“What the fuck, Dee? It is not even 7 am. Why would you wake me up? You know I was up late writing,” my best friend Gina cried in sleepy irritation after she picked up my call.
“I’m sorry, but this is an emergency!”
“What? Is someone dying?”
“Not yet, but I would probably be if we don’t fix this ASAP. We have a problem.”
“We?”
There’s a rustle, and I can hear her moving around, probably to sit up on her enormous bed.
“Yes, we,” I responded firmly.
“What happened?” she asked around a loud yawn.
I took a deep breath as my earlier panic started to return. “Remember the rose sex toy you convinced me to buy as a Valentine’s gift to myself? The one you and thousands of women have given raving reviews of?”
“Yes? Don’t tell me that you called me at 6:10 am to give me a review of a sex toy.”
I huffed impatiently. “Of course not. The problem is that I finally gathered the courage to try it out this dawn, and I can’t find it!”
Gina groaned. “So? Search for it.”
“It’s not here! That’s the problem. I think I accidentally sent it out with the Valentine’s Day presents I sent to my family.”
There was a long pause, and I could almost imagine her shaking her head before her voice came through again.
“I’m sorry, but could you repeat what you just said? I don’t think I heard right. For a second there, I thought you said you’ve sent someone in your conservative, prim, and proper-assed family a sex toy.”
I groaned. “That is why it’s an emergency!”
There was another short pause. Then, “Wait, you’re serious?”
“Of course I’m serious! Would you clear the sleep fog from your brain so that we can start thinking of a solution?”
As the enormity of my error sank in, my nonsense best friend burst into laughter.
“You…you sent…the Reverend and Reverend Mrs. a sex toy,” she managed in between bouts of laughter.
“On the bright side, who knows? It might loosen them up,” Gina continued, laughing.
“It is not funny,” I hissed.
“Actually, from where I’m standing — well, I’m actually lying down — it’s funny as hell. You know, they will probably not even know what it is. They might think it’s a piece of interior decoration,” she joked, laughing some more.
“Oh, fuck off. I didn’t call you to amuse you, I called you for help. I don’t even know why I bothered,” I groaned.
“How did it even happen?” Gina asked, perplexed.
“It was initially in a pink plastic bag, but I took it out and put it in a white plastic bag instead. I got distracted while I was putting together the packages and forgot that I had repackaged it.”
“You can’t be serious. Why didn’t you immediately separate it from the other gifts? I mean, you could have taken it straight to your bedroom.”
“I don’t know! I was initially going to wrap and unwrap it as a present from me to me on Valentine’s Day. That’s why it was in that pile. Then I changed my mind and then forgot that it was there.”
Gina snorted. “Imagine forgetting about your brand new sex toy.”
“This is all your fault,” I accused. “You’re the one who convinced me to buy it.”
She huffed. “Excuse me for wanting to introduce some pleasure into your boring life. Besides, I told you to use it for your pleasure. I didn’t tell you to buy it to spice up your parents’ sex life.”
“Ewww,” I groaned, “would you stop using my parents and sex in the same sentence?”
Gina just laughed. “I’m sorry, but this is too entertaining.”
“What did I do to deserve this?” I groaned. “Some people have supportive best friends, but I end up with a crazy woman.”
“You know that phrase ‘birds of a feather flock together?’ Your answer is in there somewhere,” she informs me unrepentantly.
“Ginaaaa!”
“Fine, fine. Let’s think about a plan of action. When did you deliver the gifts?”
“Yesterday. But I told them not to open them until this morning after breakfast.”
“Well, then, if you’re lucky, they wouldn’t have opened it yet. You can call them say…around 7 am and tell them that there was a wrong delivery, and the shop just informed you of it so you have to check the packages.”
“That sounds like a good idea, Gina, except that if I tell them that there was a wrong delivery, they would offer to open the gifts and check to be sure.”
“Hmmm…but well, if they do find your sex toy in there, it wouldn’t be your fault, would it? You can claim ignorance since the mix-up was the shop’s mistake,” she suggests.
“They’re smarter than that. There’s no way that they would believe that the same shop where I bought chocolates, perfume, and children’s toys also sells adult toys.”
Gina chuckled. “Well, if it’s a gift shop, they could cater for all kinds of gifts.”
I snickered. “I would receive a life lecture over my patronage choices nonetheless.”
Gina laughed. “At the risk of sounding too simple, why don’t you simply go over to your parent’s house and snatch the gifts back before they’re opened? You could use the guise of wanting to add more to it.”
“Unfortunately, I can’t leave here before 7 am. A client is picking up her dress at 7,” I told her.
“Oh. Now that you mention it, have you finished sewing my white dress? The one you promised to finish two days ago?”
“Focus, Gina! We’re trying to solve my problem here.”
She huffed. “In other words, you’re not done sewing it. Ghanaian seamstresses, SMH. Anyway, back to the issue at hand. Call your parents and find out if they have opened the gifts. If they haven’t, tell them to wait for you. Simple.”
I heard the beeping of an incoming call waiting to be answered, and my heart skipped a beat when I checked the caller and saw my mother.
“Babe, I’m in trouble. My mother is calling me.”
“Now?”
“Yes! Oh my god, they must have found my sexy rose.”
Gina laughed. “Calm down and just pick up. It could be something else. I’ll stay on the line.”
“Okay, okay.”
I took a fortifying breath and connected my mother’s call, putting Gina on hold.
“Mom!” I answered breathlessly. “Is everything okay?”
“How can everything be okay, Dee?” She asked, making my heart thump.
“What? Did something happen?” I asked in a small voice.
“I’m very disappointed in you, Delores.”
Oh my god, I sent my parents a sex toy, didn’t I? I thought miserably.
