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Lotions, Potions and Creams

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Sometime last year, some of you may recall that Nana and I took an excursion to look for sex toys while she was here in Atlanta. In that time, she made it clear that she did not care for ‘coital enhancing’ lotions and creams…she was more interested in battery operated hardware. Previous to that moment, I had not given much thought to what a woman’s possible aversion to body smears could be. A few nights ago, I found out what one of those causes may be.

I’ll come right out and say. For the past couple of weeks I’ve been a little parched in the panties. No magic tricks my husband has pulled out of his hat have managed to get me moist enough to permit painless entry. So, KY has become our constant friend. No big deal. Well, my dear hubby thought he might help me along by plunking down $25 and purchasing some KY Intense – For Female Satisfaction. Have you seen the ads? The product promises mind blowing, pyrotechnic orgasms for women.

“Rub it on!” I commanded. He hesitated for a moment.

“But I think you need to get a little…”

I interrupted him mid-sentence.

“Rub it on now, I say! I want to see if this thing really works!”

He did as he was told.

“Now stick it in!”

He obliged. Less than 20 seconds into it, I cried for him to take it out.

“Take it out! It burns! It burrns!!”

My dear spouse looked perplexed.

“What burns babe??”

The KY! Ajeish!!”

I was twitching uncomfortably by this time and rubbing myself vigorously with a wet wipe. In the meanwhile, he hovered above me, not certain whether to move out of the way, attempt to continue the encounter or just  abandon any thoughts at all. He ended up laughing. I was not so amused.

Let me tell you what KY Intense is like. It’s like putting ROBB directly into, on and around your vagina. It’s not pleasant. Period. As I lay there fanning my nether regions, I thought of Nana’s sage words. I was also taken back to adolescent days when one of my boyfriend’s thought we were in an R. Kelly video or a Silk song. He wanted to lick me “up and down” and poured honey all over my body (we didn’t have any chocolate syrup handy, sadly). By the end of the encounter, my legs were sticky, my clothes were sticky…I was a gooey Ghanaian mess riding home in a taxi.

Body smears. Bah! Who needs ’em?

What say you? Are you a fan of juices and berries in a bottle? I’m sure we’d all love to know. Heh, heh, heh…

10 COMMENTS

  1. LMAO, sorry. This is not the first time I’ve heard of KY going gangsta on nether region, one of my guy friends had the same experience and the chick he was with didn’t, same thing with one of my girl friends, her boy friend didn’t feel the burn. Maybe regular KY from now on?

  2. Ha! I knew those ads were too good to be true! Sorry you had to find out the hard way… Re “juices and berries”, definitely a fan, but not of the kind you find in bottles 😉

  3. Try KY heat now thats thats like deep heat on your balls, makes rub far better. $25 thats about close to GHC 40 wow sex aids are getting way too expensive, poor people would have to run dry.

    I used the KY Tingle, she used a sex toy before insertion then I stick it in after. She cums every time. Apart from KY heat guys dont really feel any sensation with lubes all they think about is moving in and out.

    I am not a KY fun because its too sticky, Some of the ones being sold in Ghana are very sticky like rat trap I wonder where they get them from?
    Astroglide is said to be very good makes sex with someone you hate nice. Thats the next lube I will be getting.

  4. Hahahahahahaha, Abena you crack me up every time and i so need the light relief today of all days. Ei ‘my sage words’ really run through your mind a lot eh? I don’t know whether to be flattered or concerned. My thing with lotions, jelly, creams etc is this: I shouldn’t need them, if i am turned on my body will provide enough juice of its own, if there is no juice, that means something is wrong and so they should be no action. Saying that i can understand that for a lot of people lubricants are really helpful, they make sex more comfortable, etc but pour moi, mmmm, not fan, plus those ‘pussy creams’ just never do anything. Its like you keep waiting for some magic that never happens

  5. Hahaha! I ususally don’t leave comments, but this post was too good *not* too. Abena, chale, you’ve confirmed what I always suspected. I remember buying the rampant rabbit from Annsummers.com and imagine my joyous surprise when it came with a free bottle of Durex’s Play “tingle”. However, what should have actually been written on the bottle was BURN cause that’s what it did.

    I mean, WHO DO THEY TEST THESE THINGS ON????

  6. I want to thank everyone here who has used these “magic potions” and has admitted to having their nether regions burned. So Myne, I can say with much relief that it was not an allergic reaction. That stuff just BURNS.

    @Quay – I think the KY they send to Ghana is the really old brand they don’t sell here in the States anymore. About 5 years ago, many people who used it had the same complaint. It was even in the news. It wouldn’t surprise me if they are sending their unused stock to Africa. Pharm companies do it ALL the time.

  7. i enjoy doing massage on the women i am with and have a few scented massage oils i use, does that count? it usually gets them lubricated pretty well. i’ve not met a woman yet that would need to use lubrication for vaginal penetration, only anal.

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