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In Search of My Baby’s Father

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I turned 33 two days ago and spent the day with my friend [who happens to be a Doctor – her profession is very relevant to this post ๐Ÿ™‚ ] So Dr and I natter about everything. We have a lot in common. Especially when it comes to the subject of children. We are not overjoyed at the thought of having children. In a previous post I wrote about my fear of childbirth so I won’t go into that here but there have been some developments in my views on childbirth. I have decided that it would be ‘safer’ to have one child as an insurance policy against future regret. A few years ago I attended a Feminist Tech Exchange in South Africa and I will always remember this older feminist who said her one regret was not having a child. ‘How horrible,’ I thought, ‘to regret having children at a stage when you cannot do anything about that regret‘. I don’t want to have that regret. I don’t want to regret anything in my life which is where my one child insurance policy comes through. If I have just one biological child then surely I would have no regrets. One child shouldn’t change my life that much should it? I mean, I can just pack my one child and go wherever I want to go. Its not like having 3 or 4 children. Now that will definitely change my life. Now Dr freaked me out a bit. She said. ‘ when you look at the charts of women over 35 who have children, the rates of Down’s syndrome go up exponentially’. Shoot! So now I have to meet my baby’s father in the early part of this year so I can get to know them for a couple of months, conceive my child very late this year or very early next year so I can just about beat the 35 year old deadline? Pressure be what? Especially when there are no prospectives in sight?

Well Dr and I decided to draw up a shopping list for my baby’s father:

* Earns at least $3,000 per month

* Enjoys what he does for a living

* In an ideal world would be a feminist or at least have a healthy respect for women’s rights and social justice issues

* Is tolerant/liberal minded

* Physically fit/exercises on a regular basis

* Circumcised (or willing to be circumcised)

* Intelligent

* AA (not a sickle cell carrier, cos I am one)

* Good looking (yes I know that depends on the beholder)

So if you fit the bill, or know anyone who fits the bill have them email me via adventuresfrom[at]gmail.com. Lets see if Adventures can find me my baby’s father.

P.S: Oh and I’m not looking for a sperm donor. I’m looking unconventionally for an almost conventional type of relationship. To quote some of the dating ads ‘searching for friendship and possibly more‘.

28 COMMENTS

  1. While I think reasonable people can debate any or all the attributes, I’m struck particularly by why someone would undergo a painful experience for the pleasure of a relatively low-involvement “relationship”.

    OK, have you thought about custody issues? Childrearing preferences?

  2. Oh did I give the impression that I was looking for a ‘low-involvement relationship’? The P.S. in my post was supposed to clarify that its NOT a low involvement relationship otherwise I can just go to the sperm bank. This person has to live with me, share the household tasks, change diapers…

  3. Isn’t this general lines of thought for a lot of single high flying professional women in their mid to late thirties?.. and they are quite a number these days. How do you guarantee that you don’t end up with a fake? If a man earns $3,000+ in Ghana and hasn’t settled down to a stable relationship after 38 then he could end up being a ‘donor’. Can we know about the plan B please!

  4. You’re lying to yourself if you think having only 1 child isn’t going to change anything. It changes EVERYTHING. As someone with 3 or 4 – because why bother counting after 3? – I can tell you that that first break-in baby absolutely breaks you. That is, of course unless you continue to live your fabulous life as a celebrity with all your celebrity benefits (i.e. built in child care) ๐Ÿ™‚

    Feel free to look outside the race too. A single good looking man who makes $3000/month is a commodity you’re probably going to have to share with several other women. But I think you’re liberal enough to where that might be prefered!

  5. @Kofi – There should be no custody issues if Baby Father and I are living together and rearing our child together. Child rearing preference? Raise the child with a lot of love being firm when I need to be firm and tolerant when I need to be. I don’t have any particular school of thought when it comes to rearing children. I’ll follow my instinct mainly, try and feed my child healthy meals, bond with my child and imbue in them a sense of responsibility. I will also make liberal use of the support system of my family and paid help.
    In terms of the gap between ‘live with me’ and ‘Baby’s Father’, I like attention grabbing titles ๐Ÿ™‚ Plus the title reminds me of Alice Walker’s ‘In my Mothers Garden’

    @Nene – what do you reckon my bit should be? Plan B is to live my life as I currently do and adopt at age 40, which is the age I feel I would be ‘naturally’ ready to have a child.

    @Redgoldgreen- I can’t speak generally for women in their mid to late thirties ESPECIALLY as I am not in that age bracket ๐Ÿ™‚ well, not yet anyway…
    On a more serious note, what do you mean by a ‘fake’? Somebody who is untrue about his intentions? Men like that are a dime a dozen. I believe in listening to my instincts which is an excellent judge of character.
    And I’m NOT interested in donors – I can buy a donation. See my response to Nene for my Plan B which in reality is probably more my PLAN A ๐Ÿ™‚

    @Mike- Excellent points! I have had to revise my issues with dating younger men so let’s say an age bracket of 28-40? Who knows, I may even be willing to do 26-46, I have met some really hot 40 something men.
    And you completely threw me with your question of ‘what do I have to offer?’ Wow, I thought it was pretty obvious what an all round fabolous person I am. Hmmm, I offer a fairly attractive persona – both inside and outside, intelligence, confidence, go-getter attitude to life, business acumen, a curvaceous figure, an open-minded attitude to sex (no anal though ๐Ÿ™‚ ), well-travelled, opinionated, a good cook who rarely cooks, a, an independent spirit, someone with an even brighter future…

  6. @Abena – my dearest, bestest friend, thanks for breaking my illusions of ‘one child won’t make that much of a difference to my life’, I read your comment to Dr and she was like ‘See, I told you so’.
    Okay so its a teeny weeny unrealistic of me to think one child won’t make a difference to my life but this is where an EXPANSIVE support system comes in, including the father of the child, my mother, paid help (I will get two nannies if I need to) and any other support that may be required. This is part of the reason why Baby’s Father needs to earn a decent amount of money ( preferably a tad more than I do so he doesn’t display the stereotypical insecurity men have when their wives earn more than him. Sigh)
    Lol @ celebrity lifestyle – well its got to be maintained or stepped up a notch ๐Ÿ™‚

    @ Jessica – You get me! You really do! I was beginning to think I had written the most ambigious post ever. I just have issues with the words ‘husband’ and ‘wife’. Thanks hun

  7. @Abena – oh and about looking outside the race? In theory I have no issues with that. The added caveats would be that he has to live in Ghana and get Ghanaian culture, whilst at the same time not be the kind of person who exoticises culture, Ghana or Africa. Tall order?

  8. No anal?! You break my heart ๐Ÿ™ I was so looking forward to that ๐Ÿ˜› I love the part about “a good cook who rarely cooks” and “all around fabulous person I am” (as I keep turning back to your pic). Certainly makes one intrigued enough to fly back to Accra.

  9. So in a fairly ironic twist a programme that was pre-recorded for GTV’s ‘Standpoint’ is being aired tonight at 8.15pm.
    The topic is “CELEBRATING SINGLE WOMEN”. I remember jokingly saying to the hostess that I cannot date anyone until the programme has aired…
    If you live in Ghana and watch the programme let me know your thoughts.

  10. Morning Nana

    I think its a great idea to know it is that you want in life, and better still to pursue your wants. My question is this: Can you match or balance those goals: Do you earn in the range of $3000 a month? Does you enjoy what YOU do for a living? Does you exercise regularly? Do you consider yourself in your own honest terms to be good looking… and in this particular instance, do men? Those are the questions that particularly spring to mind, but I guess that with this method and set of goals you have to treat it almost as a negotiation: You know what you want, now what are you offering, and is it worth it? If there aren’t all ticks in the boxes, then are you aiming to change or improve those things?

    I remember hearing a podcast on the subject of what men want, and it spoke about guys that have (for want of a better phrase) their sh*t together, and what they look for in women. Basically, they usually just look for a woman who has their sh*t together too on all the levels that they do, OR in a way that compliments their own characteristics. For men, the knowledge that the better they do in life, the more they become attractive to the opposite sex plays a major part in confidence, and therefore in what they come to expect in a woman… not truly a list, but more about how she works WITH him, and how co-operative or combative she is. To me, anyone with lists just needs to realise what it is that they’re bringing to the table, and know that if they measure up then its all good… but if not… ooooooh dear.

    Anyway, I wish you all the best in your search… and I hope that the show (Celebrating Single Women) is informative.

    Be well.

    Mr.B

  11. grammar… ? subject/verb agreement? misuse of caps? …all because I had to have email notification. Nana, you owe me for the 3 mins I had to re-read this!

  12. Hello Mr B – Yes I do match and in many respects exceed those listed goals :). From one of my jobs (and I have several legal jobs ๐Ÿ™‚ ), I do earn just under 3 k. I ABSOLUTELY love what I do for a living, I exercise at least 3 times a week with my personal trainer (apart from when I’m out out of the country, unwell or otherwise indisposed). On a scale of 0-10 I will rate myself a 7 when it comes to looks (Can other who know me support or deny this hehehehe).

    Re podcast: I’m curious, what do men who do not yet have their sh*t together, look for in a woman?

    Thanks for commenting. I appreciate the detailed and well thought out response

    @ Mike – *Ahem*. Are you not supposed to be looking for United/BA deals back to Accra? ๐Ÿ™‚

  13. Well you will always I rate 10 on my scale.
    I think you are a really lovely girl, love your hair and you have a nice figure. I will even drink your bath water if you ask me to, you are simply amazing all over. I can never forget seeing you at the airport but I always regret not saying hi to you were just too much into your story book and you didn’t seem like you were willing to give any one the time and day.

    My general impressions of you: I think you are very much into your goals and a goal driven lady – normally end single and rich, I do not think you are into the money, I think its the humanitarian side of things that appeals to you more than any thing else.
    I don,t think invest alot time into a relationship, maybe its not a high enough priority on your list. You are really beautiful and I don’t see why a beauty such as you would be single. I don’t fall in love with women at first sight but I think I am very much in love with you and the image of you is still in my head till this day, there is just something about you that just takes my breath away. I do not earn 4200 Ghc a month not alot of jobs pay that around here in Ghana.

  14. @ Q – Sorry its taken me so long to reply your comment. I read your comment initially on my phone and I though ‘Aawwww, how sweet’, and so I wanted to take the time to respond when I was using my computer. So what do i say?

    Wow, thank you! Your comment is such a compliment and I am truly flattered ๐Ÿ™‚ This is one of those comments that I will come and re-read if I’m having a down day…however don’t drink anyone’s bath water! That’s just Eugh ๐Ÿ™‚

    And yes, if you do see me anywhere say ‘Hi’. I don’t bite…(well apart from when its in play)

    Hmm, now to answer some salient points in your comment. Yes I am very goal driven, its my personality. Are you saying goal-driven people end up single and rich? That may not be a bad fate, I quite enjoy being single, I have the occasional moments when I think it will be nice to have a partner, like when I wanna go on ‘ a romantic weekend break’ but those moments are few and far between. My whole issue with the money thing is I have quite a high standard of living and would like to have an even higher standard of living so for e.g. in future I want to have a personal chef (not a house help who can cook oooo, the kind of gourmet chef who can make me dairy free chocolate cake) and I want a personal trainer who comes to my house, and I want to be able to go on holiday whenever I want to….as you can see I have a lot of wants and that takes money. I plan to earn enough money so I can afford all my wants so how can I have a partner who cannot afford or want the same.

    I did have a tinge of ‘Awww’ when I read your comment, “I do not earn 4200 Ghc a month not alot of jobs pay that around here in Ghana.” and I thought ‘Am I being too harsh’ but came to the conclusion that I’m not. Not if I want all that I have listed above…

    So again, thanks Q for the compliment. You made me feel very happy (See, I’m easily pleased. Flattery will get you almost everywhere ๐Ÿ™‚ )

  15. Thats an easy shopping list. It only starts to look different as the details come out in the comments section. Majority of the men that fully qualify, are the ones that wouldn’t straight up want to hear about the “must live with me…” part.
    Set the whole scene up and give him space. He will eventually come live with you for life. Like Abena said, you’d be sharing with a few other women. But not for long.

  16. @ The Other Mike – in that case ‘they’ can take themselves ๐Ÿ™‚ I don’t believe in setting up scenes or people. It ain’t that deep. Re sharing with a few other women…as long as they are happy to share themselves but then that becomes buddyism which I’m bored with so we’re back to square one which is they can take themselves…

  17. I must be fairly honest with you.One child,10 children..it makes no difference.Your life as it is will never ever be the same again,trust me.
    And your Dr friend is a good friend to you;her advice re Downs is spot on.Good luck in your search,but tone down some of your requirements a tad.
    Cheers!

  18. Hahaha Love the Man advert
    Good luck with the search because one thing I’ve come to realize you can’t have ‘standards’ without being called demanding, I noted sadly that some asked you to tone down your demands.

    Seriously Don’t let your age rush you….

    The problem as we get older and more independent is that men in our lives end up seeming so 2out of 10ish they just do not measure up!

    I get your requirements because like you I do not ‘need a man’ to pay my bills but I do not want to be paying his bills #yougetme?

    I would advise you get on an Online dating site, I live in the UK and there’s one called plenty of fish dot com where I met my last ex (don’t be put off)

    You could specify you want a Ghanaian (if thats your preference) and you could meet the man of your dreams will find you. Most Ghanaians travel home regularly so you never know your luck

    Msqt.cute@live.co.uk

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