Chit-chat With the Gurls (2): Sexual Liberation and Sexual Promiscuity: Sisters, Distant Cousins, or No Relation?

Sexuality and sexual expression have generally been taboo topics for African women. With the rise of feminism, more women are realising that purity culture is deeply rooted in misogyny since it only applies to women. Consequently, more women are claiming their sexual agency and taking control of their pleasure. Sexual liberation, however, also has its own controversy. Some say sexual liberation freed women to say ‘yes’; others argue it actually freed us to say ‘no’, and then there’s the whole conversation about ‘how many yeses’ before society has opinions. Today on Chit-chat with the Gurls, we’re delving deeply into the topic with our esteemed guests: Doyin, a Nigerian Feminist Witch and writer; Nosa, also a Nigerian writer; and Aida, a Kenyan visual artist and environmentalist. 

Icebreaker: So ladies, are sexual liberation and sexual promiscuity sisters, distant cousins, or not related at all?

Aida: Not related at all 😉 

Doyin: Not related at all.

Nosa: Not related at all.

Now let’s dive into the real questions.

1. How do you personally define sexual liberation, and how does that definition differ from sexual promiscuity?

Aida: I think sexual liberation is the ability to follow and express your own natural sexual desires and curiosities without typically gendered limitations being placed on you. 

Sexual promiscuity, on the other hand, I believe to be a myth/stigma placed on people who express themselves outside of said limitations, usually based in religious and sexist beliefs.

Doyin: Sexual liberation to me is cutting off those restraints that define your sexuality. Liberation is freedom to do things on your own terms without prejudice. In an African society where there’s only one way women are seen sexually, liberation makes us cut it off. It is the freedom to say ‘yes’ and ‘no’. To be queer in peace, to have sex with whomever without shame, and also to choose not to have pity sex or sex at all because why not? 

Sexual promiscuity often overlaps with liberation, but there’s still a line. The former is about having multiple sexual partners. And we should ask ourselves, are men shamed for the same thing? If her sexual partners are women, does the promiscuity term still hold water? It is, however, society dictates it to be. 

I might not totally support having multiple partners at once, but you can always have as much sex as you want (correctly) before settling for someone that aligns with you. That’s just me, though.

Nosa:  I define sexual liberation as an act of having sex on your own terms. Not anybody else’s but your own. and i don’t believe in sexual promiscuity; i believe that term is rooted in purity culture.

2. Do you agree with feminists who argue that equating liberation with promiscuity actually undermines women’s agency?

Aida: Yes. Sexual liberation looks different for everyone; one can be monogamous and asexual and that is liberation to them. One can be a sex worker and this is liberation to them. The key words being ‘agency’, ‘freedom to choose’ and ‘self-determine’. 

Doyin: Does it? It depends on what everyone thinks promiscuity is. When men talk about their sexual history, do I bat an eye? Yes. When women talk about theirs? I simply ignore it. We don’t even have as many women who openly admit to having sex. You can very much consent while you have multiple partners. You can still decide whenever you want to have sex with any of them.

But not every promiscuous woman is a feminist and having sex with foolish misogynists can actually undermine one’s agency.

Nosa: Yes, I agree with them. My reasons being that, again, that term is rooted in purity culture. 

3. How has your understanding of these concepts evolved throughout your feminist journey?

Aida: I used to be anti-sex work (what people would typically call promiscuity), mostly because of the violent and gendered context it tends to exist in. And while I still don’t believe that sexual openness is automatically empowering, I place agency and (true) choice above all. People are free to do what they please (without harming others) and shouldn’t face shame or judgement because of it; those things hardly ever help anyone. 

Doyin: I used to see promiscuity as just having sex with whomever. Reading has helped me change my perspective over the years.

Nosa: Before, I used to view sexual liberation as being able to just have sex with anyone regardless of whether or not they respect you. But in my feminist journey, I have learnt to choose who I share my body with. I refuse to have sex with someone who doesn’t respect me or someone who hates me. Or someone who sees me as just a sexual object. It has also helped me to not feel guilty if I’m not into certain sexual activities. I’ll have sex on my terms. 

4. Do you think the feminist movement has been successful in reclaiming narratives around female sexuality, or have we simply traded one set of expectations for another?

Aida: I guess it’s important to also separate the different strains of feminism. Liberal feminists and radical feminists might have different viewpoints on this. 

Personally, I think we’ve put ourselves in a position of simultaneously being hypersexualised (in media, etc.) but still being shamed and expected to appear “pure”. I don’t think great progress has really been made in terms of true liberation and agency. However, there is so much more information and so many voices out there which I’d consider a win for female sexuality. 

Doyin: I’d start with the second question. If feminists keep thinking promiscuity undermines women’s agency, then we have simply traded one set of expectations for another.

Heck yeah, we have songs and books openly talking about female needs and pleasure. There’s that doll meme that women on X often post to describe how great the sex they had was. I’m always happy to see it. Women are freely talking about sex!!

Nosa: No, I don’t think so. I still think we are far, far behind because I see some discourse online and I don’t know; it is really bad. e.g., transactional sex. 

5. Do you believe that intersectional factors like race, class, and sexual orientation influence how these concepts apply to different women’s experiences?

Aida: Absolutely. A queer, liberated black woman is so much more offensive than a straight one. Different identities that might be expected to appear “pure” may also face more judgement. 

Doyin: Yes. I asked previously if the promiscuity term would be used if it involved multiple women.

A Black (dark-skinned) woman is more likely to be shamed for having sex. There’s a white lady that slept with a thousand men last year. Imagine what the headlines would have been if she were a black woman. She’d be dragged through the valley of the shadow of death, across the 7 wonders of the world and to her grave.

Nosa: Yes, I think so. Especially race and class. For sexual orientation, I don’t really know much about that.

6. If you could redefine the conversation around women’s sexuality in popular culture, what would you want to see change?

Aida: The idea that all women are supposed to express their sexuality in one way – straight, monogamous, conservative, etc. – and if you don’t, then you must be a whore or have a problem. I’d want more normalisation of women on all sides of the sexual spectrum.

Doyin: I’m currently side-eyeing those hiding under the cloak of celibacy because of internalised purity culture. I pity you; that’s all I have to say.

Nosa: I want purity culture gone. I really want women to have lots of sex without shame because sometimes I catch myself in that shame and I don’t like it. Women aren’t having lots of sex and that’s at the top of the things I want to redefine.

7. In a world where sex is wielded like a weapon against women, especially in heterosexual relationships and men celebrate having sex with women as conquests they’ve won, what tips would you give to women to be able to embrace sexual liberation while still keeping their self-worth and sexual agency?

Aida: This is advice I also need to take myself, but being more picky and strict with the men we sleep with would be a good step. This would force the men to step up and also protect our own well-being as we express our sexuality. 

Doyin: Men are subhuman, and they tend to act that way every time. I can never tell a woman to be acting like sex is a conquest. Sex is just sex. It is something to be enjoyed. If you find yourself not enjoying it, that’s your cue to flee. 

I must add, to be in a heterosexual relationship, you must accept that misogyny is even a bit inherent in men. If you must compulsorily be involved with them, be prepared to accept even a bit of it. Make sure you know what you want and the opposite. Leave a man that doesn’t fit the standard you have. If you don’t know what your standard should be, text me, and I will advise you to totally dispose of men lmao.

Nosa: For me, I’d say ‘f men’. But on a more serious note, I think having sex on your own terms makes you care less what men think. Also, to leave men who disrespect you and your body. 

Sarcastic sign-off: How would you respond to the misogynistic term “ashawo” that men share like party favours to all women?

Aida: You hate to see me coming, honey. 😉

Doyin: If you’ve never gotten an ashawo claim, maybe you are still pandering to men. Lmao, don’t mind me, but your time will soon come. I joke a lot, please. If you call me ashawo, I will tell you how your mother handed the job over to me, and I am doing it right because she’s taught me well not to give birth to a bastard like him.

Nosa: We are all ashawos. ?

Whether you’re having a passionate affair with liberation, casually dating promiscuity, or practising abstinence from other people’s opinions altogether—it seems the most feminist thing might just be respecting every woman’s right to navigate her own relationship status with sexuality.