Written by Nobuhle . N Nyoni
After Ropa left Sphe’s house, they never talked about their sexual encounter. They both felt the shift in their relationship but didn’t know if it was worth the conversation, so they pretended it didn’t happen. Their hugs were awkward, and they couldn’t look at each other naked anymore. It felt like a replay of Adam and Eve after eating the apple. The attraction was undeniable, but they knew what pursuing anything of that nature would mean for them.
Mandla knew something was wrong but couldn’t put a finger on it. Sphe would brush it off and low-key gaslight him into believing nothing had changed between Ropa and herself. He eventually let it go. It wasn’t his cross to carry. After all, he had the girl of his dreams right next to him. He switched his focus to her. Honestly, the distance between Ropa and Sphe left a big enough gap for him to fill, which he liked.
For weeks, Sphe would drift away in her room whilst thinking about the day she experienced better orgasms than the ones she gave herself. She could still hear Ropa’s moans and feel her hands touching her body. Every time she thought about it, she got wet and wanted to call Ropa and do it all again. But she was torn between her best friend and her boyfriend. How would she explain that to anyone?
‘I feel like a fraud. I want to experience and explore this thing with Ropa, but I can’t. I move around pretending to be heterosexual whilst hurting the girl I love. But loving her means that I would break the heart of the boy I like. There isn’t a single scenario where I would be entirely happy without hurting someone.
Unless, of course, they both don’t mind sharing me like that. Is that a selfish desire? I would have the best of both worlds, but what would they have? I know I would get jealous if either of them decided that they also wanted to be with someone else whilst with me. Yep, that checks out. I am selfish.
I don’t know what to do. All I know is I want to kiss Ropa and Mandla. This situation is messy, and I created it, as always. I am a danger to myself.’
Her thoughts were interrupted by her Mom calling out for them to leave. It was time for another therapy session, and she wasn’t sure what to tell her therapist this time. Where would she even begin?
Sphe’s mother worried about her daughter because she could tell Sphe was distant. She thought it was because of the fight she had with her husband, but she was wrong. She struggled with guilt because, indeed, she had decided to leave Sphe’s father. She had caught her husband cheating one too many times and was emotionally withdrawn from her marriage. She had tried for years to be the ‘good’ wife she was taught to be, but it never seemed enough for him. She had nothing left to give him.
At her bridal party, Sphe’s mother was told to prepare for the days when her husband cheated. They told her it was inevitable, and she had to sit through it. And she had, but she didn’t want to anymore. She didn’t want to set this example for her daughter. It was toxic. She knew divorce was the right thing to do but wondered if it would ruin her daughter. On some days, she searched for the good in the marriage to convince herself to stay. She found the good, but it was quickly washed away by the tears she had cried because of what Sphe’s father had done.
Her mind always went back to the day she had left the house for Sphe’s school event because he said he had some business to take care of and couldn’t make it. The programme was supposed to be 3 hours long, but they finished much earlier than expected. The students were to remain and enjoy the festivities, and parents could stay or leave. Sphe’s mother chose to leave early. She was shocked to get home and find her husband’s car parked. He wasn’t supposed to be home after all.
“Maybe he finished earlier than he expected,” she thought.
Sphe’s mother walked into her kitchen and could hear more than one voice. It was clear the second voice was of a woman. She took her heels off and followed the voices. There was her husband in Sphe’s bedroom with another woman. The door was wide open. Consumed by pleasure, they did not see her standing at the door. She watched her husband give this young woman back shots. She watched him spank her butt cheeks and heard her moan his name. When the woman said, ‘Right there, don’t stop,’ she didn’t stop them either. She just watched.
Tears didn’t fill her eyes, but rage did. Her husband said, ‘Baby, I am cumming. I am cumming inside you,’ before moaning in a way she had never witnessed before. ‘Daddy, rub my clit; I am almost there,’ the woman demanded. He obeyed whilst fighting for breath because he had just ejaculated. She moaned loudly and called his name as she came. Her husband collapsed on top of this woman and kissed her back. Sphe’s mother turned around and walked back to the kitchen.
She quietly prepared snacks and set the table for three. She felt empty. Her heart was not giving her anything else other than anger. She thought she needed the tears to at least release, but nothing came. Thirty minutes later, they came out to find her sitting at the table. Blood drained from their faces.
“I made snacks. I thought it would be great if we all met,” Sphe’s mother said with a smile.
She didn’t know where the strength had come from but was grateful she had it. The young woman darted for the door, but Sphe’s mother had locked the doors and put the keys away. There was no escape for either of them.
“Why are you doing this, Nto?” Sphe’s father asked, calmly.
“I could ask you the same question, husband.”
“I am sorry. It’s not what it looks like. I promise you, Nto,” he responded.
“It looks like you took your girlfriend to our daughter’s room, stripped her naked and gave her back shots on our daughter’s bed. It looks like you ejaculated in her without a condom whilst taking demands from her. It looks like you chose this baby girl over your daughter. Am I right, Daddy?”
“I just wanted to respect our matrimonial bed,” he replied.
Sphe’s mother laughed and said, “Respect? You not only disrespected me, but you disrespected your daughter, our home and our marriage. You have disrespected yourself.”
She turned to the young lady and said, “I hope you understand that what he is showing you is not love. He has disrespected you, too. He has made you promises he won’t keep. I know because he promised me the previous girl would be the last, and here we are. This affair may be a thrill, but it isn’t worth it. You are beautiful, and I bet you are smart. Find a thrill that sees you as a human being who deserves love and respect.”
She took out the keys and put them on the kitchen counter. Sphe’s father could barely look her in the eyes, but she knew it meant nothing. It used to be his way out. She thought the shame was real and would cause him to repent, but it fizzled away after some days. Her tears had not saved him from his ways, and nothing would. She went and took off all the sheets from her daughter’s bed. It was her favourite bedding, and now she had to destroy it.
She threw them in the washing machine and covered them in bleach. She used enough bleach to destroy the bedding because she needed an excuse for buying new bedding. She took the mattress off Sphe’s bed and dragged it to the garage. As the laundry was running, she left for the mall. She was disgusted by the idea of her daughter lying in the bed that her father had cheated on. It was only then that she fell apart. Tears finally streamed down her face. She knew she was tired and had to find the strength to leave. But who would she become if she wasn’t his wife?
When Sphe walked into the waiting room, she was shocked to see her father sitting in there.
“Dad, what are you doing here?” she asked.
“Your parents will be joining us today, Sphe,” Dr T said from behind her. “We can all go in now.”
Sphe didn’t understand what was happening. Last they spoke, she had not asked for a session with her parents.
‘I shouldn’t have written about them in that letter. It is my fault they are here. Now, I have to talk to them face-to-face, and I don’t think I am ready for that. Why would Dr T do this to me? She said I would be the one to ask for a session when I am ready. And I can guarantee you I am not. I just wanted to figure out my feelings today, not be in an intervention with my parents. When will the sun shine on me again?’
Sphe sat with her arms crossed as if that was enough to protest what was happening. Her mother sat next to her on the couch, and her father took the occasional chair. She stared at the black line in the painting until she started to see more than one. She was dreading the hour that she was about to have.
“Well, welcome, everybody. I am happy to have you all here and hope that this session will be helpful. Sphe, I know you were hoping to sit down with me, but your parents requested a joint session today. Is that okay?”
Sphe nodded her head. She was annoyed, but there was nothing she could do about it. They were all in there, and she wanted to know why her parents requested a session.
“Mom and Dad, this is your first time in a session with Sphe. I have one rule when it comes to family sessions. Let the other person fully express themselves without interrupting. You may grab a pen and a writing pad from the table if you think you will forget your point on a specific topic. Jot it down and wait your turn.
The point of sitting down together is to understand one another. I trust you all to be respectful and open to the process. We can proceed now. Mom, Dad, who is going first?”
‘What is happening here?’
“I will,” Sphe’s mother said. “Sphe, your father and I love you very much. You are an amazing child who has brought us so much joy. You are intelligent, funny and creative. We see you for who you are,” she choked as she held back tears.
‘They are divorcing, aren’t they?’
“Your father and I are here today to tell you that we have decided to get a divorce. Sphe, this is not your fault. We fell out of love with one another, and that is all there is to it. As your mother, I am begging you not to carry this as though it is your fault. I could see you distancing yourself in the last couple of weeks, and I know this was what you feared. I am sorry for letting you down.”
Sphe had tears running down her face. She could hear her mother but couldn’t believe what was happening. She felt stupid for focusing on Mandla and Ropa whilst things were falling apart right in front of her. She partly believed that if she had seen it, she would have done something to save her parents’ marriage. She didn’t understand how deep the pain ran, especially for her mother. Sphe sobbed in her mother’s arms.
She looked up at her father, and for the first time in her life, his head was hanging low. She had always known him to be a confident man who kept his head up. Except for when he was dozing off on the couch and claiming he was still watching the news. Sphe’s heart broke for him and it confused her because she didn’t have a relationship with her father. Yet she still wanted him to be there as her father.
“Mom, he only cheated once. Can’t you forgive him? It was a mistake, right, Dad?”
“Sphe,” her mother softly said as she brushed her shoulder.
“Right, Dad?”
From the expression on his face, she could tell that he couldn’t bring himself to respond because his options were to lie or admit his failures to his daughter. She looked at him, waiting for a response, and she got nothing.
Sphe turned to her mother and asked, “Was it more than once? Have I been in the dark all this while? Mom?”
Her mother looked away because she could feel her anger rise once again at the thought of all the women her husband had cheated on her with. It angered her that even when she wasn’t digging for his infidelity, it found its way to her.
“Sphe, this wound is still fresh for your parents. It’s hard to talk about things when they still hurt. You understand that, right?” Dr T interjected.
“I understand, but I just want to know whose fault it is. From where I am standing, it seems to be Dad’s fault that all this is happening,” Sphe retorted.
“I am sorry, Sphe,” her dad expressed.
