Written by Nobuhle . N Nyoni
“What are you sorry for, Dad? For barely taking the time out to get to know me as your daughter or for breaking Mom’s heart? I have tried to do everything right, yet you struggle to compliment or acknowledge me. But when I make a mistake, you are quick to point it out, especially if it costs you money. That’s all that has ever mattered to you: the money you make and lose through me. It’s like my existence bothers you,” Sphe yelled.
“Sphe, breathe. I understand why you are upset. Change is scary for everyone, even your parents. This divorce is going to be an adjustment for everyone.
You just acknowledged your mother’s heartbreak. And I want you to know that sometimes it is hard to stay where you have been burnt. Why would you want her to forgive your father and stay when she is hurt?”
“I don’t know,” Sphe replied.
“It is a fear of change. Divorce is heartbreaking for everyone for different reasons. We have to remember that. It is a change that applies to each family member. Dad, do you want to say anything?” Dr T asked.
“Uhmmmmm. I am sorry, Sphe. I know you are disappointed and hurt, but just like your mother said, this is not your fault. I apologise for not taking the time out to get to know you. You are not a bother to me. I do love you. And Nto, I am sorry I hurt you. I truly am.”
Silence filled the room. Sphe’s mother had no expression on her face. She had learnt how to wear that face over time. Sphe looked for answers in Dr T’s eyes, and she found nothing. There were 15 minutes left, and she wanted them to tick away faster.
“It seems nobody has anything to say. Mom and Dad, thank you for coming in. I would like to use the remaining time to speak to Sphe.”
“That’s okay. Thank you, Dr T,” Sphe’s mother said.
When the door closed, Sphe said, “Who do I become now that I have failed at being a daughter? My existence was not enough for them to want to stay together. It was not enough for Dad to stop cheating on Mom. What is my role in their lives, Dr T?”
“Your role is to be a child. It was never to be their glue. Before this, you were meant to be yourself, so become you.”
“I hate this,” Sphe responded.
“I know, and I am sorry. You are going into a season of grief, and it is going to suck. There will be days of anger and days of acceptance. Allow the process to take its course. I trust you to handle your feelings with grace for your parents.”
“Thank you, Dr T. I don’t feel better, but it helps to know that I am not crazy for feeling the way I do right now.”
“You are welcome. If you feel like coming in earlier than our usual sessions, tell your Mom, and we will find a spot for you. I will see you next time, Sphe,” Dr T said as she placed her notepad on the table.
Sphe walked out and hoped to find her father gone, but he wasn’t. Her mother was the one who had left. She looked at him with dread. What would she say to him? Why was he the one waiting for her? She led the way out of the doctor’s office without saying a word. She forgot that she had no idea where he was parked. She just kept walking.
“This way, Sphe,” her father directed.
She turned around and followed him. She felt her head getting hot as she followed him. She failed to control herself and found herself charging at him, screaming. She started punching him with rage, tears burning her cheeks. Her father pulled her into a hug and felt his daughter’s tears stain his shirt. He couldn’t find the words to comfort her, so he just held her until she stopped fighting.
He had felt regret in the past when his wife caught him and expressed hurt, but in this moment, he felt something deeper than regret. It was self-hate he felt. He acknowledged that his actions had led to his family falling apart. When she said it was his fault, she was right. He wanted his daughter to feel safe again, and he knew there was very little that he could do. He had broken her heart. She was going to live with this pain forever, and he couldn’t change it.
“I am sorry, Dad,” Sphe whimpered.
“No, Sphe, I am sorry. I am sorry I hurt you.”
“Are we going to be okay?” Sphe asked.
“Yes, we are,” her father replied.
They pulled away from each other and walked towards the car. As soon as they started moving, Sphe fell asleep. She was exhausted from all the kicking and screaming she had done. When she woke up, she was lying in her bed.
‘How did I get here? I guess I fell asleep, and Dad brought me up here. Oh my, Mandla must think I am ignoring him.’
She picked up her phone to find three missed calls and some messages from Mandla.
Hey babe, are you okay? You haven’t said a thing all day.
I am getting worried about you. Send a period, at the very least.
I just tried to call you, and you aren’t picking up. Is everything okay?
It made her smile to know that he cared enough to try and check in on her.
She typed: ‘Hey, loml. I am sorry for the silence. I had the longest day ever. I went to therapy as usual, only to find it was a family session. My parents are getting divorced. I can’t explain how I felt, but I did so much crying, kicking and screaming that I fell asleep on the way back home. I just woke up. Thank you for checking on me. If I didn’t know better, I would think you liked me.
As soon as he read the message, he called her back.
“Baby, I am so sorry,” was the first thing Mandla said when Sphe picked up the phone.
“I want to say it’s alright, but it is not. I am hurt and confused. It turns out my father has been cheating for a long time. I assume so because when I said it was a one-time mistake, neither of them acknowledged it.”
“Yeah, I understand. It will take a while to get used to. Therapy helped me understand that whatever happened had nothing to do with me. My parents made choices I have to adjust to,” Mandla replied.
“Honestly, I don’t want to adjust. But you are right; I don’t have a choice. Enough about me. How was your day?” Sphe asked.
“It was lonely without my girl. But I do have some good news for you.”
“Oh, what is happening?” Sphe asked excitedly.
“I am hosting a birthday party next weekend and would like you to come. Most people from school have RSVP’d. It will be fun. Please say yes.”
“You have a birthday? That gives me the ick!”
They laughed at her silly joke before she agreed to attend his birthday party. When they got off the phone, he sent her the invite, which she went and showed her Mom. Her mother granted permission and a budget for a birthday gift. She was so excited to hang out with him. Only then did she remember Ropa. She had not spoken to her all day, either. She wondered if Mandla had sent her an invite as well.
She messaged her friend to catch up, but there was no response. She decided to take a shower as she waited for the reply. When she got out of the shower, Ropa had still not replied to her messages even though she had read them.
‘Do you think she hates me? I don’t understand why she won’t respond to me. We were fine most of the week. Yesterday, we walked home together, and everything felt normal. I do not understand why she is ghosting me. Calm down. Maybe she is busy and can’t type right now. Maybe her hands are cramping, and typing is hard right now. Should I call her? Omg, what did I do to her?
I guess things did change after our encounter. Maybe Ropa has been waiting for me to say something that solidifies us. She has to know how difficult that is for me. I just got into a relationship with Mandla, and she knows I like him. I already feel bad for cheating on him with her.
I am such a hypocrite. I scolded Dad for cheating, but we were cut from the same cloth. I am just like him. A monster.’
She spiralled into self-hate once again. She curled herself into a ball and rocked herself back and forth. She repeated the words ‘I am sorry’ to herself. She felt horrible for sleeping with Ropa and fantasising about it for days after. She felt even worse for putting her friendship and relationship at risk. Her mind took her through all the worst scenarios. All of them ended with her heartbroken and alone. She wished she could undo it all. She had started drifting into sleep again when her mother called out for her. She forgot that she still had to eat her supper.
It was just her and her mother at the table, their new reality. She would always come out to eat, and there wouldn’t be a grumpy man hiding behind a newspaper waiting at the table. Her mother didn’t care who dished first, so there was that. The television had some music playing instead of a sport or the news. The only constant was the silence at the table. It was a different type of silence on this night, though. It carried questions and apologies.
When Sphe wiggled into bed and checked her phone, she only had messages from Mandla. She gave up hope for a response and continued chatting with Mandla until she fell asleep. The weekend went by so quickly, and Sphe was anxious about seeing Ropa on Monday. She wasn’t sure what to expect from her when she saw her.
