating people who share the same sentiments about whether or not to abstain – it just makes life much easier for everyone involved if we’re on the same page. (As for guys who really and truly believe in abstinence but are still cool and fun to hang out with – well, yeah. the playing field is a LOT narrower)….

    Yeah. it’s not easy, but doable, na?

  26. ChiChi says:

    I really admire Darian and the post. I think well done to you (both in terms of purity and putting forth your ideas non-judgementally). My virginity is confused (I’ll explain) but what’s important is that I’m pretty sure God doesn’t consider me a virgin.

    Even though I’ve not been at all sexually intimate with guys (even in an “anything but” way), I can’t say its been solely because I’m Christian, its more that I haven’t been with a guy that I’m like “yes, I’m comfortable taking our relationship to that level,” there’s always something, I’m not sure what (maybe God? dunno) holding me back from getting to that level of intimacy with them even when I’m tempted. I guess in my twisted way, I want to share my sexuality the first time with someone really special who maybe I think is “the one…” Is that naive for a 23-yr old?

    On the other hand, I’m vastly intimate with myself with toys and masturbation etc. So ok, I’ve never been with a guy in anyway, but I’ve been with myself in most ways possible. And regularly continue to “be with” myself in those ways.

    I know I have a lot of Christian friends who also are technical virgins but are avid masturbators and fantasisers and we argue on whether that counts as a loss of virginity or not. I say it does. Because, I think Christian/biblical virginity has to do with purity more than it does with a hymen. In the same way, I’d say fantasisers, open your eyes, you’re not virgins according to the bible, cos if you think it, you’ve done it.

    I think if a Christian guy/girl wants to actually work on being a virgin in the true biblical sense, there’ll have to be a lot of thought-checking and temptation avoidance. I think we’re all works in progress, I don’t think sex before marriage is ok and I know I go against that always but there we are… it is life. Its a battle with myself, thats all I can say.

  27. Darian says:

    I enjoyed reading your post, Chichi, and i don’t think waiting to share yourself with someone you’re comfortable with is the best way to go – it’s not naive at all. You’re right on all the other points too……yeah

  28. Darian says:

    I MEANT that I DO think that waiting to share yourself with someone you’re comfortable with is the best way to go…….lol!

  29. Pearl Mandy says:

    @ J: I loved your post and appreciated everything you wrote concerning God’s standards. And I don’t think you just “…wandered into this thread randomly”. I think your post was a reminder to us all not to forget the importance of God, for those of us who call ourselves Christians. As powerful and as primal as the sexual urge is, it is not the most important thing on this Earth and we all should really do better with who we allow into our beds and WHEN we allow them. Sex in the confines of a monogamous marriage (I have to add ‘monogamous” because there is so much adultery going on) is the gold standard and if we believe our God can do anything, then we must wait for the right person who believes the way we do because compromising could mean the loss of everything we truly hold dear. And no, I’m not being melodramatic. Having sex with the wrong person and at the wrong time can be catastrophic in many ways.

  30. Sista... says:

    OK…i have to comment on this ….I think the problem is that we get so caugt up on absinence being a RULE. i.e. God told me not to have sex before marriage in the bible because HE SAID SO ! I am a christian and i never thought about it as a rule, rather i focussed more on WHY God said it and i ‘ll tell you why ..
    .So that i didn’t get unnecessarily emotionally invested in relationships with my ex boyfirends who at the end of the day were not the men for me to the point where it clouded my objectivity.
    -So that i didn’t have to worry about contracting STD’s or getting pregnant before i was emotionally ready to have a family.
    -So that i could really see this mans character and integrity .
    So that i didn’t question his faith and mine and have to deal with unnecessary guilt and regret.
    -So that i knew that this man wanted to be with me for me whether sex was involved or not and not because i was servicing him on the regular (because even when you are married, there may be times where you will go without sex and if it wasn’t in the equation, would you still love them the same?)
    -So that i know and he knows that we are both self controlled and that if sexual temptation is not an issue before we get married we are less likely to let it tempt us to stray after we get married.
    So that i didn’t have to compare my self to his sexual partners and vice versa.

    I looked at the reasons why and thats why i chose abstinence and i can say that GOOD CHRISTIAN GRILS HAVE MIND BLOWING SEX! WHy? Because i know for a fact that my husband valued me enough and had enough integrity to wait until my wedding night and that is the sexiest thing ever. He knows and I know that we are the only person we have been with.(You feel completely safe, completely uninhibited and experimental because you know they are worth it.Sex is a great thing to perfect together and learn together and it gets better with time like a fine wine. So, speaking as a very satisfied GOOD CHRISTIAN GIRL who waited till she was 24,( and him 26) next time you think of abstinece as a rule, stop yourself and think about the WHY. Food for thought…

  31. Darian says:

    @ Sista – and it takes everyone their own time to figure that out for themselves. That’s just how life is.
    It took me over 20 years to get it right, and that’s what I was documenting.

  32. Darian says:

    @ Sista – and it takes everyone their own time to figure that out for themselves. That’s just how life is. I am almost 22 and I only just realized it last year and half ago.
    It took me over 20 years to get it right, and that’s what I was documenting.

  33. Kwagara says:

    Wow, I have found it interesting reading all your views. I must say I have learnt from the post and the comments as well.
    Nevertheless I must say that there is point that has not been well elaborated so, I decided to write about from my own experience.
    I´ m a virgin, and I do not remember having ever been one. I am a Christian girl!
    I do not know whether I regret or not, coz I console myself and say “if the most loving God let it, he probably has a reason!”
    Was molested as a child, (sad to say , by certain family members!), was raped at 18 by a stranger!
    Most times I found consolation in God. Then when I got a boyfriend, (my first real boyfriend at 25). I imagine this is the time I would have lost my virginity! So I think I waited long enough!
    I found it difficult to abstain, especially when I gave God the responsibility of getting molested and raped. It is sometimes difficult for me to see his protection over my sexuality, but many times I still say, look, “you could have acquired AIDS etc!”….but he did protect you.
    Or maybe, you could have been raped more than once!
    Overall, I really see God´s love and protection, but there are those few terrible moments when I say, I could have got the chance like the others! Worse still I could never tell my man (Christian or not that I was molested!) …to any man I must appear like the “bad girl”!

    But how many women find themselves in such situations today?
    The advice I give the good men out there is if you find your lady was a virgin, give thanks to God, her parents or guardians and even the society. She may not really be much better than all the others.
    And for my dear ones who Jesus to be proud of them keeping pure, I ma glad you have the zeal…..please go on. But on the other side is a girl woman asking God why he was not there? I think if the later kept herself pure, then she would please God more, since she also always has to find herself “forgiving” God!

  34. Kwagara says:

    sorry….I made a mistake (not a virgin)…was supposed to read…

    Wow, I have found it interesting reading all your views. I must say I have learnt from the post and the comments as well.
    Nevertheless I must say that there is point that has not been well elaborated so, I decided to write about from my own experience.
    I´ m not a virgin, and I do not remember having ever been one. I am a Christian girl!

  35. Abena says:

    Wow Kwagara, that’s really hard to deal with! I’m sorry to hear that you were molested as a child. I write about molestation on another blog I have, and talk about an uncle of mine who touched and kissed me inappropriately at age 8. We had a helper who tried to rape me at 12, but I fought him off. These both took place in Ghana, where men are supposed to have “high morals” and the blame is often put on little girls. Happily, attitudes are changing now, and we’re offering more protection for our young girls.

    I can’t speak for God. Sometimes, awful things happen to good people, and there’s no logical explanation as to why. The only persons at fault here are those bastards who raped and molested you, and they will receive their punishment, in this life or the next. In the meantime, we thank God that you’re not damaged and that you have been able to find the love of a good man who loves you for the woman you became despite these terrible experiences.

    Live free girl! 🙂

  36. Kwagara says:

    @ Abena:

    Many many thanks to you. Your words are so empowering!

  37. Darian says:

    @ Kwagara: Abena has said it better than I could ever say it. Thanks for sharing your story.

  38. Adjeley says:

    I’m good christian girl who was trying to abstain till i met this guy, he made me feel things i had never felt before. The truth is he had actually had sex in his previous relationship. We almost had sex twice but in all the situations i couldn’t go through with because i kept thinking of how i would feel after. We technically did not have sex but now i’ve had a fore taste of what sex could be like and i can’t get my mind off it. I’ll be 22 this year and I’m at a point where i don’t know if i can actually remain a virgin till i’m married. But i know i’m definately no longer pure and my relationship with God is strained…

  39. Darian says:

    @Adjeley: oh wow – I am guessing it was beyond your wildest dreams to not be able to get it out of your mind :)…..

    Here’s hoping you and God work out the kinks in your relationship soon…..

  40. Abuja miss says:

    Thanks for this post. I am in my early twenties and a virgin too.

    I’m dating the most amazing christian guy who is non a virgin (lost his as a teenager but been celibate since). We cuddle and kiss but no sex (in any form).

    There is so much more to being a good Christian but also I’m celibate/ waiting til marriage because of other reasons: stds, emotions, guilt, and being unsure if by boyfriend is the right guy as much as I may or may not love him.

    I was sceptical entering this blog but thanks Nana for putting posts where different readers can relate to especially those of us living sexless lives.

    I would love to anonymously guest blog one day 🙂

  41. medoafia says:

    I am a virgin and hopeful would want to remain one till i marry. I have chosen to be one mainly because of my faith and all the side issues of not doing it with the right guy, and what if i am not good.
    Until i read this post i didn’t know most people try to abstain even when they have done it because the impression i have been getting lately is that most guys ( if not all) would choose a girl who is not a virgin because of experience issues and stuff.
    And there is also the question of ” what happens when you marry and you are not sexually compatible with your partner?” these makes me think then whats the point in remaining a virgin till i get married.
    I hope those who married as virgins can share their views on this.

  42. roots4life says:

    @medofia – Help me out dear. What do you refer to as “sexually compatible”?

  43. Jonathan B says:

    I’ve commented on this thread once before. Now approaching 34, still a virgin waiting for marriage. Pregnancy, STD fears, and religious conviction are obviously all good reasons to remain a virgin.

    I’ll add another one though that never really gets said, because the culture around us is not fond of looking for consequences, and takes more of an “if it feels good, do it” approach. That other reason is baggage. You bring three kinds of baggage into a marriage if you’ve had sex with others before the marriage. One of those is guilt, of course. I find the number of people who don’t experience *some* measure of guilt, however much they might deny it, is very small. A second is emotional baggage. Sex is designed to strengthen emotional bonds, so making and breaking one or more emotional bonds through sex followed by breakups creates emotional damage and insecurities. It’s not insurmountable of course, but it’s another thing you have to deal with that could be avoided. The third baggage is comparison. This is not just a baggage for you, leaving open a vulnerability for the mental whispers of your husband not being as good as X, it also leaves your spouse open to vulnerability of feeling they have to compete with your memories of sex with past partners. Again, this can be dealt with, but it’s a possibility that needs to be considered and brought before the Lord for help.

    The last woman I seriously considered as a potential marriage partner and I ended up after much prayer and consideration determining that wasn’t God’s course for us, because we both wanted what God wanted for each of us. But during the time we were considering it, we did a lot of honest talking over of things we thought could be potential issues. She had lost her virginity before she became a Christian, and we identified two potential issues from that. One was testing whether she might have picked up an STD. She had already had tests, and was clean, but I seriously recommend every pair where one or both has had sex before NEEDS to have that person tested for STDs before any sex occurs, regardless of whether you’re waiting for marriage or not. The second was that she would have to make a conscious effort not to compare me to her past partner(s), and I would have to make a similar effort not to worry about the same. Because it’s only natural that the question will rise in your mind, especially at those times where sex just doesn’t go right.

    @medofia Sexually compatible is mostly an excuse guys use to get girls in bed. Other than if your partner has a fetish you’re uncomfortable with, which can be discovered by honest discussion rather than in the bedroom, most sexual things can be learned. I’ve listened to enough friends talk about their sex lives to feel comfortable saying that every sexual partnership is a learning experience in what the other person’s body and mind responds to, regardless of how experienced you are, unless you don’t care about the other person’s enjoyment. A virgin isn’t really so far behind as people would like you to believe. Go into it knowing you’ll make mistakes and prepared to look for clues and learn about it and you’ll do fine.

    This, incidentally, is an area that pornography can hurt relationships. It creates unrealistic expectations of what sex is like based off two people acting in front of a camera, following a script someone else wrote that tells them what faces to make, what noises to make, and what to do when. And that can be hard for a real partner to live up to. Don’t base your ideas of what sex should be on an industry that thinks simulated rapes and faux pedophilia are acceptable forms of entertainment.

  44. Jonathan, one chill pill in the morning and one at night for two weeks, ok? Nothing you have in your piece is an universal truth. If I were you, I’d say, ‘speaking for myself’….

    Having never being married and not ever having conducted a randomized study, how do you know that premarital sex induces a feeling of guilt once someone gets married?

    To each his own, my brother and good luck

  45. roots4life says:

    @Medoafia – I keep coming back to read your post. Now, here is my view. You have made a choice, a good choice, a choice that has no negative repercussions. When you finally marry and have sex, remember that it will be a learning experience from start. Your partner should be ready to learn with you or teach you if he has experience. Even if he has, you are unique with your own emotional make up that should be properly understood for sex purposes. Except for physiological factors that may make the experience impossible, a commitment to learn together will make it work. Incompatibility comes in when one or both partners is not listening, observing, sharing and is plain aloof, expecting that the other should know. That will lead you on the downward spiral. We are brought up to look at sex as dirty (nkwaseasem, edwamansem). Yet it is a most beautiful and spiritual experience definitely ordained by God as the ultimate expression of passion. So stay put if you choose to, but go into marriage with an open mind ready to learn. If you learn well, you’ll never regret it.

  46. roots4life says:

    By the way All, permit me to ask this question.

    Will you pray with your partner before having sex? Do folks actually do that, say a prayer before getting down with it?
    Views please.

  47. Nadine says:

    In answer to this, I invite you to visit the REspeCt page on Facebook…

    Let me know what you think of the video !

  48. roots4life says:

    @ Nadine – a link to the video would be great as there seems to be hundreds of Respect pages on Facebook. I await your posting.

  49. nadine says:

    Hi, here’s the link

    http://www.facebook.com/pages/REspeCt/136454656412416

    Let me know if you still can’t find it.

  50. nadine says:

    when you click on the video, it will take you through to YouTube, where you can read a transcript of the song as well

  51. Abena Rose says:

    This post and the comments are very interesting to read, however I find that it hasn’t addressed one issue though…I was a virgin till I turned 20 and I always thought it was because I was a good Christian girl but how easily I succumbed under pressure makes me doubt that was the true reason. I think it was probably because the opportunity had never presented itself before then. I really wasn’t ready then and I experienced some of the consequences that comes with the act and made certain choices I still regret, I went through the phase of trying to abstain, not succeeding, feeling guilty afterwards and all that.(AND THESE ARE THE REASONS WHY I WILL ENDORSE ABSTINENCE)
    But now I’m still in a happy relationship with the same guy 4 and something years after, we’ve decided to get married sometime soon, we’re still intimate on a regular basis, and I still want to be a GOOD CHRISTIAN GIRL, having an unstrained relationship with Daddy God. Hmmm is anyone in a similar place??

    P.S I really cant talk to any one about this because of this perception of a good christian girl shd be a virgin. Most of my friends who are famously know not to be virgins parade about claiming they are who am I to disclose I’m not.Cowardly I know!!!

  52. Darian says:

    @Rose – the post wasn’t talking about whether or not I am immune to temptation – the post was addressing how I came to a new understanding of what virginity/abstinence means to me.

  53. Darian says:

    @Rose – i don’t think you are a coward at all. I blame a sense of religiosity that narrows down “good girls” to their hymen. i don’t think there is anything wrong with not wanting to disclose your life to ppl. Plus, it’s none of their business anyway, lol.

  54. […] – who make up the majority of her 10,000 visitors per month – want the conversation to end. Wow this has been a very interesting read. I just found out about this blog and I am in awe of many of the posts. I had to comment on this […]

  55. […] – who make up the majority of her 10,000 visitors per month – want the conversation to end. Wow this has been a very interesting read. I just found out about this blog and I am in awe of many of the posts. I had to comment on this […]

  56. Shana says:

    i’m new here and i really love dis post and the comments coming up.I am a good christian girl(always have)even though i’m not a virgin.Been fighting myself lately about sexual immorality,because i know as a christian, FORNICATION(including sex before marriage)is very unpleasant to GOD.i actually lost my virginity to this wonderful CHRISTIAN guy, who also was a virgin, i had no doubt we were gonna marry(and soo upon kissing and other things we ended up becoming very sexually active) and even though we most of the time felt guilty, we brushed it away wid the consolation dat we were gonna marry and dats da mistake we made.Noone knows da future!
    I left the country and a year later i met someone else and we’ve been together for 2yrs now.i felt ashamed and embarassed for not keeping myself for him.He never asked if i was a virgin bt i cudnt keep it cus he was a strong christian nd i knew he wanted to marry someone chaste.Even though he has no problem with me not being a virgin,i still have this burden of guilt hanging on me and i wish i could take it back and re-do the whole virginity thing,Because God wasnt pleased wid it!

  57. J says:

    @Shana It’s good that you came to a point of understanding where you’d gone wrong. Far too often people give into the idea that once marriage is “inevitable” it’s okay to go ahead. At the same time, while you cannot get back your virginity, please know that if you’ve confessed this sin, God has cleansed you thoroughly from it by the blood of Christ, and He promises that He remembers it no more. When Satan tries to cripple you with guilt, remind him that your sins are covered by the blood of the Cross, and he has no authority to accuse you of that of which God has declared you clean. Once sin has been confessed and forgiven, God would have us to live in freedom from that guilt, and the burden hanging on you is one He wishes to lift from your shoulders, dear sister. When He looks at you, He sees only His Son’s blood, not your past sins. Rejoice in that!

  58. Shana says:

    @J,u r soo encouraging!thankx soo much and God bless u

  59. Vic says:

    Dear Group,

    first of all, I don’t mean to troll and I hope that my comment is seen as an open question. I do respect the choice of people to stay abstinent, everybody should control his or her own choices in life.
    I find Darian’s post very interesting, thank you for sharing, and I have started to read the comments (but haven’t come to the end yet, maybe my question is already been answered, then sorry for my laziness, but it is purely burning at the tip of my tongue/keyboard).

    Just like J, me too, I am a white male and raised as a Christian, but I have chosen the freedom of premarital sex and I don’t feel guilty at all.
    So the only thing I don’t understand is the question: “How do you deal with the contradiction?”

    For me, but this could be a personal choice, I don’t feel any contradiction. I am (raised as) a Christian and I have premarital sex. Which part (and sorry, I hope this is not considered trolling, I really mean it with no bad intent) in the Bible tells me that I am wrong?

    I know that this is thin ice, but for me, I have no knowledge of such verse. There are many references to “sexual immorality”, but (to my knowledge, and I stand open to all corrections), it is never been declared as ‘premarital sex’. Not even as ‘homosexuality’.

    These interpretations are all possible, but not written down. The closest that I could find is 1 Corinthians 7:2, but in my eyes the focus is more on adultery than premarital sex.

    I want to apologize to go at this at such length, but it purely interests me.
    Me too, I don’t want to sound preachy, and this comment is definitely not intended to troll, I am an open minded person and I respect other peoples choices in life and other peoples philosophies. I don’t say that I have “the truth in hand” and I am not judging at all. I find it very brave if you make a choice of abstinence in good faith and stand by it. The only thing that I ask to be put to (small) discussion, is the question of ‘guilt’. No, I don’t feel guilty, and I still honestly believe that Jesus thinks of me as a nice guy.

    The most important lesson I got from the Bible is that when your conscience rises up, then you should not do it. We all have this natural feeling of ‘good’ and ‘bad’, like an instinct. A compass that was built in our soul and that is what we should follow.

    My sexual acts felt ‘right’, and I have had sex with somebody against his/her will and I have peace with that. I am even happy with it 🙂

    But once again, I do respect the other choice that people make and I will be cheering for you from the sideline. Do you feel the same about me?

  60. Vic says:

    WOW, correction: I have NEVER had sex with somebody against his/her will.

    That was a terrible typing mistake: NEVER NEVER NEVER

    • Nana Darkoa says:

      Hahahah. Vic I am glad you corrected that mistake 🙂 Thanks for commenting on the blog. I am sure Darian and the other ‘experts’ on this post will get back to you. I’ve been thinking I actually want more posts from African women Christians writing on sex so any guest contributions can be sent to the usual email address adventuresfrom[at]gmail.com

  61. Vic says:

    @Nana: thanks, when I reread my comment, I almost felt my heart stop, what a scare 🙂

  62. J says:

    @Vic I assumed that was probably a lost word, as it didn’t really fit otherwise. 🙂

    As for your question, except when referencing homosexuality, the Bible generally uses two words to describe sexual sin: adultery and fornication. Adultery is sex where a married person is having sex with someone other than their spouse. Fornication is an unmarried person having sex.

    Hebrews 13:4 is one of many verses we can reference, which states that the marriage bed is undefiled, indicating God’s intended venue for sex is between a husband and wife, and continues on to state that fornicators and adulterers will be judged by God. These are sins that can be forgiven and cleansed by the blood of Christ, certainly, but stating that God will judge them is acknowledging them as sin.

    Your 1 Corthinians 7:2 reference is a good one actually, Vic. If you look at it in the context of the rest of the verses, what Paul is basically saying is this: People who are married have to think about their spouse and their spouse’s happiness, which can be a distraction at times from focusing on God. And in times of persecution the married face extra sorrows (spouse separated in prison or executed, for instance). So it’s a really good thing if you can stay a single virgin like I am, and focus your whole attention on serving God. But if sexual abstinence is going to be a problem for you, it’s better if you’re married so that you have an outlet for your sex drive rather than letting it draw you into temptation and thus sin against God.

    You can also throw in there 2 Timothy 2:22 and the “flee also youthful lusts” clause. In that case, it isn’t talking solely abou sexual lust, but sex is certainly one of the biggests lusts we deal with as young men.

  63. Vic says:

    Dear J,

    thank you for the comment, I find it very interesting! The only argument that I could bring in is that the texts that you cite are epistles, written from man to men.
    To my philosophy (*) , “sin” is defined by your personal conscience, which will guide you. Conscience partly coming from birth (‘directly from God’), partly from education.

    As the epistles are written by humans, it is purely their interpretation of Jesus’ teachings. For me, however, (*) they do not necessarily have to be an authority for me. They are written by human beings, just like me, and I can make decisions by myself as well, as I am blessed with intelligence and conscience, just like all of you.

    What I want to say is: Epistles are word of men, pure interpretations that could be taken as guidance. They do not define divine law.

    But J is completely right, I asked for a citation from the Bible and he has given exactly that, two even. Thank you very much for this extra insight.
    I think we will purely disagree on interpretation and I have peace with that 🙂

    (*) WARNNG: troll alert!
    Please remember that I am just trying to have an open discussion as it is an interesting topic. I respect all possible opinions even if they do not correspond to my own.

  64. J says:

    @Vic

    Let me offer you a few more Bible references, that have a bearing on your philosophy and the topic at hand:

    2 Timothy 3:16-4:4 – “All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness: That the man of God may be perfect, throughly furnished unto all good works. charge thee therefore before God, and the Lord Jesus Christ, who shall judge the quick and the dead at his appearing and his kingdom; Preach the word; be instant in season, out of season; reprove, rebuke, exhort with all longsuffering and doctrine. For the time will come when they will not endure sound doctrine; but after their own lusts shall they heap to themselves teachers, having itching ears; And they shall turn away their ears from the truth, and shall be turned unto fables.”

    Proverbs 14:12 and 16:25 – “There is a way which seemeth right unto a man, but the end thereof [are] the ways of death.”

    Jeremiah 17:9 – “The heart [is] deceitful above all [things], and desperately wicked: who can know it?”

    James 1:14-16 – “Let no man say when he is tempted, I am tempted of God: for God cannot be tempted with evil, neither tempteth he any man: But every man is tempted, when he is drawn away of his own lust, and enticed. Then when lust hath conceived, it bringeth forth sin: and sin, when it is finished, bringeth forth death. Do not err, my beloved brethren.”

    1 Corinthians 6:18-20 – “Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body. What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost [which is] in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own? For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God’s.” (note that this passage is the prelude to the 1 Corinthians 7 that you quoted)

    I’d also encourage you to check out 1 Thessalonians 4:1-5, Colossians 3:5-10, and Galatians 6:7-8. I think you will find all three applicable to your questions.

    Notably, “given by inspiration” in the Timothy passage is more strictly translated to “all Scripture is God-breathed”. Is God not big enough to ensure that His message is preserved in the book that is our primary source of information about Him and about Jesus? It would be a small God and not very much to be relied upon who could not preserve truth in that which is labeled as His Word.

    God does place the conscience within us to help us, but the conscience can be overriden by our own decisions and desires. The Bible is provided to give us a standard against which to measure what we think are the dictates of conscience, to see if they fit what God has said about Himself and about us through the writers whom He inspired. Luke is paticularly intersting in this regard, as he writes essentially as an investigative reporter… he spoke with first-hand witnesses of Jesus’ teachings and actions, and compiled a history for “Theophilus”, his reader. Acts offers a follow-up chronicling the further activities of the first believers, and is noteworthy for the times it switches from “he or they” in describing Paul’s journeys to “we”, indicating that Luke had joined the journey for a time and was reporting things for which he himself was present. New Testament and Old abound with first person accounts from those who heard and saw these things for themselves.

  65. Andre says:

    I am 27 and still a virgin. I’m a guy. I’m as shocked as you are 🙂 . Had the strict christian upbringing and a terribly shy disposition which may explain this, but now that i’m upwardly mobile and quite a hunk, i still find it hard to have sex for sex sake, no matter the opportunity that presents itself. I think that sex shouldn’t be thrown to just anybody (it’s MY BODY we are talking about here, not some commodity). Still, it doesnt stop the yearning though. Look forward to my first time.

  66. syncayto says:

    I am male and 50.Maybe I shouldn’t be making my voice heard at this forum since the comments related to this topic have long tapered out. Some really interesting points of view I have read. I seriously lost my virginity at age 18 and have since had varying experiences with my sexuality, some exciting, some adventurous, some scary, some sobering. At the time I married all these experiences came to bear in a positive way on the relationship I had with my wife before and after the marriage.For me for all that keeping your virginity until marriage is touted to be, if I had the just to live my life again, I will not be married to a virgin. I will not encourage my children to walk into marriage being virgins. Having an active sex life before marriage comes with all its risks, pregnancies, std’s and the emotional scarring but for me it is better for one to be educated on the risks so one can make an informed decision. The admonitions quoted in the bible are meant to guide people and since they are considered intelligent, to help them make decision. Period.

  67. Darian says:

    i think so long as a person makes the decision for themselves, it’s up to them. It’s okay to choose to have sex, and it’s okay to choose not to have sex. And either way, no one should be pressured into their choice.

  68. @syncayto.
    That’s a terrible attitude to have, if I may say so.

    “………if I had the just to live my life again, I will not be married to a virgin. I will not encourage my children to walk into marriage being virgins. Having an active sex life before marriage comes with all its risks, pregnancies, std’s and the emotional scarring but for me it is better for one to be educated on the risks so one can make an informed decision….”
    Christian virgins CAN be very sexy, especially on the wedding night. Sex is intuitive and can be easily learned via Christian sex books like SHEET MUSIC.

    It’s interesting you acknowledge the risks, STDs and “emotional scarring” that comes from premarital sex, but you say you’ll still recommend your children NOT be virgins. Doesn’t make much sense.

    I was not a virgin in my 20s, having lost mine @17-18 (much too early) but became of faith in college, and tried to live sexually responsible.
    I think that early sex emotionally scarred me, and scared me away from women and helped keep me pretty much dateless for much of my early 20s.
    If I’d waited, I’d likely been more open to trusting women and enjoying a fulfilling relationship.

    @J,
    Thank you very much for your posting. You provide good reasons to encourage those to wait.

    @Andre,
    Thank you too.

    “…..I think that sex shouldn’t be thrown to just anybody (it’s MY BODY we are talking about here, not some commodity). Still, it doesnt stop the yearning though. Look forward to my first time.”

    That’s a healthy attitude.
    At 27, am sure the pressure is strong, even in Christian circles.
    You continue to be selective. It will pay dividends.

    While I tried to live sexually responsible, loneliness and the feeling God had “forgotten” about me helped me fall to 2 “opportunities” @25-26.
    I rarely got second or third dates and was horrible at dating.
    The Good Christian women didn’t know I existed.
    Learned from those experiences however that casual sex makes you feel worse than before, so turned-down future “offers” in my late 20s from women, even a Christian woman in some “everything…but” sex play, which I don’t recommend.

    Interestingly, just a month after the last casual sex I had, met a woman I dated for 6 mos. who ALMOST became a fiance. She condemned me for honestly telling her I wasn’t a virgin, like she was @30….

    The good new is met my future wife @30. So 4-5 years isn’t really that long to wait for your true love.
    This woman I married, she wasn’t a virgin @32 but had very limited experience, like my limited experience.
    Just wish I could have told her I was a virgin.

    TBH, only had sex all of 5X 17-30, to I wouldn’t consider that in any way promiscuous.

    So you virgins, keep up with your determination and know that God hasn’t “forgotten” about you.
    Those of you who aren’t virgins, you can change and rededicate your life to living sexually responsibly, a life pleasing to God.

    If anyone wants to communicate with me, my “generic” and “anonymous” web mail is my posting name. Have been on both sides of this issue and can offer advice gained from experience…. and deep regrets.

  69. Darian says:

    The most important thing, I think, is to come to a personal choice. Whichever the reason, to make it work – abstinence or non-abstinence – you have to make the choice for yourself.

  70. Aku says:

    WOW! i have totally enjoyed this article and the comments even though im like 2 years quite late!!! It was like i fell into another world with kindred spirits. I ve always been so shy to discuss these issues with even my closest friends. Its so good know im not the only christain girl who spends quite some time thinking about these stuff. People tell me a lot that virginity is over rated. I know for sure though abstinence comes with a whole lot of peace of mind mentally and spiritually. I ve often felt rotten when i felt i had ïndulged”in something wrong and i just see my self hiding out from God like an ostrich. Lovely, lovely article and comments. Where have u guys been all my struggling life? lol

  71. syncayto says:

    Let me preface my submission with this joke, Good christian girls go to Heaven, Naughty girls go everywhere including Heaven.I noticed that , I made a wrong assertion in my previous commentary on the main post . I am not married to a virgin and I am very ok with it. Recently a radio station in Tema did some random sampling of guys who will rather on their wedding day be married to a virgin. Out of 30 guys they sampled only 6 will be married to a virgin.It is not for nothing that most employers look for some level of experience inspite of the protestation of fresh inexperienced graduates that they should be given a chance. As an employer I will always look out for applicants with good training and some fair amount of experience.If you want employment get some experience, have you hands burnt and roughened out a bit , show me what you have done.I won’t have a novice walk into my business and have to spend time, energy that I could use to advance the business to polish him or her, only for him or her to move on when the requisite experience has been acquired. The truth of life is that marrying a virgin , you run this risk like the employer even if you love the employee or you both love one another. I was introduced to sex by a lady with some experience of what to do and what the process was all about and I have never felt guilty or felt I did anything wrong.I never dated a virgin before marriage and have been excited abt virgins.For me a virgin in the real sense of the word in a novice. Period From my interactions most virgins are uptight and carry a lot emotional burdens I will not want to be the one exorcise.I will encourage my children with the right information, to have some reasonable sex life before they settle down with a guy or lady..Devirgination is like a rite of passage, if it is done with the right procedure and under right circumstances (not only after marriage) a man or woman should be fine. I have enough experiences to relate the sex life of guys and ladies who went into marriages as virgins only to be all over the place when having gotten bored with the same ‘soup’ after 5 or 10yrs ,having the financial resources and clout and gained the confidence decided to explore. Their rampage was almost as if to make up for all the years they had been withholding their sex life whether out of fear of pregnancy , social sanctions or religious morality.Some of the most hypocritical and audacious persons I have met in this regard are religious virgins whether Christian or Moslem
    What abt the ladies who find on their wedding day their guys are just as green as they are, fumble badly and leave a sour taste of sex and the devirgination process in their mouths and they have no real option of a change
    .Yes some pre-marital sex relationships might scar you but if you have the right attitude of mind you grow into emotional maturity. You are not shell shocked when later in life the husband or wife who you entered into marriage as a virgin now suggests to you that the grass is greener on the other side.Personally, sometimes I sit back and muse and laugh at some of the emotional shocks I had in my early 20’s and 30’s and which helped my emotional growing up.For the ladies I will contend that it is better to endure a few shocks that teach you some of the realities of life and love than to be hit with a big boom of rejection when you are in your 40’s and hubby is suddenly realizing your pudendum was not the best in the whole wide world.If you have had some pre-marital sex life and some attendant emotional maturity you will not fret and fume with divorce threats ala Beijing and womens lib but make sure he does it with a condom, put out your own right buttons in bed, let him know that basically all the cunts are all the same but yours is the best for him for stability and his peace of mind.And see if he does not crawl back to you.More anon

    • Nana Darkoa says:

      @syncayto – “fret and fume with divorce threats ala Beijing and womens lib”??? Adventures is a feminist blog o. Inspired by feminists and the women’s movement including ‘Beijing’

  72. J says:

    @syncayto I think the chief thing that bothers me about your ‘experienced worker’ analogy is that it reduces the role of the spouse to that of a sex worker, in effect. Not that you think of your wife in those terms, by any means, but if you’re making the need for someone who’s good in bed a primary argument for marrying a non-virgin then you’re making sexual usefulness a major qualification for selection of a wife. While sex is a wonderful thing, it shouldn’t be a primary measure of compatibility. Sex can be learned far more easily than character, integrity, supportiveness, perseverance, shared beliefs, and other qualities that make for a lasting relationship.

    Your last paragraph *seems* to be arguing that it’s inevitable for men to cheat and the woman should just accept it and insist he use a condom when he does. A woman should never accept a man cheating. Not that they should never forgive, because I have seen marriages put back together through repentance and forgiveness in Christ when adultery occured. But acceptance is a different thing. “Just use a condom and come back to me” is not maturity, it’s surrender of a respect that’s due to you on the basis of the vows of marriage he took. If you as a spouse, regardless of gender, find yourself having more than a ‘just noticing they’re good looking’ interest in a person other than your spouse, it’s your responsibility to the vow you took to make active effort to avoid being in a situation where you’re tempted to violate your marriage vows.

    We all make bad choices at times based on our mental desires, whatever their sort. That’s a basis for forgiveness, because we know our own weaknesses so we can forgive them in others. But it’s not a basis for acceptance and *excuse* of bad choices.

    Few if any women are as physically attractive when they’re older as they were when they were younger; and their husband isn’t either. But the marriage vow isn’t conditional on the other person staying attractive enough to motivate you to keep it. It’s conditioned on your own integrity and character and honor.

    A lot of the problems inherent in fumbling virgin sex can be easily remedied by communication. Just being able to say “It hurts when we do this particular movement, can we try some things to find out why?” opens up the potential to correct technique issues. Make it about “finding solutions together” rather than “you did something wrong” and you avoid hurt feelings or insecurity. It should also be said, on that subject, that if technique doesn’t seem to fix the matter, a doctor/gynecologist should be consulted as there are many physical conditions which can cause discomforts in that regard.

  73. syncayto says:

    hello, J I used to run fine arguments like you have advanced in this post.I used to make points like what is this whole overblown issue of sex in marriage.If my spouse had good character traits, ‘integrity, supportiveness, perseverance, shared beliefs, and other qualities that make for a lasting relationship’ we should be fine.We can always deal with the sex later.
    What I didn’t understand then was that my approach and perspective was like doing a lab experiment; because of my lack of exposure to the various and sometimes complicated scenarios of the real world.Just like the lab experiment, most of known factors I had worked into the ideal marriage architecture will work in a controlled environment.The real world is a turbulent, dynamic sometimes difficult-to-decipher social environment.
    For me I will definitely look all those fine and deeper qualities which we all know will outlive the sex but when there are 3 ladies for me to make a choice and they satisfy those qualities the defining thing will be whether we are compatible in bed.That will be the keystone. Most married persons will tell you that until both partners have gone downhill , cracks only begin to show in the marriage when the sex is standing on one legu.
    Some 25yrs ago, I argued too that not having one’s own children should not really be an issue in a marriage. One could always adopt, and sometimes even ones own biological children fail deliver on expectations.The break ups , pain in marriage I have witnessed, occasioned by this problem has taught me some lessons. Men who I thought had solid Christian credentials have had extra marital children, and I have lived to know women who are scared of DNA and blood tests because they know the real fathers of their kids are not their husbands. Some years earlier, what I had failed to factor in my submissions , was the fact that some 25yrs down the line I will be marrying and living here in an African society, where due to conservatism, economic and social factors these issues of sex and its attendant children will continue to be high on the social and cultural agenda. If I lived and worked somewhere in Europe, I am sure very few people will dare make snide remarks whether in my face or behind me about my virility, or lack of it.
    In reaction to one of your , if all things were equal “fumbling virgin sex’ can easily sorted out through communication, I ask ‘So why do they become an issue’.Because novices are shy, easily lack confidence, are bungling, are afraid to make mistakes and even might take simple statements seeking to ameliorate the situation in bed as an attack on their personality.People will communicate easily when they are fairly experienced, cool and comfortable in their skin and with their sexuality. This is what engenders the confidence to communicate effectively and rectify ‘ fumbling virgin sex’
    Take a situation where a woman is a virgin, knows she is one and the guy is fairly experienced. Women may shyly concede ‘ This is really my first time take it easy’. Most men have been conditioned to believe the first act of deflowering should produce a sign ie bleeding. Suppose that fails to happen (and there are reasons why this might not happen) it is easy for the first signs of distrust to have been sown. Did she lie to him? has she been using a dildo or fingering herself in lieu of actual sex. Or is she involved in some lesbian practices which have resulted in this.Doubts easily build up in both the man and even the woman when she knows she is being truthful in the statement she made.
    Another scenario, both are virgins. The fact is most men because of their upbringing will hardly own up.They are supposed to take the lead, be the ones who know it all.In this case he doesn’t know and the reaction on both sides is usually instinctive.
    Yet the other scenario, where the lady is the experienced one, it takes some open mindedness for a guy who gets the first experience not think she is ‘spoilt’. Especially where she pulls a few exciting tricks and techniques in the process. Most smart ladies weigh the situation and might act dumb and give a less than optimum performance in to order not bruise ego of the gentleman. You still think simple communication sorts out these situations
    15 yrs ago a close friend of mine then in his mid 30’s kept on postponing a problem he wanted to discuss with me until I sat him down gave him an ultimatum ‘ you either tell me or stop badgering with it. Drenched in embarrassment he disclosed to me that at that age he was a virgin and there was this young widow with a child he had met and liked her but didn’t know where to start. Anytime the lady came to sleep over(usually during the weekends) he will move to the far end of the bed away from her because he was in trepidation since his dick will go flaccid.But anytime he fantasized about her when she was away he will have a good erection.He asked me if there was something spiritual abt this reaction because she was a widow.(she had lost her husbie in an accident 4 yrs earlier) The lady had asked him coolly a couple of times if he wasn’t sexually attracted to her.Well the upshot was that I indicated this wasn’t anything to be embarrassed about, asked him to relax and let his more experienced partner take up the mantle and he will be fine.Today they have a son and daughter just abt completing SSS in Cape Coast.
    Now the issue is this, people find it very difficult to talk abt issues of intimacy to their friends, relations or worse still doctor and usually by the time it gets to this point communication is already broken down. So the communication is not even there to solve the problem.If your communication skill are up there, thank God.J, this will do for now.We will continue this conversation.

  74. syncayto says:

    Kofi, having read Jonathan’s post I couldn’t agree with your response more.Generally, life is the one thing that when you haven’t experienced you make statements that are usually based on what you can only imagine the situation to be, based on the facts you have at hand.We might all observe the same situationu, look or hear the same thing but the experiences and lessons which we bring to bear on this observation could be vastly different.
    Jonathan B do you know why after the initial remorse of committing a ‘sin’ or crime , that is when you should stop and not repeat it? Because your head takes over and you begin to rationalize and justify it. After a while the repetition of that act has more of your mind in it than your heart.That may explain why continued excitement or passion over any human activity and deed does wane after a while when it is not invigorated. We tend to do the earlier ones more mechanically and go after other challenges which offer us the thrill. After dating a number of guys and ladies, ask guys or ladies why they make the oft heard opinion that literally ‘all men or women come from the same mother’.Literally speaking for myself, I don’t think my premarital sex activities had me asking any of the questions of my wife or myself or abilities that Jonathan B has suggested in his submission. Like Kofi commented as for the so called baggage (whether emotional or otherwise) one comes into a marriage with, it depends very much ones own latent insecurities or confidence.For persons with these insecurities I don’t think these insecurities are significantly reduced even when you are their first marriage or sex partner.Or what will one say about persons who marry widows or widowers with evidence of the previous spouses activities interspersed in their new life.Jonathan B now hitting 34, I think you get into the river and swim instead of your continued hovering on the banks waiting for the opportune time.To quote Hellen Keller ‘ Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. Security does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than exposure.’
    That finished ,I wish to also comment on an opinion I have heard repeated a number of times on this blog ‘ that sex can easily be learned’.That it can be learned is not in dispute.That it can ‘easily’ be learned is akin to its influence in the success of a relationship being underrated. Tt is in this underestimation of the place of sex that most people tumble, literally I mean. I might also assert that comparatively a dance or virtually any dance can easily be learned.Basically the acts of sex are intrinsically nothing more than choreographed movements supposed to express love, passion and possibly end up in a climax or momentary high, that leaves us exhilarated or spent out.So is dance or dancing but to learn Azonto as a dance you are likely to find that due to your physiognomy you might not be able to make some movements at all or might not be able to make them with the desired fluidity. Sexual movements like dance involve for instance pacing ,rhythm and appropriate positioning. Some persons due to some cultural or social reasons simply don’t have an appreciation at all of these. It is like asking a white woman to do adowa or agbaza or highlife or asking the black lady with our typical heavy hips to do the smooth silky movements of the Western ballet. They struggle to make the grade even after so many weeks or months of practice. Just like dance, when the intricacies of learning and acquiring these sexual moves are too much, most persons give up. Or just learn enough to get by with.
    So assuming it is easy let’s look a the situation where one partner is very hot, wanting sex 4 times a week and you want it just once. This is part of the equation that can create challenges. Do you feel it’s boring if you have sex frequently? How do you make sex interesting when you or your partner feels bored with it?. Do you vary locations, techniques, positions, rhythm or pace.Some partners don’t have a clue on these things.
    Some people’s recourse when all this lifelong learning becomes too tedious or difficult is to decide that other values and activities like your work and the children are more important than trying to learn any further to please your partner and often leave the other partner to his or her devices.Sex is then placed on the backburner, one partner or both are left dissatisfied, then this irritation underlain by the sex problem is translated into other facets of married life and before you know ……………….. I think those who make the assertion sex can easily be learned, should enter the marriage relationship stay in it for 5 yrs plus and I am sure they will revise their notes. The conversation continues.

  75. syncayto says:

    @ Nana Darkoa
    Did my reference to “fret and fume with divorce threats ala Beijing and womens lib” fray some nerves. I didn’t know this blog touted its feminist credentials with such ………….. 25 yrs ago .I was one of the early supporters of the movement and had such ( what I thought was) a deep grasp of the feminist rhetoric, philosophy and theory.After of seeing the application of feminism (gender???) in practice and its social and economic impact, I am not sure of where I stand now. Maybe latter day exponents (like you) of that feminist vibrancy and militancy that sought in the spate of a generation alter the world’s status quo radically, will bring a better definition to the whole concept. I hope I am not a slippery grounds.Thanks Darkoa for the clarification or rather reminder.

  76. Babyjet says:

    I have to say that I am convinced that biblical focus on virginity is BS. Lets start with the facts:
    1. At the when the bible was written, people got married when they sprouted breast, hips, hair and any sign post adolescence. being 13/14 and being intimate was just not cool. Now, I am 34 and not married, the idea that this vague rules were made so that people like me don’t get laid is simply not true. Like everything else in the bible, context is very important.

    I think the emphasis should be respecting other people’s feeling in a relationship and taking precaution, but the idea that one should be abstinent is just silly

  77. […] would first of all like to say that this was inspired after I read Darian’s post on her sexuality and Christianity. (I know, it’s from way back in 2009) This post is very much a personal one, and I’m in no way […]

  78. Bill says:

    Shane,
    I like your story being a “good Christian girl” who gave-up her Christian virginity in her early 20s.

    “….I was a virgin until I was 21 years old mostly because of my faith and because I was afraid of getting pregnant. I eventually gave it up because I was (still am) in a stable, loving relationship for many many years and felt I was ready. ”

    Was your guy a Christian man?
    If so, he was very patient.

    Did you think you could reward his patience by giving him your Christian vagina?

    “….I went on the pill and always use condoms but there was still the issue of my faith. …”

    Yes, many Christians use BC and some even do the pull-out method, the guy withdraws just before he releases in her.
    A Christian girl I dated would make love to me without a condom, but felt “more innocent” if I pulled-out in-time and shot my fluids onto her tummy instead of seeding into her, like I wanted.
    Told me she wanted to “save” something for her wedding night.

    “….I felt my claim to virginity was quite hypocritical because my bf and I would get naked, give/receive oral sex, dry hump, everything but vaginal penetration (with a penis hehe)….”

    Yes, it’s hard to masquerade as a pious Christian “virgin” if you let your guy give you oral and if you give him oral and let him thrust his nonChristian penis between your things, perilously close to your “innocent” virgin vagina.

    There comes a point where it’s too hard to take and eventually, the good Christian girl gives-in and gives her sweet virginity to her guy, who may not be a Christian and not really love her like a Christian man would.

    “…. I figure sexual impurity is sexual impurity; God won’t say “Oh he didn’t put it in so it’s ok”. I guess I was ‘owning my sin’, so to speak. Can you claim complete purity or are you an “everything but” kind of virgin?….”

    Well-stated. I had A LOT of “everything…but” sex with Christian girls in my late 20s. Some of them weren’t virgins either.

    And yes, while I thrust and released onto them, some of my juices spattering onto her pubic hair, I too wondered if I was being a “good Christian man” the way I did EVERYTHING but enter my Sister in Christ’s innocent vagina…. (:

    “….Because the Bible clearly forbids sex before marriage, I’m not in denial that my actions go against my faith. I don’t feel particularly guilty though because I have been able to compartmentalize these different areas of my life. It’s not ideal and my spiritual life is certainly worse off for it but it’s working…”

    I know what you’re saying here.
    Did all that “everything…but” in my 20s.
    Was a different story in my 30s.

    The girl I dated and fell in love with (and later married), we began having sex 4 mos. into our dating.
    Hoping to engage in some “everything…but,” I approached her one night.
    She asked if I wanted to have sex with her. I couldn’t refuse and we went on to have a very fulfilling sex life.

    Yes, she was a Christian too but understood me and my needs and enjoyed the attention I gave her.

    “…p.s. I got the “good christian girls don’t have sex” upbringing too, and in many ways I am still a good christian girl…”
    Yes, Shane, you are a “good Christian girl…”

    Though many remain chaste or virginal, many other good Christian girls engage in sex and let their boyfriends introduce them to the world of sex and love — and learn what guys — even “Christian” men — will expect from them.

  79. peter says:

    Here’s a story of a “good Christian girl” falling for a pagan fornicator & giving-up her sweet vagina for the heathen (instead of letting the Christian man she later marries get the first crack @ her sweet pussy):

    Christian Linda In London: virgin girl’s “introduction” to sex….
    http://www.literotica.com/s/christian-linda-in-london

    The author isn’t a Christian, but in this story, he describes how he took a Christian girl’s innocence.
    I enjoy reading it and gain new understandings each time I read it.

    The first time I read it, I thought the player, Peter, who took the sweet innocent Christian girl’s virginity was the “bad guy” in the story. He only wanted one thing and dumped Linda after spending a few nights having sex with her, in all sorts of positions and “introducing” the naive Christian woman to the world of sex and dating.
    (It’s unfortunate her BC failed because his spermy pagan cum made her a mommy).

    But re-reading, I see the Christian virgin really wanted his penis in her and wanted her first time to be from someone like Peter who knew what he was doing instead of the virgin guy she would likely later marry.
    Longstretch is very detail describing how he first entered her:

    Quote:
    “….Linda, please guide me into you. You can help me by bringing my cock there. Together we’ll do this.”

    I tried guiding myself into her, but it was her hand that made it happen. She pushed my hand away and took over. The head of my cock was almost inside when she pulled back.
    ……..
    “Now let’s keep on going, I want to do it all.”
    We had the head fully inside when she stopped me again by pushing against my hips.
    “No more now, please, Peter.”

    Before I could to pull out, she changed her mind and grabbed my buttocks, pulling me forward, taking much of my cock inside.
    “Push hard, now, Peter, push, go all the way!” she ordered. I knew that I had broken through when she said “uhhh” twice.
    “There, it’s done, Peter, now push all the way into me.”
    I like her forward action, grabbing his behind & “forcing” his forehead to burst her hymen.

    Can see her telling him:
    “….Put it in, Peter. I’m so horny and God, I want you. Please, fuck me with your huge cock.
    Show this Christian girl what it means to love…”

    The nonChristian man he is, Peter is only too willing to carnally push into her and begin his thrusts, showing her what’s superior and she shows him what’s most important in her life.
    Soon, after feeling the gyrations of her vagina match the passionate movement his pagan penis and enjoying all the new sensations he gives her, his pagan cum shoots into her, forever “sealing” their connection.

    Though her vagina was initially tight, like most naive Christian girls, after he bursts her “innocent” hymen, she finds she enjoys having his heathen cock in her and doesn’t want him to stop
    “… oh, Jesus,” she moans as Peter supplies all her needs.

    If I were in that situation, with a Christian virgin, I’d rub my penis up against her clit, up and down, but not go in (yet). While doing that, would suck her boobs to get her even more wet and begin to slowly move it in… making it clear what I wanted…

    Like what a non-virgin woman would do in bed with a Christian virgin man… spread her legs wide and with her hands, “guide” his penis into her womanhood, to “show” or “teach” him what he needs to do to please a woman 🙂
    Or…. lay on top of him and rub his penis up and down against her womanhood, going up and down. Then, without telling him, move her vagina down on top of his cock, so it slides in and they begin their passionate lovemaking. I seriously doubt the Christian man ( or the woman, if he’s a Christian) would be thinking about their faith during that sensual moment 🙂

    ***

    I like what LongStretch attributes the Christian girl telling him, after she let his forehead burst her holy hymen:

    Quote:
    “….I owe you a deep apology, Peter. I did something with you that I hadn’t planned, was not brought up to do ever, and loved every second of.
    I’ve prayed and prayed over my behavior, but I haven’t gotten an answer. God doesn’t always speak directly, of course, but I was so hoping for permission or rebuke.
    I’ve always known I was a sinner, of course, we all are. But I haven’t hurt anyone, just like I didn’t hurt my professor’s family. I am so uncertain.
    I know having sex outside of marriage is wrong, but I really wanted you, so am glad you showed me what love is all about….

    “I went on the pill early in the summer because I thought I’d met someone special. But he wanted us to elope and start a family right away. I’m just not ready for that.
    “They say pastors’ kids are wild. I think that’s true of me. I want this experience, even if I settle down eventually.”

    ……

    PETER CONTINUES:
    “….By now my cock was pretty soft and it slid slowly out of her pussy. Linda regarded it with interest. “When I stroked Tom, I saw most of his cock only when it was hard. I stroked him from the top, so that when he cummed it was on his shirt, and then his cock slid back into his pants. Afterward he would get so relaxed, but I was still excited.”
    ……..
    “At first I didn’t think I could do it. The second time you started in, I still wasn’t sure. Then, when I asked you to stop, I suddenly thought ‘no, that’s dumb, do it now and be finished, put it in.’ I didn’t think there was going to be much more to it. I was surprised by the pain, and I’m pretty sore. It will go away, right?”
    …..
    The cum was all over our loins. I rose to ran a facecloth in warm water and cleaned us off.
    Linda gazed down at the blood spot on the towel.
    “Good-bye” I think I heard her say….”

    Wow. The Christian girl realized she lost her innocence.
    That’s very telling. She sees blood on Peter’s penis as he pulls it out of her and realizes she’s no giggling, naive virgin.

    Imagine she thought of her innocence fast departing when she saw some of her blood on his shaft after he pulled his massive cock out of her after he broke her “innocent” hymen….
    The remorse didn’t likely last long, however, as she climbed on top of him after he cleaned himself with a rag. They went after it even harder and she moaned constantly as Peter thrust deep into her sweet Christian pussy, which was now completely HIS…

    Quote:
    “….Are you offended if I use some ‘dirty’ words?”

    “….Peter, I’m a Christian, not a prude. You mean ‘cum’ and ‘pussy’ and ‘cock’ and ‘clit’? No, I love them, I feel like I know something not everyone else knows. ‘Fuck,’ though, is just common. Can we say ‘make love’ or ‘lovemaking’ instead?”

    “Would you like to make love again, Linda?”

    “If you’ll eat my pussy, I’ll suck your cock,” she replied….”

    Though she was a “virgin,” during those intimate moments of her first time, as Peter caressed her and held her close after breaking her hymen and thrusting passionately into her “innocent” pussy, the Christian girl seemed to know a lot about sex…

    “….Praise Him, you opened the door,” she said. “I don’t really know what I would have done if you didn’t answer.” She wrapped her arms around my neck and kissed me deeply.
    …..
    “I’ve never lied outside my father’s house, Peter. What am I doing for carnality, where are my morals? Am I headed to hell because of this? I can’t give you up, I can’t let my past control my future, but at what price?”
    ….
    “The Lord doesn’t keep count of individual sins, Peter. It’s the sinning you answer for. That is real comfort to me. Two days together will do a lot for me. Oh, you don’t know how I have wanted to be here with you.”

    The visualization of what Linda, the devout Christian girl, was thinking of as she explored Peter’s cock, as he ate her “innocent” vagina and as he positioned his penis in front of her vagina as he made his moves to enter her is quite a visualization !!!

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