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Another baby?

Next year my boyfriend and I are planning to try for another baby. I have mixed feelings about this. On one hand I see next year, the year that I turn 39, or as one of my friends puts it, “your 40th year on earth” as my last chance to attempt to have a baby. And in the wake of the miscarriage I had earlier this year, I can only think of pregnancy as an attempt. I’m now super aware of how falling pregnant is no guarantee of being able to carry a baby to term or even delivering a baby that is alive. I always knew the path to motherhood was fraught with danger particularly for African women. I knew this not just in terms of statistics: the number of African women who die from maternal mortality etc, but also from women in my immediate close circles. From the friend whose baby died in the final month of pregnancy, and the horror of having to go through labor to deliver a child that you knew you could never hold in your arms, to the couple who have had at least 5 miscarriages. Writing about my own miscarriage brought these stories home to me in ways that I couldn’t have imagined. Women shared with me their own stories: “I’ve had up to 7 failed IVF attempts and miscarriages” one woman told me, “and finally I have my own child”. I don’t know how these women find the strength to keep on trying, I know that I don’t have that kind of strength. And I worry about the spectre of death that hangs over motherhood especially in our parts of the world. That in the attempt to bring forth life, we could very well loose our own life. I worry about our cult of motherhood, that women are somehow seen as less complete when they cannot/do not/want (to) have children. I admire one friend who has decided that she wants to be a mother, but does not see the need to have her own children biological children, and so has adopted children. I have always felt that I would want to adopt, but adoption feels to me like something that can be deferred, that I can do when I’m 50, when I imagine or rather hope that my life would not be as frenetic as it is right now. But biology cannot be postponed, and I really hate biology for this and so many other reasons – for fucking over women, for designing our bodies such that if we do not have children by a certain age we can no longer have children, or that we are more likely to have children who can have conditions like down’s syndrome. I really hate this. As things stand I know I have already ‘medically’ left it too late to have my own child – which is why if I am going to go ahead and do this, 2017 should be the year of the baby making project.

Are you a woman worried about your ability to have children? Are you a woman who has undergone IVF or considering it? Have you ever had a miscarriage? Do you not want children? Share your stories in the comments box and lets chat.

Scan of SB

Scan of SB

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Published on: 21 November 2016 by in General Issues

has written 363 stories on this site.

7 Comments
  1. AM says:

    I lift you up in prayer.

    May the God of Hannah shine His favor and blessings on your womb. Father God, let Aunty Nana carry next years blessings to term. The devil comes to steal, kill and destroy, but YOU Father comes to restore! May all those tears of 2016 be restored to tears of joy.

    40 Lord is just a number in your eyes Lord. The doctors may use the term ‘at risk’, but when you blessed Sarah at 90, clearly that term did not exist in your vocabulary. I cancel all the devils plans in the mighty name of Jesus. Amen.

  2. VancouverB says:

    By my 28th birthday, I had decided that who ever I would end up marrying would have to agree on having no baby. That is, no adoption and no intentional pregnancy. Unfortunately, I never came across any woman with similar aspirations. I therefore settled on the person who agreed to trying for baby only after my graduate degree. Fast forward, 8 months into marriage and i felt hoodwinked when the wife got pregnant. Somehow, the baby didn’t make it and we ended up with an induced abortion driving us to the point of near divorce. Exactly a year later, our minds and body felt ready and we were blessed with a chocolate drenched baby girl. Any regrets, BIG NO! Wish I had met the one with similar aspirations but I’m super proud of the baby we produced. My life is ridiculously different from the one i had planned to have. My life is slower and full of driven purpose but will never know if I would have made more of life than I have now.

  3. Dee says:

    I had a miscarriage in August here in Accra. I was 10 weeks along. On my way home after spending 8 hours at the passport office, I felt something was wrong. A gush of fluid, very sticky liquid. The next day at the ultrasound, i was told there was no baby in the sac. Baby stopped growing after 6 weeks. I was afraid to get a DnC so I decided to let everything happen at home naturally. It took 6 long painful days for everything to pass. Natural miscarriage was more painful than being in labour. Every little piece coming out comes with contractions of back and abdomenal pain. I just found out 2 days ago that I am pregnant again. I wasn’t expecting to be so soon. Nana keep trying, 40 is only a number.

  4. Malaka says:

    I’m proud, scared, hopeful and with you in this. Above all else, I wish only for your health and happiness. May the Lord bless your womb and your life, MASI.

  5. Worlase says:

    I’m proud and hopeful and scared with you, just like Malaka. Giving birth to a child is in deed fraught with dangers but worth it. I discovered late October last year I was 9 weeks pregnant. I was 37 and already had 3 so I wasn’t…. in fact, it was just my fear of surgery that had delayed my getting my tubes tied. Well, I was keeping the baby and tuition trying to get exited about it when at 18 weeks I started bleeding. Threatened abortion. fortunately, baby’s almost 7 months now. But I had to go through 6 months of dealing with post partum cardio myopathy starting 5 days after delivery for no particular reason.

    So all the very best in your journey. Just know that you have a host of us hear who will be standing with you – my hubby inclusive.

    May this be a sweet, beautiful, problem-free journey for you. Good bless you.

  6. Nana Darkoa says:

    Hahahahahaah @VancouverB, I have to confess, I am always amazed/surprised when men say they feel hoodwinked because their wife/girlfriend has fallen pregnant…in most of these cases no one is using contraception so what do guys expect? And why do you leave it to the woman to deal with contraception? I’m sorry to hear the stress of an induced termination almost led your relationship to breakdown – these things can have an impact that none of the parties involved can predict, and so glad to hear that things worked out for you guys, and you’re enjoying the baby you have now.

    @Dee – OMG, I have heard the worst stories about the natural miscarriages, and yours sounds like it was an absolute nightmare. Sending you virtual hugs and healing energies, and all the best for the child you’re carrying now. Keep us posted if you feel able to. Love

    @Malaka – thank you MASI, I love you always

    @Worlase – Had to go off to google ‘post partum cardiomyopathy’ – why is pregnancy so complicated? Sigh. I hope you are fully recovered. And I am so touched to know that I have folks like you and your hubby rooting for me. I really appreciate the Adventures community. Much love

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