Home Sex education Confidence is the Key to Great Sex

Confidence is the Key to Great Sex


I’m fairly willing to bet that if you ask the majority of mature women what makes for great sex, they’d say it all boils down to confidence. I haven’t read any studies on that theory or conducted an extensive poll supported that idea, but in speaking to women my age at least (those in their 30’s), they would say confidence is key to having really good sex.

A woman’s confidence (ideally) comes from what she defines as success. Whether that be in her physique, her social standing, her education, her personal achievements or all of the above, a woman will make a better lover if she feels strong in who she is as an individual. I suppose one of the best places to look for the merits in this statement is in the bedrooms of sexually dissatisfied women all across the continent and the Diaspora. Whether a woman is married or not, her performance as a lover will clearly show her mate how she feels about herself and their relationship. If there is no passion when they kiss, and she has rehearsed how to arch her back to feign pleasure, there is a strong indication that something is really wrong…with her. It’s one thing to instruct your partner where to touch you or how fast/soft/hard to stroke you to arouse you, and it’s quite another to take charge of your own pleasure experience because you are confident as a woman. What am I really saying? Metaphorically, if my vagina were a shop and my man was looking for service, I could open up the store but the service is going to suck if I’m not confident in the worth of the shop or worse, don’t even want him to be there in the first place. The experience is not going to be thrilling at all. Honestly, if a cheating man is married to a shirking violet, I think it is a big reason as to why he’s cheating. There is nothing sexier than a woman who holds her head up high and walks and speaks with authority. It’s intimidating to a lot of men, but it’s even more attractive and it almost always translates into the bedroom.

The reason I say a woman should define her own success is because if her feeling of self worth and empowerment comes from her mate, it can easily be taken away. I appreciate it when my husband tells me how sexy or beautiful he thinks I am, but it doesn’t hold a candle to how I feel when I look in the mirror and say “Damn girl! You are smoking today!” and truly feel confident in it. For my own part, I am a better lover when I feel desirable and know that I am desired as well.

I think there is a reason that women reach their sexual peak at 30 and men do at 16. I think overwhelmingly for men, it’s the mechanics of sex that is the point of the whole encounter: The insertion, friction, and finally a climax. For a woman, I think it’s a more holistic experience, rather than mechanical. We experience a range of emotions during lovemaking, be it insecurity or power, lust or love, apprehension or abandon. When a woman turns 30, she is usually more in tune with who she is as a person and can be a better lover.

If you’re having great sex or wack sex, tell me if I’ve missed the mark with my theory on effects confidence. I’d love to hear why!


  1. Personally, confident women turn me on. Love ’em! When that confidence comes with them to the bedroom, great things happen.
    I buy your theory that explains why gals peak sexually later in life compared to guys. I’m interested in what the ladies have to say.

    You are on a roll with multiple posts. Nice one!

  2. @ Abena – I totally agree that Confidence is the key to great sex. I think the other vital key is a compatible partner. You can be as confident as heck but when you are not in sync with your partner the magic doesn’t quite happen.

    I disagree that the reason for a cheating a man would be his shrinking violet man. I think people who cheat get addicted to the thrill of cheating – the shrinking violet wife is only a convenient excuse. Of course it works in the reverse as well. A wife may have a hubby who is a boring f*uc*, she could work on the sexual part of the relationship but may instead choose to look for a more exciting partner outside (of her marriage)

  3. Thanks Mike! I’m trying to help Nana from solely carrying the blog this year. I was a bad, BAD co-blogger in 2009! 🙂

    @Nana: I agree with your analysis. People have different reasons for cheating. Some addicted to the thrill, some see it as normal in a relationship, no matter how fabulous their partner may be, others are just weak.

  4. Abena, I’m on your side regarding the married cheating man & that reason.
    It is also true that some men cheat for the thrill BUT a man won’t just up and need a thrill. The lack of thrill would have to exist first before he applies himself to fulfil it.
    When a human being wants something, we first think of the easiest way we can get it. Other factors/ risks are considered after that.


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