1:24 a.m., August 14, 2024
Gbohunmi, I can’t sleep.
I’ve been lying in bed since midnight, staring at the ceiling fan as it turns slowly above me. I listen to the soft clicking sound it makes each time it completes a circle. I’ve watched our videos so many times since Sunday that I know which ones are going to make me cry before I even press play.I have been listening to Tonight by Nonso Amadi too. It reminds me so much of you, but not in a hurtful way.I can’t stop crying, Gbohunmi.
How did we end up in this situation? Wasn’t it around July that you sent me I Go Nowhere by Dwin The Stoic, the artist you said you loved? You told me the lyrics said everything you wanted to say to me. I remember smiling at my phone that day. I remember thinking about how much you loved me and how lucky I was to be your girlfriend.Now I can’t even bring myself to play that song.
There are so many songs I can’t listen to anymore, but Tonight is an exception. It is different because it reminds me of that night at your place.You played the song and started dancing slowly towards me with a ridiculous smile on your face. You moved towards where I was sitting, swaying your body to the music, and stretched your hands out to me. I didn’t want to dance. You knew I didn’t want to dance, but you kept coming. I remember laughing and shaking my head at you before finally putting my hands in yours.
You pulled me towards your chest. I loved the warmth of your body against mine. I loved the way you whispered the words of the song in my ears as you held me.I remember the smell of your shirt, the way your fingers rested against my waist. I remember everything. I remember how you held me that night. I remember the way you smelt, and I loved it. I loved every bit of it.
I close my eyes and try to go to sleep, but my chest hurts so badly. It feels as though someone has wrapped both hands around my ribs and squeezed them. I can barely breathe. It’s like there is air, and you suddenly forget how to breathe.I miss you, Gbohunmi. God, I miss you. I wish God could take this pain away from me because it hurts so much.
9:30 a.m., August 15, 2024I
I woke up with pain in my chest. For a few seconds, I lay completely still as I stared at the faint patch of sunlight on my ceiling, trying to remember why my chest hurt so much.Then I remembered.We broke up, or better still, you broke up with me.I reached for my phone before my eyes were fully open.
I checked my WhatsApp, hoping to see that you had texted me, but you hadn’t. I sighed sadly. A text from you would undo all this pain I am feeling. I would forgive everything if your name appeared on my screen right now.I archived our chat so I wouldn’t have to see your name every time I opened WhatsApp.
Then I opened Instagram, and I saw the little circle around your profile picture. My heart jumped so hard I felt it in my throat.You posted something on your story!After almost five days of me checking your page like a mad woman, you had finally posted something. I clicked immediately. I didn’t even care that you would see that I had viewed it.I saw you. You were still as gorgeous as ever, but something else caught my eye.Your hands.I saw your hands resting on her shoulders, and I stopped breathing.For a moment, I didn’t even look at her. I just stared at your hands.
The same hands that held mine in the car, the same hands that pulled me into your chest. Those same hands were on her now.With my heart in my mouth, I clicked her name robotically, and her profile opened.One by one, I looked through her posts. I checked every video, picture, and reel. I spent more than ten minutes watching one video because I was convinced there had to be something I was missing.I needed a reason. I wanted to know why you thought she would make a better girlfriend than me.I took a screenshot and sent it to Pamela.“IS THIS GIRL PRETTY?”
“Who is she?”“CAN YOU JUST ANSWER ME FIRST, IS SHE?”
I typed fast and was already upset at the question.
“Yes, she is. Who is she?”
My hands shook as I typed again.“THAN ME?”
“What?”“IS SHE PRETTIER THAN ME?”
Three dots appeared, disappeared, and appeared again.
My heart began to beat faster, and my palms were sweaty.
“No, Leila, she isn’t. You are prettier. Who is she?”
I ignored the last message as I smiled to myself.I went back to the girl’s page. This time, I took a screen recording of one of her videos where I thought she looked ugly and sent it again to Pamela.“
Check this video. That picture might not really capture her face well. Look at the video and tell me if she is pretty.”
“Who is this? Why are you sending me her video?”
“Pam, can you please just answer? I will answer you later.”
“Wait… omggg.”Another message from her.
“This is Gbohunmi’s new girl, isn’t she? Are you stalking her?”
I felt heat rise into my face. Why couldn’t she just answer the damn question? Why did she have to be so nosy and all up in my business?I was irritated as I started typing.
“CAN YOU JUST FUCKING ANSWER ME?”
“Leila, she is pretty. She is prettier even in this video you sent. But you are better looking.”
“Fuck!” I screamed.Was it really so hard to say she was ugly? She wasn’t pretty. She was okay.
I took my phone and began typing again.
“THIS IS WHY I DON’T LIKE TO FUCK WITH YOU SOMETIMES! SHE ISN’T PRETTY. SHE IS OKAY, BUT SHE ISN’T PRETTY; SHE IS… JUST THERE.”
I flung the phone onto the couch near me. I ran my hands through my hair and paced around the room. I sat back down and grabbed the throw pillow beside me, pressing it against my face.
My phone notified me of a message, and I was sure it was Pamela. Not wanting to see the message she sent, I lay back on the couch.I thought about your hands on her shoulders again, and tears gathered in my eyes.
Have I really lost you? What did you see in her? She has big boobs, for Christ’s sake, and you don’t even like girls with big boobs.Or do you?
Have you always liked girls with big boobs and only told me otherwise so I wouldn’t feel bad about myself?Did you break up with me because my boobs were small?
The thought of it made me sit up. I reached for my phone and opened Instagram again. I opened your profile and looked through your following list.I started checking every girl I saw, one by one. I wanted to see their bodies. I wanted to know the kind of women you liked. I wanted to find answers.I wanted to find the thing that was so wrong with me.
12:16 p.m., August 31, 2024
I am at this tech event even though I have absolutely no business being here. I don’t work in tech, and I don’t understand half of the things the people here are talking about. But you came here last year, and I figured you’d come this year too, so I came.I came to see you. I wanted you to see me. I wanted you to look at me and realise I was doing well. I wanted you to see that I was now prettier and that I had become a better version of myself without you in the picture.
I spent over an hour getting ready for today. I changed my outfit four times. I stood in front of the mirror and stared at myself for a long time. I wanted to perfect everything so you could see how I had glowed up after our breakup.When the event started and you were nowhere to be found, I became agitated.
What if you don’t come? Does that mean I wasted all my effort?
Every time the door opened, my heart jumped, but you were not any of them. I rubbed my sweaty palms together as I prayed silently.
“Please show up and see how pretty I look. Show up and see that I am better than when we were together. Show up and see that I now have bigger boobs, even though it was just the push-up bra and the wig I got two days ago. Please show up. See the latest version of me. I don’t care if you don’t talk to me, just show up and look at me.”
5:16 p.m., August 31, 2024
The event is almost over, and still there is no sign of you.
People are packing their things, ready to leave, and I just sit there, disappointed and defeated.
The realisation that I had just wasted today without you showing up made tears gather in my eyes. I looked down so people wouldn’t see me tearing up.
6:14 a.m., September 11, 2024
I couldn’t sleep yesterday. I kept thinking of you.
Today makes it a month since we broke up. Since you told me this wasn’t working anymore, since you told me you’ve fallen out of love.
How does one even fall out of love? Especially with something that was supposed to be as intense as what we had.I’ve never doubted your love for me, even after we broke up, but I started to the day I saw that picture of you and that girl.
Maybe you never loved me.
Maybe you were just so good at lying until you couldn’t anymore.
Oh, fuck! Maybe you were cheating on me with that girl.What if you were?
I should warn her. I should warn her not to trust anything that comes out of your mouth because everything you told me has been a lie.
I need to warn her so she can see you for who you actually are and stay away from you.
She needs to know that you will start by making her feel special until she is completely in love with you, and then you’ll leave her.
I need to protect her from getting hurt just like you hurt me.
Maybe, if she does, maybe if she leaves you, you will finally understand what you have lost.
Maybe you will realise that even after everything you did to me, I am still here.I picked up my phone and searched for the girl’s name.
Pamela won’t agree to this. I knew that even before I opened her profile, but I ignored the voice.
I typed “Hi” and sent it without hesitation.
I waited for a response from her, and after thirty minutes of not getting a response, even though she was clearly online, I sent her a long message.
“Hello, this is Leila, Gbohunmi’s recent ex-girlfriend. I see that you and he are now together, which is fine by me. But I must warn you. Gbohunmi is a liar who lies about everything. He will say all the nice things and do everything just to make himself happy, and then when you are in love with him, he will leave you high and dry. I say this with confidence because he did the same to me.”
I stopped to read what I had typed and continued.“I am reaching out, woman to woman, because I don’t want you to fall victim. He might have even been dating you before we broke up because he posted you just a few days after. Don’t you think that is fishy? Anyways, I wanted to look out for you and tell you the real person Gbohunmi is.”
I pressed send and immediately felt lighter.
Maybe she would understand and we could talk about it. Maybe she would see that I was right.Maybe she…I was cut short by the vibration of my phone.I looked, and her reply was just one word.
“Lol.”
Lol?Lol?
After I just exposed a man to you?
Now I am pissed.
My fingers flew across the keyboard, and I started typing. I didn’t finish the fourth sentence before her profile disappeared.
She had blocked me.
My mouth went dry. For a few seconds, I couldn’t move. Then I wished the ground would open up beneath me and swallow me.I need to tell someone about this.I took my phone to call Pamela, but at the first ring, I quickly ended it.
Pamela must not know what I had done today.
3:25 p.m., August 11, 2025
“Hello, Leila. This is Gbohunmi. Can I call you?”
My heart started racing.It has been exactly a year since we broke up.
A year of me fooling myself and pretending to move on.
A year of me constantly talking about you to anyone who cares or does not care to listen.
One year of stalking you.
One year of knowing you and that girl are still together.
One year of knowing where you went, what you posted, what events you attended, what songs you listened to.
One year of keeping up with a life I was no longer part of.
One year of hoping you would realise you made a mistake and come back.But I had been trying too.
At the beginning of this month, after realising it was almost a year, I made a decision to let go and really move on. I wanted to start loving myself again. I wanted to stop blaming myself, and the first step I took was to delete our chats.And just when I thought I had been making progress, you show up?
“Hi, what is this about?”
I hit send as I waited nervously for your response.
“Would I be a bad person if I say I miss you and I was hoping we could talk?”
“Yes, you will be a bad person.”I
stared at the message for a few seconds, then typed again.
“But yeah, you can call.”
I put my phone down and coughed to clear my throat as I waited for his call. I bit my nails impatiently.
One minute passed. Two minutes passed. Five, six, seven, eight, ten, fifteen, and thirty, forty minutes.
Still no call from you.
I began to panic again. All my old feelings started rushing in. It was like you had opened an old wound.I started to pace around as I waited for your call.
After two hours of waiting, I texted you again.
“Did you see this?” I asked, highlighting the last message I sent.
“Yeah, I did. I just don’t know if it is the right decision, you know. After everything that has happened.”
“Right decision? You literally sent me a message out of nowhere, and now you don’t know if it is the right decision?”
“Yeah, I know. I’m sorry. Maybe I shouldn’t have reached out. I just really miss you and I wanted to hear your voice. But yeah, this is my fault. Be good.”
I stared at the message again and again to be sure I had read it correctly.My eyes filled with tears, and it didn’t take long for them to start falling freely.
Gbohunmi got me again.You’ve hurt me again, and I let it happen.
1:33 a.m., January 1, 2026
“Hello, Leila. Happy New Year. I know it’s been a while, but I just wanted to wish you a happy New Year. I hope this year will be your best year.”
I looked at the message in church. Though caught off guard by it, I rolled my eyes as I sat down.
This was another year, and I’d be damned if I let you mess it up for me again.I deleted the message and blocked you this time around.I needed to be happy for myself.
5:42 a.m., January 21, 2026
“You up? This is Gbohunmi. This is my other number. I noticed you blocked my main one.”
Ignored.
“Can we talk, please? I need to talk to you as soon as possible.”
Ignored.
“Carly and I broke up. I know it is none of your business, but I just wanted you to know.”
Ignored.
“I know I hurt you, but back then, I didn’t know better. I was struggling that period, and I didn’t know how to handle it without making it seem like a burden. Can we talk, please?”
I read every message as they buzzed in. I just didn’t answer.
10:02 a.m., August 11, 2026
I woke up happy today.I feel free. I feel okay.I haven’t been happy like this in a long time.I danced and twirled around in my sitting room as I listened to Dwin The Stoic. I no longer feel the sadness I felt while listening to him.
As I moved my body, my phone notification popped up.
“Leila, this is a terrible idea. Why can’t you see it? I have been cleaning up after you mentally for almost two years, and it is like we are back to square one.”
“Pamela, I think you are overreacting tbh. It is just a date. He has been texting me for monthssss.”
“Okay, do whatever you want. I won’t pick up after you this time around. I am tired.”
I ignored the message as I tossed my phone onto the couch.I hummed to myself as I made my way to the bathroom to take my bath. The humming was cut short as my phone rang.
Knowing who it might be, I ran to pick it up.
“Hey, you.”
His voice rang from the other side of the phone as I picked it up.“Heyyyyy.”
“Are you almost ready?”
“Yes, I am. I just want to take my bath. I should be ready in about an hour.”
“Okay, see you soon and… I love you.”
I giggled to myself as I replied, “Yeah, I love you too, Gbohunmi.”
