‘Bisexual or Confused?’ by Guest Contributor Rakgadi

Illustration by @reesabobeesa

I am what a lot of people call bisexual, or am I?. I am eldest of three sisters
and I have a big brother who is 6yrs older than me. Grew up such a loner,
thought nobody understood me. I was always stuck in a corner somewhere with a
book. By the time I was 11 I had already read Charles Dickens 3 times and all
the Shakespeare I could get my hands on. And yet I was still lonely and alone.
Life started to become some kind of a blur. I went to school, came back. Had my
4 slices of bread with rooibos tea and rondo margarine. I fetched water from
the community tap. Washed my school socks, prepared pots so that my brother
could cook supper, write my homework then go play. When the sun went down I had
to be in the house or I would get a hiding.

I was 11 yrs of age when Zee came to visit the house next to ours. We were on
winter break at school . That normally happens around June in south Afrika.I
remember it as if it was yesterday. One of the memories that are not such a
blur from my childhood. She was dark and had the shortest hair, her hair was
not black cause when I looked harder I could see brown highlights on it and it
made me want to touch it. And I did touch it because I used to love braiding
peoples hair, I still do. This was the conversation I had with my sister the very first day we saw her.
“So there is a girl visiting the Mahlangus did u see her?” asked my sis.
‘Yes” I said. At least I won’t have to play with you guys, there is some
one my age visiting.
We all went to bed eager for morning to come. But alas by morning I had
forgotten all about the new girl, only remembered when my sister whispered in
my ear “ ha se thaka a go le rona re tlo tshameka le ena ”(she is not your
age so its only fair that we all get to play with her)
“How do you know that ” I asked her.
Well she told me she is 14 years old and you are only 11.
I will be 12 in less than 6 months so I am still older than all of you. I will
play with her “I said a little too harshly. My sister and I are 3 years apart so you can guess the kinds of brawls we got into. We fought about everything and I was not about to let her win this one.
So I made it a point to finish my holiday duties on time everyday so I could
hang out with Zee.

Zee became the centre of attention because every girl or boy wanted to play
with her. So after a while I went back to my lonely self. Besides I had a lot
of other things to worry about, I had recently started reading SVH (sweet
valley high) novels and I could not wait to hear about the twins’ boyfriends
and the amazing things they did at their amazing schools. Schools that had
newsletters and computers and all those lovely netball fields and swimming
pools. Yes I had a lot to worry about. The little bumps on my chest were
starting to swell and they were sore, I had white stuff coming out of my
privates. Every morning when I went to the toilet I found the stuff on my
panties and I did not know what to tell mom so I kept quiet about it.

And then there was the itch I got once in a while although it felt like
everyday to me. I heard other gals saying it at school, that if u itch between
your legs then (osefebe) YOU ARE A WHORE. So I would find a little corner and
take off my panties and scratch…… it felt sooo nice until I had to take a
bath. And then it was einaaaaaaaaaaaa…… “Sore in Afrikaans”
So I thought I was cool you know, when I itch I scratched and then endured a
bath of sunlight bath soap and put lots of Vaseline on and skipped underwear
cause it used to cause friction and my cookie became pink. As if that was not
enough I had amaforohla (when your thighs rub together and create a black area
right next to your privates. Now besides being fat I am going to have to wear
tights with my school dress ai.

So you see I had a lot to worry about I did not need to be running behind Zee
though I liked her I reserved myself to liking her from far. But then she
started invading my personal space. She came to our house in the evening and
sat down to dinner with us, I don’t mind sharing food, but the evening
stories my step dad used to tell us were one of my favorite times of the
evening and I did not want her there. Hayi bo this girl was quickly becoming a
member of my family, now I had nothing to boast about because she knows all of
my family secrets hayyi ah .

About 9 or 10 days into the holidays Mmamahlangu came and asked mom if Zee can
spend the night with us, she had to go to an all night prayer and she
couldn’t leave her alone. Okay now I am supposed to share my single sponge
with her? good gracious me! what about the things I did at night you know, like touching myself huh ? How was I supposed to do that ai nooo man this
girl is becoming a nuisance man ai. I just wished she could share with my
sisters. But I knew that I was the one that would be chosen, I was the only
one who slept alone besides my brother.

So that night after everyone ate we listened to a story or two and then off to
bed we went. I guess I should have been grateful for a warm body next to mine,
because South African winters can be harsh, especially when you live in a
structure made of congrugated iron. So I kept to my side of the bed and
pretended to be asleep, I guess I did fall asleep cause when next I woke it
was to the feel of hands puling me closer to a body. Had I not known that I
was not alone I would have screamed my lungs out lol. And what happened after
that is something I have never talked about to anybody except my female lover
and you adventurers.
This is what happened or what i remember happened lol its been about 18 years
or so. Zee’s hands crept into my night dress and went all the way up to my sore and
sensitive newly sprouted boobs. I was a chubby child so you can imagine how big
they were combined with my natural chubbiness. She fondled them until I moaned
from the pain I got. She stopped; I guess she was scared that someone would
hear us. Congrugated iron did nothing when it came to concealing sounds, you
could hear you neighbors talk through the walls. She then took my nightie off
and brought her lips to mine…. Ssshhhhh…She said when I attempted to talk.

She helped me take my night dress off and she took off hers as well, took my
face into her hands and started kissing me in what I can now describe as
‘passionately”although at the time I thought it was funny, that she would
want to lick my lips and put her tongue inside my mouth. Her hands were
everywhere from my boobs to my buttocks and I was feeling tingly, my toes
curled and I just wanted to hold on to her. And then she touched my secret
place, the place that I always touched when I was alone in bed at night and I
felt like screaming…… her finger just knew where to touch and how. She
made circular movements on that special place I have come to know as the
‘clit’, and I trembled all over. Felt like I could fall over from the
sensations I got. But she was not done yet. She turned so that we were now
both lying on the mattress, our heads on opposite sides and our pussies rubbing
against each other, I remember the warmth that flowed from hers, hot and
slippery… and soft. She held on to my hand and grinded against me harder
and harder until she shook sooo hard I thought something was wrong. and then
it came, the feeling that started right from my toes traveling at the speed of
light up my thighs and I knew I was also shaking the way she did so I held on
to her hand just to steady myself cause I felt like I was going to fall over
from the blood rushing to my ears and head. I closed my eyes and let the
feelings ride over me until I felt them subside. When I opened my eyes she was
lying next to me with covers over both of us and she let out a big sigh and
cuddled closer still.

Zee spent four more nights with us after that and we got talking about a lot
of things. She helped me with my itchy rash told me not to scratch and to use
pure water instead of soap. She educated me about menstruation. The rest of
my holidays turned into what I can only describe as the best. I never saw her
again after this and I guess I never took the time to enquire. I just take it
as an experience that needed to happen to me at the time and I am quiet
thankful that it did happen because I find myself attracted to gals more as I
grow. I’m 30 now and I have a sex partner who is female and a boyfriend. I find
that both play two very important roles in my life. My gf knows about my man but
alas I know he would freak out if he knew what me and my gf get up to when he
is not around.

Sexy girl daydreaming

11 comments On ‘Bisexual or Confused?’ by Guest Contributor Rakgadi

  • I have a question, or rather comment….At 11, since you are not of age to consent to any sexual activity, wouldn’t this experience, constitute as sexual harrassment?! This tends to happen a lot, even with young boys.

    In regards to you being either bi or confused, if you are genuinely attracted to both sexes, then in my books you are oo…but if you are just testing the waters, isn’t that called bi-curiosity. EKUBA your expertise is needed sisteren.

    • eiii @ AM how would I not chip in when my name was spelled in capital letters (although i have no expertise o, lol).
      @Ragkadi: I don’t think you’re confused at all. To start off with, i certainly understand AM’s concern about whether Zee harrassed you. However, I am reluctant to conclude that there was sexual abuse if a consensual sex act occurs between minors who are close in age.

      I guess that’s why several US States have the so called ‘Romeo & Juliet’ laws to decriminalize consensual sex acts between minors who are close in age. Since you were 12 & Zee was 14 & the sex appears consensual, I’m tempted to tilt towards the side that there was no abuse- what do you think?

      About being bisexual or not- sometimes we humans don’t fit into specific boxes. However, what I tell my friends who wonder if they’re bi/ lesbian is that they should reflect on their life. If they recollect instances where they were crazy about another girl, wanted to be around her, thought about her all the time etc. (just like the case you describe with Zee), then they might be bi or lesbian since they have the capability of being attracted to the same sex.

      In your case, there’s also the fact that you’re attracted to & have dated your girlfriend for a while which I think speaks volumes. To conclude, I don’t think anyone can tell you if you’re bi or not, it’s something for you to decide but from all that you’ve narrated, I’d definitely say that you’re bi.

    • AM — interesting observation.

      Can a female rape/sexually harass another female? Are children capable of committing the offence of rape or sexual harassment? Are children capable of consenting to sexual acts?

      The answers to all these questions depend on the legal jurisdiction of the country and/or state you’re in. For example Ekuba stated, in the US they’ve decriminalised consensual sex acts amongst minors within certain age groups.

      Generally, rape is carnal knowledge of a person without that persons consent. This is often interpretated as penetration by a penis of the vagina, anus or mouth without consent. but this definition excludes women from possessing the capacity to commit rape. In some jurisdictions the definition reads ‘penetration by part of the body of, another person’s vagina, mouth or anus without their consent.’ Therefore in some jurisdictions a women can rape another woman. Also if a woman uses an object to penetrate the vagina, anus or mouth of another without consent she commits the crime of rape.

      Can a child consent to a sex act? This varies according to legal jurisdiction. Generally children are considered incapable of providing consent to sex, in some legal instruments this is up to the age 15 or 16. Here you must also factor in that African customary law negates this legal protection offered to children by statutory law. Children are deemed incapable of consenting to sex acts because statutory law provides that a child 16 years and below does not possess the intelligence to distinguish between right and wrong.

      Can a child commit the offence of rape/sexual harassment? The short answer is yes.
      Any child below the age of 10 is considered by the law as incapable of guilt and criminal responsibilty as they are considered to lack the necessary discretion and intelligence to know right from wrong or anticipate the consequences of their actions to the extent of being criminally responsible for their actions; this is referred to as doli incapax.
      Children between the ages of 10 and 14 are entitled to a ‘presumption against criminal responsibilty’. In such cases the matter maybe referred to trial where the child has to prove that s/he was doli incapax or lacked criminal responsibility at the time of the commission of the offence.

      At age 14 Zee, falls under the category of ‘presumption against criminal responsibility’. At age 11, Rakgadi was not capable of giving consent.

      Was this sexual harassment? Yes but I’d argue this as a case of sexual assault. Unless the legal jurisdiction is developed and sophisticated, sexual assault is easier to argue because it is often a legislated statutory offence (and the definition is broader than rape, including physical or sexual contact with a child’s genitals or viewing a child’s genitals encompassing female on female cases) provided for in most legal instruments whereas sexual harassment is only just entering legal instruments in lots if legal systems. The South African legal system is quite advanced though.

      There are others who would argue that it was two little girls exploring their sexuality.

  • This will be considered sexual molestation and sexual assault if the act was not mutual. The age differences were only 2-3 yrs apart and both parties were underage. However, it is very true that in most cases where children are molested or assaulted it does not turn out to be their greatest experience, but a lifetime nightmare.

    What happen to you is something that happens a lot in the adolescence stage which helps to discover oneself and assist in the process of growing up. I played “house” and pecked my cousins, but never went into the sexual realm of any type. Therefore you are not curious anymore, you are an adult and you need to be mature and honest about your lifestyle.

    Nevertheless, you should let your boyfriend know what you are up to with your gf. It is not fair to him and selfish of you. Love, live and laugh on your own expense and not on others. He deserves to make a sound choice if he wants to be in a bisexual relationship and maybe participate in a threesome…lol. Seriously, tell the dude.

  • This story lost me at the sex/punani eating/pussy rubbbing wiht what was obviously a THRUSH infection. It’s got the medic in me screaming NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

  • Nnenna you’re hilarious. This story reminded me of myself in boarding school. It felt like I permanently had thrush. I remember my friend and I taking turns to drip lime juice in our pussy. The pain was far better than the itchiness, and I used to wash with dettol. It took me until I was 17 years to stop that ish…and that was only because my college roommate at the time expressed such horror when she saw me do that.

    I thought this story was beautifully told, and an example of how children have sexual desire too. It’s scary, but real…

  • ? @ AM, I’d be hard pressed to term this “sexual assault”. Incidentally, her experience is almost “a coming of age” rite for a lot of girls in boarding schools. I can tell you for a fact that I had a similar experience in boarding school and I know of several of my mates that did as well.

    @ GUEST: Some turned out gay, others bi, the rest straight and still a bunch of others very strongly confused or undecided. Frankly, you have it down. Keep your man and your girl and enjoy every bit of it. What’s the hurry to figure it out? PS/ I’m very very gay-no confusion 🙂

  • I agree with the fact that this was clearly a yeast infection that was untreated by children that were afraid to be stigmatized by their peers.

    However, I have realized that working with high-school girls in Ghana. They walk around scratching themselves quite often and I don’t think they even realize that they are doing it. I finally mustard to ask them why they were so itchy. They did understand that it was most likely a yeast infection, but I could not really get to the bottom of what was causing the problem.

    There were many reasons given such as nutrition, dehydration and the steam emitting from the toilets. We spoke about hygiene and they seem to be well informed. After endless discussions, one of my reluctant question was if their was any sexual activities within the same sex or opposite sex. It was never truly admitted, but I knew this activity was taking place because I did see many tell-tell signs.

    Yeast infections seem to be a big problem amongst young women in boarding schools. I will be interested in getting some insight in this matter, so I can better help these girls in the future.

    • Yeast Infections are a MAJOR problem in most boarding schools. There are so many people sharing just a few toilet facilities which are unfortunately not clean very often. The situation is worsened when because of the sexual experimentation that usually happens at that age, most young ladies have all manner of unsterile objects being put up there to stimulate pleasure. Unfortunately, when a young person complains of a yeast infection, she is usually accused of being a slut or something silly like that.
      On the issue of whether this was abuse or not, i personally had my first sexual experience with a girl who was about 12 years when i was about 4 years. On hindsight, i was way too young for that. That only happened a couple of times but it awakened a strange sexual part of me even at that young age. I found myself naturally drifting towards other girls and would you believe i actually had a steady “girlfriend” from the time i was about 9years to the time i was about 13 years? What surprised me was, as time went on, many other girls made passes at me but i never could trust their secrecy so i declined and stuck with her. I had my very first orgasm whilst tribbing with her which i remember to this day and it felt totally unreal and different from anything with a man (if you’ve ever experienced it, you’ll know what i’m talking about). In my mind, i felt a nagging thought that i was doing something wrong, but it always felt so good and it went way beyond physical to an emotional level that i just could not stop. I guess this explains why when i was told i was under demonic influence i believed it and felt very afraid for a long time afterwards and broke it off a few weeks before she left the country even though she begged and begged. Well, because of this fear, and also the fear of getting caught in boarding school or getting a banana or something broken up my vajayjay, i never for once even kissed a girl in boarding school and it made me laugh whenever I saw all the openly les girls acting all tough because they thought they knew all about sex…in my mind I’m like I’m way ahead of you girls, lol. I only got back to doing females when i got out of boarding school. I broke my virginity then and even though my first bf was a very passionate and considerate lover, there was always that itch i knew could only be scratched and scratched properly by another female. So, i got myself into one or two situations, and i have never looked back since. Was i abused? i wouldn’t say so because at a point, i actually encouraged that first girl. Now what really bothers me is my younger ones…we tend to mature sexually very fast in my family and i wonder what those little girls are up to already in school *shudder*

  • “There are others who would argue that it was two little girls exploring their sexuality.”
    i have come to regard this event in my life as an awakening to sex like saffron says in the quoted line above.
    @Ekuba this is what i found when i researched Romeo and Juliet laws, thank you so much for this i must say i did not know about it. if you can please educate us more on these things.
    #Gay Bias in Rulings
    Romeo and Juliet Laws – What They Mean For Teens

    For teenagers who are gay or lesbian and engage in consensual sex, the laws are much tougher. A 2004 case heard by the Kansas Supreme Court had civil libertarians and gay rights groups protesting the existence of a double standard. Matthew Limon was a mentally disabled 17-year-old when he had consensual sex with a 14-year-old boy. Under the Romeo and Juliet law enacted in Kansas in 1999, Limon would have been sentenced to 15 months in prison if the boy had been a girl. But because the law states that partners must be members of the opposite sex, Limon was given a 17-year sentence.# source about.com.

    the reason i wrote this is because a friend of mine has a nine year old girl child, one day when during one of my visits i caught her scratching her privates it was like i was 11 again.i made the mother aware of it. she has since taken her for 2 doctors appointments and found out it was just a yeast infection. But that did not stop the memories from flooding my mind and i thought i’d share.

    i have suffered from yeast infections from time to time like you nana. i am just happy that these days we are all educated enough to know that when you have an itch it is not necessarily an STI.
    @Nneenna iam sorry did not mean to give you nightmares. But you had me thinking, how many yeast infections go untreated on our little girls because of the stigma that societies put on anything sexual.
    @Leslie as for telling my bf, that is a story for another time lol.

    • yes o @ Rakgadi. yes you’re right, there’s an underlying bias in most of the romeo and juliet laws. They are worded in such a way as to refer to male-female couples only. Same-sex couples aren’t covered. this means that gay/ lesbian young adults will be sanctioned harshly for having same-sex intercourse with a minor while heterosexual adults who have sex with minors would be shielded. So unfair! but it just shows you that because we LGBTs are in the minority, we’re virtually invisible to some people and so lots of laws are crafted without us in mind.

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