Home Creative Non Fiction Don’t sex the ex: Nana D’s rules for breaking up and staying...

Don’t sex the ex: Nana D’s rules for breaking up and staying apart

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llustration of a woman beckoning her man to join her in bed

Just over two months ago, my three-year-old relationship came to an end. Or more accurately, I ended the partnership I had been in. It wasn’t an easy decision to make. We had been planning a future together, we had been actively trying to make a baby, and we were planning to move to Nairobi with our baby in 2020. And then he said something to upset me over whatsapp, something that triggered my long held insecurities over our relationship. Whether this relationship was really right for me, whether he deserved better than what I was offering, and my answers were ‘No, I don’t think this is the right relationship for me anymore’, and ‘absolutely, he deserves better’.

Break ups are hard. They are so darn hard. I wish they could somehow be more easy…a mutual drifting away, a recognition that this is no longer working as it should, or that it could be better somehow for both of us. But somehow I have never experienced those kinds of breakups. Mine always seem to always involve a lot of pain, and guilt.

So how does one move on when they find that somehow a relationship is no longer working for them? My rules are:

  • No regrets – if I have an anthem that’s it! Don’t regret anything you chose to do consciously. When a relationship comes to an end value the time you spent with the person, no matter how long or short a period it was.
  • Hold on to the happy memories – you won’t find me deleting happy pictures of my ex and I from my Instagram. On the contrary, I sometimes look at these images and smile at the happy memories we shared. Yes, it sometimes makes me feel a pang of sadness for what we no longer have but that too is part of life. Of course this may not work for everyone. For some people moving on may mean deleting pictures of them and their ex.
  • Don’t sex the ex – I learnt this experientially. When my first significant relationship ended I would occasionally sleep with my ex. We would plan to have dinner together, and end up in bed. He would pick me up from the airport because I didn’t have a car, and then we would pass by his house and have sex. Needless to say this was very unhealthy, and made him think we would end up back together. I on the other hand was quite sure I didn’t want to get back into a relationship with him. Eventually we had to stop seeing each other all together.

 

As hard as break ups are in the moment, one gets better in time. I remember thinking around the time of my separation from my ex husband, ‘this is the worst period in my life. If I can get through this I can get through anything’. And I did get through that difficult time, and I draw upon those memories whenever I am going through a difficult time to remind myself that, ‘this too shall pass’.

 

What are your break up stories? How have you ended relationships that were no longer right for you? What are your dos and don’ts when you find that love no longer lives here. Share in the comments or email your stories to adventuresfrom[at]gmail[dot]com

13 COMMENTS

  1. Sound advice, on the other hand, if you’re like me and not quick off the mark, exes might be the only available options.. 😛

  2. @Saffron & Lace – thanks hun, much appreciated

    @Kofi – Looooollll, I actually want to write another blog post about ‘sexing the ex’ – but this time basically recycling to older exes cos somehow a girl needs to get her needs met

  3. Relationships are difficult and ending them are draining. I agree 100% that you shouldn’t have sex with an ex. He will often treat you like the side chic and become disrespectful towards you. It’s always better to cut all ties and start fresh. Plus, women really have to understand that our youth can’t be wasted on could of, should of and wasn’t relationships. Men can piss at time and roll over and die!!! Women need to invest on viable relationships and let destiny sort itself out while you live!

  4. I would say sleeping with an ex will depend on how the breakup happened or how we parted. If it is amicable and opportunity arises and the sex was always good, why not. If the break up was painful, I would say a big NO. Life is too short to waste good emotions.

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