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Discovering Myself After Experiencing Lesbian Bed Death

Written by Nyar Afrika

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Photo by Cindy Leah

Three years ago, I was in a relationship where my partner stopped having sex with me out of the blues. No explanations, no nothing.

At first, I assumed they were taking a break due to reasons known to them until we got to 4 months without sexual intimacy yet we stayed in the same place. That is when I became bothered and started asking questions I didn’t get answers to. Things got so bad for us that we stopped touching each other completely in the course of our relationship. We’d sleep in the same bed but flinch every time our bodies touched. I don’t know about them but when this happened, I’d feel so rejected because in addition to that, they’d also turn down my advances or completely ignore me when I asked for sex. I spent days trying to understand how we went from a completely healthy sexual relationship where we couldn’t keep our hands from each other’s bodies to not fucking at all. 

Several months of physical rejection finally saw me retreating back to my shell and starting to reject them too every time they wanted to touch me. This would happen because I felt like the only time they’d want us to have sex is when they wanted to and until then, I was to starve and wait for the next time I would be fed. This back and forth rejection saw us cheating on each other which led to our breakup in the end. I left that relationship a different person a hurt individual with shitty self-esteem. I had to cut total communication with them for over two years so as to heal completely.

We had our first sober conversation about why we broke up this year and out of the many things we talked about, discussed our lack of sex when were together. I straight up asked them why they stopped touching me when we dated and they told me I used to seem like I hated it back then. Their response actually shocked me because I never thought of it like that. To be honest, while in that relationship, I never had an orgasm at any point and it didn’t bother me because I didn’t know what an orgasm felt like until 2019. (God bless that stud ?) Talking about it as exes made me realize that we were just kids who didn’t know what to do and how to do it and therefore resorted to what we thought was best; protecting our egos.

Getting closure helped me let go after years of believing that their physical rejection was my fault, because that experience did a number on my self-esteem. After months of spending my days wondering if my partner actually loved me, if there was something wrong with me  or if I was actually the problem, I finally allowed myself to heal and embark on a new sexual journey that completely centered me as a sexual being and 2019 was that year for me. I had fulfilling sex, got my first orgasm, discovered how I tasted, what my scent was, what I loved, what I didn’t love and how to communicate about them while being mindful to my sexual partner’s feelings at that time.

This experience helped show me how much of a goddess I was but sadly, this isn’t the case for a lot of lesbian women who happen to experience the same but rarely talk about it or aren’t as open as me. Conversations here and there with a few friends got me realizing that mine wasn’t an isolated incident and that queer women, especially submissive ones go through this in the hands of their dominant partners who decide when they are to be sexed and how.

Writing about this hasn’t been easy for me but I promised myself to talk more about difficult topics that are sex and pleasure related in 2021. What has been your experience? Have you ever been in such a situation and if so, what did you do? 

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