Perhaps this is a question for the Forums, however here we are! At the end of this, I would really like some advice for our sister from the Collective. Leave your comments o, abeg!
I recently had an Adventurer ask me for advice about how to improve her sex life. She said she didn’t know who else to turn to. I was flattered that a 24 year old singleton would ask me anything about sex sensuality at all. After all, isn’t great sex supposed to end when you’re married? (Oh the lies they tell us. *snicker*.)
Our Adventurer has a twin problem. Her longtime boyfriend is the first person she’s ever been sexually intimate with, and because she is the poster child for the “good African girl”, she has never experimented sexually with anyone else beyond first base, which involved deep kissing and heavy petting. Of course, as the conquering African male, her boyfriend on the other hand has led a sexually storied life, and has had all sorts of experiences with all sorts of women prior to them committing to each other. The duality of their problem is this: Their genitals are not compatible. He is well endowed and she is quite small. As I understand it, it’s like “pushing a watermelon through the eye of a needle.” Sex is not enjoyable for either of them. He is not turned on by her, and she can’t get into character because she’s over analyzing everything in the bedroom.
Our Adventurer has worked herself into a frenzy, wondering how long her boyfriend can wait for her vagina to “open up” – God that sounds so crass! – before he goes looking for sexual pleasure elsewhere. I feel for both of them…her especially. I get the sense that he is not willing to coach her and teach her how to be the sex kitten she wants to be and the one he desires. The other problem is that saint/whore dichotomy is at work here. While she has devoted her life to being the “good African girl” that every man professes to want to marry and show off to friends and family, she has devoted no time at all practicing the craft of ‘socially acceptable whoring’. (There is a certain body count that women are allowed before they are termed sluts…which is why women tend to lie about how many men they’ve slept with.)
I gave her some advice, and joked that I would research and consult the ancient scrolls to find more answers for her. After all, women have sought ways to please their lovers for millennia. We cackled as we decided that a whore training camp for wives and girlfriends was needed. Humph. Do you know my Google search yielded information for just a service? It is marketed to men who want their wives and girlfriends trained to be sex slaves and submissives!
The site featured gifs of women getting the sense fucked out of them, bound in chains with legs spread-eagled, staring obediently into the camera. The website’s detailed the fine points of the wife/girlfriend training course explaining how she would be trained 3-5 times a day with an expert trainer and spend her time with other females who were near successful completion of the program. Of course, there were no women of color featured. I mean, how?
There is where things get tricky for me. What lengths should a woman be willing to go to in order to please her mate? If his desires involve boot licking and total obedience, how much of a woman’s pleasure is being considered in this instance? Should a woman be comfortable sacrificing her dignity for a man’s preferences? Is it okay if this makes her “happy”? Somehow, I feel like I can’t let a sista go down like that!
Our Adventurer says she wants to be her man’s anaconda in the bedroom, and I applaud her for that. Who doesn’t want their man hot for her at all times of the day? You certainly don’t want him lusting after some other chick who knows how to work it in ways that cause him to go sniffing elsewhere. My concern is that she may go too far in trying to become that person. Where is the line? What avenues have or would you explore to become better in bed? What would you say to this young woman?