Home Heterosexual Guest Contributor Golda Addo on “Contemporary Love 101: I like you, but...

Guest Contributor Golda Addo on “Contemporary Love 101: I like you, but I can’t like you, ‘cus you like me and that simply won’t do.”

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Okay.

So what is this?

Don’t men or women ever go straightforward in love anymore?

Do we have to do this perpetual swan dance?

Makes me sick. What with the power play already?

 

I like you, and you saw it; and because you were also feeling something for me, you made the first move and asked me out. But I can’t handle someone taking the game outta my hands, so no I won’t go out with you. In fact, I’ve lost interest in you for asking me out.

It means you like me, and it means I have nothing to conquer. So, know what? Let’s just be friends for now.

Let’s just be friends? … For now?

What does that even mean? Is that a consolation prize to the ‘Thanks, but no thanks?’

 

If you’re not that interested, why don’t you tell me? I have a brain … I can figure out the sense in that.

Or are you really gay with straight fantasies? Oh wait, I know! You’re bi. And you’re not sure how I’ll take it. Orrrrr maybe you got a girlfriend … or two.

Or looking closer at me, you see I’m really not your type?

 

Too confident and independent for you? Too blunt and sassy? Too much of a looker … you don’t want the competition? Hey, we can talk about it.

C’mon … which is it? What is it?  Because you still bore holes through me with those eyes, and you still touch me now and then; casually but not-so-casually. And you drop little innuendos like “Byeeee, see you very soon.”

Hugging me tight for more than a few seconds and never letting me go …

Must be that you have a girlfriend somewhere in Vietnam, or Jamaica … or one of those far away whatchamacallits.

 

‘Cus, I don’t get it. If you know I’m all up for the direct approach, and I’ve made the first move and saved you the risk of getting turned down, why still go about playing coy and running around in circles?

You know I like you, and I know you like me, so shouldn’t we be focusing on seeing if we vibe well or terribly, instead of all this psycho-mess? … what the hell is that?

 

I mean, think about it … whatever happened to good old (or have I always been living in another world?) “Hey, good-looking. Wanna grab a piece of roasted plantain together down the road, and wash it down with a Fanice?’

And after a little giggle and a little manly laugh, we’d find out if the darn feeling would last another month or a year, before we both get too emotional?!

 

What’s with this make yourself unavailable and uncatchable phenomenon?

 

So, I stand at the corner, arms folded beneath my breasts, legs crossed, watching y’all … do your thing. Cus I don’t get it, and I don’t want to. And it pisses me off no end, seeing good, vulnerable people go through the misery of ‘s/he loves me- s/he loves me not’, and never quite getting to last the entire game.

 

Yeah, I stand there and just watch. When I get tired, I move on.

Because my man? He’s out there, also standing at some corner shaking his head at all this tiring nonsense.

He’s got good sense, and is real mature. He’s grown and ready to handle a real woman like me; he knows what love is when he sees it, and he knows when the woman loves him right back.

He is not afraid of anything on this woman, no matter how sterling she may be; and no matter what happens, he knows that all she wants is to be his … body, mind and soul, and have him reciprocate.

 

He’s never too immature to play games. He says it like it is … gives the loving like it oughta be.

So, if you think I’m too overmatched for you, or whatever other it is … go right on!

I’m damn fine, I’m fabulous, I’m it, and I won’t crawl for you when I can walk upright.

 

 

Growing up as an adolescent, I never had this problem of power games in love, and so it was with much shock that I come back into the love/dating world to find it ruling the day. Did I fall off the planet at some point in time? I’m still trying to find out where I passed.

I mean … adults playing this kind of tshaskele? (transltn: Ghanaian rogue form of roulette).

Put a gun to my head alreadyyyy!

 

 

I have no idea who started this game or why, but it is one of the stupidest ever, and the majority of men play it so well, as do some women. Playing the alpha male – a large acquisition that will always be juuust out of reach; too busy, too tired, oh I can’t talk now-won’t reply your text messages kind of immature, incomprehensible macho man.

Cut it out already … who lied to y’all?!

You actually lose way more good potential partners than you think doing this, and if you had the power to find out what would have worked and who would have made you the happiest partner, etc, you would have been shocked to see how many walked you by, or walked off because of these childish love-power games.

 

Now, to the guys … there’s nothing like an overmatch … there’s only poor self-confidence. There’s nothing like an over-powerful woman … only an identity complex. There’s nothing like she’s too independent, or too rich, or too successful … only a lazy, unambitious, non-achieving, mediocre unimaginant.

Now, I’m not talking about the pure-breed bitches who are really pains in the whatnots, and disrespect everything about you … them, you can leave behind you fast as you can. I’m feminist, but I’m also honest.

 

A good successful woman takes control when things are falling apart, or are not hanging right – and if she ends up controlling it all, it’s because her man is simply not pulling his weight, using her capabilities as an excuse.

A good woman wants to come home and ask her husband, “What would you desire?” no matter how much more she may own or control than him. Because a good woman knows that she feels great when a good capable man is at the helm of that relation-ship with her… when a man is the captain of the home at her side.

 

So, if you’ve been playing those games, stop it now and get real. And please don’t take so long to grow up … it hurts watching y’all go about it all wrong.

I mean, think about it. Doesn’t being real save on so much more damage-control? (And yes, you can still play little teasing games in there. It’s more fun when they’re clearly labeled “Games”).

 

Doesn’t being real give you more time and energy on growing? Doesn’t being real give you both the joy of understanding and communication needed for a memorable mature relationship?

Does it not give you so much more room and time to do so much more?

 

Think about it.

A real man = a mature man.

A real woman = a mature woman.

A real man + a real woman = a memorable experience.

11 COMMENTS

  1. I love this post Golda! I have to confess I had to read your statement of “Or are you really gay with straight fantasies?” a couple of times cos my initial reaction was like “Oh no, is she saying he’s gay cos he didn’t like her” but then of course I realised that’s not what you meant. You’re just fed up of the games that people play…and seriously, this is something we need to talk about. I myself am not one for playing games but its fairly well known that ‘men enjoy the chase’ so…

  2. Lol, Nana!! Thank you.
    I meant “Are you really a gay guy, but somehow began wandering how being straight felt like, and decided to use me as a trial tool?” Lol!
    I know … I’m sooo mental!
    But really, the games are getting way too many and too sophisticated for me these days. I recently gave up.
    When they come, I say: A, B or C …. C’mon. Pick one n let’s ge-ow!
    At least I know if I oughta pick my bag and show you my exit skills, hang around and chat open-heartedly, or dial 911 and scream “Heeeeeelllp!”

  3. This never-ending and often pointless tug-of-war has gotten to the competitiveness of an Olympic sport. I laughed at the title. So true! The *I liked you and you were oblivious to me but immediately you notice I exist and start getting interested, I will retreat so fast you’ll wonder if the interest you saw was all in your head* dance. Sometimes, I just want to say, dude, your master-mindedness is wasted on me in this situation. Go enter a chess championship or something. Both genders are guilty.

  4. LOL.
    Well said Golda. I agree with Nana Oye that both genders are gulty.
    I don’t know what drives women to play hard-to-get but from the little I know, when a mature man (30+) appears to do that, it is most likely because he has too many women and needs a little time to figure out where the new one fits in. Another reason could be his conscience smacks him upside the head and tells him not to adulterate a good innocent woman. 🙂

  5. LOL…definitely well said, Golda!!
    It goes both ways, you know.
    And unfortunately, Ghanaians (both men and women) are sexually imprisoned and starved; and not just in the sense of just the act. It’s high-time we begin to “shine our eye” (have a moment of enlightenment) on this issue and stop this self-righteous thing about virginity.
    Now, don’t get me wrong, being a virgin is a cherished thing, but being a virgin doesn’t being COMPLETELY ignorant and sexually FLAT-BROKE!!
    We have to embrace our blackness and love it for what it is and never settle for less!! =)

  6. Golda, glad i got to read this. Just what i needed.Back on the dating scene after 13yrs. really thought these power love games from guys was the in thing and i had to accept.You are so right, why do I have to crawl for you when i can walk upright. From today am most def not taking that crap.

  7. Great job Golda! you hit the nail right on the head! it’s so annoying and immature when you are faced with such a situation…hopefully something gives before it’s too late…lol…ciao bella!

  8. I detest the game too. I’m horrible at it. However, I can see that it works for the players. Even worse, I can rationalize why it works: It’s the delicately balanced mating dance of homo sapiens.

    Everyone is looking out for a “good catch”. — Don’t deny it, you all can think of many hypothetically possible partners you would never want to have sex with! — However, for most humans it’s not just a competition to catch the rationally best parent for their offspring. Humans are not completely rational; Almost all decisions humans make are governed by emotions. That does not mean they are irrational. Most of the time the subconscious decisions are astonishingly fast, to the point, and can be rationalized. However, the more ancient primal the impulses get the simpler their logic and the harder they can be reconciled with intricately designed social structures. It hardly gets
    more primal than sex.

    Back to the game, on a primal level: The moment you show explicit interest you are signaling that you’ve determined that you would gain from a relationship. Thus you are basically signaling that your evolutionary rank is less than your potential partner’s. That’s the reason for the anticorrelation of showing interest and being attractive. — And thus, we all have a tendency to exalt attractive things we can’t have.

    Consciously rational humans, having understood the rules of the game, are either intentionally gaming other’s primal instincts, or detest the game. The problem with not participating in the game is it substantially reduces your chances of finding any attractive potential partners.

    Fortunately, the primal “evolutionary rank” and the consequential one dimensional game is not the complete picture of human attraction. Being
    attractive to others only seemingly resembles an order relation on a broad scale. There are multiple dimensions of attractiveness and thus we all can hope to find partners who complement us: Have features we adore and weaknesses we don’t mind. Exploring a potential partner’s features requires much more than posturing a higher rank.

    • @NVit – I’m so with you! I suck at the game too! I get it, I understand it from a biological imperative but I’m also not one for assuming biological essentialism. I love the final paragraph of your comment. There is hope

  9. Erm, NVit and ND: Disclaimer: I’m not an expert in evolutionary biology, my knowledge of Darwin’s theory is rank and amateurish, but this is what I understand of it.

    Darwinism, my crudely basic form of it, puts evolutionary success at the level of reproductive success.So passing your genes on is the highest form of achievement.

    If that is the case, folks will follow the line of least resistance, and that may not be someone “better” than you in station.

    There are other human behaviors that have evolved over the millennia of our existence that might lead to and reinforce game playing, but the quote unquote bottom line is that achieving reproductive success is a far more basic motivation, by theory and by considerable empirical evidence.

    Having said this, science is being roiled by models that seek to refute the basic Darwinian model…

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