Written by Ayanlowo Eniiyi
There’s scarcely a lesbian that hasn’t heard some variation of the tired old “you are not a real lesbian if you use a strap-on” argument. And honestly, what’s all the fuss about? This pleasure tool isn’t attached to a man, does great things for the cervix, and is capable of unlocking mind-blowing orgasms, provided you know what you are doing with it. Plus, let’s be real. Some of the funniest, although sometimes embarrassing, bedroom moments happen when a strap-on decides to do its own thing in the middle of the action.
Anyway, this article isn’t debating why queer women using strap-ons, despite not being into men and their appendages, is valid. Instead, we are diving into real, raw, and funny experiences of mostly Nigerian lesbians and some other queer people who have strapped up, as well as thoughts from those who are interested but hesitant to try it out. Adventures From The Bedroom of African Women is asking questions like, “How did the first time go?” “Was it fun, uncomfortable, empowering, or perhaps a combination of all three?” and “Does wearing a strap-on improve your relationship with your partner, or does it just add another level of enjoyment or something else entirely?” “In a relationship, what does it truly stand for? Is it control, pleasure, trust, or perhaps all three?” And many others. From unplanned disasters to unexpected lessons, there’s enough awkwardness, honesty, and laughter to unpack, so let’s get started!
First Experiences & Expectations vs. Reality
“Nobody Told Me There Were Options!”- Aisha
I used it because I was curious; I just wanted to know how a strap-on felt. Before buying, I wish I knew that there were different types, though. If I had known, I probably would have chosen a better one. For me, the strap gives off a dominant vibe; it feels like the person wearing it is in charge. Also, I wouldn’t say my experience was all smooth. At one point, it kept slipping out of the harness, and my partner was desperately trying to fix it without me noticing. Lmao, nice try, but I definitely noticed! To me, it is just about physical pleasure and not an emotional connection.
“Lube. Lube. LUBE!”- Tomi
My partner and I didn’t have a long discussion about it per se, but we did talk about our feelings toward strapping and getting strapped. We’re both verses and love exploring, so I knew we were on the same page the moment her eyes brightened when I brought it up. ??? At first, I thought my own wetness was all the lubrication needed, but boy, was that a lie! It was painful the first time, but we learnt quickly and got a water-based lube. For us, the strap-on enhances our love for sadomasochism and dominance, adding an extra layer of control and excitement. But of course, there have been some technical difficulties. One time, mid-action, the strap had the audacity to dislodge. My partner had to stop, take everything off, and reposition it while I lay there, knowing I had just lost three consecutive orgasms in that one frustrating minute. In the end, it’s definitely more about physical pleasure for me; I don’t feel emotionally attached to it since it’s not a part of my partner’s body. But if you are asking if it has changed our confidence level in the bedroom? Yeah, I’d say it has.
No Awkward Moments… But Also No Magic – Chinaza
Using a strap-on with my partner was a spontaneous decision; something just came up, and we decided to go for it. What I didn’t know beforehand was how much getting used to it would take. It’s not fully attached, so movement is pretty limited, which made it less comfortable than I expected. I don’t really see it as a tool for dominance unless only one partner is always the one wearing it. As for intimacy, it didn’t do much for me. It was more about physical pleasure, and even then, it wasn’t exactly a game-changer. It didn’t make me feel more connected emotionally, and it didn’t boost my confidence in any way. As for awkward moments, none really stand out.
It’s like Fries with a Burger: Take It or Leave It – Kemi
Using a strap with my ex was a mix of spontaneity, curiosity, and excitement. It wasn’t something we talked about at length before it happened; it was just something we had talked about when we first started seeing each other. A few months later, we thought, “Why not?” and decided to give it a try. What I wish I had known beforehand was that there are different types! I definitely would have chosen one that had penetration on both sides, mine and the person it’s being used on. To me, a strap-on is like the extras on a food order. For example, you get your favourite burger from a restaurant, and sometimes you decide to get chips with it, and occasionally you don’t. Sometimes, you even realise you don’t like fries with your burger. So, it is just meant to aid or spice up my sex life. I don’t need it to have a beautiful time, but it’s not a bad addition. As for awkward moments? Oh, absolutely. ? My girlfriend at the time wore it on our date as a surprise. We walked around for hours, and later, when I tried to tease her in the car, I shrieked because I felt a dick! I was like, “Wait a damn minute… what???” ?
When it comes to emotional intimacy versus physical pleasure, I think it depends on the people involved. I like the strap-on, but not for too long; I already love lesbian sex without it. Did it boost my confidence in the bedroom? No. But I will say it frees up your hands for other things. ?
A Hands-On Approach (Literally) – Kai
I bought a strap-on at the time simply because it was affordable, and my partner was open to trying it, so we went for it. One thing I quickly learnt? A proper harness makes all the difference. Going for a cheap one isn’t the best idea because it doesn’t stay in place well. Honestly, we were just experimenting, but since the strap was not good, I had to use my hand to hold it in position. Maybe if I had invested in a better one, it could have added something deeper emotionally, but with what I had, it was mostly just awkward logistics.
On the Fence, But Peeking Over Category
Curious, But Not Convinced – Yetunde
Yes, I’ve been curious about trying a strap-on, but I’ve not tried it because of some reasons. First, they’re expensive, and I don’t want to spend money on something I might not even enjoy. There’s always that fear that it just won’t feel good for me. Plus, I still bleed when sex gets rough, so that’s another concern. One of the biggest misconceptions I’ve heard is that lesbians who use strap-ons are “fake gays” or secretly into men. I completely disagree; people can enjoy penetration and still be bi, pan, or lesbian.
If the Right Partner’s Into It, Why Not? – Oluwaseun
Yes, I have always had a little interest in it, but the partners I have been with didn’t show much excitement in wanting to try, so I have not had the experience. If and when I do find a partner who is very interested in this experience, then I’ll surely give it a try. The most common misconception I have heard about strap-ons is that “queer couples who use them tend to cosplay straight couples” because their own sexual orientation and experience don’t satisfy them enough. I do not agree with this view, and I believe that trying out a strap-on as a queer couple only means you’re open to more experiences, and there should be no limitations whatsoever.
