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‘Orgasms or Bust’ by Guest Contributor Double Aunt Andre

Top 5 things that run through my mind during sex (if I think them all simultaneously, it’s really bad):

  1. (He is going down on me) Why does this remind me of a carwash every time? They say it’s difficult to find a big woman’s clit but how come I find it so easy by myself?
  2. Don’t put your finger in my ass again; if it is possible for me to predict the exact time you’re going to.
  3. Put me over your lap and spank/massage my ass.
  4. Are you into role play? A little BDSM?  God I hope you are. I am dying to be a sub for someone worthy.
  5. Can we watch gay porn first?

Truth: I have only ever had an orgasm by my own hand. Also, I had mediocre sex for a very long time but that has drastically improved. It is so sad I want to weep all the time. I turn 30 this year and nothing. I love sex so much, I am weeping. How sad is this?  A woman having orgasmless sex in 2015. I know I should speak up more about what I like and don’t like in the bedroom, I know. The other person always seems to have such a good time though! I get off on it.

When faced with almost any Kenyan man, these are very problematic things to say out loud LOL. See the way us women dream about Prince Charming? I dream about King Got-Me-Dickmatized.

That man who will have me swinging my hips as I walk back from the office parking lot with so-obvious sex hair. I want people to gossip. To say how I look stoned and zoned out happy all the time. I want to not give a shit about how the old lady who lives across from me comes to the window immediately my door cracks open. I want to do some irresponsible shit because of sex. Bucket list stuff.

I want to have surprisingly amazing, nasty sex. Problem is, I always expect The King to come ready made. What if I have to teach him stuff? Won’t it lose its meaning then? Will I have to pay for it maybe? (LOL this crossed my mind last night, swear I would). Seriously though, how am I telling a man to instruct me not to wear panties to work? It doesn’t work that way.

Anyone else feel me on this?

P.S : I am bisexual, so if The King happens to be a butch Queen, I wouldn’t mind.

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7 Comments
  1. Nana Darkoa says:

    Oh Chale. I feel for you Aunt Andre. It’s definitely not easy to vocalise what you want in the bedroom…it takes constant practice. What I have found works is to tell the person what you want before s/he gets there. So be as explicit as you want. Try it and let me know it works. My experience is that deep down your partner wants you to have a good time. People just need help on how to get you there. All the best

  2. Malaka says:

    Yes ooo! The only way to get what you want is to tell it, tell it, tell it! Be very vocal. Works for me!

  3. Double AuntAndre says:

    I tried! Then I started laughing at some point because it was so funny hearing my thoughts out loud. LOL. It was worth it though. Bless!

  4. Nyawira says:

    Oh,Aunt Andre.I FEEL YOU,major,on this one.I notice how the other person is having a party..wah!Yet when I tell what I want to have done to me,I end up showing how,too…and they love to watch,lol.I wish they could just get it,from Adam,you know…!Tuko wengi..lol.pole sana though.Let’s hope redemption is close..

  5. Fred says:

    Tell what you want so it will be done for you.na wo br3

  6. Jamie says:

    Buh i wonder y ghanaian gurls are satisfied with mediocre sex. The way sex is seen has made the enjoyment of it unnecessary and “filthy”

    I fyynk a lot of guys need to hav sex therapy and stop serving ladiies with mediocre sex. They deserve it….
    Explore read, study it, like a course in school. And be the bedroom rambo that she wants u to be…

  7. Lois Lagos says:

    Talk, talk, talk. Then show and tell and talk some more. Tell your lover or fling what you want and explore. Own your orgasm, you deserve to have as many as your body is capable of having. I wish I spoke up during casual sexual encounters and even during relationships. I convinced myself that I enjoyed the power of seeing them coming because of my pussy. I lied to myself, I just didn’t know how to tell them what I wanted. Lesson learnt.

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