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Fantasising: Sick or not?

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My last post has had one of the fewest responses ever…it took over a week to get a second comment (and what a great comment that was). I was speaking to Mr L during the week and I said to him:

Hardly anyone has commented on my last blog about women’s fantasies, I wonder why

and he said

Either their fantasies are too sick or they are scared they will be found out”.

This raised several questions in my mind:

  • What kinds of fantasies are too sick to be written down?
  • Isn’t that the whole point of fantasising, to be as sick as you want?
  • What are sick fantasies?
  • Do your fantasies have to come true?
  • Are your fantasies not as enjoyable once they become reality?
  • Do you have any fantasties?

Your thoughts?

Nana Darkoa

45 COMMENTS

  1. Nana,

    Thanks for the welcome.

    Here’s what I think: African women are the most repressed sexuallly, basically because we are either seen as hypersexual (by non-Black men) and then for the most part, we are seen as ‘receptacles’ by our own men.

    So, if we are with the non-blacks, we are usually in a position where we are fulfilling their fantasies and we may act in a way that has nothing to do with how we want to feel, what we want to experience sexually etc. We may just be fulfilling their fetish and act accordingly…

    With most of our own men, it’s about him, his orgasm, his pleasure… (at least with ‘typical’ African men). My Tanzanian friend’s mom was telling us how her husband’s idea of foreplay while they are in bed is to tell her ‘turn around and face me’.

    So, how on earth are we supposed to find a safe ground to just experience ourselves, to say this is who i am, this is what I want etc? You feel me? it’s like we’re already boxed in by both sides…. (I hope that makes sense)

    About sick fantasies:

    Well, as an African (eastern one) I think for me, anything that involves animals or multiple men or children (or faeces/pee etc) would be sick.

    And I’m too jealous to allow another woman into the picture 🙂

    My fantasies are pretty run of the mill. I love talking dirty and drove my ex insane with that. He was one of those nice African ‘holy joes’ who’d wanted to become a priest!

  2. I think I’m one of those repressed people. LOL

    Although I just found this blog yesterday, I wouldn’t have commented for a couple reasons:

    1) I’m not quite comfortable discussing this topic in a public forum. Even among friends, I don’t really discuss my personal experience as much as talking in general. However, whomever I’m in a relationship with… that’s another story.

    2) I don’t really have any outrageous fantasies. Idris Elba or some other handsome chocolate man. LOL No women. Possibly food… but nothing worth commenting about. Nothing that would be considered “sick.”

    I agree with the above commenter… sick = socially deviant. But perhaps people didn’t really talk because they felt it might be too graphic (not sick, but detailed).

    To answer the other questions, none of my fantasies have become reality. LOL Do any of you know Idris? But that’s also because I’ve been abstinent for a few…well, several…years now.

  3. I don’t know about other people, but I don’t have a single, recurrent fantasy that I could narrate. I depends on my mood, the time of day and what I’ve seen/heard/tasted recently.
    I have to say though, my fantasies always involve me being a lot thinner than I am at the moment…and I think that’s a problem I need to fix!

  4. Hehehe…Idris Elba? Ah girl.. you need to get with the Chiwetel Ejiofor train. Or you prefer them much darker? LOL ok ok Djimon Hounsou??

    Anyway its a complex topic but I think women like to pretend.. but only becos soceity is quick to judge, label and form opinions based on ones sexuality/ level of sexual freedom.

  5. Hi Bijou – I agree with you that the sexuality of African women is often misrepresented – hopefully we are starting in a small way to change some of those misconception on this blog. I’m curious did your “dirty” talk drive your ex insane with pleasure or insane in a negative sense?

    Hey lovelylind – you are making me laugh!I feel you on fantasising about food. Mmm, chocolate cake…perhaps on a chocolate man :)I don’t know who Idris Elba is though…I am very interested in the subject of abstinence. How does one negotiate sexuality in the context of abstinence?

    Hi Asabea – Ditto to fantasising about being thinner. I remember being thinner though and thinking “I am actually not happier”. I used to think before that I will be sooo happy when I’m slim and I wasn’t. I am happy now though…and curvy to boot!

    Hiya Brown Angel – Hmm, women like to pretend? Is that true ladies?

    Nana Darkoa

  6. @Nana,

    🙂

    It drove him insane with pleasure. I love to talk dirty like I said, and since he was a typical ‘nerdy’ African guy, all the raw stuff I said would send him into total frenzy. Moaning, simpering etc.

    I don’t think he ever thought those kinds of words could come out of an African girls mouth…

    Also the fact that I took charge during sex. I’d order him around and make him do this or that, and I’d make him beg.

    It was really strange seeing him so serious and upright when we were out in public, but the minute we were being intimate, he ceded all control… It was good, though he was too retro in the sense that he didn’t know how to excite me (without my prompting). I realised that some men sort of give up on trying to please a woman when they think that sexually, she’s out of their league. He began to just lean back and expect me to do everything and that made it time to go (but there were other factors).

    I don’t know, maybe some men can’t handle a sexually aggressive/assertive African woman?

    For me, I need a man that’s as assertive as I am. But I’m the dominant one sexually…

  7. Just had to add this:

    Also, I love lingerie, and I especially love ‘nasty’ lingerie
    🙂

    The crotchless kind with the nipples popping through the bra… I think that drove my ex even wilder.

    Sometimes I think African men are in the same repressed position we are. They have this idea of marrying a ‘good’ girl who wears those big panties and is ready for missionary position. The kind of girl that they can present to their mother… Or at least one who will leave them with the feeling (in the back of their minds) that she is ‘respectable’ and ‘decent’.

    But maybe what they really need is a decent African girl with crotchless panties.

    Though my ex was turned on by my antics and lingerie, he was horrified when I said i wanted to try a vibrator/dildo and that I wanted him to use it on me.

    He actually felt that his manhood was threatened and told me no because ‘vibrators don’t get tired’ and that using one with me would give him no excitement!

    I have to find a good respectable open-minded African man who is into MY excitement. 🙂

  8. You don’t know who Idris Elba is? Only the dreamiest man ever! 🙂 Google him… he’s half Sierra Leone and half Ghanaian… And to answer Brown Angel, yes… I like darker men, but I’ll take Chiwetel, too. LOL

    As far as your question, Nana, I really do not know the answer. I’ve been abstinent for years, but I’ve also not had a serious boyfriend, either. I understand sexuality encompasses more than just sex, but I think I may need more specifics. It’s late and my brain is off now. lol

  9. For the longest time I was part of the “anything but” club, claiming abstinence but always within a hair’s breadth (often literally) of doing the deed. I’m glad I let go of that pretense.

  10. @ Nana. It would be nice if you would do a post about abstinence. I believe that abstinence as a personal choice (out of freewill, not guilt or pressure) is a big part of sexuality too. And I was hoping you’d write about that.
    Most of the time, the sexual revolution talks about how are free to have sex, and while that is true, I often wonder, what about people like me, who because of personal, religious, or whatever reason have decided to abstain (OF OUR OWN FREE WILL) – what about us? do we not count? just a thot.

  11. hi. me again – I was talking about abstinence, but unlike Shane (total abstinence – no masturbation, porn, or anything else that can be consrtrued as sexual.

  12. I can’t speak for others but I think I am reluctant to share my fantasies in a public forum because it is the very intimacy of fantasies that makes them so delicious.

    But I would have to say girl on girl action. I dream about it sometimes (do women have wet dreams?) and at first I thought that meant I was a lesbian until I read an older post of yours where you said women’s sexuality isn’t really defined the way men’s is (I feel like the end of this sentence is grammatically funny…hmm).

    I can’t believe I just shared my fantasy with a bunch of (very insightful) people that I don’t know. I tell my boyfriend about it sometimes and he’s ok with it as long as it remains a fantasy…sigh. The farthest I can go for him is to kiss a girl on the lips and only a very small “innocent” kiss. Lol. How do men feel about their partners and girl-on-girl action?

  13. Bijou, I think we need a post from you on how to take control in the bedroom! Let me know if you are interested. Yep I have also realised talking dirty does a lot for guys. I am not sure if it does that much for me though and beyond a few stock phrases I never know what to say. I think all men need to get on board with having a vibrator in bed … guys you can think of it as a threesome but with a vibrator 🙂

    Lovelylind – I googled Idris Elba and Mmmm, I won’t kick him out of my bed…I think of sexuality as pleasureable stimulation of the senses – touch, taste, sight. I shall look for/think of a proper definition and update you later

    Shane – Thanks for sharing. As you can tell you have stimulated an interest in abstinence and sexuality which leads me on to…

    Anon – Abena and I were discussing via FB your request for a post on abstinence…stay tuned

    Anon 2 (I am assuming this is a different anon?)That’s very useful insight on the intimacy of fantasties. I suspect that most women’s fantasy is girl on girl…(of course I may be wrong)

  14. Nana,

    Sure! Whenever you are ready, I’m ready. I don’t know how to email you, but you can contact me through my email which probably appears in your dashboard when I post.

    And thanks so much!

  15. @anon talking abstinence in total, i guess that means you have to migrate to some island where it’s only you and even so you would have to stand few more tests! else i wonder how much you would achieve with that ‘totalitarian’ cos you have to see your own ‘cuchy’, touch it some and so own! when in the bath?

    i’m just wondering how you can achieve that kind of total abstinence! and if you do have dreams which you recall then surely you mind must play on you once in a while! a lot of the movies that come these days involve at least one kiss!

    enjoy cos i’m enjoying you!

  16. Alright, so i sometimes comment on the posts but usually anonymously because after my very first comments one of my friends asked me how i could talk abt sex so openly and that kind of gave me a reality check and sent me into hiding:)

    If i were to talk abt my sexual fantasies, ehrm, i’d probably come accross as a really bad girl. lol. I have the sick ones…not the mild ones like say kissing a girl. lol. So how can i tell them. Maybe i’ll log on anonymously and post except now that i’ve said that everyone will know its me so there goes that.

    Someone asked me this question when I wanted to talk abt something sex-related…why do you need to share something so private with the whole world? For that person, it’s okay to have your fantasies but must everyone know about them, and what benefit do you derive from that?

  17. Bijou – you can email me at adventuresfrom[at)]gmail.com
    I retain the right to edit, accept or reject any posts…I doubt if I will have the need to do either so really excited and looking forward to your contribution

    Novisi – So you’re not a fan of abstinence then? 🙂

    Esi – …and I thought you had stopped reading/commenting. Glad to know you are still tuned in. Will wait for those sick fantasties:) Go on girl!

  18. Perhaps it has certain voyeuristic payoffs to talk about your most private thoughts in a public forum of complete strangers.

    I’m firmly on the girl-on-girl band wagon (menage a trois(s) occur less often) and I have to say, I have been worried lately that I might be lesbian (‘worried’ because Catholic…and I s’pose ‘unliberated’…hmm). So it’s interesting to discover that others have similar experiences. Out of curiousity Nana, do you ever wonder as to your sexuality?

    For a bit of perspective, a good-ole male rutting daydream gets me off just as well, but my fantasies do seem to feel more exciting when my faceless lover is female. Problem is I mostly run out of things to do with her much sooner than I care for. And also I feel soo damned guilty about it afterwards.

    My fantasies rearly feature actual people in my life, it maybe some actor from a movie (Stacey Ann Chin, Jennifer Connelly, Taye Diggs have all been frequent participants) and even more often my companion is faceless.

  19. Anon – Are you trying to drag me out of the closet on my own blog? Lol! On a more serious note, I consider myself to be heterosexual. I believe we choose our sexuality (I know millions disagree with me)and life is hard enough as a black, African (Ghanaian) woman.

    I share your girl on girl fantasties though 🙂

    Nana Darkoa

  20. I love this blog! Just discovered it via Esi’s one, thanks all around!!!

    I do think African women are repressed, which is a shame. I think we are often repressed (as some1 mentioned b4) by our men. I think many African men find it threatening when their women show excitement and aggression in bed. But those are the times I have the most fun and THE BEST orgasms!

    I think when you are comfortable enough with your partner there is nothing better than airing your fantasies. I don’t have the girl-on-girl or menage trois one’s but plenty of others. Voyeurism and dirty talk all the way! All my fantasies involve the threat of being caught, the larger the threat the better

    I recently fantasied about breaking into my local bed…shop(?) and having sex on the main display bed in the front window, on the main road while the alarms were going off….mmmmm, I stood outside that shop 4 ages!!! Am I boring? But that really does it for me. Crotchless underwear etc, I can definitely understand all that or going around commando with no1 knowing then randomly straddling your guy in the park, on the bus and no1 necessicarily knows, hehehehe, mmmmmmmmmmm

  21. @@Nsoromma – just re-reading this post and imagining someone breaking into a bed shop and going at it full pelt – lol, that will be a good scene in a movie

  22. As a guy, I think fantasies can have no boundaries. Reality is another story. In reality there are laws to abide by. My fantasies run the gamut of everthing from animals to crossdressing to children but reality rules my life and I would never ever do anything that might land me in jail where I might become someones bitch.

  23. Well, I guess I do qualify to be in the sick section but its really not that bad when everyone thinks about it. I tend to be a bit aggressive and so far, my ex’s enjoy that a lot. Choking while penetrating is on top of the list. I am not talking about trying to squeeze the life out of someone but a gentle, firm choke can be such a turn on. Another is playing with and licking the asshole. I am a guy and love it being done to me and viceversa. Another is my back being scratched and leaving marks.

    Disclaimer: Wine is usually a culprit..

  24. @Nana, another namesake – Interestingly I have had two people recently share similar fantasties with me recently. I guess they are not fantasties though because they act on it ( like you do) and their partners are cool with it. I guess my concern with asphixation as part of sex is that I am always (okay, obiously not always) hearing about some celebrity who died as a result. To be fair I think all those celebrities were also drug addicts so did not realise when they were going to far. What do you think? How you determine when squeezing becomes dangerous and not so much of a thrill.

    Charle, some of us are obviously missing out on the joys of the arsehole …

  25. Well Nana, I agree with the bad judgements of celebrities and going to far when on drugs. I think when the hot moans turns to coughing and gaging, its time to ease up and just nibble.

    I dey tell you, the arsehole is a very delicate unexplored area especially by guys because of the gay stigma.

  26. I ADORE THIS BLOG, just stumbled upon it but i can already tell that i will become a regular visitor, i believe i am a repressed African woman, but i’m working on accepting my sexuality as a fundamental part of me, in that light i would have to say that most of my fantasies revolve around girl on girl and had i been born anywhere but Ghana i strongly believe i would be full on lesbian as it is i’m bi-sexual

  27. Fantasies oh fantasies. The repressed African woman has oh so many fantasies. Considering that I am of the opinion that sexuality is fluid and I believe that, at some point in our lives, we CHOOSE to be heterosexual or homosexual based on our life experiences and circumstance, I can honestly say that though I have never pursued a relationship with a woman, I cannot reach orgasm without fantasizing about a woman. I don’t know why!! Whenever I start off with my boyfriend’s/lover’s face and body somehow, he just becomes excessivley feminine. I don’t like labels so whatever that means is still up for grabs.

    I had a thought though, to the anonymous lady who chooses abstinence out of free will, while i value and respect your celibacy, I think that maybe you may not have fantasies or have any sexual inclinations because your religious views have made you become asexual. Religion does that to you. It has the tendency to instill a sense of fear and guilt that makes you condition your mind towards asexuality. People would rather numb themselves to it than admit that they do have sexual desires.. That may not be the case with you, but a lot of people I’ve met that express the ideas that you do, have admitted to that being the case. Recent discovere of the blog so comments are a tad late 🙂

  28. @Anon – Hmmm, interesting contribution. I’m curious as to whether your boyfriend is aware of your particular fantasies or whether you would consider sharing them with him or another lover?

  29. @Anon – Hmmm, interesting contribution. I’m curious as to whether your boyfriend is aware of your particular fantasies or whether you would consider sharing them with him or another lover?

  30. Nana! Chale, you be bold oh! Small question: why do your dates keep changing like the Ghanaian weather? You replied in Oct 2009 to a post dated March 2010???

    Now on to the crux:

    1. FANTASIES — I stopped having fantasies when I hit my twenties. At least fantasies of celebrities. My best were of CELINE DION and JULIA ROBERTS. How I had the HOTS for them. Was too much. Too much!!

    If I ever have had fantasies, it has been of, erm, a few married women, and one colleague. There’s a colleague at work who is married with three kids. She’s only 41 this yr, but you would think she’s in her 30s: she is STILL hot, a very strong and assertive woman and downright sexy. For two years running, I had a HUGE crush on her…I got over it.

    Then there was a friend who passed away in 2006 (may she RIP), who was a talented teacher at Morning Star. We got on extremely well, considering she was a married woman…who happened to text me EVERY day to wish me a good day/good evening/who chatted with me on hotmail regularly. She was such a beauty and considering how beautiful and slim she was, I never understood why she liked me as a big guy…I used to fantasize about making out with her, till I got over it, as realised it was not just bad and immoral, but not going to happen anytime soon. To this day, I still am convinced I loved this married woman, which was odd, considering how I was dating my current gf too!!

    There’s a very good, married friend who expressed an interest in how good I looked, back in 2005, days before she explained she was married!! There’s a bit of me that would love to do naughty things with her even though she has two cute, young kids! Thankfully, she’s very devoted to her husband! As for my single, female friends, and my ex, well, occasionally, I get flashes of how lovely it would be to engage in some prurient action!

    Only occasionally!

    2. SEX-WISE: my gf used to be more assertive; off-late, I’ve had to take the reins. I think she gets a bit tired more easily these days…so less of the romping. Oh well…

  31. @EKB Jr – Why am i bold ooo? EK – the post was written in March 09 which explains why some of the comments are in October 09. I tend to respond as and when people comment and sometimes people respond to a post months after it has written, especially if it is one of the topics highlighted on the home page because of the number of comments on the post. Case in point, yourself 🙂 hmm, interesting that most of your fantasies are of ‘unattainable’ people. I shall resist the temptation to pseudo psychoanalyze. Cheers for sharing!

  32. I’m a woman in college and my fantasies MOST DEFINITELY include another woman. I have a strong desire to F*CK another woman with a strap-on 🙂

    I honestly want to feel the sensation of penetrating another female with some sort of ‘limb’ potruding from my middle, and of pumping into her while still having my hands free to do other things.. oh the GLORY!

    I don’t self-identify as gay/lesbian, I still love the companionship and touch of a man, but I really want to accomplish this before I settle down.

    I also have fantasies of intense doggy style with a man, while I have sex with a woman with my strap-on at the same time 🙂 Will work if we keep good rhythm,no? LOL I suppose this makes me certifiably nasty and qualifies me a bi-sexual! Oh well.. those are my SICK fantasies.. you asked.

    Also, the form above doesn’t publicize e-mail addresses does it? But I’d really love to hear from females who feel similarly! I know I’m not weird. colormesublime[at]gmail.com =D

  33. @Piscean – i’m of the opinion that you don’t have to “self-identify” as anything, just feel free to do what you want with who you want when you want and don’t worry about labels. you’re definitely not weird and your fantasies are not sick or nasty, just hot 🙂

  34. hi Nana, I love this blog…
    i don’t know if i agree that most African women are repressed. I think we are all just good pretenders.
    I love to fantasize, done it since i was very young and i have fantasized about everything from animals to girl on girl action to shemales…I don’t normally talk about the really crazy fantasies to my partner…just the normal ones like threesomes etc.
    Are there sick fantasies? I dont think so; anything goes in fantasy land.
    Should fantasies come true? …a few of mine have, outdoor sex, girl-on-girl, i’m currently working to get the threesome done, then i can marry…lol

    • Oh did I say most African women are repressed? I think some are definitely repressed – but some are the freakiest people I know. I think its interesting which fantasies we choose to share with our partners and yes I think most people feel more comfortable sharing the ‘safe’ fantasties. I also got that impression from Nancy Friday’s ‘My Secret Garden’…let me know how your threesome fantasy turned reality (if it ever becomes reality) works out. I accept and totally appreciate guest contributions.

  35. I am loving this! I must say miss Bijou is the girl of my dream ,, I am very open sexually and my mind is my own limit.I enjoy a woman who is not worried about going the distance as in they are almost open to anything! And to an extent women some women are repressed to a point that they feel like they are being watched,,,i have dated some women who fear doing certain things cause they feel like they are being seen by unseen being,,, my girl friend does fantasize about the strangest things and that turns me one we do share our fantasies so we both freaks i guess but our sex lifre in my opinion is the best cause it open! i would love to have u Nana as a guest on my show ,,,, u wud be a great source of controversy!! Mui perfecto!! lol

  36. We ‘ve all had our fair share of fantasies….some are wild others are not. i believe some fantasies are best left as fantasies, cos once they become real, we might get disappointed.
    @EKB Jr…… you didn’t add Angela Jolie or you still afraid of Brad Pitt.

  37. @Abby C–Ofcourse Angelina Jolie, but after watching “Mr and Mrs.Smith” a while back, don’t like my chances toying with Brad Pitt’s ever-so-hot wife!;-)) Oh yeah: ASHLEY JUDD!! Drop-dead babe…I got over her in 2003 though.

  38. I get confused. I thought fantasies were just that. Fantasies may not nessarily have anything to do with actual desire. It is simply a mental stimulation. To tread lightly, wanting to show no disrespect to anyone here, some women will actually fantasize about rape. Yet I doubt that this is something which a woman would sort after. The translation is not having control or being dominated. maybe being with a stranger. But the fantasy is not an intended goal.

    I’m not sure what the correct categorizing is, but the use of the word fantasy to describe an actual objective is wrong (in my opinion). If a fantasy was an actual objective, then once it was accomplished the fantasy would no longer exist.

    I have had some discussions with some women and they have told me that they have no fantasies. They have done everything they have ever fantasized about. Isn’t this sad? One should have fantasies. metal stimulation. I’m not sure they should be shared because people tend to judge others based on their fantasies.

    I’m not sure I have expressed myself properly.

  39. @bijou and piscean really enjoy reading ur posts.

    i dont know if men are allowed to comment but i do have a lot of interactions with african ladies, and i really encounter much hesitance when i try to get one to speak abt their fantasies. i dont so much think its repression u will be suprised how much an african girl will express herself when she is sure “its allowed” and that she wont be judged or seen as a “shashi wowo” or a spoilt woman. where i will agree with repression is when one hardly employs her imagination when it comes to sex…..one lady “said my fantasy is to have sex with someone i love”. i mean thats as sick as it can get. lol. in other instances they do have some cool fantasies but all in all i think averagely most women fantasize abt same sex fucking. i love to talk dirty and plain…and i found it soo difficult getting this girl on my bbm to talk dirty till she all of a sudden lightened up when i told her i had fucked a guy before as well as have been fucked in my ass before. but in all i think given the ‘right atmosphere” most ladies may freely talk….

    i have a few fantasies myself:
    1. to fuck in a public transport whiles travelling at night and all are asleep. so i always pick the seats next to the hottest girl in the bus. lol

    2. to have a bj at silverbird during a movie

    3. to be chained and fucked by three women. with strapon etc.

    4. to have cyber sex with a celebrity, J App.

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