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The Vibe Chronicles

I bought my first B.O.B (battery-operated-boyfriend) when I was nineteen and in my first month of college. My friends and I went to the Red Light District and entered some sleazy sex shop owned by some greasy old man. I was a student and didn’t have a lot of money so I bought a twenty-dollar toy. It was a cheap, plastic, ribbed, purple, straight and relatively small. It smelt like blueberries.

I was still a virgin and didn’t want to insert the vibe because I had been told using it before I had sex would ruin me for real men, as human dicks were far less… versatile. So I only used the toy by putting it on the lowest vibration setting and holding it against my clit till I came.  This brushwork method kept me satisfied and in control of my hormones and left me douchebag-resistant for a few more years.

Then the vibe broke. Before I could buy a new one, I finally found a worthy cherry-popper and started having sex.  Contrary to what I had been told about the shortcomings of the human dick, the real thing made the vibe obsolete. When my relationship became long-distance, my boyfriend and I decided I should get another B.O.B. We walked into the sex shop together and debated size, power, function, safety features, and general “ak)n)ness” until we finally settled on a very well-endowed rabbit-vibrator with rotating beads in the shaft, a thrusting function so the head went in and out like the real thing, and a silicone attachment shaped like a hummingbird that vibrated its beak against your clit while the penis part of the vibe fucked your pussy. It was the Ferrari of vibes at the time and it cost us a pretty penny.

I thought in addition to me using it to tide myself over between our two-week visits it would also be something I could introduce into our lovelife. My boyfriend wasn’t having it. He was a big fan of hearing me use it while we had phone sex. He was turned on watching me use it. But he didn’t want it anywhere near him in a bed. Somehow his dislike for it tainted my opinion of it so I didn’t use it much until we broke up. Then it became my lifeline, my best friend and my religious salvation. I learnt that having something inserted inside you while there were intense vibrations on your clit was a whole new ball game. Praise the Lord. Hallelujah. Masturbation is the way the truth and the light. The vibe kept me sane for two years and helped me get over the ex.

However, once I was ready to get back on the dating market I realized I was a little shy about telling guys I owned a vibrator. Why? Well firstly because they seemed to get overly-excited about the idea of me using one. They leered in a voyeuristic way that made me feel like they were casting me in some solo porno. Secondly my orgasms with the vibe were so amazing I thought I would intimidate any and all potential candidates and, like my ex, no one would allow the vibe in bed with us because they had had a chance to form some preconceived opposition to it.

Chale, I had grown quite attached to the thing and I didn’t want to have to choose.

Now, don’t get me wrong; I prefer sex with a real person because for me sex is an entire experience and all its components satisfy my soul—the guy’s body weight against my frame, the smell of his skin, his mouth on my nipple, his tongue on my neck, my legs wrapped around his shoulders, his tight balls banging against my ass when he fucks me silly etc—it all makes what is happening between his dick and my pussy ten times more intoxicating. Overall, my orgasms with a man are more complete and more satisfying. But I would be remiss if I did not admit that the orgasms with that second vibe did something in the top part of my pussy that I cannot find the words to adequately describe. It was ah-ma-zing!

Now as luck would have it, the first guy I hooked up with as a single gal was not intimidated by the vibe. He loved it and the first time we had sex he actually fucked me with it before he fucked me with his dick. For that alone he was worth keeping; he became my boyfriend. Throughout our relationship I used the vibe a ton for phone and skype sex and even discovered the best of two worlds—him fucking me while I held the vibrating hummingbird part of the vibe against my clit. But alas, no good thing lasts forever. The vibe choked out its last breath. The relationship also started sputtering like it was following in the vibe’s footsteps.

I knew soon it would just be me. Sniffles. So I started doing research on a replacement vibe. (Cos chale, replacement boyfriends are much harder to acquire). This time I went all out and spent half a month’s salary on what was supposed to be the best vibe ever made. It arrived in a classy box with its own special travel bag. It didn’t use batteries and came with a fancy cradle to be charged in like some high-tech phone. It was as smooth as silk and as hard as the real thing and the part for my clit was made of some special material and shaped like a dolphin. It even had a lock and unlock feature so it never came on unexpectedly when it was in your luggage. It smelt like happiness and joy.

The day it arrived in the mail, I jumped up and down like a village kid who has seen Father Christmas for the first time. But alas, this vibe failed to live up to its reputation. After lots and lots of wahala, and lying down in a particular position with it tilted just so, sometimes I would come with it. But it was often not the earth-shattering orgasm the previous vibe had trained me to expect. I tried to go back to that one, scraping my pennies together to purchase another while piteously singing mi yiri dada ei san b3 wari mi, fufr) baay3 nu adie away3 meni anji hu kwraa, mihu riy3 akyire mi, but I couldn’t find it anywhere. The toy had been discontinued!!! God had done me 419. I was vibeless and boyfriendless. And I must tell you: I was frightened for the safety of the men of Ghana. Moreover, after years and years of enjoying the innovative technology of vibrating appendages it had now become very tedious to masturbate with just my hands because my lowly fingers had to do sooo much more work to get me there and the resultant carpal tunnel injuries killed the hotness of the experience. I was in a bit of a panic about what to do. Masturbation had kept me, a-sexually-wired-super-high libido-freak-if-there-ever-was-one, from making stupid mistakes throughout my life. Without it what yawa situations would I find myself in? I didn’t want to find out. Back to the ex I went. He hadn’t wanted to break up in the first place and had been asking to get back together so I told him as a compromise we could be fuck buddies.

What I have discovered, in hooking up with him, is that sometimes my overpriced disappointment of a vibe can get me there if he works me up first. So, incorporated into our still-good and occasionally mindblowing sex life, it is not a total waste of money. But by itself, which is the purpose of a battery-operated-boyfriend, this vibrator is unable to earn its keep. I recognize logically that I need to set it free and do the same with the ex-boyfriend too. I am working on finding the willpower to achieve this by the end of the year. And as such I have a plea: God-of-Orgasms, if you’re out there, please touch the hearts, minds and memories of all your subjects and children on this site and enable them to help me find a toy that will fulfil all my needs according to your glory in Jesus’ name. Adventurers, recommendations and references, please. Help a sister find a B.O.B that can restore the good vibes to her life.

 

And since I can’t leave without a question I wanted to ask:  Guys, why are so many of you so turned on by vibrators in abstract but so scared of the sex toys being incorporated into your sex lives? Are you afraid they will outperform you? Or just weirded out by there being another dick in the room and scared you might enjoy the sensation of it somewhere near your skin and it will all be too homoerotic to handle? C’mon, let VV know. 

About the Author

Published on: 18 April 2013 by in General Issues, Heterosexual, Relationships

has written 13 stories on this site.

36 Comments
  1. Kwei says:

    Hmm, quite interesting. I like the idea of a woman using a vibe because of what it implies: one confident in her sexual desires and uninhibited at fulfilling it. A few month back, I had sex with this lady and while catching my breath ‘interregnum’she flashed out a vibe and switched it on. I liked watching her pleasure herself. She even had me hold it to her pussy. The part I didn’t like was the ‘noise’ LOL.

    • Voluptuous Voltarian says:

      Was it the noise of the vibe you didn’t like? Or the noise the lady was making? I’m assuming it’s the former–it’s one of my pet peeves about vibes as well; the more powerful they are the more of a racket they make. Maybe an idea is to pop in some rhythmic zouk or romantic reggae and let the music drown out the sound?

  2. Malaka says:

    I hope to get an answer to your question VV! I’ve only met one man who welcomed a vibe into his bedroom. He told me his girlfriend called it the cowboy or some western moniker. They tag teamed like wrestlers in a match, he and the Cowboy.
    Why we were discussing vibes at work, I have NO idea…

    • Voluptuous Voltarian says:

      Chale, I want to work at your company! That story should be a recruiting tool. LMAO. The guy sounds like a real riot and my kind of dude. My ex and I used to rock the vibe together and we called his dick blahblahblah and called the vibe blahblahblah J–the J for junior, but this cowboy thing is cracking me the eff up. Tag teaming like wrestlers–that is my dream life, chale. Lord, let me find a man who wants to form a dynamic duo with my vibrator. Please, let both the man and the vibrator be right. Amen!

  3. eBay is the answer to your problems…

    I love knowing that erectile dysfunction of a kind can happen to vibes. Hey Vibes of the World, pop a coupla viagras, kay?

    • Voluptuous Voltarian says:

      You are a terrible man, Mr Kofi Ametewee. Laughing at a crippled vibrator–you obviously have no compassion. Chale, the vibe saw me through thick and thin. It fought the good fight. But eventually the Good Lord called it home, where it is hopefully resting in the bosom of the Creator. The current incompetent vibe well that is another story. Mock it all you like. Though to be technically correct it is suffering less from something like erectile dysfunction and more from something like “big dick can’t use it” or “pretty boy syndrome”–y’know the one where extremely good-looking men have coasted for so long on their looks that they have no skill whatsoever in bed. It’s like the outside glossy package does not match the goods delivered.

  4. Nana Darkoa says:

    Hahahaha. @Kofi’s comment has cracked me up. @VV, I loved this post, especially, “Praise the Lord. Hallelujah. Masturbation is the way the truth and the light”…and may all the church folk say Amen. Hmmm which vibe to go for next. I am working on getting some sex shops to send us vibes to review (Intimate Pleasures I am looking at you), as well as some sex shops abroad…with the shops abroad they are only willing to send toys to addresses in the U.K. and the U.S. which I think is a bit short sighted because they are forgetting that a lot of middle class Africans are also globe trotters and buy vibes when they go abroad, or even ask friends going abroad to buy vibes for them (I’ve done that for friends)…anyway I digress. Personally the Rabbit is still by favourite followed by the Liv…

    • Voluptuous Voltarian says:

      The vibrator that gave up the ghost was a spin-off of the rabbit vibe, and as far as design goes i love that style of vibe. I just haven’t found the right one yet. Cos what I have discovered is that not all rabbit vibes are created equal. There is something about the positioning of the part that goes on the clit that has to be just right to do it for me.

      • Saffron says:

        VV — perhaps you could approach the manufacturer of your favourite vibe and request a custom made vibe e.g. the discontinued model or a new one made to your specifications. If a new model – you could even have a few made and have reviews done and if the reviews are favourable it could hit the market as a brand new model possibly named after you(!) and targetting the African market.

  5. I too loved the line “praise the Lord. Hallelujah. Masturbation is the way the truth and the light”. Lol… So funny. Vibes are complex. The Jessica Rabbit looks painful to me but many swear by it. While, I LOVE the sleek feel, mechanics and look of the new Lelo Gigi. So delicious and can certainly give you a powerful orgasim. @Nana, yes that’s something to consider. Possibilities.

    • Voluptuous Voltarian says:

      I love the Lelo line and really want to own one but I wish they had more offerings as far as rabbit vibes go! As far as I know the only one they have is the Soraya 🙁 and in all the review reading I did before I bought my incompetent Jopen the Soraya did not seem to fully give the rabbit experience.

      I’m intrigued though, what about the Jessica Rabbit looks painful to you? Would love to hear a “rabbitphobe”‘s perspective

      • Voluptuous Voltarian says:

        Oh and I looked up the Ina too but was a little disappointed at the fact that the rabbit part was just a smooth nub. I like me a little “ticklage” from ears or wings or some such contraption 😛

        • @VV have you tried the Pico Bong Kaya rabbit vibe. Try one or have a look and see if its the kind you like. Several years ago, I paid my money and bought a Jessica Rabbit and nearly had a stroke down there. Definately not for me. I like the gentle stroking sensations. All that pinching and prodding of my delicate clitoris is not for me. Just too painful.

  6. Personally I don’t have a problem with vibrators, dildos and butt-plugs during sex, but I think you’ve answered your questions partly.
    One major factor is men are immature by default which is why we don’t like anything which competes with our egos, plus our generally conservative nature here in Africa keeps us within a box, sex should be just between a man and a woman nothing else.

    P.S. Women stop smiling at men are immature by default cos women are insecure by default

    • Saffron says:

      Simply Selorm — honestly, you were doing (almost) okay until you decided to include the P.S. Nah uh!

      Also those statements were such sweeping generalisations and you (should) know generalisations always have exceptions.

      • Simply Selorm says:

        @Saffron I apologise if you feel offended by the P.S. it’s supposed to read men are immature by default as (not cos) women are insecure by default, I believe it all boils down to a matter of perception.

        Everyone knows that there are exceptions to every generalisation; as generalisations, models and theories are all made with assumptions. These assumptions don’t make the generalisations right or wrong, they just create what I see as a reference point.

        • Saffron says:

          Simply Selorm — “Everyone knows that there are exceptions to every generalisation” Not necessarily everyone – again a generalisation :-). Agreed that generalsiations are a reference point but my problems with generalisations is (a) we are too liberal in our use of them and (b) we do not always use them as points of reference but state them as absolutes or represent them as unquestionable logic – this is something I struggle with and caution myself on often.

          “@Saffron I apologise if you feel offended by the P.S.” No offence taken, I was puzzled as to why you had to justify your opinion on men being immature. It seemed to me that your inclusion of the statement on women being insecure was included in order to avoid an (anticipated) attack from and to appease the male populous because you had made a negative comment about men.

          I’ve come across this in work and play, in conversations with female and male friends and various discussions off and on-line. In some cases, when a negative comment about males is made the speaker/writer (male and/or female) follows it up with a negative comment about women often because the backlash from the men (and some women) is immediate and soon spirals into a conversation about how flawed women are (i.e. men are flawed but women are just as flawed if not worse – totally getting off topic and diverting the discussion). In various discussions that I’ve engaged in or eavesdropped on the flaws of women (real or imagined and always generalised) are stated with no justification, reference or comparison to male flaws but when the conversations are about male flaws (again real or imagined and generalised) there’s always a justification, reference, comparison with women’s flaws because if men are flawed, women must (surely) be flawed too.

          I was quite interested in your statement until I read the P.S and then I thought “here we go again! Men may be immature about vibrators during sex but women are insecure about sex, women are insecure about their bodies during sex etc., etc., etc.”

  7. I am a bad man, yes, I am… it’s nice to know that the best-laid vibe dates can come, or maybe not come. 😉

  8. Ellis says:

    It’s my first time on this site and am loving every bit of it. I can’t speak for all guys but l for once can never be intimidated by a B.O.B.
    Outperform? VV please you’re giving it too much credit. Am a real Man. Blessed, tongue and lips to move in full throttle which would make someone through their vibe so hard it that they’ll wonder ………. Come to think of it, are you sure that’s not how your broke your first B.O.B? Lol………..
    Great piece indeed.

    • Voluptuous Voltarian says:

      Ei Ellis,
      You dey rosh oh 🙂

      Make someone throw their vibe paaa? You should put that on your resume. I guarantee you that, like I said earlier, a real man is always better than a B.O.B. However there is something a vibrator on your clit can add to the mix while you are with a real man if he is as involved and interested in using it as you are. My most recent ex was amazing in bed, tongue, lips, hips,dick–the whole package (see earlier posts for proof) but even he sometimes liked to incorporate my vibe into the sex just to give me the best of both worlds. Trust me, it can be a great time for the guy too

  9. Yaw says:

    “It fought the good fight. But eventually the Good Lord called it home, where it is hopefully resting in the bosom of the Creator” Hahahahahahahaha.

    VV, you are the craziest and i love you for that. I have a question that may lead to why some guys do not tolerate sex toys. Why do women use them, is it that they ain’t satisfied or just an addiction? Cos if i satisfy you why will you use a vibrator? I feel ‘someway’ when i am having sex with some women and they insert a finger to play with their clit cos i expect her to tell me what to do to get her there than to add a finger. Which i interpret as indirectly saying you are underperforming besides if she keeps on using the vibrator she might ignore you sometimes/periods when she has satisfied herself or when you really want her cos of her ‘sex mate’.

    • Voluptuous Voltarian says:

      Hey Yaw, I think you ask a question that is on a lot of guys’ minds. At least for me, using a vibe has nothing to do with not being satisfied. Nothing at all. Like I said in the post nothing beats the full experience of sex with a guy for me and in fact when i lost my virginity and experienced “real” sex for the first time I threw my vibe away and didn’t buy another one for three years. The only reason I got that one in the first place was cos i was in a long-distance relationship and having a lot of phone sex and skype sex and my guy and I thought it would be good to have something to use besides my fingers for when we were getting each other off electronically. I didn’t incorporate a vibe into my sex life until my most recent relationship and even then it is relatively rare. The real thing is always best and the vibe is no substitute. That said though, the use of the vibe has nothing to do with the guy’s ability to satisfy me or to “perform.”

      I personally feel like sex should be collaborative and both people should be working on making everyone come. I used to feel that if someone took matters into their own hands (touching themselves or something while we were fucking) it was an insult to my skills in some way. After all, like you said, why couldn’t they just tell me what to do so i could do it? But after a little more experience, I discovered that, for me at least, the best sex happens when every single sensation is maximised and sometimes four hands are just better than two. So if I am stroking my own clit, then the guy’s hand is free to do something that adds even more to the sensation. It doesn’t make him redundant or unnecessary, it just means that he is making the experience even better for me.

      Similarly, I don’t think sex should ever be a bargaining tool or something women/men wield over their partner. So in that sense, I don’t see how a vibrator would make me ignore my lover who really wants me cos I have gotten what I want from a “sex mate.” After all, isn’t being with him about the intimacy and pleasure we share together? Don’t I want it as much as he does? Even if I have just come with my “sex mate” is there something that prevents me from coming again with him? What do I gain from denying myself and him the chance to have an amazing time?

      I think vibrators only lead to women denying men sex when the sex with the men is sub-par and less than satisfying anyway and it is something the woman is only doing to make the man happy or because that is the only sex she can get. Now if that is the problem, then the vibe is not causing the issues with the couples’ sex life; it is only exposing them and forcing the couple to deal with the problem that was already there in the first place.

  10. Vancouver B says:

    Ladies, the easy way out is to make the fun mutually inclusive. I found Vibrating cork rings to be the best solution after a whole month of disappointing premature ejac!!! The bloke gets an average 30 minute hard-on and an A-rated orgasm and the damsel gets her usual vibe job plus real man action. It’s been my saving grace for years…lol

    • Voluptuous Voltarian says:

      Vancouver,
      I like the way you think. I’m all about sex being collaborative and team-oriented and just fun for both parties all the way round.
      I absolutely agree that vibrating cock rings are the best–since I found out about them I have been trying to incorporate them into my sex life. Unfortunately though, what I have found is that the guys I have been with never want to use them, even when they seem to have no problem with using my vibe on me or watching me use it.

      Maybe it’s because they have no ejaculation problems and don’t like the idea of lasting even longer than their usual stamina allows them, maybe it is because they have been very well-endowed and find the sensation of something around their dicks restrictive. I don’t really know, both complaints have been made. Maybe they just find it weird. But unfortunately what I have discovered is that I am yet to find a man who wants to fuck me with a cock ring on. I have purchased several only to find them discreetly thrown away or worn around two fingers and held to my clit during fucking. Being on the guy himself seems to be a no-no. If you can tell me how to convince my dudes to put a cock ring on you will be my favorite person in the universe!

      • Simply Selorm says:

        @VV this isn’t guaranteed to work but if you guys can incorporate a little bit of BDSM. Like play a game with him in which the loser gets to grant the winner what he or she wants sexually, you can get the cock ring on him if you win.

        • Voluptuous Voltarian says:

          Dude, that is a great idea. Great minds think alike. I’ve tried it before In the past. I’ve tried to request the cock ring as part of a winning bet but he just put the cock ring on his finger and held it against my junk while we screwed (very disappointing 🙁 )

          Your advice at least lets me know I was on the right track and once I get a new guy that technique might work with him.

        • Saffron says:

          Simply Selorm — You should write a piece on BDSM!

    • Voluptuous Voltarian says:

      My good man, kindly ask Jesus Christ, our Lord and personal saviour to come into your life! You will be smote (smited?) for mocking the church’s natural fascination with dildos. LOL

  11. Nnenna says:

    VV girl, you are killing me! I swear by the bullet, WA WA WE WAH! But that might be because I don’t like sticking things into myself. It’s powerful and strong and always gets me off.

  12. Yaw says:

    Thanx VV, i must confess sometimes i feel like inviting you out (just the two of us) for some tutorials lol. Well, what have the other ladies got to say about why they use vibes?

  13. kweku says:

    Would you want to try my natural vibe? I bet you will never think of artificial vibes again. My libido is as high as yours so if you do not mind lets meet up. ha ha ha !

  14. Kweku A says:

    Since another Kweku has started commenting on this site henceforth I will refer to myself as Kweku A.

    @VV I find your enteries intriguing and educative. I have never encountered vibes in my sex life but Im willing to learn more about it.

  15. LoisLagos says:

    I was late into the vibrator game…always used my fingers or a male member (with a lover attached). The first boyfriend I tried to introduce my sex toys to hated my vibrators…i even bought a small one especially for us so as not to intimidate him but it didn’t work! Another lover seemed to like watching me use them but he wasn’t very creative with it and needless to say didn’t flow into our sex routine so I got bored. I do look forward to an experience when I have a lover who is happy to use my toys on me/with me…I now have a lovely collection which would be a great addition to sex with a hunk. Until then I suppose I’ll keep enjoying my guaranteed orgasms alone…

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