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Reader Query from Anna Saskin: Shall my boyfriend and I have a threesome?

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My boyfriend and I toy around with the idea of a threesome. When we’re liquored up and lying languidly in bed after watching a film, the words come out that much more easily in between self-conscious giggles and the biting of bottom lips to keep from the giggling. It also helps that it’s usually dark and we don’t have to make eye contact. Neither of us have a problem with the idea per se. And neither of us feels it would mean our feelings for each other are any less genuine or deep. We’ve been together several years and are extremely close.

For a long time, the subject was a red flag in our relationship. This was due to a bungled group sex attempt with friends after a night out that left me cold. It was the most uncomfortable thing I could imagine happening and I sobered up quite quickly! The topic then became mired in the memory of how angry and humiliated the spontaneous but unwanted group sexual gaffe had made me feel. And so we didn’t discuss threesomes again for a long time. It took me a while to understand what had caused something so liberating to me in theory and fantasy with my boyfriend in our intimate moments, to clam me up so tight when the opportunity arose. Truth is, I am just not comfortable with friends becoming a feature in our bedroom activities under any circumstances. Even though everyone would be grown-ups making up their own minds, the thought makes me cringe to my core. Perhaps I don’t want those relationships confused. And perhaps I’m not at a point where I could forget something like that so we can all have dinner the next Friday! Or even worse, make it a regular thing like a games night! I could see this having a major strain on both my friendships and my relationship. Wanting a sustainable outcome and wanting to experiment did not go together in this instance.

Group sex for some of my friends is no issue at all. It would usually be a mixed group of men and women where no one has a significant other present and most likely does not have one. And I think that that distinction is important here. Because although I don’t very often have prudes for friends, there are levels of intimacy with their partners that they don’t want to share with others close to them.  I too have had a threesome with friends that did not involve my significant other. It was during a breakup phase earlier in our relationship that turned out to be a journey of sexual discovery I probably needed. The experience was as exciting and spontaneous as I had always wanted.

The issue then becomes, with friends off limits, how do we incorporate that element into our relationship now? We aren’t one of those brave and sometimes creepy couples who would approach some attractive woman at a nightspot and proposition her. We aren’t the type of couple who would get the services of a prostitute for the occasion either. This leaves very little room for this to happen at all, except through some amazing, preposterous twist of fate.

Is this something to ‘pursue’ at all?

15 COMMENTS

  1. Hmmm @Anna Saskin, this is a hard one (no pun intended) 🙂 I’ve chickened out of a threesome before but it still remains an experience I’m curious about, and one of these days I might just do it because…

  2. Anna Saskin, I think that whether or not you actually end up having a threesome will depend on 2 things: 1. finding a willing third party 2. becoming totally comfortable with the idea.

    On the 1st point. Finding a willing party isn’t easy. As you realize, this is not something that you can just ask a random person on the street about (although my friend & her bff run into a random guy on the bas in Paris who asked them if they ) So basically, unless you go on websites to find likeminded people/ couples examplw: swingers websites, websites for finding casual sex partners etc. (but be warned that psychopaths & other crazies use the web too! so you could end up with anyone basically) or unless you use a prostitute (which you don’t want to do) it’s going to end up being someone you know. & unless you’re ready to proposition someone either of you know, then I don’t see this as a viable option. You said you already engaged in a threesome without your boy. Where did you find the partners? Maybe you could use the same method to find a willing participant?

    On the 2nd point, I’m not completely sure how comfortable you are with the idea of having a threesome. I’ve noticed that oftentimes, when we ask others for advice about whether or not to engage in a particular relationship or sexual activity, then we’re not truly ready to engage in that relationship/ activity. Like recently, I had a lot of girl crushes & was asking friends whether to follow through (up until now, I thought I was straight). But I realized that the mere fact that I was seeking advice on whether to follow through meant I wasn’t convinced enough to go through with it! So why push myself? Although you said you engaged in a threesome once, it wasn’t with your boyfriend. Some people who have threesomes with their partners report feeling ‘jealous’ during the act. Could that become a problem for you? You stated that you had always fantasized about group sex but when you attempted it, you became so angry & humiliated that you & your boyfriend couldn’t even discuss the incident. Why was that? If there’s a probability of the same thing happening when you engage in a threesome then maybe you shouldn’t even ‘go there’

    Finally, if you don’t actually end up having a threesome, featuring your boyfriend, you can still fantasize about the idea & chat playfully about it etc. My ex & I used to talk dirty/ fantasize about having threesomes with hot chicks that we met or both knew. We never followed through with it but it definitely made our sex life very exciting & spicy! 🙂

  3. lol typo, my bff & her friend met a guy in Paris who asked them if they wanted to fuck. he said something like “voulez-vous me baiser” or something like that (it’s been 2 years since I’ve conversed more than 5 minutes in French so I’m sure I’ve got it all wrong lol)

  4. Ekuba,thank you for the well thought out comment. The threesome I had was with two guy friends I had always found attractive. That sort of just happened with no premeditation. And perhaps this wasn’t a good way of finding out if I get jealous, since the attention was solely on me in this case.

    In the attempted group sex scenario, I felt disrespected by the idea that I would share my boyfriend sexually with my friends. It didn’t feel like something I would just do without discussion and agreement. The presumption embarrassed me and made me rethink my signals in the relationship.

    Maybe you’re right about me not being quite sure how I feel about it happening with my partner at all. Will give it more time and space in the realm of fantasy for now.

    @Nana, we expect a post for any such activities on your part, lol!

  5. Almost everyone I have every known who’s engaged in group sex/threesomes have reported disappointment. In most cases it just didn’t live up to the fantasy and, like the author said, left them “cold” and unwilling to ever do it again. In the worst case I’ve heard, the person completely freaked-out and was quite traumatized. The very few positive responses involved drugs and/or alcohol (so perhaps that is the key to a happy event, if you’re willing to go that way).

    Threesomes are my go-to fantasy but I’m also very reluctant to do it. I think certain things might just be best left as fantasy. BUT, then again, you won’t know until you try. So I suggest you discuss it thoroughly with your man (the who, when, where, how) and also add some type of agreement regarding pulling the plug on the event if you begin to feel uncomfortable and want to stop.

  6. I think the only way I’d ever be able to engage in group sex is if I had no feelings for either party, whatsoever. I don’t think I could have a threesome with a boyfriend (or husband in my case, since I’m married) and/or share them with a FRIEND. Oh. Gross!

    This comment is not well thought out at all, btw. I am terribly conscious that an image of me and my grandmother is about to pop up over here (while I am discussing the topic of group sex) since this is my default WordPress avi.

    <---- Sorry, Gams!

  7. Gini. Thanks. I must admit the successful threesome I had involved alcohol as well. Not sure now actually if it would have been as seamless sober…
    I like your idea a lot about rules and having a safe-word to pull the plug if it just doesn’t work.

    Malaka LMAO. I know exactly what you mean. And in my case, the guys were my friends but very casually. We grew up in the same town and had known each other all our lives and reconnected after varsity. Totally different situation to a current friendship and current partner set up where there is complexity and emotional investment!

  8. Lawd GEEEEEZUS you wanna have whaaaaaaaaaaaat??? naughty naughty naughty girl now go back to your room and say your “hail mary’s and our father” until that thought runs away from you…lawd!! ouh lawd this girl got me out of the spirit for a moment, lady please join me in the busines of making you happy, one dick at a time! mouwah!

  9. If I was going to have a threesome, NO WAY would it be with two guys. It would make me feel like a spit roast and tap into those feelings of objectification that I loathe. Same reason I wouldn’t swing because it is called ‘Wife swapping’ for a reason. It denotes some kind of …choicelessness for me, in the matter. But I suppose your case was different because you’ve known both men for a while?

    And I couldn’t do friends either.

    This is why I am trying not to be too friendly with Nana Darkoa. I know she will end up on my bed one day. Somebody say hallelujah!

    I know I would probably have to take palm wine to Malaka first sha. And I know they will get together and scrutinise the kini afterwards. Ah, these women and their BFFFFFFFFFFFFFF ting. Now THAT is what would give me cold feet!

  10. Naa Adjeley, Adjovi and Sugar Bun. Yes. Two guys and cousins to boot. Judge away. All I’m saying is that they’re very attractive and alcohol did it’s work. Nnenna I didn’t feel objectified or uncomfortable. It was a feeling of literally being the sexiest girl on the planet. And I was a DIVA honey. Not sure if I’d do it again. After all those were very specific circumstances. And Sugar Bun, I have my ‘one dick’ thank you 😛 Haha

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