Anti-Marriage, Anti-Relationship and Anti-Children

A few weeks ago one of my oldest friends accused me of being “anti-marriage, anti-relationship and anti-children”, I was shocked. “Me?” I responded, “Where did you get that impression from?” “It’s true” she said, if you like ask “Koshie* ”. What? My friends were discussing me and had come to the conclusion that I am anti-marriage, anti-relationship and anti-children?

“Well, I know you and I know deep down you are not anti-marriage, anti-relationship and anti-children” my friend conceded. I asked Koshie and she agreed with Aminata’s* original view, and vigorously defended their position.

So for the record I would like to clarify my position on marriage, relationships and children.

Yes, I am fairly cynical about marriages and relationships in general. I look around me and I do not see many healthy marriages and relationships. In fact I am sure I can count the good marriages AND relationships on ONE hand. This is how I define a good marriage/relationship:

The people within the marriage/relationship are generally happy, supportive of each other’s efforts and faithful.

It’s a simple definition but I do not see much of that around me. I don’t think I am anti-relationships or anti-marriage at all…okay maybe I am anti-traditional marriages…okay I am definitely anti-traditional marriages but I doth protest that I am not anti-relationships. I think relationships that work are beautiful. I am actually a bit of a romantic. I love the passion, the excitement and the thrill of new relationships. Yes I know what you are going to say – the relationships get old and then what happens? I think if your old relationship has a strong foundation then you can make it work. I think if you and your partner have enough shared interests then you can make your relationship work. Yet sometimes I think “why do people make so much of an effort trying to fix what is clearly broken”, “why stay together for the sake of the children when you are so unhappy”, “why stay together because you are financially dependent on him/her”, “why get married because everybody thinks you should be married by a certain age”, “why stay married because you have a child together.” If this means I am anti-marriage and anti-relationships then so be it.

Now let me come to the charge of being “anti-children”. I think this charge is levelled against me because I have no children and I have expressed no major intentions of having any. (I also have a fear of childbirth and childcare which I have previously blogged about)

I cannot hear my biological clock. I have been listening but I do not hear it. Sssshhh, let me listen…no, I do not hear it. So how can I have children when I do not feel like having children? I like other people’s children though, well only for limited periods of time. I do have a very good relationship with some children and younger people, I’m like a cool Aunt, the one who will hang out with you and allow you to go all crazy. I especially love my God Child ‘cos she is my God Child and her Mum made me God Mother. I feel a strong emotional connection to her because her Mom gave me a role in her life. I do not feel the same relationship to other children with whom there is no connection. Unfortunately my God Child and I do not live on the same continent let alone in the same country. I wish we did though…then I could be a really cool Aunt, I could take her to the beach, to the museum, we could go out to eat…

I do want to adopt in future. There are so many children that need a good home. It doesn’t make sense to have your own when there are so many children already in the world without parents. I know for a fact that I will adopt one day. My parents are anti-adoption though, they think I should have children of my own; they are concerned that adopted children end up resenting their parents. My Dad thinks instead of adopting children I should do the traditional Ghanaian fostering where you take care financially of the child/children. As far as he is concerned there is no need to legally adopt a child. Of course, he is also speaking from his own personal experiences. He has seen so many instances of adoptions gone wrong.

The one thing I know though is that I do not want to ever regret not having children. I once heard an older woman say that the one thing she regrets is not having a child. I don’t want to be that woman. I also don’t want to be that woman who has a child because she thinks “I’m getting old”. I want to hear my biological clock tick before I respond. Oh and I tend to get what I want in life so when I decide I am ready to have a child nothing will stop me.