I am very passionate about issues of Child Sexual Abuse because of my own experiences as a child and also because growing up has not been particularly easy.
What I realized when I finally talked about what had gone on to my “loved” ones, was their reaction to the fact that my abuser was a woman. Their initial disregard of the fact that that can traumatize me as much as if it were a man was worse than the memories I have had to deal with.
I was hurting, confused, angry, bitter and not sure if my attraction to girls was normal or my eagerness to give myself to men just to prove that I can like men. I hadn’t talked of it to anyone.
But when I did talk about it, the feeling right after was regret – I shouldn’t have. Now I do not know if they just did not know how to take it, or were not able to show how they truly felt about it but the truth is I felt no love. What I got was an accusation and a warning to stop blaming my rebellion on something as mild as that…something that happened almost two decades ago. But I needed help. I was having nightmares, I still do. Vivid dreams in which I kill people and I enjoy it. I was near suicidal because the pretense was killing me. Trying to appear normal, to be happy, it was killing me!
Since that day I told them. Not even once, has any of them asked me how I am now. Well if they do I might have to tell them I still like girls, but I like boys too. And that will be another storm at home, so maybe I don’t want them to ask.
Yes I suffered sexual abuse at the hands of a woman. I did not even know it was not normal, what she did to me, till I was old enough to understand. But I am confused. Do I like girls because of what happened? Or I would have been like this even if the abuse had never happened.
The trauma of the abuse is one thing, having to deal with what it does to your psyche is another, but once the abused person comes out to talk, for Christ’s sake, they need to be understood, they need to be loved, hugged, kissed. Cry with me, be angry with me! Then help me heal. Help me understand what is going on with my body, my mind. The emotions…let me share them.
Hmmm…this little thing I’m writing self has got me crying. Truth is I haven’t slept a wink today..its past 4am and I’m here venting somehow. I really want to share this.