My uncle raped me when I was four. Sometimes, I ask myself what he found so attractive about me at that age to make him do that to me. Was it my flat, unripe bosom? Or my carefree smile that glinted with innocence- the innocence which he took away from me forever? I will never know. Who can fathom a pervert’s mind?
He stopped molesting me when I was ten and then I started touching myself. In order to climax, I would fantasize about the things my uncle did to me, which I enjoyed. That is my secret. Not the touching- but that I enjoyed what was done to me. Now that I’m an adult, I know after reading countless psychological literature that children respond involuntarily to sexual stimuli. In other words, a child who is molested can sometimes enjoy it. So I’m not a freak of nature and it’s not my fault. But it’s only my head that knows this. Deep inside my heart, I detest myself. No one knows this is how I feel or that I’ve attempted suicide twice. I appear to be breezy and bubbly and happy. People always tell me, “You are so joyful!” If only they knew.
Women who are molested can either become frigid or promiscuous. 90% of all prostitutes lost their virginity through molestation or rape. I started off as an ice queen. Till I turned 23, I neither had a boyfriend nor slept with any man. I never even kissed any man. My friends and family thought I was the last virgin left on earth. At 23, I virtually became a scarlet woman. I had my first boyfriend. After him I started having one night stands. I dated a slew of married men. My sex partners thought I was a nymphomaniac because I was always hounding them for sex and I was insatiable in bed. Sometimes, I was stuck between being frigid and being promiscuous. I’d lure a man to bed only to be filled with hatred for him right in the middle of sex while he was happily thrusting away. I could not orgasm during sex. I’d get close then I’d stop myself because I was flooded with shame. The one time that I allowed myself to climax during sex, I wept uncontrollably. I could not have a stable relationship. The few boyfriends I disclosed my past to either run away or stayed and later got overwhelmed with my emotional ups and downs.
Last week, I started seeing a psychologist. I sat in his office and we talked about my past. At some point, I did not want to talk anymore because I was getting overwhelmed with feelings. He understood and rescheduled the session. I have decided to take it one day at a time. As Celie said in The Color Purple “I’m here”. Despite everything, I’m still here and that’s all that counts.
Were you molested as a child or raped as an adult? How has it affected you? Do you know anyone who was molested? How are they dealing with it? Have you ever dated someone who was molested?