Home Sex education I Could Have Been Eating Banku

I Could Have Been Eating Banku

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Now what in the world does banku have to do with anybody’s bedroom? Only two things: It takes time to finish and there is generally a sense of satisfaction once you’re done “chopping”.  I don’t have to time to be witty or clever this morning, so I’ll just get straight to the point.

This post is about premature ejaculation.

There is not a man on the planet that is consistent every time he hits the sack. Like any athlete, he may have his off days where performance is less than optimal. Most women will recognize this and attempt to stroke her non-performing mates ego with all the common cliches:

Oh, it’s ok sweetie, it’s the motion of the ocean, not the size of the ship. OR

I was too tired to go all night anyway (she smiles sweetly in reassurance, kisses him and curses under her breath).

Guys often complain about their mates not giving them enough sex often enough. They say we women always complain of headaches, having a hard day, or rationing out sex like we’re in a war and it’s in short supply. I can tell you from the other end of the spectrum that there is nothing more frustrating for a woman than getting all psyched up for the deed, only to have it over in minutes. I’ve dated or slept with 2 preemies in my life, and it was a horrid experience. I was reminded of these by one of my friend’s statuses on FB lamenting her first encounter with a preemie.

Guy #1: I was SO into this boy. We dated in secondary school for about a year, and we had never done anything physical beyond deep kissing and exploration. One day during our long vacation, he invited me over to his house, and I could tell by the look in his eye that we were about to get down and dirty. I was ready to release my bag of tricks! As we lay on the floor of his room, he kissed me passionately and rubbed his groin against mine. Within a few seconds, only one of us had had a sexual experience. Yes folks, he climaxed before penetration. We broke up the next term.

Guy #2: This was some time after college, I can’t recall when. The event was so tragic that I’ve tried to block it. I do remember that he was a radio jockey and that he spent half the night trying to convince me to hop into bed with him. Being a 20 something fool, I gave up my “good girl” persona and did. He masterfully undressed me, laid me down, stuck his tongue down my throat, his condomed privates into mine and after four thrusts, shuddered, groaned and rolled over. Really? For real Mr. Big Time DJ? And then he had the nerve to sleepily ask me if I had enjoyed it as much as he did?!? Tsseeewwww!!!

As for me, I’ve never claimed to know much about sex. So please readers, can you share any tips that might help a man prolong his endurance? I’m assuming outside of a medical condition, there MUST be a way to keep this from happening. Your advice here might save a relationship today…or am I the only woman to have unfortunately slept with the only two premature jacks on the planet?

28 COMMENTS

  1. Abena, this is a very sensitive topic indeed! I’ve always wanted to know how women REALLY felt about premature you-know-what…My guess was close.

    I have this theory that all men are premature ejaculators — and that it takes practice to learn the self-control required to keep going and going like the Energizer bunny.

    Self-control? Control of what? Well I say control all those things that turn you on. Try not to get so excited by those alluring waist-beads, or those perky, full breasts, or by the idea that you are finally getting some! Yes, that kind of excitement can make you come in 5 seconds or less.

    Also, counting sheep seems to do the trick for some guys! The general idea is to distract yourself from what’s going on and hopefully prolong the action.

    There’s other tips to help stop premature ejaculation and I hope other dudes and gals on this forum will tell us abt them. Good luck!

  2. I have had one such experience and I was left bemused confused and very VERY embarrassed.

    I was with the guy at the time, but we had had a bit of a break, holidays or something. Anythoooo, he was soooo excited to see me and I was happy to see him too. But it was over before I had even gotten into my groove. I just kind of looked at him like, huh? Did I just feel what I thought I’d felt? After a few moments of awful silence the excused flowed free and I felt so bad for him. He was so embarrassed and I did the whole. Baby, it’s ok. Can’t lie though. I was pissed!

    Waaaait a second! That was my second experience! The first was my virginity experience. Dude was just bad. Smallest penis I have seen to date. I barely felt the penetration, no pain no discomfort, nothing. And then he’s writhing and moaning and sighing contentedly. KMT. Even though I was a virgin I still felt like WTF?!?!?!?! KMT.

    So there! I’ve had two as well. Tips? The embarrassed ex told me if he ever was so excited again I should sort of switch it up so he is slightly distracted. So we do something that get’s me closer to my climax but is not necessarily his favourite so he has time to get under control and I can get closer to where he is at…

  3. This happened once with my ex-partner and I made the mistake of laughing. I wasn’t laughing at him, I was just laughing at us and the whole situation. He wasn’t amused. Did I mention already that he was an ex?

  4. Anthony: Yes, it’s a really big problem. I don’t know that we women make matters any better by telling guys that “it’s ok”. A premature you know what totally pisses us off! Perhaps if more men knew, they would focus on lasting longer. I don’t know that I like the idea of a man being distracted and counting sheep while engaged in “the act”…I’d like to think he’s be thinking of me! But you can’t have your cake and eat it too I suppose.

    Nsoromma: Oh CHALEY! Your examples are so sad and hilarious! It’s good to know I am not the only one to have suffered through. May we never suffer again!

  5. Not a big problem…it’s all about communication. Everyone would like IT to last until everyone is satiated, sore & blissful. There is no reason to be embarrassed about things that are almost out of your control. But there are techniques that can help. Most of the time, people just move too quickly and once guys get in, it’s all about really getting it on. The vagina is laced with some of the strongest muscles in the body, guys, you can’t “tear it up”! It’s more likely to show you what’s what.

    Foreplay helps a lot. Bringing a guy close to ejaculation manually or orally, but stopping just ahead of it a couple of times can actually “calm” matters a bit. In the meantime, the woman is also much further along the arousal to orgasm road. Our sexual practices in Ghana are often too focused on genital-to-genital contact too quickly.

    But why should early ejaculation be the end of it… You have a whole night ahead of you, right? You’re not fumbling teenagers who have curfews. Round one is over… still more to enjoy.

  6. @Anon – Yes, you mentioned he is now an ex. lol! It’s hard for either of you to go on after laughing at his little man, isn’t it?

    @Kofi A – As always, you give tremendous insight. We are a far too pelvic-to-pelvic minded society.

    @Nana – Hmmm…you know waay too much for your own good! LMAO!!

  7. The DJ story was funny. Thing is, you can raise a man’s expectations so high that by the time you “get down to business”, he is far too aroused and only a few thrusts are needed to make him ejaculate.

    Much of sex is mental and its thus possible to ejaculate with a little massage of the genital area. Perhaps you should have such a man have a cold shower before you start.

  8. Hi Abena

    Your post reminds me of something the late great Bernie Mac said. “I never exprerience pre-mature ejaculation: whenever I come it’s right on time!”

    On a serious note, this is a problem that most men reading this will be familiar with. It is probably the only aspect of a man’s physical sexuality that is so deeply linked to his mind. It can be triggered by stress but a lot of the time it just happens. It usually happens with relatively young and inexperienced so as you get older (and presumably but not neccesarily the men you sleep with get older) it should happen less often. It is perhaps telling that this happened to you in your school days.

    The kicker is this. This is an almost entirely psychological problem. So when it happens you are frightened it is going to happen again, having sex goes from something you enjoy to something you fear, therefore naturally it invariably does happen again.

    You asked about ways men can stop it from happening. The general aim is to gain control in a similar way to when you hold a pee in. Here goes:

    1. Usually guys grow out of it.

    2. Understanding that it is a mind thing and that there is nothing wrong with you helps. Fortunately I don’t have this problem because sex for me is fun and jolly, not an intrinsic part of my masculinity. To feel bad about this is as absurd to me as feeling personally hurt because I couldnt get to the last level of Mario cart. I strongly suspect this isnt true for most men.

    3. Practice with porn. Masturbale to the point when you’re near coming then try to stop yourself. Its a bit like riding a bike. hard to explain but when you figure out how to do it its easy.

    4. One way to help on the above point is to breathe in deeply and sharply and temporariliy stop motion at the point you’re coming.

    5. The ability to stop yourself from coming has something to do with the muscles around your dick. When you’re alone get a (small) wet towel and hang it on your erected dick and try to keep it up.

    Happy shagging.

    yours lovingly,

    Africa’s Child

  9. Hmmmmmmm interesting, as for me l don’t know what to say, but two things: l was so amused and at the same time felt so sorry for myself. Amused because the stories are so funny that l found myself laughing throughout and at the same time too l felt so sorry for myself because this is what l have been living with for the past 11years and still married to a preemie! After 11 years, l can’t cope anymore and the marriage is now at a brink and could explode any minute like the volcanic ash crisis.…l live to tell my story another day. Thanks Nana for prompting me to read this, this is how l have lived my life for 11 years!

  10. @ Naa – Wow! That’s serious. At the risk of sounding stupidly naive (and using scenes from a film to give me ideas – think, ‘The Perfect Picture’). Can you go to see someone? I mean if your marriage is on the brink, all embarrassment and joking aside, perhaps you need some type of couples counselling.

  11. Yes Naa, this is very serious indeed. I would definitely use dome of the male advice here and try to subtly share it with your husband. Nothing bruises a man’s ego like finding out he’s not satisfying his woman (particularly his wife…particularly of 11 years!) in bed. I would recommend going to see someone if you have not discussed the problem with him one on one already. I can tell you, I have gone through dry spells with my husband as well, but never to this length. I think you’ve inspired a new blog post for me. Good luck girl, and stay in the fight!

  12. @ Abena and Nsoromma, thank you all for your advice. I stayed 11years like this for our 2 beautiful daughters and being the typical african woman that l am! I do acknowledge that it is a very serious issue and that is why the marriage is now on the brink, sadly after 11years! I have gone through all your suggestions: one on one with him, provided personal help, adviced him to seek external help, done what l could as Naa. Hey, what do you do with a man who doesnt want to help himself? I think l am beyond counselling now, l am begining to feel exhausted each day and resorting to drugs to sleep most nights. I have to help myself now and very fast…. get out of this marriage fast!

  13. Wow. That’s awful! I don’t know your husband and I don’t want to judge him unfairly, but it sounds as though he’s being very selfish. I sounds as though he thinks that becuase you’ve stuck around like “the good African woman” THIS long, you will continue to do so without any change on his part. I’m not marriage expert, but if he’s not satisfying you in other areas of your relationship (emotionally, intellectually, spiritually and any other -ly you can think of), and sex is the last deal breaker, then yes, save yourself the grief. You shouldn’t have to go through the rest your life totally miserable and on pills to get to sleep! Do what you think is best for you and let God work out the rest.

  14. This has also happened to me a few times. The first time was with a guy with the biggest penis I’ve ever seen in my life, but my excitement quickly turned to dismay when he came in 12 seconds (no exaggeration). My shock was further compounded when he also let out a small fart as he came. SMDH. In his defense, he’d been trying to sleep with me for about 3 years so I truly think he was overcome by the occasion. I just pretended nothing had happened, especially as he kind of made up for it with some cunnilingus 😉 However, this was the first and last time I slept with him…..

    Another time was with my ex-boyfriend. It was surprisingly not a big deal at all. He’s usually excellent at switching up the tempo/ positions when he feels he’s about to come too soon but on this occasion, we were in somewhat cramped quarters and were therefore limited in distraction techniques. He was mortified but I honestly didn’t care. The man gave me hours of great sex so one tiny slip-up was hardly gonna bother me.

  15. My husband has the biggest penis I’ve ever seen, even when it is ‘humbled’ it is still extra large lol! Hey but what do l need a useless extra large P for? The dissatisfaction is all round l will talk about other areas soon.

  16. These are some hilarious preemie war stories.
    Whatever happened to “The one that cums first is the winner”? LMBAO

    OK, all jokey-jokes aside, we need to really know our partners. When you know your partner, you can address issues that arise, better.
    When you know your man, you can pin-point the cause of the pre-mature ejaculations.
    It is a medical condition for some and they need treatment (with chemicals). Some need a shrink to help them get past issues causing the condition.
    Some need education that it is possible & easy to last longer than 2 seconds.
    Others are preemies by choice (This happens when the chick is the jump-off. Could also happen when the guy is just through and doesn’t care about his rep or what damage he causes to the relationship).

    Like I said, you gotta know your man.

  17. There is no point leaving a guy cos he ejaculates prematurely.
    As shakespeare said ‘there is no art to find a dick’s construction
    in the face! How do you know it won’t get worse with the subsequent
    Men? Maybe a good point for women trying out the men before
    Marrying them!

  18. I’m on the floor here, forgive me cos i know this is some serious issue. I found out that the distraction technique works. Like Katt Williams said; when you are at it think about everything except what you are doing. My roomie in university used to think about bosnia, darfur, somalia anytime he was handling his business. Seriously images of skinny somali kids running through your mind whilst having sex should keep you nuts intact for at least 2 hours.

  19. Premature ejaculation is an issue of importance for men. Many a man has had such an experience either frequently or intermittently, never never. It is a fact that most men start sexual activity in their teens. I am mindful of the age of consent pertaining in Ghana, but I am talking about those days we all were victims of an outpouring of testosterone and worshipped Pam Anderson posters etc. Boys who were ‘lucky’ to make a catch had the unfortunate state of having no abode suitable for sensual lovemaking. One had to get in and get out quickly before dad or mum returned or before your best friend’s mum or dad returned. Shagging was therefore quick to come, then clothes back on. Thus most youth end up with a poor ability to stay for long. When these youth settle down with their own space and all that it takes a little bit more time to unlearn the quickie style and settle down to good lovemaking.
    Secondly, when a man has been off sex for some days, weeks or months he tends to come extremely quickly. Some women actually suspect infidelity if their man stays for long after a long trip from home. The quicker the come the possibility that he has abstained for the whole period.
    Thirdly many a man these days is unsure of his ability to satisfy a woman due to the many media suppositions about virility. Women are more vocal on what they want in a man sexually these days than before. Some guys are made uncomfortable by this and are intimidated when they hit the sack. The factors that cause prem-ejac are so many to be put down here.

    What do you do if your man shoots too quickly?
    Get to know your man’s genitals intimately. Know which parts are highly sentitive and very responsive. Remember that a man warms up as a gas fire. Rapidly. A woman is more like an electric cooker. Slower.
    During foreplay with your acquired knowledge about the sensitivity of your man’s genitals ensure that your stimulation will be general and not directly focused on his genitals. Especially with fellatio focus less on the tip of the penis. Spend more time on the lesser sensitive areas such as the balls and the lower shaft of the penis.
    Plan to make him come one or twice through fellatio before penetration. A few outpours will lessen his whole sensitivity and your encouragement and support will promote relaxation. This is better done before penetration as insertion promotes wetness in the vagina and contact with sperm will even more lubricate the vagina making it useless for the moment. Learn to wait for a while before he enters you.
    Remember the ‘petit morte’ or the little death. After coming it is natural for the man to doze off. He is not doing it, nature is. As he drifts, a vigorous shake will fully wake him up. So many things happen to a man when sexually aroused. After climax the body reorganises itself and this is done naturally by the human body. When this is being done the body goes into a state of full relaxation stimulating sleep. Shaking the man out of that little death is a must if he is to continue. This is one bit of help men naturally need from women that we never usually get, unless we educate each other about our sexual physiology.
    If you are well informed about the sensual geography of your man’s body, and are willing to help him during sex, then good sex is possible and not a mirage. Stop thinking about his sole ability. Learn to do things together and the result will be absolute pleasure.

  20. God Forbid!! Me!? Pre-mature ejaculation!! Never!!(Fingers snapping all over the place like the effeminate Nigerian 419 hustler ). No matter the degree of incredulousness with which men deny this, it happens to all of us. In fact I was so embarrassed a couple of years ago when on a trip to Ghana I pulled this absolute beauty. I had no intention of actually “firing” her as I thought the 2 week holiday period was too short to actually get it on with a classy girl like that. So imagine my absolute exhilaration when on a night out things rapidly went up hill and I mean all the way.
    The night had been great with all the flirting etc. I had made up my mind to settle for some cuddling, snogging and maybe some “fingerworks” on the way home. Once the “moves” started I got hit with the proverbial “sorry, Kotoko on Park” story. Now we all know that ladies do not wear white hotpants with white g-strings when ”Fabulous” is around. It’s just a psychological deficit in most ladies resulting in a defensive pair of thick tight “bola” panties (normally black) as a second line of defence to the tampon or whatever is in place. So quite naturally I played along reassuring her of my gentlemanly intentions only to cuddle up with her warm body in my arms for the night. It’s not like I was going to cross the ”red sea” on our first night together.
    Well once in doors I went from “touchy kissy” to “touchy feely” to “touchy sucky” in like 5 mins. No sooner had I latched my lips on her fine brown nipples did she confess there were no obstructions to some proper action. Being still in awe of this lovey, I spent the next half an hour working on her with scientific precision. Ears, lips, nipples, clit, labia, perineum, infact I suspect I even tongued that fine asshole…..I have never worked so hard in my life to impress any lady. Job almost done and lady gasping for the conclusion with screams all over and her definitive commands to “take me, take me, please take me don’t let me waste this, come on take me”. I mount her with the vigour and agility of a Tuareg running down a Moroccan mountainside after a mountain goat and then…..I discharge my load immediately. It wasn’t even an energetic discharge, it just seeped out. No squirt squirt, just the feeble seeping out. I left the lady frustrated just outside the gates of ecstasy staring disappointedly at the open arm of an orgasm which was definitely now out of her reach. Three times that night I tried and she was damn helpful too, she got there a couple of times but it just got worse and worse for me. I ended up having to get her a ticket to London, where over a 3 week holiday I managed to acquit myself in a more dignified and masculine manner.
    Guys, the trick is not to get too keen about it. If you have time, get a wank before the lady comes. The second round normally lasts longer. If you are going to do some serious “bodyworks” on the lady, get your something something first, either a blow job from her or some wanking. If you get caught off-guard and it is the first time and none of the options above are open to you, forget the ”bodyworks”, hit the damn pussy and get you rocks off. Then no matter how exhausted you are go straight on with some bodyworks, she will rapidly forgive your disrespectful and selfish first moves plus (trust me) you will always have a hard on just in time to take her through the gates.

  21. I know i’m late here but i had the wierdest case with an ex who would simply not get an erection. God knows i tried everything i could to see some hardness. And he would just not talk about it or even comment on it! It was as though i was the only one noticing something was just not right! This went on over a 5year period (on and off) and not once did i even glimpse an erection!
    It completely baffled me then and still does actually. Was it me? Or was it him? Or was he gay and in the closet? Or anything at all to try to understand the situation.

  22. @Nana my namesake, sorry it took me so long to upload your comment – I didn’t see the alert i normally get when comments are pending approval. Can I start by saying, IT WAS MOST DEFINITELY NOT YOU..he was the one who couldn’t get an erection not you. There are a variety of reasons why men may be unable to get an erection (nervousness, stress, tiredness, sexual dysfunction…) so don’t make his problems yours. It would have been good if the two of you had been able to communicate about his inability to have/maintain an erection but I can understand these conversations are hard to have. I remember one guy I was with tried (and failed) 3 times in one night to get a hard on and only two nights ago one of my friends was telling me about a similar experience she had. Its not you. Trust me 🙂

  23. @Nana and Nana Darkoa:

    Yeah, every guy has moments (and perhaps longer than moments) like those you describe. Erections are not an act of will, they have volitions of their own. What triggers a strong hard on and what causes the prospect of a hard on to disappear is quite a mystery. It’s because it’s a mystery that I take exception to the notion that it’s all about the guy and his issues. There are at least three poles of action taking place in these interactions: the woman and what she brings to the table, the man and what he brings to the table, and the interaction between the man and the woman. (OK, excuse the evident bias toward heterosexualism). Any of these so-called poles of action could cause the evening to fizzle out. Magic occurs when all three are working toward a common goal.

    It is useless to try to apportion blame or even responsibility for acts that operate at a deep subconscious level.

    Depending on the strength of the relationship between the partners in crime, some open and honest communication might help ease the jitters and get matters flowing in the right direction. The worst things to do for a guy in these circumstances is to try “harder.” Never works!

  24. @Nana, Nana Darkoa, Kofi Ametewee

    Guys, it is also a fact that the onset of diabetes can play tricks on erections. The lack of a woody could be a sign that the guy needs to check on his blood glucose level. Also some of the high blood pressure medications have weak and low erections as a known side effect.

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