I met the man who would eventually become my husband when I was 24 and when I had a strict “no more than 5 years older” policy when it came to dating. I turn 40 this year. *Brian is 48. I made an exception because Black don’t crack and at 32 he didn’t “look his age”. We got married two years into our relationship and have three beautiful kids. We have the perfect family.
People are always telling us how lucky we are. To the outside world, we are not problematic. We both have good jobs, we treat each other with respect and we try to be supportive of each other’s dreams. The world inside of our bedroom is a different story. It’s a chaotic, dark, frustrating place. I often go to bed fighting back tears and wake up with a headache from the exertion from trying not to cry. The problems began a year ago, from my mark.
Even when we were dating, sex with Brian was never wild. It wasn’t something I was eager about or insatiable for. I would describe our lovemaking as “pleasant”. We had foreplay, I came, he came, we went to sleep. The format hasn’t changed in 16 years.
What has changed is his dick. It either won’t get hard – or when it does, won’t stay hard – and I’m losing my mind.
Brian has usually the one to initiate sex, something I attribute to my conservative upbringing. While I love, love, love having sex, I’m still not confident enough to bring it up first. In 2019, my husband confided that it bothered him that while he appreciates that I indulge in the act, I rarely initiate our lovemaking and asked if I would be more conscious of making a demand first once in a while. It would make him feel more “wanted”. I pushed past the discomfort and made deliberate efforts to get hot in the sheets – again with the same format, and new results. As in, he can’t keep it up.
As I write this, I struggle to find the words to explain how embarrassing sex has become for me. I have never felt so undesirable in my life. I straddle my husband and his dick is cotton soft. I give him hand jobs with no reaction. Last night I sucked him off until my jaw went numb and his cock actually shrank. It retreated. Turned into a cremini mushroom in my mouth.
I don’t know what to do or what to think. Is he gay? Is he sick? Is he thinking of another woman? I never imagined I’d ever be in this position and I don’t know who to ask for advice or what to do. Like I said, we are the “perfect” couple, and I admit that a part of me doesn’t want that perception shattered. It’s shallow, and I know it. I want Brian to be the one to open up and lead this conversation, but he refuses to even acknowledge that there is a problem. His resolution is to give me oral until I climax and then roll over to play Tetris on his iPhone when he thinks I’ve gone to sleep.
I don’t know how long I can keep doing this. I feel so alone. Can anyone else relate?