Dating Dilemma: Who Pays?

The worst part of any date for me is when the bill arrives. Who pays? The man? The woman? The one who initiated the date? Should you always offer to go dutch? Should you make a half-hearted attempt to reach for your purse? Should you insist on paying half? Should he (or she) pay for one date and you pay for the next? Does it matter who pays?

Three date “payment” issues stick in my mind.

Once upon a time I decided to explore internet dating. Truth be told, I wanted to write a book which was going to be titled “Finding Mr Right on the Internet”. My research involved going on numerous dates courtesy of Match.com. The majority of dates were okay, one date was really good and we ended up hanging out for a short while but there was one particular date experience that made me delete my profile from match.com
Let’s call Mr Bad Date, “Tony”…Tony was a singing salesman, at least that is how he described himself when I asked him that boring, routine question “ So, what do you do?” After some more conversation it turned out that Tony was a door to door salesman but really wanted to be a singer. He had tried out unsuccessfully for some of the music contests on TV. It was a fun date though – we initially met in a tapas bar where we had sangria (he picked up the tab), then he suggested we continue for dinner (he picked up the tab again) and then he suggested we go dancing but we ended up at another bar (again he picked up the tab), but something different happened this time. Halfway through he excused himself to go to the loo and when he returned asked if I had picked up the tab already to which I responded “No”…so he picked up the tab. Truth be told I was so broke at that point in time so also wasn’t feeling flush enough to pick up tabs.
It was almost midnight when we left the bar. “It’s almost midnight” he said, “Can I crush at yours?” “No” was my shocked response. I had just met this guy and wasn’t about to let him spend the night at mine.

After the date I had a post mortem with my best friend at the time and she laughed at the idea of dating a travelling salesman who wanted to be singer. “What, he’s 40 and he’s still harbouring dreams of being a singer?, that is never going to happen” I thought back over the date and thought “Hmm, okay I had fun but now I’m not sure if I actually want to continue seeing this guy”. So when Tony contacted me the following day to find out if I wanted to play tennis, I said “I just want you to know that I only want friendship”. He was furious and I could sense the venom emanating from the computer. “So why did you let me spend so much money on you last night. What century are you from?” I was shocked; I had never had anyone throw the money they had spent on me in my face.

On the other hand I have been on other dates where the men get affronted when you even reach for your purse. One guy said to me “This is not London you know” when I offered to go Dutch. Only last week I had a guy say to me, “You know in Africa, the men always pay” when I offered to pay for part of our meal.

So what is the real deal? When do you offer to pay and when do you not? Is there a racial/cultural element to who pays when you go on a date? Yes, Tony was white but in that same period of internet dating I went out with at least one other white man who picked up the tab when we went to the bar and an asian/mixed race man who did the same when we went for coffee. At the same time I recall going to Pizza Hut many years ago with a Ghanaian man who said “Show me the money” when our takeaway arrived and I dutifully paid for our pizza.

What have been your date “payment” issues? Any experiences to share? Any advice? Should I go on a date when I have no money? Shall I always offer to pay? Should I go dutch? What do you do?

Posted on December 6, 2009. by Nana Darkoa.
Filed under General Issues.
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There are 25 comments to this post.

Dec 6, 2009
7:47 pm

Oluniyi David Ajao has this to say,

The “Tony” saga is amusing.
Who pays would depend on both parties and how they understand each other. In my view, no strict rules apply. What if a guy was not working? Does that mean he is forbidden from dating? What if the lady works and is more than willing to pay (let’s hope she’d not abuse that later)? Does that mean she is forbidden?

The man+lady should strike a balance that works for them.

Dec 6, 2009
9:25 pm

Kajsa has this to say,

Not sure how helpful my culturally tainted opinions (Swedish) are, but here we go:

The person who initiates the date should pay, especially for the first one or two dates. If it continues, I think one should offer to pay one’s own part. Rationale being, I want to make it clear I’m there to see you, not to spend all my money or eat for free.

In Sweden, many first dates are for coffee, so money is rarely a huge issue. But lets face it, g e n e r a l l y dating is about judging/choosing another person and if they seem stingy or just out to chop a free meal, thats not the first impression I am looking for!

Dec 6, 2009
10:02 pm

Omosi T has this to say,

The person that initiated the date should pay, but in the above case Tony is a douche, seriously he wanted to sleep on her couch after the first date? Ugh!

That being said in Nigeria and I think a big part of the continent the dude is expected to pay and even when women offer, guys are offended for the most part. Personally, I expect the guy to pay every damn time but that doesn’t mean I don’t ever offer to pay, I just don’t mean it.

Dec 7, 2009
5:29 am

Gee has this to say,

abeg the initiator of the date jere!

Dec 8, 2009
7:42 am

Sankofa has this to say,

Lol at Omosi T! If we’re still in the “dating” phase then I would generally expect the man to pay, especially if he’s the one who asked me out (generally 90% of the time). Like Omosi T, I may offer to pay but I’d generally not mean it. However, once we reach the relationship stage, I usually offer to split the bill and actually mean it this time! Some guys get offended but I think some genuinely appreciate it because it shows you’re not just out for their money. If a guy never lets me pay and I actually like him, I’ll get him little gifts to say thank you once in a while.

LOL at the guy who said “show me the money”!

Dec 8, 2009
12:08 pm

Nana Darkoa has this to say,

@ Oluniyi – At this point in my life, and based on past experiences I would rather not date a man who is not working…seriously the issues you run into, its totally not worth it. If its mere friendship, then that’s okay but there definitely will not be a future in the relationship

@ Kajsa – I think the first date being for coffee is such a great idea! But as you know in Gh, we rarely go out for coffee, maybe a simple drink will be also effective. Oh you have reminded me of a horrible date experience when I went for coffee with a guy. He drank his tea with his teaspoon and we split the very small coffee bill, i just thought “Aba! you are too stingy

@ Omosi – The worst bit is that I think he expected to do more than sleep on my couch. Charle, I feel you on not meaning it when you offer to pay…unless the guy is a friend but if he is “chasing” me…hmmm, I know there are issues there but that’s the way I also feel

@ Gee – Hahaha, simply and well said

@ Sankofa – Ditto! I’m happy to take turns when we are actually in a relationship and I also like to do the little gifts. My little gifts do not include cleaning, cooking, etc…Charle I was soooo traumatised by the guy who said “show me the money”.

Dec 8, 2009
4:29 pm

dyk has this to say,

1nc wnt on a date n da guy had 2 pay wit coins;ba day he was bragin earlya on.i wish u wer der.i was an eye saw.so i had 2 solisit.n he keps caln.he has no shame.dey rili need 2 b tlkd 2

Dec 8, 2009
6:01 pm

Kofi Ametewee has this to say,

Isn’t this part and parcel of the patriarchy issue feminists have such a hard time with. This seems to be verging on gender determinism.

In the US, it was fairly straightforward in the circles I ran in, dutch unless someone insisted. It left everyone feeling independent, and created no expectations.

Dec 8, 2009
7:16 pm

Mike has this to say,

Personally, I have no issues picking the tab on dates. When I ask a lady out, it is usually to a place I want to go to anyway. Spending a few more chips for the company doesn’t kill me. (like those stocks you buy and forget about. They pay big in the long run).
I don’t know about other guys but I see through ladies they play like they want to pick the tab. They lose major points.
Here’s a story for ya. I met this lady, we got along very well, spent a lot of quality time together but she lost her spot when the summer was over.
She didn’t know that after our first few dates, I had already filed her under “summer fling”. She wasn’t spoiling me as much as I was spoiling her so the expiration date came sooner.
Were talking the other day and she told me about a recent 1st date she went on. The guy had them meet at a pretty fancy restaurant in Accra. When the check came he said he lost his wallet. Luckily for her, she had cash meant for her friend or sister on her. I was nice & sympathized with her though. She couldn’t believe the guy asked her for a ride to his house after the date.

My advice (after the lenghty talk); Be ready to pick the tab at anytime without flinching. Chances are, he will pay all the time but you score major points when you do before he reaches for his wallet. If there is an uncomfortable delay in him getting the check, ask if he’s got it or if you should go dutch. I don’t see how a man would feel insulted by that.

Free Tiger Woods!

Dec 9, 2009
12:10 am

Barima Kwakye has this to say,

Interesting……

The first date yes the guy pays. but later outings it would be nice if the lady offered to pay and actually meaning it and not faking it. It makes the guy feel like she’s worth spending all that money on.

The thing is well maybe for me, I dont have a problem spending, all I want is some kind of appreciation. meaning sayn something nice like… ” Ooh that was thoughtful, I get the next one” Its knowing that you have dont think of me as stream where you can fetch anytime u want to fill up ur belly.

Dec 9, 2009
12:17 am

Nsoromma has this to say,

@ Mike, lol @ free Tiger Woods! Looooooooooooooooooool!

Anyhooo, back to the post. If YOU ask to go on a date with ME, it’s your date, anaa! U asked, u pay, simples. But douchebags exists so I rarely go on a date where I would not have the means of picking up the tab. If you insist on taking me somewhere I cannot afford, I will tell you as for me I can’t afford, then clearly if you insist it’s on you! I fear nasty surprises from unscrupulous guys.

However, I like the idea of men generally picking up the tab until dating turns to a relationship. When I’m in a relationship I will split the bills most times or take turns paying. Seems fair to me.

Dec 9, 2009
12:36 am

Nana Darkoa has this to say,

@ dyk – Oh I would just die of mortification if my date ever paid with coins. Sorry o

@Kofi – Absolutely, and as a feminist myself I hate that I even feel this way about dates and who pays, I guess it’s my socialisation

@Mike – Oh yes, I have learnt that lesson, do not go on a date unless you have money to pay if need be. I really need to follow this Tiger Woods story more, all I know is he has been caught cheating on his wife, but how is that news? Isn’t that what they all do or am I just being a cynic?

@ Barima – Agree so much on showing appreciation

@ Nsoromma – Well said

Dec 9, 2009
6:29 am

Kofi Ametewee has this to say,

That is funny, Nana!

Anyhow, here is how I deconstruct the formulations I see here.

for guys: paying is a (down)payment for access to pussy, to signal that I’m a Darwin winner, and to salve my conscience if I do a hit-and-run.

for gals: paying is a necessary salve for his access to the only thing he really values about me, but if I enjoy the sex, then I’ll maybe stump up to keep things moving along….

Dec 9, 2009
10:45 am

Mike has this to say,

@ Kofi: You beat me to it. I was just about to say the same. We put our money where our mouths want to go (y’all ladies know that too. Dont act like it’s a secret)
@ Nana: Dont bother looking into the Tiger case. It’s the same ol’ story. His wife found out about all these women giving him what she doesnt give him, she got pissed, a tree and an escalade got injured, the media is digging for details of his sex life so they can get a cheap orgasm.
@ Barima; I agree, appreciation is a good start. But we wont get far if she doesn’t do me like I do her at least 5% of the time (roughly 1 out of every 20 dates). That number goes up the more she claims “woman power”.

Dec 9, 2009
10:54 am

maameous has this to say,

I always attempt to pay and mean it. What happens is usually we split the bill evenly. I just don’t like the idea of some guy spending money and then thinking i owe him sthing. Though i sometimes wonder if i’m being unfair to myself as …like whether i’m giving the guy a free ride and i shd be more expensive. But i’d rather pay so i don’t feel indebted. And then when u do nyaa, i can give u nyaa back and we’re even. lol.

Dec 9, 2009
11:03 am

Nana Darkoa has this to say,

@Kofi – Surely, you are just trying to be controversial. I will be interested in hearing what other men think. Does paying for a date mean down payment for access to pussy, etc?

Personally if I was going to sell my body for sex the price would be much, much, much, higher than the cost of a meal. Aba!

Dec 9, 2009
11:59 am

kofi Ametewee has this to say,

Sure, ND, it’s a little controversial, but it looks like it resonates with Mike and Maameous.

Of course, if you wanted to sell your body for sex you’d probably definitely fetch a higher price, but you will also cross a certain line that you might not want to cross. So, a polite token that seems to even out the scales between man’s unbridled desire and woman’s coyness (more controversy, I know, and I don’t believe this to be true myself).

Dec 9, 2009
6:48 pm

Razak Suleiman has this to say,

This issue to me is cultural cuz in london u know most women can afford to pay for themselves but in Ghana were a meal for 2 at a decent restaurant can run into a 100 cedis i think it will be harsh to ask her to pay unless maybe u decide to humble urself n go for waakye or sumthin

Dec 9, 2009
7:02 pm

Abena has this to say,

Oh ho! But the Ghanaman too, why did he have to shy himself and insist that you “show him the money” for Pizza Hut? Not even Fellini’s Pizza. Ebei! What a “winner”.

Dec 9, 2009
8:14 pm

Abena Serwaa has this to say,

*LOL* Great post and interesting comments! Had a real LMAO moment here. Tony should be hired to sing a disclaimer ad for Match.com! I was recently asked about dating dynamics in Ghana and realized that despite 6+ years in GH, I’m still without a clue. Generally I find that some Ghanaian guys are really offended when you whip out the purse. The much older ones especially. The younger guys don’t seem to mind as much. BTW, in the Netherlands, I finally got to experience why they call it “going Dutch”. You really have to be sure to bring a calculator on a date there!

Dec 10, 2009
2:14 am

Nana Kofi has this to say,

Hahaha this post has really got me laughing but before I digress I will run straight to the matter at hand:

I’m used to paying on dates. It is almost at the point of habitual. There have been a few times when I have had to either apologize or kick myself for picking up the bill. These moments are:

1. When by my paying, the girl assumes my real intention is to get to have sex with her. This is quite common with models and some start giving you serious green or amber lights or they start to sporadically talk about their boyfriends.. Of course, not all models are like that. I mentioned models because I hang out with quite a lot of them.

2. When the girl assumes I am one of those idiots who don’t know what to do with their money and so quickly throw it at pretty girls. I think the Akan name for such men is “Mr. Otua”.

3. When the girl feels insulted by my gesture. I know for some girls, it is very important that they take the bill or you go dutch. I like to respect people’s feelings but sometimes, I miss the signals and then I go home feeling all bad.

And finally, when the girl is used to me paying and so doesn’t make any attempt to contribute on subsequent dates. I know that no true relationship (it doesn’t matter what kind) can be built on just one side giving and the other side only receiving.

Dec 15, 2009
5:31 am

Lovelylind has this to say,

Ah-ah! LOL “Show me the money??” I’m cool with going Dutch, but I would’ve been offended by someone who said “Show me the money.” lol

Either way…as “progressive” as I claim to be, I like it when the man takes it upon himself to pay. However, I don’t mind treating the guy sometimes, too.

Ps. I think this is my first comment since you guys changed websites/domains, but I still check you out. Hope you both are well.

Dec 15, 2009
11:50 pm

Nana Darkoa has this to say,

@Lovelylind – When I first saw your comment I thought, “Oh my goodness, where did Lovelylind dissapear to”. Its good to hear from you…please keep commenting. I am very well

Dec 16, 2009
3:09 am

Lovelylind has this to say,

Don’t worry! I’ve been here. In fact, I read your entry a whileeeeee ago when you mentioned you had locs. I do, too… and my mom (and the rest of the older generation in my family) HATES it. Says “it’s not a part of ‘our’ culture.”

That, in addition to a seminar on skin bleaching at my job, made me wonder about what is considered “beautiful” in Ghanaian culture. It might make for an interesting discussion here. You’ve written about appreciation of body, but perhaps appreciation of other physical aspects? Who knows?

Either way, just wanted to hear about your experiences with your locs (while living in Ghana).

Jan 12, 2010
9:36 pm

Naomi has this to say,

Guys genereally get paid more than women do. 70 cents off $1, and we should pay for BOTH our bill?? Seriously…

That being said, I always am ready to foot my bill (and sometimes his) cuz I like the feeling of being independent. I’ve been with guys who wait on me to reach for my purse AND let me pay(thats usually the last date if he is healthy and not broke) and others who get mad when I reach for my purse, like its insulting. So i guess you need to judge the situation accordingly. But then guys want to show they care by practical things like TAKING CARE of the bill and they should.

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