When I found out about the lies from Lunar, it left me feeling very conflicted. I was pretty much frozen after I read her texts and kept replaying the scenario in my head over and over throughout the morning.
On one hand, I had never been on the receiving end of such deceit and betrayal, and I was naively dumbfounded that it could even happen. On the other hand, I was so attracted to this woman. My body and soul desperately wanted to be with her and knowing she was available only fanned my desires. She had promised to make up for her lies, and I really wanted to see her do so.
The rest of our journey would turn out to be me continuing to wait in vain.
As we sat together in the workshop room on the last day, I decided to completely ignore her as I mentally went over what had happened. In contrast to my mind, the atmosphere around me was upbeat and celebratory, and I couldn’t hold on to my anger for long. Eventually, I decided to write her a letter.
I stated the obvious and told her that her lies were not a healthy basis for any sort of relationship, but in the spirit of forgiveness I was willing to give her a second chance. Things would be an uphill battle from here and she would have to prove herself.
I was definitely right about the uphill battle part.
We had lunch together that day and reconciled things. We decided to give it a try as we both wanted to be with each other, and it would be a pure honesty policy from here on now.
We said bye to each other in a very sexy way; she ate me out and the passion and desire for each other was evident. I was still torn in my head as to whether I was making a mistake to pursue things with someone who by all accounts seemed to be a compulsive liar, but I was also undeniably attracted to her and borderline obsessed. I was sad to leave the workshop knowing it would be a few days before I got to see her again. In lesbian time, that felt like months.
The original deceit turned out to be the smaller of Lunar and I’s problems. As we got to know each other and kept hooking up over the next few weeks, it was clear that we were completely incompatible. These realisations were dramatic, emotional, and littered with a lot of amazing sex; making it all the harder to digest.
Though she kept up her end of the deal in speaking the truth, we turned out to have completely different love languages, and both seemed unable to budge and meet each other.
She turned out to be an avoidant, unable to verbally address our issues when they would come up. I realised eventually that this was a deal breaker for me, and I absolutely needed to be with someone that was a good communicator and expressive of their emotions. At some point I even had to block her on Whatsapp and banish all our communication to email, as conversations on the former would always devolve and end in bitter disappointment.
While I would continually ask her to verbally affirm me, both during sex and in our daily conversations, this was weirdly something she seemed completely incapable of. The more I asked, the less she seemed able to. She’d say it had to happen on her own timing, and I couldn’t force words out of her when I wanted them.
There were also issues with shows of affection and spending time together. Being an unemployed lover girl, I am happy to spend every day with my new lover; having sex, going on dates and falling in love. I acknowledge it might not be healthy, but it is still my instinct and desire. Lunar was the opposite. Very seriously employed and committed in many areas of her life, I felt like the least priority and had to prompt (borderline beg) for every interaction of ours to take place.
It was a turn-off for me to beg her for attention, but I also feared if I didn’t, we simply wouldn’t see each other. I bought her flowers multiple times and sent her loving messages in the hopes she would do the same, but that didn’t work either. It just wasn’t her instinct or her style.
She would ask me to be patient, consider her uber busy lifestyle, and know that things would slowly and eventually change but much as I’d resolve to, I couldn’t bring myself to do so. I wanted the actions and gestures NOW, and couldn’t help but read her inaction as simply a lack of love or desire on her part.
A lot of my love wounds and dysfunctional attachment styles were mirrored to me and brought to light throughout this dynamic. Relationships mirror our wounds; very clearly and emotionally. And we usually end up dating our own shadow.
In the spiritual sense, I knew that these things I crave were simply a reflection of my own wounds, patterns and things I needed to work on within my soul. I knew I had to affirm love for myself, whether or not it was shown to me in the ways that I desired.
I also recognised the dynamics of seeking love in specific words and actions as being patterns from my own childhood, and now I had met an adulthood twin flame to shine light on these lasting issues. In my dynamic with Lunar, I had switched roles from my previous relationship; I was now the chaser and she was running away. I was displaying neediness and unrealistically expecting my partner to change in order to accommodate my desires.
I struggled with the question of accepting someone and all their flaws, even when they don’t meet your expectations versus actually seeking for the exact thing you want (does it exist?) and not settling for one reason or another.
I also had to contend with the lust. To me, Lunar was the most attractive woman I had ever been with and our sex was the best sex I’d ever had. Being with her confirmed for me that I am indeed a lesbian, as I was entirely satisfied and attracted which I had never felt with a man.
This dynamic turned out to be proof of love not being enough. Not at all.
After several triggering fights where we both seemed unable to step out of our individual needs and characters to appease the other, we mutually decided to end things. Letting go would turn out to be the next challenge between us, as the magnetic energy and attraction hadn’t died down. Everytime we tried to get back together, the elements of unmet needs and not understanding each other’s perspective would re-appear, I would get triggered and we would fight again. Again and again.
I wonder why the universe would send me such a gorgeous goddess, who on the surface seemed to meet everything I wanted, but we turned out to be completely incompatible.
Maybe some answers can only be learned through experience and time. Time to heal the aches and sever the ties, harvesting the good and beautiful moments from this short and explosive relationship between the lunar goddess and I.
