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My sex and relationship goals for 2020

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An image of Nana Darkoa on her 42nd birthday
Me on my 42nd birthday. Image by my dear friend Renee Mboya

A year ago I asked you all what your sex and relationship goals were for 2019 whilst sharing where I was in terms of my understanding of my own sexuality, and my desire for relationships and creating family. It was interesting to go back and read that blog post and reflect on the difference between where I was then, and where I am now. At the time I wrote about my burgeoning interest in polyamory, and my plan to give IVF another go, whilst simultaneously exploring adoption. My people I am excited to say that I have updates for you.

Last year I decided that I wasn’t going to pursue any further fertility treatments. Once I truly listened to myself, I recognised that I did not have a desire to have biological children of my own. Instead what I had was a lot of fear about possibly regretting not having biological children once I had gotten to an age where that option was no longer a possibility. Making that firm decision felt very freeing. I went ahead to start the adoption process, and as of December 2019, I completed all the requirements needed by social services to apply to adopt a baby. Now it’s a waiting (and because this is Ghana, a somewhat ‘chasing/following up) game.

I’ve really started to explore polyamory more. Over the past 7 months or so I’ve been seeing E, a 28 year old man whom I met through a friend. Part of what is really great is that we both love to salsa, and in many ways our non monogamous relationship feels easy. We see each other whenever we want to (which ends up being every 2-3 weeks), we chit chat via whatsapp every couple of days, and I feel that he shows a real interest in my political work, and will show up at events I organise etc. Towards the end of last year, I also started a situationship with another E, a 24 year old woman, whilst that was really interesting, especially in the early days,  that relationship hasn’t quite taken off the way I thought it was going to. The situationship with E number 2 feels very much like its tapering off in a natural way which also makes me feel like I have room for another relationship 🙂 I would very much like that relationship to be with someone older. I don’t know why I seem to attract 20 something year olds. Actually I do. On one hand I think I have a ‘young at heart’ vibe, and so a lot of people read me as significantly younger than I am. I am 42 years old people! On the other hand, I feel like there are very few ‘eligible’ single 40 something year old men, and 40 something year old queer women in Ghana. Am I wrong? Slide into my DMs if I am wrong and you meet this basic criteria.

Me on my 42nd birthday! Image by my dear friend Renee Mboya

Anyhoo its time to set my sex and relationship goals for this year. Nadine, one of the co-founders of an Afrofeminista whatsapp group that I’m part of shared this exercise created by Ev’Yan Whitney posing a set of sex related questions. I’m going to answer a selection of these questions, but will also share the full set of questions in case you would like to answer them.

What kind of sex do you want to have in 2020?

In 2020 I want to have mindblowing, amazing sex. I want to have the kind of sex where my body takes over and my mind goes on holiday. Where I can feel everything, and all the sensations feel oh so good. I want to have sex which is mental and physical. I want to have sex that is fun. Sex that is funny – where I laugh out loud because we’re not taking ourselves too seriously. I want to have sex that’s adventurous, where we explore, gently test and push each other’s boundaries. I want to have sex enthusiastically. 

How do you want to feel when you’re having that sex?

I want to feel wholly in my body. I want to fully experience every touch, lick, tingle. I want to be present. I want to feel in control and out of control.  

What pleasure do you want to experience, explore, unlock, be curious about in 2020?

I’m curious about group sex. I want to experience another fun threesome.

What kind of relationship do you want to have to your body?

I want to have a loving relationship to my body. I want to feel gratitude for this body that I have. That it houses me, is relatively healthy and strong, and that it gives me lots of pleasure. 

And what will you do this year to make that happen?

I will shoot my shot more and not always wait for the other person to make the first move. 

Adventurers you know what I am going to ask you now don’t you? What are you sex and relationship goals for 2020. Feel free to share them with us via adventuresfrom[@]gmaildotcom if you are happy for us to consider posting them. I encourage you to ask and answer some of these questions for yourself even if you don’t want to share.

Happy sexing in 2020!

Full set of questions developed by Ev’Yan Whitney below

What kind of sex do you want to have in 2020?

How do you want to feel when you’re having that sex?

How do you want your partners to make you feel when you’re having sex?

What pleasure do you want to experience, explore, unlock, be curious about in 2020?

What kind of relationship do you want to have to your body?

What kind of relationship do you want to have to pleasure?

What kind of relationship do you want to have with your orgasm in 2020?

Where does your sexuality need to be healed? Where does it need to be liberated?

Where do you need to give yourself permission to feel, to be, to explore, to become who you want to be sexually in 2020?

And what will you do this year to make that happen?

1 COMMENT

  1. Ever since you, E & O introduced me to goal setting, I’ve been a believer! It’s so fulfilling to be able to look back on what one has accomplished over the course of a year…or what one can re-attempt the next. 🙂
    I love the loving the body you have goal. It’s one I’ve adopted as well.

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