Happy New Year! We’re already off to an amazing start to 2021, huh? As of this writing, we have a new variant of the COVID-19 virus (because the 19 edition is sooo passe), the Capitol Building in the USA has been stormed by pro-MAGAs and Ghana’s parliament descended into a near brawl. All this and it’s just a week in! While we can’t control any of those goings on, the good news is that we as African women still have the power to affect change in the realm of our personal pleasure. It’s that time of year when we get to chart our goals for sex and pleasure!
I feel embarrassed to admit this; but I was not particularly interested in sex last year. (I mean, it’s my JOB to be interested in the topic.) I attribute this to the pandemic and all the accoutrements that kept coming with it…even while I was not. For 2021, I’ve resolved to do better by addressing five key areas of carnality. In no particular order:
- (Re)Turn my bedroom into a Den of Desire
In my living situation, I have a husband and share a bedroom with said husband. The assumption is said living/sleeping situation is that there would a fair bit of sex happening, since there is a generally willing partner just inches away night after night. That was certainly not the case for me in 2020.
Upon reflection, I’d say we had sex twice a month…once every other week. They are several reasons for this, but one of the most glaring is due to the nature of my bedroom itself. Though we have a fairly large home, it does not have a lot of practical space. Every member of my family has a workspace but me, so for the past 2 years I have been compelled to hold meetings and do my writing from my bed. And I don’t necessarily want to shag where I work.
In 2021, I am going to release my bedroom from the shackles of entrepreneurial drudgery and get busy in other ways.
2. Be more mindful and present during sex
I definitely attribute my absent-mindedness during sex to point number one. It’s hard to focus on what’s going on between your legs (or other crevices) when every aspect of your surroundings reminds you of a To Do list.
There are several mindfulness techniques that I’m interested in exploring. In the past, I have tried blocking out distractions, but that had the opposite effect of causing me to focus more on the distractions I was meant to be ignoring. Instead of focusing on thoughts (whether inviting or rejecting any), I am curious about breathwork.
I was first introduced to breathwork as a concept during one of our first Live! panels in 2020. If you missed it, you can watch it here.
Breathing is an involuntarily action. Something we have done from one nanosecond to the next since the day we were born. Generally, the action requires no thought…until you center your intention on it. By syncing your breathing with your partner’s you generate a great kinetic connection with them.
3. Expanding my Curious Sexual Mind
I turn 43 this month and I’ve been sexually active since my teens. Because of the longevity of my sexual experience (almost 30 years!) I had resigned myself – damn near convinced myself – that I know everything there is to know about sex (at least in theory) and there is nothing else to learn. Well, as the old adage goes: The wise (wo)man who know that s/he knows not is wise, but s/he who knows that s/he knows not is a fool!
Nana and I have been working on our soon-to-be-released podcast, and the interviews have revealed that I haven’t even scratched the surface of my pleasure potential. And this is a good thing! One should always have something to look forward to in life and in sex.
4. Falling in love with me – Or my body, specifically
Body image is something I’ve struggled with my whole life. I am in no way peculiar in that regard. Loving your reflection in the mirror is something that the majority of women report difficulty doing. Every year, I look back on my pictures and think to myself “Damn girl! You were hot just 365 days ago!” while pinching my rolls in dissatisfaction. However, the reality that in those previous 365 days I did not appreciate the body I find myself toasting at present.
Rather than being enamored with past versions of myself, I resolve to show more love to my current edition of my body and celebrate the work it puts in for me daily.
5. Take sex more seriously
Now, this is counter-intuitive for me because I have always embraced the lighter side of sex. And when I say “lighter”, I mean 99% of my sexual encounters have been a circus fun house. So much of the advice I have read over the years is that one should not make the act of lovemaking such a serious affair that I can say with confidence that I never have.
What does “serious” sex look and feel like? Would I enjoy it? Would my partner be interested in exploring that with me? What are the requirements? Perhaps I’ll put some graphs and spreadsheets on the ceiling to set the mood. …But then that’s counterproductive to point 1 of this list of goals, isn’t it? Shit.
Now’s the time to ask you, our dear Adventurers about your love and sex goals for this year! Are you feeling optimistic about your love/sex/relationship goals plans for 2021? What lessons did you learn from 2020?
Here is a further set of questions (shared previously) to get your creative and other juices running.
What kind of sex do you want to have in 2021?
How do you want to feel when you’re having that sex?
How do you want your partners to make you feel when you’re having sex?
What pleasure do you want to experience, explore, unlock, be curious about in 2021?
What kind of relationship do you want to have to your body?
What kind of relationship do you want to have to pleasure?
What kind of relationship do you want to have with your orgasm in 2021?
Where does your sexuality need to be healed? Where does it need to be liberated?
Where do you need to give yourself permission to feel, to be, to explore, to become who you want to be sexually in 2021?
And what will you do this year to make that happen?
Do share your coital aspirations in the comments, or if you’re so inspired, share your thoughts in an article!