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Sexing like a man

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“You’re like a guy who needs to have his pussy lined up,” said my best friend to me recently. She laughed and then corrected herself; in fact, women should also be able to have sex whenever they want to. Another friend also previously said, “The only women I know who have emotionless sex are you, Samantha from ‘Sex and the City,’ and the character based on her from ‘An African City.” Then there was my former male bestie who would often say to me, “you’re a bloke”whenever I disagreed with him about how women acted in relationships. In his view, my behaviour in relationships is not how women act ergo I’m a man.  So what does it mean to be a woman on the outside, but to have sexual characteristics typically associated with masculinity? In my case, it means to be a woman who has had a lot of casual sexual partners, who writes openly about her various sexual relationships (I am thinking in a way this could be equated to how men brag about their sexual conquests – although the goals for doing this are radically different), and who appears to be able to do all of this without falling in love with the people involved.

 

The points above can be easily disrupted. Hopefully all of you reading this know that women’s sexual behaviour is shaped by our socialization. I have previously written about how I didn’t have sex (read: consensual penetrative heterosexual sex) until 2 months before my 23rd birthday. In my teens I frequently heard stories about “Chale, I chopped that girl”, “She be Kaneshie mattress”, and I never wanted to be the subject of one of those tales. Preserving my ‘virginity’ did not save me from being the subject of a boy’s need to have sexual conquests. When I was 14 or 15, a boy I had kissed in the neighbourhood told my then boyfriend that he had fucked me in the gutter by my house. Perhaps I should have realized then that it doesn’t matter what your sexual behavior is, people will still say whatever they want to say about you. I am not convinced that women’s sexual behavior is inherently or radically different from that of men. The way society polices our sexuality is what makes our behavior different, or appear to be different. Understandably, most women will not blog openly about their sex lives, or indeed be open about the number of sexual partners they have had. Why would anyone want to do that when society is going to perceive you as a whore, slut or cheap. Cheap, as if women’s bodies are commodities on the open market, and the less that body has engaged in penetrative heterosexual sex the more value that body has.

 

Emotionless sex. Something men have, and women are unable to have. True or False? Well, emotions and life in general are not that simple. We can’t always check one of two boxes. Our world is not binary, even though our societies are structured like it is. I can think of so many of my fuck buddies to whom I definitely felt a deep emotional connection even if my actions did not give the impression that I did. No I wasn’t constantly blowing up their phones – unless I wanted some, I never weeped over them, or exhibited the kind of ’emotional’ behavior that some people seem to think is typical of women.  Yet I realized retrospectively that I must have fallen for my first significant buddy, because when I found out that he had ‘cheated’ on me, I was so upset that I cut off all contact with him, and even though we are both in many mutual social circles I didn’t speak to him or acknowledge his presence for at least 3 years. That’s some deep emotional ish. But emotions are not exclusive to women. Men also fall in love with women that they are only meant to be having emotionless sex with. And I think as a human being with blood, hormones and emotions coursing through your veins it is only to be expected that you will start to care for anyone you are frequently physically intertwined with. At the same time it is completely possible to have the occasional ‘zipless’ fuck where the interaction is completely about the physical needs of your body. And both ‘extremes’ can exist within the same person, except that’s probably not an extreme, but a mere reflection of the complexities of human desire and sexuality.

So yes, I’m like a guy who needs to have his pussy lined up…how about you?

Photography by Chika Oduah
Photography by Chika Oduah

13 COMMENTS

  1. very interesting piece Nana.
    uve brought out the truth. I agree with you on this issue. women can equal behave like men in the line of sex, irrespective of society expection of women.

  2. I think when I really want sex, I can be like a beast. But the problem is that I was caught up a lot (even thought it would be hard to admit this) in the ‘Madonna/Whore’ paradigm, where like you I did not want to be defined by the latter. So I put my beasty on hold. And it became a thing. I never let it out unless I trust you completely — and sometimes this trust is misplaced, in spite of all the caution that has gone into protecting the relationship/my self-esteem. It’s just hard to be honest. I hate how some guys can make you feel like you being yourself is ‘freaky’ or ‘intense’ as if you’re some bunny boiler. I’m sorry but I was here minding my own business and you came and touched me. Then you want to now control my response to the touching? You want me to lie there and pretend not to want it or like it? TFOH. Fuck me well or get the fuck out.

    And now I am married, so, no lining up anything. It is on tap!

  3. Sexing like a man… hmmm, I resent that term. However, men do play the role much better than their counterparts. The problem is that men will air their dirty laundry about who they have slept with, but women can keep their dirty laundry in the bin. No matter how far we have made it, we will never be able to behave collectively as men and thanks God to that because the world would be f@$#ed-up!

  4. @sey – Thanks for agreeing with me 🙂

    @Nnenna Marcia – Blessed are those who have dick and pussy on tap for they shall (hopefully) receive regular orgasms:P

    @Leslie – You know! I find it very annoying when I am told I do x or y like a man. WTF. I do it like me, and I happen to be a woman

    @Nnenna – Amen!

  5. I am an 19 year old girl who has been in a relationship with guys before. We tried everything but i simply couldn’t enjoy their intimacy. It took me a while but i have finally been able to figure out my attraction for girls. I just want to hook up with another girl and try stuff i have been dying to experience. Any help is greatly welcomed.

  6. I’ve had my fair share of emotionless sex(probably not as much as YOU, Sisi! LOL!) and it’s far tidier than getting all wrapped up in what is CLEARLY meant to be a short term interaction.

    I don’t know why guys insist on women having to tie emotions to sex. Oftentimes, I think we respond to sex with emotions because those are the cues we get from society, not because we’re hard wired that way. I remember once I’d gotten down with this one guy and he rolled over and said “I love you” when we were done. I just grunted and looked at the ceiling.

    “Don’t you love me too?” he asked.
    “Dude. NO.”

    He hounded me for days after that declaring his love. Finally, he said “Okay. You just tell me you love me, even if it’s a lie.” I was just looking at the phone. So guess what I did? I lied.

    Now, when we are all in our 80s or when he pens his memoirs, he will go about telling his friends how Malaka was once in love with him and they will all float him fans. *sigh*

  7. @Nana Akua – Thank you! You’ve finally inspired Malaka and I to figure out a way to help Adventurers who wish to meet/date like minded Adventurers…watch this space.

    So a tip for you – just casually ask a girl you fancy whether she has ever wondered about being with another woman…and based on her reaction you can either move on to the next person you fancy or find a way to casually ask if she wants to hook up with you one time. Asking works wonders o. Ask and you shall what?

    @Malaka – Herh! Are you slut shaming me 😛 Gerrout der.
    I’ve heard this your story before and it never fails to crack me up. Hilarious!!!

  8. @nana akua, we are culturally brought up to believe in heterosexual relationships and afraid 2try what we feel we need or is ryt 4us. I think you should go for it. I never had a relationship with a girl, I just experimented with one. We were both straight but we just wanted 2know how it felt and its something we never talk about but it has altered the way we think. You might actually have a great experience or relationship with another woman because she knows what you want to feel, how you want to be touched and where.Go for it!
    @nana darkoa, ur piece is exactly what I needed.
    @nennamarcia,u r sooooo right abt the how you try to stay tame and worry abt being a whore, yet the same society that judges us is busy hoping from one bed to another and no1 says anything about it maybe because its mainly men?? Once a woman is sexually adventurous, she is labelled a whore.”Deviant behaviour, is behaviour so labelled. ” kkkkkkk
    @all, once the mind is free from oppression and suppression, only then can we live with no shame for our actions and do what is right for us. Its not just political, its about sexing as well.

  9. @Malaka uk!….i had to try it many times to figure out what was not really working….lolx

    @Nana Darkoa thanks for the tip but the problem is the girl i fancy so much atm is seriously spiritus. She will definitely recommend a christian brother to aid me come out this ”crisis” (well, that was how she put it when i once discussed with her something about hooking up with girls ). Anyway, i guess i might develop interest in someone else with time… just scared considering the kind of girls i know…….still watching this space though

  10. @ Nana Akua… first of all, the LGBT struggle is REAL out here! I think its way harder than just asking as Nana Darkoa is suggesting, i mean, first of all, you dont want to end up with a messed up friendship and reputation (This is Ghana)and moreover, the circle is so small that it’s almost like playing pass the parcel (eww). I hate to sound pessimistic but the real truth is its hard to find someone “real”….chics these days claim they “Bi” because its the in thing and sounds freaky to guys. Ask them in their inbox about whether they have ever been with a girl, reply :nope i’m not into girls. On the bright side, lets see what Nana D and Malaka have planned

  11. I do not tie sex to emotions. I can have sex with someone ive got feelings for but I don’t have sex cos I’ve got feelings. The lesser the feelings the better. Oh! I don’t like to cuddle as well. So lay down the D and buzz off. I want to tweet and Snapchat so take your sweaty body off me. Cheers lol

    I’ve been accused of being heartless and emotionally unavailable but I just think they r hurt cos I’m not all over then sigh!

    I haven’t been here in ages! Fells good to be back reading!

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