Good-bye, Vibrator Virginity

A couple of months ago, you may recall that Nana and I went on a search for new “accoutrements” while she was here in Atlanta. It was during that time that both she and the accoutrements seller loudly admonished me for having never used a vibrator. Jeez! Was it that big a deal?

Apparently it was.

Let me start by saying:

Oh. My. Gawd!

And

Shiiiit!!!

Like any first time sexual experience (with a person or a thing), it starts off a little weird because of the unfamiliarity. The circumstances surrounding my vibrator use probably could have had something to do with my discomfort as well. The kids had been screaming all day, the house was a wreck, and I could not calm my nerves with a drink because I’m still nursing. I needed an escape! So as soon as my husband hit the door, I gave him a kiss, handed him the baby, and went upstairs to unearth some KY and the contra banded vibrator…and batteries! I had to come back downstairs to look for batteries under the pretense that they were for the upstairs remote.

Since I was a novice, the first thing I did was a vaginal introduction. Now that I think back, that was SUCH a teenage boy move. Now warm up or nothing. Just “Hey! Here’s this hard thing, now put it between your legs.” After laying there for a minute or so with this buzzing green thing betwixt my thighs, I quickly got bored. What was the big deal?? I changed speeds, and there was no change. This was wack. Suddenly, I heard Nana’s voice come to me, like Master Yoda using the Force.

Clitoral stimulation, the Force said.

Oh. That felt nice.
Okay now wait a minute.
Ohhh!!! What the f—!!!

As I moaned out loud and let out an “Oh shit!” I suddenly heard my husband’s footfall on the stairs. Dammit!

“Babe?” he asked through the locked door. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah. Yeah! I’m fine!” Irritated and scared, I hoped out of bed, through my pants back on, hid the vibrator and opened the door. I tried to look innocent and like I had not been cheating on him. You see, my husband like a lot of men, is intimidated by the very presence of a vibrator. They feel replaceable. I wish more men understood that like any mechanical device, and vibrator just does what you could do on your own more efficiently. Like a fan or an electric stove.

“Come downstairs and see what the baby is doing,” he said excited. “He loves his walker.”

I was about to have the climax of my life and you interrupted me to come see a baby in a walker???

I dutifully went downstairs and feigned excitement.

“Oh how cute!”

All the while, my mind was fixed on the green Pleasure Monster that waited for me back upstairs. It kept calling to me…like crack.

Patience my pet. We’ll be together soon enough again!