We think there is a serious lack of relevant and useful information about the sexuality of African women. This blog is a space for African women to share tips, experiences and more...

What Makes You Come?

For the past couple of weeks, I have been asking my friends that particular question during our conversations about sex.

Now, when I ask that question I’m not talking about the act of sex in general. I am talking about triggers, the things that tip a person over the edge—you know, what me and my most-recent ex used to call the ‘Fiiiiniiish Himmmm!’ moves”. (Yes, you have to say it in the Mortal Kombat voice.)

I mean, I think there are some standard erogenous zones as far as human beings go, and, for that reason, there are some pretty universal “Finish him” moves. But in my personal experience as a pleasure-addict—and in the series of conversations I have had with people about their bedroom antics recently—I have started to realize more and more that good sex is far less about the “standard” stuff and more about the fact that everyone has some very particular quirks that make them lose their minds. I have always thought that sexual needs were very diverse but as I grow older I am starting to realize just how varied people’s sexual needs are and how much our individuality as human beings extends to what we like in the bedroom.

Case in point. One of my exes loved to rub his dick against the sheets while he was going down on me so he would only eat me out lying down. He loved it when I squirted in his mouth while he was eating me out and then pulled him up, bit his nipple (the left one), laved it with my tongue and then blew cold air on it. He loved looking at the high arch in my feet during fucking and if he couldn’t see my feet he would change positions/move the pillows or sheets out of the way until he could. He wasn’t super-adventurous as far as positions go but loved fucking in cars and outdoors. He lost his mind when I would take his hand, brush it against the tip of my clit and make him feel how hard and erect it had become. He would shoot his load in a minute if I said, “Fuck me, fuck me, like you paid for me. Fuck me like you don’t care if I come.”  He loved having his neck licked and his collarbone kissed as he fingered me slowly. He got off on a particular fingering technique—first one, then two, then three fingers till his hand was all bunched up cos there was no more space inside me.

Another ex had totally different but just as specific triggers. He used to demand I squeezed him tightly, as tight as humanly possible, in a big bear hug, when he was coming and rake my nails down his back just as he started to shudder.  He loved being kissed really hard and trembled when you sucked his tongue. He would come faster than Superman leaping over a tall building in a single bound if during doggy style I started jerking the right part of my hip in a slow hard grind and then speeding it up with a rhythmic rocking motion whilst looking over my shoulder at him and smiling. He loved sucking on my right tit first and then stopping to take off his trousers while he ordered me to suck it myself while he watched and then coming back once his trousers were off to suck on my left tit and ask me if I liked it better when he did it or when I did it myself. (I bet you guys can guess what his preferred answer was, lol) It would always tip him over the edge if while we were fucking our brains out I asked him “Whose pussy is this?” so he could answer, “It’s mine. It’s mine. It’s my pussy. It’s my pussy.”  Other dirty talk would get him worked up but that particular Q&A would tip him over the edge. Without fail.

It is so fascinating to me how freakishly specific that stuff is! But to be fair, if I think about it, the things that get me off are just as specific.

Interestingly enough, I also realized that as I’ve gotten older the things that make me come have changed. Being teased i.e. being eaten out then fucked then eaten out then fucked then eaten out then fucked so I never get a chance to fully enjoy any one activity and start to beg to be finished off makes me come. Being fucked from behind while I lie on my stomach so I can feel the weight of my guy on my back and his hot breath on my neck and my ear whilst I play with my clit makes me come. Having my lover kiss the curve of my neck, rotate and gently tug on my nipples with his thumb and index finger when I’m on top and riding him with my hips thrust forward and my hand massaging the top of my crotch where it meets my clit makes me come. Lying on my side in a semicircle while my guy kneels on the bed and fucks me, with one hand kneading the curve of my waist and hip and tugging on my waist beads and the other hand squeezing my tits and giving me the occasional hard smack on the ass, makes me come.

My hair being pulled a particular way during doggy style while my guy is grinding slowly into me, saying dirty things into my ear and pausing occasionally to lick a line down my spine is a sure banker. A gentle index finger pushed less than an inch into my ass* while my clit is being suckled and licked creates this pressure in my pussy that makes me come like a fool once the guy rams his dick inside me. Hearing the guy talking dirty and fantasizing out loud about other crazy things he wants to do to me—like trying anal and coming inside my ass*, having a threesome with my hot lesbian friend, directing a porno that I’m the star of etc—whilst I’m riding him reverse cowgirl and occasionally leaning back while he pulls my nipples forwards makes me come. Another interesting but really benign thing that makes me come is holding hands, intertwining fingers and looking deeply into each other eyes while I’m on top and riding him sloooowly. Fucking while still wearing my drenched panties that have been pulled to the side and while the guy is still wearing his boxers and has just pulled his dick out of the hole is also one of my button-pushers.

I mean, in the moment, all I know is that I came and it was awesome. Realizing the components that tip me over the edge is more of a hindsight thing when I’m reliving the amazing sex in my head. Sometimes I even identify a particular trigger when I’m having sex that is less than stellar and I find myself wishing the person would do a, b, or c. Then I realize it is because I have experienced those moves before with great success and I am asking for them to be replicated. I have been told I realize these things because I have lots of sex and am in tune with my body and feelings but I think it is more likely that I realize these things because I am relatively attentive.

I kind of believe that if everyone was to give it some thought they would probably start to know what tips them over the edge and what they like. Am I wrong?

Adventurers, what are your triggers? Please share them in the comments, no matter how unconventional or explicit you might think they are. Also, let me know how easy it is to share these triggers with new lovers? Do you give folks a tutorial or do you wait for them to figure it out and then just dump them if they fail to take the hints after a certain amount of time?

*The “less than an inch” and the “gentle” part are particularly important because once that formula is deviated from I’ve discovered that I don’t enjoy it at all.

*This quirk I find particularly interesting because (as hot as I think slow, consensual anal sex looks in some pornos) the one time I tried to try it he barely got the tip of his dick in before I started convulsing with pain like I was having a stroke and we had to stop. It’s almost like the thought of it is far more arousing than the practice and it makes me feel a little bit like a tease because I will probably always talk about doing it but not actually do it which is a little unfair, abi?

About the Author

has written 11 stories on this site.

26 Comments
  1. Ekuba says:

    First to comment yippee! I think that my tipping point varies depending on the person I’m having sex with just because different people do different things differently. With my current boyfriend, he really knows how to give me head & so the one thing that’s guaranteed to tip me over the edge is if he slowly licks my clit (with a relaxed, very wet tongue) while he moves his finger slowly in & out of my pussy. & also if he talks dirty while he’s thrusting me very hard. I’ve noticed that when he sees me play with myself during sex or suck on my own boobs or when I tell him how much I love his dick & how big it is (he has a good package) , he comes faster

  2. VV… I guess the question to ask is “What doesn’t make you come?”

    Love the post…

    • Voluptuous Voltarian says:

      Oh Kofi,
      I’m shy. I almost feel like you’re accusing me of being some kakapiopio chick with no self-control who just goes around coming all over the place hahaha.

      Ironically, for as much as I enjoy sex, I’m not someone who comes very easily. I have some friends who will come in a few minutes from oral or penetration but sadly I am yet to experience any of this. I’ve only come once from oral and usually require a combination of things to come during penetration (boobs touched, clit teased, dirty talk etc).

      So to answer your question what DOESN’T make me come is chao kwraa. It could actually be a whole article. Maybe that’s why I take so much notice of the things that make me come and try hard to make sure they get implemented 🙂

  3. Nnenna says:

    Girl, my book’s been finished a while now but this is the second time I’ve wondered if we have the same ex (the first one), because it’s based on some of my sex acts.

    • Voluptuous Voltarian says:

      Hey Ms Nnenna,
      That’s so interesting. Hmmm? Now I really can’t wait to read your book and check out the similarities myself. Was your ex American by any chance?

      • Nnenna says:

        No, but he WISHED he was. LOL. I didn’t put it all in the book I must confess because he reads erotica and he doesn’t know I write under this name.

        Being vindictive, he could out me or sue. He sucks.

  4. Orgasm Donor says:

    Lol y’all obviously have Never had Great sex. Smh

    • Voluptuous Voltarian says:

      Orgasm Donor,
      I’m intrigued about what makes you say that? What is your definition of great sex and how are you so sure we’ve never had it?

      Is there something you could teach us or something you would do different? Come out of hiding and share with the group

  5. Apologies to anyone I’ve ever slept with. It could have been my fault, but VV has shown me that I’ve never had good sex before.. No one’s ever asked the “whose pussy is this” question of me.. Very Ali-esque (as in the greatest of all boxers). Or ground a right hip against me… I’m a sexual loser.. Is it too late for you to publish a manual, VV? Please save my life… 😀

    • Voluptuous Voltarian says:

      Kofi,
      Don’t say that. If you thought the sex was good at the time then it was. No manuals necessary. I mean a lot of this stuff happens organically for me, but I think it could also be made to happen. What you get out of sex is what you put into it, abi?

      So, if you would like someone to ask you whose pussy this is so you can feel like Muhammed Ali, throw your hands triumphantly into the air, thrust your dick forward like it’s King Arthur’s Excalibur and say “It’s mine. It’s my pussy. I’m the greatest” 🙂 then set the scene. Next time you’re fucking a woman, tell her how much you’re enjoying it and how you don’t think your dick could respond like this to anyone else. Then tell her she’s going to be unforgettable to your dick now and it’s like she’s staked her claim on it or tattooed her name on it or planted her flag on it or whatever.

      A few minutes later, as you fuck her silly, ask her “Whose dick is this?” You’ve already set the stage for her to answer, “It’s mine” and she will. (If for any reason she doesn’t take the hint and answers “It’s yours, silly. After all it’s attached to your body isn’t it?” or “It’s God’s, after all he created all things” or “I don’t know whose it is. Were you not born with it? Oh my God, did you get a penis transplant as a child?” or something equally asinine, just keep shaking your head and repeating the question and telling her it can’t be for any of those people cos SHE has tattooed her name on it. She will finally give the right answer and say “It’s mine.”) Ask her if she’s sure it’s hers, if she really wants it, blah blah blah. Do this a couple of times and show the Q and A is turning you on. I guarantee as the fucking continues, at some point she’ll take the hint and reciprocate and ask you “Whose pussy is this?”

      In the same vein, if you want a right hip ground against you, just ask. Or, the next time you’re doggy-styling, stop thrusting, tell her to take over the movements and then, once she does, grab her left hip in your hand and hold it steady so she has no choice but to move her right hip. The minute she starts doing it say “Yeah that’s it. That’s my girl. That’s what I was hoping for” or whatever variation of that sentiment is most natural for you to utter and start thrusting upwards so you are grinding against her. As she gets into it, slowly reduce your participation until she is basically winding on your dick. Tell her how beautiful she is and how you love seeing the expressions on her face while you are fucking her and she’ll look over her shoulder at you and smile. Voila: wish fulfilled.

  6. Malaka says:

    I was a late orgasmer. I never had my first sexually induced orgasm until I was 30. The first time I ever came was in my sleep and I dreamt I was shopping with an unlimited credit card in a shoe store. Woke me right out of my sleep!
    I don’t have a trigger per se, but I have discovered that I cannot cum unless I’m riding my husbands face like Paul Revere screaming “The British are coming! The British are coming!” The me too, I also come.

    • Nnenna says:

      PAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHHAHAHHAHAH!!!!! Oh lord. Shoes?! I mean I love, love shoes and I say that I am about to cum when I see a pair I love but I have never had an actual orgasm.

      I come if you look at/touch/lick/suck/finger CORRECTLY my clit (No nail bitches, no teeth neither). Boobs are good and I don’t know about anal because I am saving that for when I am old and my vag has given up.

      • Malaka says:

        Gagagagaaaaa!!! “I am saving that for when I’m old”. Oh gosh. It’s nice to have something to look forward to saving for old age.

        Chaley, yes ooo. SHOES. I am an unabashed shoe whore. There are days I’d rather buy shoes than groceries. I certainly did when I was single and childless. I will never forget the pair that sent me into clitoral spasms. They were gold (but not just any gold!) with spikes on the heel with a red lining. Heaven have mercy. I’m wet just thinking about them now.

  7. RudeBoi says:

    Just got introduced to this blog and I must say…I’m in love, I mean its great to know there are some confident open women out there who are not intimidated about expressing their sexuality. really interesting ways of achieving orgasms though, love ur style of writing VV, no dilly dally

  8. onika says:

    have just come across tjis blog, found it through a link from a skype interview you did published on tumblr. Lately as an African women (still feels weird t call my self women) coming into my 20’s going to uni in the UK its great to have a lot of liberty but ive found myself battling with the aftermath of shame after engaging in any kind of sexual activity. This is partly to do with my upbringing and how it was always perceived be something to abstein from. Now that I’ve finished uni I find I’m beginng my journey as a women and part of that is about embracing my sexual prefrences and being open an comfy with what I like. Its great that this website exists cause I’ve been wondering what are us AW’s alternative views on sex aside from the “abc’s” Aside from that I’m still waiting for that big O, i reckon dirty talk is the key

  9. Lerato says:

    I have a strong internal locus of control and independent streak – its driven the career and life choices I make but there’s something about a man fucking me from behind that sends me over the edge. The relinquishing of control, the headiness of surrender, the feel of the full length of his body weight pressed against me, and his beard tickling my back as he lays whisper- kisses on my shoulders whilst dick-stroking is more than I can bear. I ALWAYS melt into layers upon layers of orgasms.

  10. Edem says:

    Making love to someone am in love with, taking me doggy and holding my waist firmly from behind… Aaaa!! .. It works like magic. infact, the thought is making my clits tremble.

  11. lustfulcocky says:

    Anytime I pull up my gigantic 12inches cocky I have a kinda kakapiopio girl who love to eat my kaboom cock while rubbing on her clitoral and fuck 16 arounds in an hour but now I want to get raid of her because I can’t take it no more, I need some advice because I love sex too and I want it every minute but she love it more than me…

  12. Sir Eddy says:

    hmmmmm…….attacking from behind with my lady lying postrate make me cum really bad…..feeling horny at the thought of it…..

  13. Fred says:

    My wife being on top and doing the dirty talk makes me come faster

  14. Lucy Fox says:

    I cum the hardest when I’m doing reverse cowgirl and riding hard. My husband will wrap his arms around me and pinch my nipple with one hand, pull my hair with the other and bite my neck. I’m a puddle at that point.
    I also like when i’m getting ate out with a small butt plug in and fingered at the same time.
    spanking my vagina will do it too. it ust depends on what mood I’m in and where i want to come on my partner. Their hands? mouth? or crotch?

  15. Greg says:

    I love to have my nipples sucked when she is on top. Guaranteed to make me come….

Leave any Comment or Questions