I hear what you are trying to express to me…even though you say it cannot be expressed in text or voice notes, except in actions and in person. I have known you for only a short time yet I have a huge amount of admiration for you. For your vision, passion, and commitment. I feel that you genuinely like me. And I don’t normally feel that level of ‘genuineness’ with men. Sure they want to fuck me, but genuinely like me, care about what’s going on in my life, and act/talk about me like I’m the best thing since maatoke and groundnut sauce? Most people (scratch that) most of my recent past lovers fall short on that score.
The distance between us doesn’t bother me that much. Although I wish we could be physically together to test out whatever this thing is between us. I know that I enjoy your company, that I really like you, and that I want to spend more time with you. I also know that in some ways I am emotionally closed off and pragmatic. Pragmatism and burgeoning relationships are not a good combo. Part of what I like about you is what I lack in myself. I can see within you a willingness to be emotionally vulnerable in a way that I admire yet is not one that I can allow for myself. You see I have been in this place before where I meet someone and I am totally into them, and a few weeks or months something changes. Something I saw as a small challenge in the beginning becomes in my mind a bigger challenge that I don’t feel I want to put energy into overcoming. It can be little things. And sometimes bigger things. In your case it’s your age. You’re a decade younger than me, and that’s completely okay when we are in a room alone talking and touching each other. But when we’re in a taxi and you pull me into your chest I sometimes wonder what the taxi driver is thinking, and if we get to a stage where our world know us to be a couple I would wonder what other people would think. I imagine my Mum raising her eyebrows when/if she meets you. She will be very polite to you. She will be genuinely interested in you as she is in all my friends, and she might never do more than raise an eyebrow but that’s something I am already thinking about. One of my more recent old lovers said, “I don’t have to meet your parents”. And he was right, he never did. But if you don’t want to meet my parents then you and I are merely fucking and everybody I fuck is disposable.
I really hope this letter is not going to put you off me because I really genuinely like you. I don’t need you to meet my parents but I guess I want to be able to introduce you to my parents if I feel that is something I want to do further down the line. At the same time, meeting my parents really meets something and nothing. In fact meeting my parents might be a bad idea. What if they like you and get disappointed if things don’t work out between us?
I’m really not sure what the point of this letter is. I guess I am just trying to express honestly to you how I feel right now. And maybe because I am scared of hurting you because I never want to do that. In a way I want to ask you to hold a part of your heart safe from me, and yet I do not want you to do that. My best friend says she admires how I can easily get involved with new people. And I can do that. I can do the long voice notes, skype chats and whatsapps. I can catch a flight to spend time with you. I can check in on you and support you in your dreams. I can be the person you can talk to when you need someone to listen to. I will be too quick to offer advice and solutions. That’s a weakness I am still trying to overcome. Can I allow myself to be completely emotionally open to you in the medium or long term? That’s a question that I cannot answer…for now.