In that short post you brought up several sub-levels each deserving of being explored in depth.

As I have pointed out my position in earlier posts, I won’t rehash it here save to say that while being chaste is ONE answer, particularly in light of the high HIV levels in Africa and here in the Caribbean, keep in mind that adopting (or maintaining) the sex-negative ideas and attitudes of the West bring with them a host of the same problems we are facing right now. It’s ironic how the sexual mores of patricentric Europe and Arabia foster the same behaviours they seek to suppress.

While I do not dismiss the argument you advance, have all got to understand that this is not and will never be a clear either/or, black/white issue. I also think it is somewhat simplistic or more correctly one-dimensional to state that it’s just “just because we want to and most importantly because we believe the repercussion doesn’t outweigh the thrill/pleasure of cheating…”

Yes, many people who engage in extramarital sex (note MY avoidance of the value-laden word ‘cheating’) do so partly for the thrill of engaging in something forbidden. But I’d also strongly argue that a great many people who end up in 3rd party relationships never set out to do so but did indeed feel they could conform to the expectation of monogamy. After all, that’s the only “moral” model they were taught. Very very few are ever told of the origins of that model (were you?), that monogamy is not natural among humans and has never ever been, that the monogamous, exclusive model had nothing to do with any god, righteousness or respect for family (less so women) and that while it is possible for many to be monogamous and remain very happy and satisfied within that model, there are equally legitimate non-monogamous alternatives one can adopt if one feels one’s personality or lifestyle or reality cannot conform to any idea of exclusivity.

And if it appears that I an rationalising, well, yeah, I am. That’s the damn problem; to much emotive responses and not enough clinical, sensible understanding of the facts of what is a complex issue.

While all that was said here is true I think we would ll do well if we start from the understanding that as humans we are all very complex with extemely diverse preferesnces anc desires. In studies like “The Extramarital Connection” Atwater interviewed women who had no “push” factor in their marriages; they had satisfying, sex lives, supportive husbands, etc. Yet they still engaged in some sort of 3rd-party relationship. Many times one has a bond with someone other than ones S/O that grows into intmacy or is best expressed through intimate contact, including of course, intercourse.

Nothing can chage the fact that we are going by sexual rules that were created when the forms of communication, travel, interpersonal contact, forms of employment, demographics, etc were profoundly different than what they are today. So now you may find “the One” and quickly discover that there many other “the Ones” all around you.

The point is that if we continue to hold to the notion that our mate (or our own selves) has to posses ALL the desired qualities to fulfill all the sexual, intellectual, emotional, spiritul, financial and security needs, we and our children will be agonising over these same issues in time to come.

It would do well if you were a litle more sophisticated in your views on the subject. It’s not that what you said was wrong, but I find that at this juncture we should all treat with the subject as the complex multifaceted issue that it is.

I’m not disputing that there are those among us who are just looking to fuck anything in sight with little regard for anyone else; I’m not dismissing either the asertion that for some women to step outside of their exclusive marriage or partnership they have to be “pissed off” at their mate or are sexually unsatisfied. All that however, is only a small part, a really small part of the wider issue; many men step out because of sexual AS WELL AS emotional unfulfillment while there are women who will stray once there are options as well as step out even IF they have otherwise satisfying sex lives and are fulfilled. It’s just that the social pressures are greater on women to remain exclusive than men.

Which brings me (AGAIN) to the elephant in the room, monogamy

Why oh why are we still arguing from the (perhaps unconscious) assumption that monogamy is natural? That it is the point of departure or the moral benchmark and every/anythinig else is divergent? IT IS NOT. There are people who CAN be monogamous and exclusive (two different things actually) but that does not mean that EVERYONE is supposed to be that way. We have got to engage in these discussions recognising the diversity of humans and that even within societies, there must be legitimate space for different behaviours and preferences sexually and emotionally. By doing that alone we would be challenging an ideological position that is a foundation of patriarchal thought — unifocalilty. The one common thread linking all patriarchy/patricentry be it in traditional or postcolonial Africa and the Caribbean, in Europe or Euro-American culture is the intolerance for diversity. That intolerance is especially prevalent in sexuality, which is where it may have started in the first place.

HUMANS, both male and female are sexually divrese, end of story. Society has changed from how it was when the rigid monogamous, exclusive model was first imposed hundreds and hundreds of years ago (and it wasn’t appropriate even then) and we have to recognise that and come away from such value-laden terms as “cheating” “unfaithful” especially in the African/Afri-Caribbean contexts as we seek to redefine our spaces. Let them in the North Atlantic metropoles stay with that arseness if they want, let US move ahead

A chick will cheat when she’s frustrated at her partner cos he’s royally pissing her off and she can’t think of a better way to get at him or cos he consistently leaves her sexually unsatisfied. Dudes on the other hand, are only as faithful as their options. Fact. From when you were 11 years old, every guy that smiled at you and said hello wanted to fuck you. Over time you’ve learnt how to say no thanks/no fuck off and it works in adult life as well – as long as you’ve kept yourself somewhat fit. Guys on the other, from when we realised our little peepee wasn’t just for writing our names in the sand, we’ve wanted to stick it where the bible intended. Fast forward a decade or two and the world has changed. The sisters are saying “fuck it, anything a guy can do …….” and are now coming on to guys. I’m prepared to wager my last dime that there isn’t a single guy out there who can consistently say “thanks but no thanks”. There’s only so many times a guy can say “no” before he goes “okay, come on then”. So it’s about options. Is he getting offers? Is he gonna get caught? can he afford it? If it all checks out, he’s cheating, guaranteed. I don’t care who you are, you could be the dalai lama and you’ll cheat if all that checks out.

I also think there are some people out there (both guys and gals) who are just hos and will fuck however good they have already have it cos they just can’t say no. Some will argue being monogamous is not in our DNA. maybe i agree with that school of thought, if God wanted us to be monogamous, he would have made us all look exactly alike. Why do you think penguins mate for life? Go figure.