Last year I came to the realization that I wasn’t feeling my sex partners’ touch anymore. It was like I wasn’t present. I guess it was a way for my body to protect itself because although I had become compelled to let my partners know beforehand about the situation, I got the painful confirmation that most cishet men simply do not care and are focused on their own pleasure. To overcome this issue, I decided to wait before jumping into bed with new partners and get to know them better in order to feel more comfortable and make sure they respect and understand the necessities of my broken pussy. However, I miss not being limited to certain positions. I miss not being apprehensive about sex. Sometimes you just want to have sex without having to open up about your intimate illnesses and make yourself vulnerable before the first random guy you met on Tinder. If I wanted to be completely straightforward it would sound like this:
“Hey good-looking! So just a little thing. I have this condition called endometriosis and it messes up my uterus, my vagina and my digestive system. Yes,it’s awful and no, there is no cure. Of course, I want to fuck you but I am also anxious AF because I expect pain. Some positions are fine though! But I don’t know which ones exactly because it’s not like I could practice a lot to find out. Wait, did you know you don’t have to penetrate me? With your penis or even your fingers? We can have lots of juicy oral sex but I’m constantly bloated as a result of the endo, so um, I might fart on you while you go down on me. No it has never happened, but you never know. I’ve been told my head game is fire though. Shall we start? =) ”
Oddly enough, I’m still in the denial phase. After that rough cowgirl dream, I googled “endometriosis + dyspareunia + solutions” to see if someone found a cure overnight that would miraculously allow me to be pounded like fufu again. I google that often. They say hope is the last thing that diesaybe they are right. So far, I’ve found relaxation tips, book recommendations, position recommendations, pelvic floor exercise recommendations, a device that you put around a penis to prevent it from going too deep. Apparently, it can help with profound dyspareunia and it’s called the “Ohnut”. It sounds interesting but I don’t have a single penis on my hand these days to try it so, feel free to try it and let me know how it goes.
Obviously, I haven’t found a cure but my research today led me to discover that the only way to get rid of adenomyosis is to get rid of one’s uterus. Great. Super. Perfect. Wonderful. Amazing. This illness is like the gift that keeps on giving, isn’t it ? The only issue is that I hope to have biological babies one day and for that I need my uterus. But to be honest, potential future babies are the last of my concerns right now. Apart from the pain, the body shame this illness creates and the loneliness it puts me through is what affects me the most. I don’t know if you noticed but when you’re an adult, the only way to have physical affection is almost exclusively through a romantic or sexual partner. If you don’t have one, well, too bad for you, take it to the altar. Plus, I don’t know anyone else that suffers from endo in real life so I cannot get moral support. Most importantly, it puts a barrier between me and potential romantic or sexual partners. It prevents me from experiencing basic physical human pleasure and affection. I must admit I am angry at my body for turning against me during the years of my life that were supposed to be the best ones, the Hoe-est ones. So here I am once again, crying about my pussy and I don’t think it will be the last time.