Written by Precious Nwosu
Growing up, many of us were taught to extend kindness and empathy to neighbours and strangers as a way of life. Think of the Good Samaritan from the Christian Holy Bible. Think of moonlight stories about the poor orphan who helps an old lady and is rewarded the next day. As a result, phrases like “Are you okay?”; “You need help”; and “You need to talk to someone, please, be calm” subconsciously become ingrained symbols of thoughtfulness and consideration. Things you say because you genuinely mean well.
When Care Language Becomes A Weapon
But, like so many things that sound good on the surface, this language has also been weaponised. Advocates say phrases like, “Are you okay?” “You need help. You should talk to someone.” These can function as a subtle silencing tactic, shifting focus from what was done to a woman to what is supposedly wrong with her. It has been used time and time again to dismiss women’s outcry and the need to be heard.
Mental illness exists, and mental health care isn’t inherently abusive. That is not the core of this article. That’s not why we are here. We are here to examine how its language can be misused to undermine women who speak about harm. We are also here to break down and scrutinise how women’s mental health is being used as a weapon to shut them up.
Outside of public scandals and dramatic portrayals, it plays out in simpler, quieter and more familiar ways. For many women, this occurs in private conversation and events where their complaints are dismissed as hysterical and an evaluation of their emotional state, focused on the reaction of anger towards the attack rather than the person doing it. “You’re overreacting; perhaps you should just calm down.” “You know you’re often forgetful, so you might just be mixing things up.”
Several studies document this. For instance, a study of women’s social networks finds that reactions from friends and family members are not always supportive. It showcases that some responses can be dismissive, unintentionally undermining a woman’s ability to frame her experience as abuse. What becomes concern suddenly becomes control, and at the end, her distress is questioned, which might stop her from seeking help.
Behind these statistics are real women whose lives are shaped by these responses. For some, a single dismissive comment is enough to erase their truth entirely. One woman, who asked to be identified as Peace to protect her identity, described how quickly her account was dismissed after she spoke about being sexually assaulted. According to her, the response was not concern but suspicion. “When I tried to explain what happened, his friend said I must have been drunk, and I just needed to ‘calm down and stop making this up,’” she said. “It didn’t matter what I said after that. Once that was said, it was like my version of events no longer counted.”
Peace said it was only after a recording surfaced, in which the man involved admitted to the act, that her account was taken seriously. “That was when people finally listened,” she said. “Not because I spoke, but because there was proof.” Her experience illustrates how easily assumptions about a woman’s state of mind – whether intoxicated, unstable or distressed – can be used to undermine her truth.
This is not only familiar to Peace. A Reddit user, while advising others, shares how repeated dismissal made her doubt her own abuse: “If you are in an abusive relationship, chances are you have been gaslighted to the point of not trusting your own judgement anymore. You may have sought out others to help you confirm what you see and feel and they may have dismissed your feelings…. I believed I was crazy and that I was problematic and delusional.”
When Mental Illness Is Fabricated To Control Women’s Bodies
Mental health issues are also fabricated and manufactured by abusers to shut their victims up. The logic: If people think she is crazy, they wouldn’t believe her story. We see this in high-profile cases and dramatic portrayals. A cultural classic example is displayed in Apple TV+’s The Buccaneers. Jinny St George’s husband, James Seadown, repeatedly reframes her distress as instability, positioning her as unwell, sends her to a psych and withholds her son as punishment when she resists his abuse, a reminder of how claims about a woman’s mental state have long been used to silence and control her.
Now, while the show is set in the 1800s, and the series is fictional, its logic is rooted in history. For centuries, women who challenged male authority risked their resistance being reframed as illness. A husband could have a wife declared unwell and confined if she challenges his behaviour with the guise of “she doesn’t know what she is saying anymore”, “ you need help”, or “you don’t mean it.”
Psychological research into perpetual strategies such as DARVO further highlights how abuse is carefully curated into painting the abuser as the victim and the victim as the abuser.
When Mental Health Is Used Against Women
A study published by The University of Sydney reads that some domestic violence perpetrators use a woman’s psychiatric diagnosis as a tool of abuse. For example, as a form of gaslighting to reduce her sense of self-worth or to convince her she won’t be believed if she discloses the abuse.
It gets worse and scary, honestly, because the truth is hardly accepted from those with mental health issues. In fact, psychological research describes a phenomenon called mental health weaponisation, where abusers exploit a partner’s mental health history, accusing her of being “crazy”, emotionally unstable, or non-credible to undermine her and maintain control.
Together, these findings show that mental health can be used as a weapon in the hands of abusers, turning concern and care into a tool rather than support.
What Then Can Be Done?
As the popular saying goes, you can’t throw the baby along with the bathwater. That would be disastrous. The solution is not to abandon concern, therapy, or mental health care. But it’s to recognise when it’s been weaponised to quiet the voice of the abused.
Family members and friends should also always give the benefit of the doubt and not be too quick to dismiss or diagnose before listening. It means genuinely caring for what happened before questioning how she reacted. Distress, confusion, or anger are not evidence of deception; they are common responses to trauma.
Mentally ill women should be listened to when they come up with abuse cases and not be dismissed because of their state of mind.
Until women’s credibility stops being filtered through their emotional state whenever they speak about harm, the language meant to protect will continue to be used to silence. Unfortunately so.
