Home Creative Non Fiction Getting your groove on in the time of coronaviruses

Getting your groove on in the time of coronaviruses

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An image of a woman admiring herself in the mirror

2 months without sex is usually the average gap I’ll have in between encounters when I’m not in a relationship or situationship. After 2 months I start to get angsty. I start to think about previous lovers, even those that I disregarded for very good reasons. I might even go so far as to whatsapp them, and that’s when I’m most likely to sleep with an ex, or someone that I only peripherally like. This March marks my 3rd month of unchosen abstinence. In January I hadn’t foreseen that this would be the case 2 short months down the line. At the time I felt exhausted from the hecticness of the Year of Return christmas season (OMG, how long ago does that seem now?), and all I wanted to do was centre myself, and get back into my book project. So I set off for Senegal for some R&R, and came back to continue a routine I had established in October 2019: Alarm goes off at 5:15am, start writing around 5:35am until 7:30am, take the dog for a walk or go to the gym, potter around the house for a bit, and start the day job at 10am until 7:30-8:00pm. This routine meant that I had to be really disciplined about my social life. This equalled not having a social life, or more accurately fun activities had to happen between Thursday night and Saturday night in order to ensure that I felt rested enough to wake up at 5am to write. This kind of schedule doesn’t leave much time for sex, or a relationship if you’re not already in one. This is where it would have been nice to have slotted Dr E into my Thursday – Saturday evening slot but he was busy sending me ‘Good morning’ messages instead of coming over to…nevermind.

Now, it’s peak COVID-19 season, so clearly the wrong time to start a relationship. A mere hangout with Mr Monogamous when he had a cold a week ago left me with congestion in my chest, and led to me waiting 7 hours for the results of a COVID-19 test. Thankfully the results were negative, but as someone who is asthmatic, and so has a pre existing health condition, I know that I cannot afford to catch this or any strain of the coronavirus, and so as horny as I am right now, I‘m doing my best to think with my head and not my clit.

Here’s how I plan to make it through the next month, or two, or however long we need to socially distance.

  • I put C cell batteries on my shopping list and got some the last time I went to the shops. My favourite vibrator at the moment is the Womaniser (a terrible name for a great sex toy), but like you all know, too much of a good thing gets boring and so the C cell batteries allow me to put my old Jessica rabbit back into play. I also have a bunch of other sex toys that I am going to clean up and put in rotation.
  • Sexting is back on the table! For a lot of people sexting can be quite dangerous. You never know when someone might choose to share your sexts or nudes with another person or the whole world without your consent. Last year, myself and other feminist digital activists took part in a Twitter chat around how to #CumOnlineSafely. I recommend you check it out, and also read this cheat sheet on taking sexy selfies.
  • Personally I’m planning ongoing beyond sexting to full on cyber sex. All I need is my trusty phone, and to connect via video to whatsapp or skype. Mutual masturbation can be very sexy, and doing it on camera is going to take things up to the next level. 

Now that I have a plan about how to get through the next few months I’m quite excited. Digital hoe-a-tion here I come!

Are you currently socially distancing? Are you partnered or single? For those who are partnered how do you think this period is going to strengthen or challenge your relationship? For those like me who are single, how are you planning to get through this period? Share your tips and strategies below, or submit your own blog post on this subject via adventuresfrom[at]gmail[dot]com .

3 COMMENTS

  1. Hi, please don’t laugh at me. I love rhum and kissing (among other things). So this morning, when one of my friends suggested “crêpes flambée” (I don’t know how to say that in English), it made my mind go rocket flying. I just thought of “tiebu jen flambé”, “pain beurre flambé”, peanuts flambés and even kisses flamed with rhum. I think confinement is getting on my nerves. Please all of you keep safe.

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