Remember Purple Tussle that I commented about one time having sex against my will and not even being sure about what happenned during that encounter? Well I wrote about that for This is Africa.
And A.M. I know you prefer to comment over here so go ahead đ
Everybody else, your thoughts over on TIA please. Here’s an excerpt.
“In conversations with one of my close male friends he shared with me an experience he once had. He was dating a young Ghanaian woman and one night while they were watching a movie at his place he started to touch her. She half responded but pulled away every time he tried to get more intimate. He felt she was playing hard to get so he ignored all her protestations and continued to kiss her and touch her thighs, eventually succeeding in popping open her shirt so he could play with her nipples. In the meantime she was making comments like, âNo we shouldnât Kojoâ. âStop itâ. âWhat will the pastor say?â The night ended with her riding him to an explosive orgasm. The conclusion my friend Kojo came to was that this girl really wanted to have sex with him but was conflicted because she wanted to be a âgood Christian girlâ. His conclusion from this and similar experiences is that women want to be convinced to have sex. And sometimes you have to persuade them to get jiggy with you. In Kojoâs view, no doesnât always mean no. Sometimes it means persuade me. And that for me is where the challenge lies. On one hand I recognise that women brought up in patriarchal societies like the one I originate from have been schooled not to appear overly eager to have sex. Initiating sex or clearly expressing a desire to be sexual can lead to you being perceived as âlooseâ, âa slutâ, âa Shashi wowoâ. Generally women do not want to be perceived in these ways that our society tells us is derogatory. And so some women might adopt the mantle of being coy as a way to navigate complex social norms.”
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4 comments On Blurred Lines? Consensual Sex versus Rape
Nana, would you have felt any different if he had only gone down on you and stopped there?
Are you mad because he entered you even though you only agreed for him to go down on you?
‘Mad’ or angry is not the right word to describe how I felt about this incident. I felt ‘bad’…that I had put myself into a situation that I shouldn’t have allowed myself to get into. And I kinda blame myself for having been in that situation.
I really enjoyed this piece and I can relate to so many of the things you said; not wanting to be insist because the guy could overpower you OR thrash your reputation (which is a big fear of mine), the up-and-down of sexual feelings (which should be honoured) etc. Thank you for speaking the truth.
I don’t think I would have let him go down on me sha because of that overbearing sense of fairness and niceness which I have. And I don’t just stick any dick in my mouth/me. I no fit abeg. But since he offered na…
You are such a strong woman to talk about these issues. Keep it up, girl!
Nana — I want the same ‘special & differential’ treatment AM gets; to be allowed to comment here as opposed to TIA :-). TIA is a great forum and I support your writing there but I prefer to respond here – if you don’t mind.
As Nnenna (hi Nnenna!) wrote you are bold and strong to talk about these issues – BRAVO!
Here are some of my thoughts:
“But sometimes what men assume is a woman playing hard to get is the complete opposite. Itâs a woman trying to negotiate her way out of a situation. Trying to say no whilst still being âniceâ (because very often we have been brought up to be nice too). Attempting to extricate ourselves from an awkward sexual encounter without offending or angering the other person. Sometimes we are scared about what will happen if this man feels rejected. Will he flip? Go crazy on us?”
This is one of my greatest fear as a woman and as an aunt helping to raise an adorable little girl. Rape and sexual assault. Girls and women are raised and socialised to be nice. Even when the other person (whether a stranger or familiar) is in the wrong and crossing boundaries we are taught to be polite, to not offend and thereby put the other person’s feelings first, before our own safety, comfort levels and convenience.
A number of girls and woman I know have stories about sexual assault – rape, forced kissing, forced penetration (anal, vaginal, or oral), inappropriate fondling, sexual and/or street harassment and sexual torture. In my comment here, I’m referring to women and sexual encounters that start as a mutual attraction and flirting: Sometimes it happened out of the blue (as it does in some movies – a stranger rapes or assaults) more often it was someone they knew – a partner, a relative or an acquaintance. In some cases it started as fun and flirting; it went further than she preferred; she protested not wanting to go further and it ended with her having sex against her will or performing sex acts against her will. Other times she wants to have sex or engage in sexual acts and then she changes her mind and is then forced to finish against her will. There are a myriad of scenarios and not all of them are definitive. In the two examples I have given women end up there partly because they have been conditioned to not say no or to acquiesce, because they have been raised in a male-centred society where they are accustomed to giving men what men want, a society where women are accustomed to sacrificing for others – these messages are subtle and explicit. If you are exposed to patriarchal messaging your entire life, you internalise it without even realising it. But this is also about power, control and society’s concept of ideal womanhood (the good woman vs the whore). The good woman vs the whore is basically – a good woman would not be flirting/kissing and turning on a man but a whore would. Therefore, the whore deserves whatever happens to her in any and all sexual encounters. If you are sexually assaulted or raped during such an encounter – you deserved it, shouldn’t report it and you should crawl in hole and die or suffer eternally.
Women in a number of African societies (mine in particular) are not allowed to explore their sexuality and to figure out sex, sexuality and their sexiness for themselves but men can – in fact men are encouraged to explore their sexuality and celebrated for having a lot of sex with (a lot of) different partners. We have societies that shun, ostracize and punish women who are sexual and explore their sexuality with the same carefree attitude that men do while celebrating and rewarding men for exploring their sexuality and being sexual. Such a society often creates entitled men; men who believe they are entitled to sex especially with women who are not shy about their sexuality (because she is automatically categorised as ‘whore’ and is apparently willing to have sex on demand). This is a conundrum for women – entitled men, categorisation as the despised ‘whore’, a sexual encounter that blurs legal lines.
The African girl and the African woman (I know this is a generalisation but indulge me) – she has been taught to be polite and inoffensive, she is scared for her safety and other consequences. Telling women to “not put themselves” in such situations or refrain from taking control of their sexuality isn’t a helpful answer – it is avoidance of core issues; of societal problems and it is annoying.
I am sorry about your experience with the doctor Nana. That was a horrible thing to go through and I know ‘horrible’ is an understatement.
“Did I consent or not consent to sex with the Doctor?”
In an ideal world – no would mean no. Women would be able to revoke consent at any moment and there would be no grey areas or blurred lines or the consequences that often follow.
Personally, I would say you did not consent. I speak as a woman who understands (to some extent) your circumstances and the issues surrounding sexual consent.
Technically and legally – arguments of implied consent could be made based on the circumstances at that time, your actions, his actions and other information.
A positive I take from your discussion of this issue is that girls, women and men can think through this issue and develop practical solutions.
There is a movie I watched years ago (but is still vivid in my mind) that I thought highlighted rape, sexual assault, the issue of consent and how society views women’s sexual agency.
The movie is titled “When He’s Not a Stranger” it’s a 1989 movie but it is still relevant today. Trigger warning – PLEASE NOTE THE MOVIE HAS SCENES THAT MAY BE DISTURBING.
Here is the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gUztCt8A8dA
The cross-examination of the perpetrator at 1:17:03 – 1:19:00 of the movie was a poignant commentary on attitudes towards women and consent (or lack of) in sexual encounters.