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Guest Contributor Ekuba’s Letter to the Other Woman

Dear Missie (short version of Mistress),

You probably expect this to be another article that condemns you and tells you you’re a horrible person for banging another woman’s husband.  You probably expect me to urge you to leave him.

But I won’t say these things to you because I know you’ve heard them over and over again. How do I know? You see, Missie, I have been you before- once.

Actually, I have been you five times. I have dated five married men and this is the biggest regret of my life. I remember the one that I fell in love with. After he took me for a moonlit stroll on the beach, gazed into my eyes and whispered softly, ‘You are so beautiful’, I was hooked. It hurt like hell to leave him but I had to face the harsh reality that he never truly loved me. I dated another for money and another out of lust.

One day, I realized that I was special and beautiful. I realized that I deserved to have my own man. So I decided never to date another man who was wedded to another and I’ve never looked back. To tell you the truth, I have never felt better!

Baby girl, this is what I wish someone had told me back then when I was the other woman:

  1. Learn to love yourself because you are so special and beautiful; develop a thriving life without him- make new friends, learn to swim or dance or write, start a new project!
  2. Don’t hide what is going on, talk to someone you trust who won’t judge you.
  3. Keep a journal and read it from time to time; it’ll keep you from ignoring your deepest feelings.
  4. Take everything he tells you with truckloads of salt; he lies to someone he made vows to so maybe he’s lying to you.
  5. Protect yourself: always use condoms because he’s most probably having sex with his spouse and of course there could be others.
  6. Please don’t get pregnant, I know you think it’ll bring him closer to you but think about your unborn child who doesn’t deserve to be brought into this uncertain situation.
  7. Don’t waste your energy hating & envying his wife; you don’t know her story or her pain.
  8. Believe that you deserve to have a good man all to yourself and don’t give up on finding such a man.
  9. Know that you have a choice in this matter; no matter how swept off your feet you feel, you have the final say whether to leave him or to stay; if you leave him, you’ll survive because until you met him, you lived without him and yet you didn’t die.

I wish you lots of love and happiness.

Ekuba

PS: If you’re reading this and you’re Missie, let me know what you think. If you’re reading this and you’re not Missie, I’d like to hear your comments on the matter (and is there anything you’d like to tell Missie yourself?).

About the Author

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Published on: 29 April 2012 by in General Issues, Relationships

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17 Comments
  1. Malaka says:

    I’ve never been someone’s mistress, but nearly was unwittingly! Some DJ took me to her apartment filled with pictures of his son, his mom and his WIFE. They lived in Antigua. I hightailed it out of there are fast as his car could take me. (I was a college student and had no car of my own )

    I rarely put the burden of blame on a mistress. The husband has the responsibility of honoring his vows. I often find that these women are empty, so I def echo your sentiments in advising them to find wholeness within themselves.

  2. Ohemaa says:

    What if you’re dating a married man not for attention or for money but just for being with a married person’s sake? I’m dating a married man now, I don’t love him, he never gives me money. We’ve just developed an easy friendship and have sex and that’s it… bad thing?

  3. Ekuba, I applaud your honesty…

  4. For de where says:

    @Ohemaa. You mean you cant have a single man who can provide all that? Just think of your fellow woman, how she might be feeling. You deserve better than this. Someone you will not have to look over your shoulders is just standing by. Go Girl. Go get him and leave this looser.

  5. Malaka says:

    @Ohemaa that is a fair question. And I think the only person to answer that honestly would be your lover’s wife. Would she approve of you sleeping with her husband? Perhaps the two of you should ask her. She may be relived that her husband is getting sex else where…or very angry. That is not for anyone on this forum to judge, but rather the three of you in ‘this relationship.’

  6. Abena says:

    Me this Missie Missie thing,its only the moral side that gets 2 me especially growing up in a strong Christian home and knowing what the Bible says about adultery and fornication!
    Really bcos now the women too are sleeping ard so do we get to empathize wit the men too abt pains they r going thru?
    I know this is no excuse but some women actually drive their men away in2 the willing and welcome arms of a missie.
    Some men too are jst men,they got to have a girlfriend anyway anyhow.
    Ekuba u wrote beautifully but it doesn’t change anything for some,u got to hear somebody’s story to know why she’s bn a missie,for her a whole family has been saved: education,food,shelter etc,u might want 2 argue that these r material but to her she was nothing witout it,she now can take care of herself and family too!What makes u a better person?after all u sleeping wit ur boyfriend is also considered fornication & a sin.
    I have also come to realize that some of the married women actually welcome the role of the missie.On countless occassion I have heard some married women say: ah so far as he takes care of the home &does what expected of him,why bother myself abt his girls?’
    Some missie’s eventually graduate to become the wives,as to wheather karma visit them,I can’t tell.
    There’s a certain a wife who used 2 b a missie &now lives the glamourous life,she’s seen everywhere &is accorded the highest level of respect as the wife of a certain rich Ship magnate in Ghana,she’s enjoying and most missie’s dream is to be like her: who doesn’t want?
    PS:I have been a missie and continue 2 b one.do I feel guilty?I don’t know.are there no single guys ard?yea probably but they r busy trying to sow their wild oats all over. Its a matter of personal principles &a conscience but it easily escapes us when we need it most.
    To each one and his or her own. He who has not sinned should …

  7. Ekuba says:

    @ Malaka: whew, narrow escape there! i’m wondering thought that if you had dated him for a long time without knowing he was married & then fallen in love would you have left immediately you found out he was married? & abt the advice u gave Ohemaa abt thinking abt his wife:these were my thoughts back then: ‘HIs wife doesnt give a s**t [pardon my french:) ] abt me & my challenges so why should i care about her & her marriage? Besides, it’s her hubby that came after me so she shd deal with him’. what do u think abt that?
    @ Kofi A: Honesty is the best policy (i’m sooo cliche, i know! hehehe)
    @ For de where: Hmmm, honestly, sometimes a single guy can’t give u what u get from a married man. Let me explain b4 u bite of my head lol! gals date married men bcos it feels ‘magical’. he knos he can’t give u what lots of women ultimately want (ie: marriage) so he gives u everythin else. he pampers u with gifts, is alwaays affectionate, gives u attention on a whim & this is what hooks u. he has a family, so u c him only occasionally & so each time u c each other, u’r both on ur best behavior & u have a gr8 time. Oh & the sex is phenomenal! not because married men are tigers or whatever but bcos there’s a ‘forbidden’ element 2 affairs that makes ur head swim when u’r havin sex bcos we all find what we shdn’t hv very tantalizing (does anyone ever feel that way abt a slice of chocolate cake?). so i guess my question is that how can u convince someone who’s enjoying all this & who might want a relationship with a single man someday (but not immediately) to give up an affair?

    • Malaka says:

      I guess I was making the assumption that his wife was in the dark about your relationship. How could she give a shit about you and your challenges if she doesn’t even know who you are? I think her husband ought to have given her a chance to make that decision for herself. Maybe you and her might have become good friends! Maybe she would leave him for you. Who’s to say?

      As for that DJ, I NEVER could have fallen in love with him. He was so wack. His face was wack, his raps were wack, every thing was WACK.

  8. Ekuba says:

    @ Ohemaa:Honey i reserved an entire comment for you :) To be quite frank, you were the reason why i wrote this thingy. Let me start by saying that i totally relate to what you’re saying. You realize that i didn’t talk about 2 of the men i dated. i think i felt 4 them the same thing u feel for this guy. NOTHING. i was unattached, i wanted to have sex, they were available, so we had sex. i’m not going to say think about his wife (cos i never did & i kno u won’t either) & i’m not going 2 talk abt karma (cos sometimes we do good things & still get bitten in the ass anyway). i won’t tell u th@ a single guy would be betta (cos a single guy may not necessarily be betta, hello! haven’t we all heard stories of girls that were murdered by their jealous SINGLE boyfriends? ) but i’m going to say be honest with yourself and do what is best for you ok?
    i often have a problem with this ‘fuck buddy’ arrangement (whether with a married dude or single guy) cos deep down, few women i know are elated abt having sex with a dude who gives nothing in return. let me explain b4 my women’s lib sistas kill me, lol! of course some women find satisfaction from such an arrangement but most women either eventually end up getting emotionally attached to the guy or if they don’t get attached, deep down, they would rather want to have sex with a hot guy whom they’d love & who’d love them back. if that is how you feel, then u might want to consider another guy who can give u what u want? sometimes too, other things piss u off dating a married man. for me, i got angry abt having 2 call him @ specified times only & being made to put on an act for his wife (hey! no one was putting on an act for my benefit!). i also got angry abt the fact that there was this tender affection that all these men reserved for their wives (and never for me!) & i knew that to protect their wives & kids,these dudes would all gladly stab me with a knife and saunter gallantly back to their cute little families. what’s more, they’d be patted on the back by society for being rocking dudes & i’d be the one who’d get called a homewrecker,whore and all that. that’s why i dumped all their asses!
    Nevertheless O, if you do decide to stay with him, then make sure he’s giving you something else in addition to the sex (i mean he has a wife but gets to do you also, he should pay for it through his nose! ). What do you think O? Hugs and Kisses.

  9. Ekuba, am a pretty open-minded, almost-libertine, and while I applaud your honesty, I don’t approve (apologies if that goes against Malaka’s injunction against judgment) of the scenarios you discuss. In my opinion, your lovers, if their wives don’t know, actively, about your involvement with them, are liars and frauds, and you aid and abet this conduct. I think your justification of your conduct is, let’s say, strange… Malaka has pointed out that your lover’s wife can’t care about you if she doesn’t know you. There are other moral tests we could put your reasoning to – should we steal, even if no one is looking and we can’t be caught? is this truly a victimless course of action? Can husbands really be honestly and truly committed to their homes if they are expending emotional energy and their financial resources on you? Turning the table, would husbands tolerate their wives engaging in the same behavior? Clearly, there is some sexism involved here, i.d. it’s okay for a guy to do this, but not for his wife. I think once folks make a vow to be faithful, the only honorable course of action left to them if they want to engage in infidelity is to tell their spouses. Thanks for your honesty, though… :-)

  10. Ekuba says:

    @ Malaka: hahaha about the Wack DJ whose face,raps etc were all wack! hmm, you make a very interesting and well reasoned point abt the fact that maybe the lover’s wife would care about the mistress if she knew her. what i’m trying to say is that most mistresses reason that they do not owe the wife any duty not to date her man. of course, the counter argument is made for sister hood by some women (feminists included) who believe that each woman should be her sister’s keeper. Counter arguments are also made by some religions like christianity who believe that the mistress owes the wife a moral duty to stay off her husband. but unless a woman subscribes to both schools of thought, she may have no qualms about sleeping with another woman’s husband.
    @ Kofi A: yay! i ‘enticed’ you to write a lengthier comment :) thank you for being honest about applauding my honesty but hating my position. sadly, i don’t have a position on the moral aspect of being a mistress (is not having a position a position in itself?) for the sake of all lovely readers let me emphasize here that I AM NEITHER CONDEMNING NOR CONDONING BEING A MISTRESSES. in fact, all the points i have made in my comments posted here are to stimulate ‘passionate’ debate on the issue (i even play the devil’s advocate sometimes). why do i not have a position on the morality of affairs? i was raised up in a religious group where polygamy was allowed. most of my female friends eventually dated and married men who already had a wife or 2. in essence all of these friends were mistresses before they married the men (and our religion permitted it). I converted and became a methodist where the rule is strictly 1 man 1 wife so being a mistress is abhored. this is why i’m so reluctant to advice any1 based on my particular moral code. every1 appears to have theirs & they tend to vary widely except on certain issues like murder, rape, stealing where most cultures & religions converge. hmmm, about the sexism thingy and married men who have affairs being frauds. i totally hear you! once again, as i said, i virtually have no position on this issue and so all i can tell my dear women out there is the same thing i’ve written above:learn to love yourselves, be honest with yourselves & know that you deserve to be treated as queens! holler back Kofi A! x x

  11. Ekuba says:

    @ Abena: gosh, i skipped right over your comment. i’m sorry i didnt see it earlier.what made u start dating this married man? are you happy? would you like to date a single guy instead? what r your longterm plans so far as relationships are concerned?
    i understand the gals who go into this kind of thing for money. the 1st time i went in2 it was 4 money too. my dad (main bread winner in the house) died and his properties and bank accounts were ‘frozen’ due to some legal matters. i had moved to another city to school there & i had nowhere to live for sometime & my finances were hell!!! anyways, i started a business to get extra money but it could only pay 4 my expensive books & i had 2 go hungry sometimes (& skip meals). imagine how eagerly i fell in2 the arms of 1 of my rich lecturers (very married) who wanted to do me? i can’t tell if i could go back to that time, whether i’d still do what i did or not. i also wanted to say that since u say your religion makes u very uncomfortable about the affair maybe you might consider ending it? finding a hot, eligible single guy would certainly motivate u, what do you think? let the search begin!!! :)

  12. Ekuba, you’ve made your point beautifully. I am quite aware of the extent of the practice in Ghana and elsewhere. I think everything in these arrangements are linked more to men’s current superior earning power. In time, when women are free and able to “buy” men, we’ll see how they will exercise these choices.. :-)

  13. Nana Darkoa says:

    My 2 pesewas worth: I think the person who has sworn vows of fidelity is the one who has the onus to be faithful. But maybe this is speaking from the ‘guilty’ position of someone who has slept with married men before…On the other hand I’ve decided not to sleep with married men anymore cos I know I will feel guilty if his wife ever found out…and yeah, there are enough hot, single men around.

    Maybe I will blog one day about this hot married guy I slept with once. He was hot, entrepreneurial, smart, mentored me on my business…I had a total crush on him. I didn’t even think he liked me until he made a throwaway comment one day about how I was ‘doing things to him with my wiggle’…anyway, that’s a story for the blog on another day :)

  14. Abena says:

    Ekuba its seems there’s a poster on my forehead that says :only married men entertained here!’Seriously,I hardly get young single guys coming up to me,In my late 20’s &they say I’m intimidating to them so its the fearless very married men who gravitate towards me.
    Ofcourse I’m not proud of my ‘day time job’ but for some uncanny reason it bcome very normal to me.(Terrible huh)?
    Yes I would love to date a single,responsible guy who’s got excellent communication skills,great sense of humor and very much matured(I don’t think that too much to ask for ryt)?
    As per my faith &this issue,if they caught whiff of my ‘extra curricular activities’,I wld be toast.Hw33 not funny @ all in that quaters
    Hopefully,2012 gonna be my last,praying for that paa,a girl got to put a stop to it @ a point in tym ryt?
    And I totally agree with Nana Darkoa :’I think the person who has sworn vows of fidelity is the one who has the onus to be faithful’*wink*wink*

  15. Ekuba says:

    @ Nana Darkoa & Abena: hmm, as for you 2 gorgeous ladies with your ‘it’s all the married man’s fault’ mantra. i leave you to Malaka & Kofi Ametewee to DEAL with u :) (M & Kofi A, i know you wont disappoint me)

    @ Nana D: the perv that i am, i’m sooo looking forward to ur blog posting on your sexcapade with the hot married entrepreneur (mmm, just how i love my men!)

    @ Abena: guurrrl! i totally get u on the only married men approach me thing. u sound like a very strong & capable woman. no wonder some dudes say u intimidate them. my very wise mom says that ironically, capable, high-performing women with strong personalities are the most likely to date a married man (or subsequently become a 2nd wife). it’s the reason why both oprah & barbara walters had affairs in their youth & why celebrities who are often seen to be very talented, strong & admirable like alicia keys, gabrielle union & angelina jolie have all had affairs.

    a strong, capable woman often wants a stronger, confident man who can ‘handle’ her. the thing is that most men grow into their confidence. therefore, as a man matures, he’s likely to become more confident because he assumes more roles of authority & acquires responsibilities & these boost his confidence. unfortunately, the more mature a man is, the more likely he is to already be taken. result? if the strong woman doesn’t rein in her feelings for the mature,confident man, an affair ensues.

    from time to time, i meet single dudes with the qualities you mentioned so i’m sure they’re out there somewhere & i hope u find one. charley, i’m not as spiritual as i should be but this one di3, i’ll join my prayers to urs 2 ensure that 2012 ‘b3y3 wafe’ by all means!!! hahaha. meantime, pls make sure that mr. ‘hot & married man’ doesnt take up all of ur time & energy o, so u can have room for ur ideal man when u ‘spot’ him. best wishes!

  16. Ohemaa says:

    Thank you for the responses ladies :D

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