[Please note this conversation has now been rescheduled to 29th October in solidarity with #MbokodoLead, #NationalShutDown #FeesMustFall]
In an ideal, utopian, feminist world, sex with a feminist will be different, better, more intense, more orgasmic, and just more of all the good stuff that comes with sex – connection, intimacy, fun, laughter, sweat, bodily fluids…you get the picture? And the feminist(s) involved in this act of sexing could be a gender non-conformist, woman, man, trans* person. This act(s) of sex could be solo, with another person, or with two or more persons. Clearly everybody would be consenting enthusiastically and continuously. That’s my idea of a feminist sexual utopia. The reality on the other hand doesn’t quite match up. At least not my reality – not all of the time.
One of my personal underlying reasons for starting ‘Adventures’ was because I wanted African women (including myself) to have more orgasms. Now I know some people will say, “having an orgasm is not important”, or “I don’t need to come in order to have a good time sexually”, or “what’s important to me is the emotional connection”. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I hear you all and I think there is still something to be said for the physical release an orgasm gives you. Enough women’s magazines have written about the benefits of orgasms so I am not going to go into that here. What I would like to talk about (and this is a conversation) is that I think it is actually unfeminist (a made up word but you get my drift) to continuously have sex that is not pleasurable for both or all parties.
For me #SexingWhilstFeminist means you have to do the following:
- Learn to love your body just as it is right now – this is critical in a world that says some types of bodies are the standard of beauty and everything else is not attractive.
- Find out what makes your body feel good and teach your partner how to pleasure you.
- Identify who gets your juices going – are you of a particular sexual orientation, somewhere on a spectrum, free flowing?
- Get tested regularly for sexually transmitted diseases and insist your partners do the same.
- Engage in continuous sexual development – think about it this way, the same way you can always always improve yourself personally and professionally, you can do the same for your sex life.
But all this stuff is easier said than done which is why “Adventures” and our sisters at HOLAA are inviting you to join us via Twitter in conversation on the 29th of October from 3pm GMT onwards. Our handles are @adventurefrom and @HOLAAfrica and we shall be using #SexingWhilstFeminist as our official hashtag for this chat. Share your thoughts with us, and let us know what #SexingWhilstFeminist means to you.