@ Nana Kofi – all your points are relevant to addressing some set of issues, not exactly sure in my case though. but thanks for engaging.

@ Pearl – thanks for the heads up. I didn’t have oral sex with the guy though – and yes I do believe that counts as sex too.

@ Juliana: I totally applaud you for the “no premarital sex” thingy. However, don’t you think giving someone a blow job falls under the “Things people do when they’re having a sexual relationship” category? And therefore constitutes the pre-marital sex that you claim not to want? If I may ask, what were your original reasons for abstaining from sex till marriage? If any of your answers include your religious faith or moral issues, then you need to re-think your ideas about what constitutes celibacy or ‘no pre-marital sex’, because giving someone a blow job is sex. I know the traditional idea of sexual intercourse is a male reproductive organ entering a female reproductive tract. But, it also includes penetration of and by non-sexual organs i.e. fingering, fisting, cunnilingus and the good ole’ blow job (with or without using one’s mouth). I reiterate, wanting to keep your virginity till you’re married is highly laudable but don’t play games with other people by trying to assuage your guilt and keep your hymen intact with these shenanigans that you get up to. And I mean this sincerely. i feel you, but I think you’re playing a dangerous game here. You might go on vacation with someone who will not take no for an answer and force you into doing what you don’t want to do. A word to the wise…

So, to the question at hand, how do you delight in your “own release when the other’s is so physically disruptive?” This is a tough one for me, I haven’t been in a situation where I found my partner’s sounds (sights) during orgasm disruptive. If anything, I enjoy the sounds – it makes me feel like “Yeah, I made them come”. I actually get a bit dissapointed when people are a bit quiet during orgasm. This is very ironic considering that I used to be one of the quiet ones.

I’m really curious, has anybody else had an experience similar to Juliana?

For example, the thought of “helping him orgasm” in 2009 raises a lot of questions for me. From the little I know about “adult and fulfilling” relationships, sex is not a favor one party does the other. Sex is a favor you both do each other. Mutual involvement, mutual orgasm. In long and stable relationships, there are times when one party can offer help but I find it weird for a fresh relationship. I think, and might be wrong, that in normal fresh relationships, you can’t take your hands and eyes off each other.

Also, in cultures where the woman is suppressed, she is often expected to help her man but not enjoy. It is the reason behind Female Genital Mutilation. I might be wrong but I think one of the things Feminists fight for, is woman’s right to sexually fulfilling relationships.

By the way, in any new relationship, one must be mindful of precedences. You don’t want your partner getting used to you as a helper?

3. Finally, when you give your lover a blow job or hand job or whatever job, the natural, normal expectation is an orgasm, otherwise, what is the point?

I agree with Kofi that you may have found your man in Nana because regular male folk like Mike, Kofi and Kofi (me) are used to a different kind of sex. Definitely not like what you describe or expect Merry Christmas

‘The men do it too’ is a poor rationale for any actions. Maybe men should do it less.

The communication gap between you and your friend doesn’t sound like it helped with the adult relationship you aspired to have. All the more surprising for someone so good with the written word.

Was the guy an outlier in his orgasming? Hard to say, especially hard for a neophyte to assess, wouldn’t you think? I’ve only my own experience to go on, but I’m now scared that I don’t know how the critical gaze of my lover might experience my throes of pleasure. Should I now just whimper like a day-old puppy?

Am sure many women feel inhibited about orgasms because of their sense of how they are perceived at that moment. I hope we can use this exchange to tell everyone, woman or man, that it is ok to come anyway you come…

…and that if it turns someone off, well, then, at least you got yours while they were thinking about what was going on.

@Kofi A, although you throw in a few caveats here and there – you still seem to feel strongly that there’s something completely abnormal about my reaction, or slightly defective/deficient about me. Is it the case that you’re putting yourself in the guy’s shoes and thinking “if someone reacted like this about me, i wouldn’t be down with it?”

As for the descriptors, I have a vivid imagination! However, i’m pretty sure if you put what he exhibited on a curve, it’d be an outlier – and not the norm of how people orgasm. my sense is that had i actually be engaged in intercourse, there’s no way i wouldn’t have come away with scratches and some bodily harm – at least from what i could tell. so my reaction was based on that – the fact that I could see no way of me being involved in that moment and enjoying it.

Again about the weeks that followed – my not being able to talk about it kept it on my mind…and made it difficult for me to move past that. As u confirmed men can have fragile egos – and given that i had no idea what feedback he’d received on his “performance”, i just couldn’t figure out the right way to talk about it. I didn’t up and break up with him because I was freaked out by the experience. Yes I got weird…and didn’t say much. But the subsequent disintegration he was as much responsible for!

Mixed signals…hmm…well I can’t take any blame for that. See…guys do that all the time! They pretty much rope you into doing something – and then decide later that they were led on. I didn’t want to go anywhere…he insisted that going on vacation didn’t mean we had to have sex. I insisted on a separate room and got one…but he choose to come hang out in my room and bust out “why are you acting like you’re afraid you’re going to get raped”. I could go on and on – but that’s a whole other post.

And now I’m getting too detailed – which is what scared me shitless about opening up this experience to the world. I’m generally really guarded about everything and would probably never verbalize any of this. Put this out there more to get feedback on navigating a not so pleasant sexual experiences with someone you like otherwise.

So will plead not to focus on how inept I am or unrealistic my expectations about sex. I more want to explore how to handle a situation where something that gives your partner pleasure is a turn off for you (bearing in mind we can’t always control what turns us off).