[Max would like your advice. Read the chain of emails between us and let him know your thoughts]
I’m not sure if you recall that the last time I run into you I told you about someone who had expressed a sexual interest in me. Long and short is that we ended up sleeping together a couple of times. She expressed her love for me…I found myself developing serious feelings for her. I happen to be a journal-writer (been one for 25yrs now almost). I guess out of guilt and whatnot, I recorded our escapades, and affair. My girlfriend was uneasy about how I was changing. She read it. Was horrified. Game over. Lost my friend and now re-building trust with my girlfriend, who has forgiven me…Want to know whether I should apologise to my former lover much, much later. She was keen to back down from the intimacy, but I guess I encouraged her. Bottom line is that she and I both deceived my girlfriend. But I still feel bad as she TRULY is a kind-hearted person in so many ways. A good person who did a bad thing. Should I apologise to her in a month’s time even after she has defriended me from Facebook and skype?
Of course I remember this conversation, and thank you for trusting me and sharing these intimate details.
My thoughts are what is done is done. Your girlfriend has forgiven you and decided to give your relationship another chance. As long as you know you want to be with her you should focus all of your attentions on your relationship with her. The other party has defriended you from FB and Skype which gives me the impression that she wants to move on with her life and part of that process is doing her best to forget you…I think you should respect those wishes. She is a fully grown adult (at least I get that impression) so I do not think you should feel that you deceived her into having a relationship with you. We all have to take personal responsibility for our actions so don’t put that additional guilt on your shoulders.
Maintaining friendships with past lovers in this particular type of scenario can be extremely complicated. So for e.g. how do you think your girlfriend will feel if she found out in a month’s time that you had been in touch with this girl? Even if your intention was only to apologise (and I see no need for an apology). Of course as time goes on you may one day be able to maintain a neutral relationship with this woman if you meet her at a conference, party etc but right now it seems that you both need space to move on with your individual lives.
I hope this feedback has been helpful.
This feedback has been very helpful; I seriously do appreciate this.
I know it is time to move on–and I am doing this. I really need to work on diverting my attention. My journal-writing will definitely help me. I honestly do love my girlfriend, and I will not put her through this ever again.
I feel bad precisely because my ex-lover and I declared our love for each other, and agreed that the intimacy must stop but we would cherish our friendship. We were moving slowly as friends when everything blew up.
My girlfriend was only protecting her heart and her turf, and she threatened this ex-lover. She is naturally scared and am sure she has done all the de-friending also to ensure that my girlfriend doesn’t find any info about her–should my girlfriend decide to snoop on me.
It is true what is done is done, and I would feel bad that I would be contacting this ex-lover. However, I also feel that many months down the line, it wd be important to meet my former lover face-to-face, look her in the eye and say : “I have forgiven myself for what happened. I hope you have, too. I have moved on; I know you have, too. Let’s be friends.”
I am happy to have you use this example as an entry; it would be terribly cathartic for me to know how people would handle it. What are people’s experiences? Have they been able to be-friend their former lovers and maintained a good friendship?
Thanks so much for your words of comfort, Nana.
Hope to hear from you soon,