Can you follow me please? I have something urgent to ask you. I absolutely hate it when people ask me to follow them on Twitter. I can’t help but think, ‘there are so many ways to reach me. You can reach me via the Adventures email which is available on the website, you can @ me, and some perfect strangers even manage to get their messages direct into my Gmail and Facebook inbox. But I always think, ‘you don’t know why someone is trying to message you’, and so when someone requests that I follow them so they can send me a private message, I do…at least for a short while. And in this case Akosua who had sent this message was concerned about threesomes and sex with women. Her specific concern was wondering whether she was a ‘suppressed lesbian’. She had a threesome and enjoyed it. Following that she had gone on to have sex with a woman and enjoyed that too. Now she wanted to have sex with a woman again but is beginning to question her sexuality. She wants some answers. Does the fact that she enjoyed sex with a woman, and wants to have sex with a woman again make her a lesbian? That is the question Akosua wanted me to help her answer. Somehow I don’t think my answer pleased her. I don’t think sleeping with a woman automatically makes you a lesbian, or means you’re bi, or that you’re no longer straight. In the same way I don’t think sleeping with a man makes you straight or means you’re no longer queer. I can understand that for some people (especially men) their sexuality is experienced as fixed, immutable, and unchangeable. I personally don’t feel that way. I believe sexuality is on a continuum, that some women, myself included can feel sexually attracted to women and men. Sometimes our attractions lean more heavily towards women, other times we favour men. Oftentimes our societies determine who we end up with. In conservative religious societies it is far easier to act on your attraction towards a man than it is to reach out to a woman for love and or sex. I recognize this and for that reason I am not wracked with guilt about my own sexuality. But I can understand how others are. Especially when your Twitter bio says you’re #TeamGod.
Akosua wants to know what other people think? Do you think she’s a ‘suppressed’ lesbian? What are your own thoughts on sexual orientation?
6 comments On Am I a ‘suppressed’ lesbian? A Twitter follower asks…
Hmmm Nana.
I think probably your answer may have left her more confused especially with her religious beliefs rather than displeased. So then should she just see herself as being on this continuum at this point in her life or rather just live freely and swing whichever way her feelings take her?
I sort of get where she’s coming from though. I was in a similar situation back in my tertiary years, both undergrad and in grad school. My first encounter with a girl was a simple kiss based on a dare. It left me feeling slightly uncomfortable albeit intrigued. This same girl turned out to be a bi and later got my interest piqued for something more than a kiss. We did make out some more but didn’t have sex at all each time we met cos she loved to tease me. I considered that a phase and just moved on. My bf at the time was also into 3somes so I agreed to try it once with a mutual friend of ours; she was more my friend than his by the way and I didn’t do much except kiss her during the shabang.
After that episode, cos I didn’t know anyone else, I actually sought her out myself during grad school to go all the way cos I felt I REALLY needed to do a girl and enjoy it. She agreed out of curiosity but again it left me feeling unsatisfied somehow cos she’s not a lesbian and didn’t know what to do exactly.
Years later and I still feel somewhat pent up and in need of a woman’s loving; a pro mind you. Lol. The curiosity still rages on and every now and then I get off with lesbian porn. Straight hardly does it for me. Now in this case would you say I still have the urge cos I’m just on a continuum or deep down am I gay?
I love sex. I enjoy straight sex. But I want to FULLY experience it with a woman and go my way. Lol.
Who knows? Maybe she just wants to scratch that itch completely and know for sure.
Hehehe I know Nana it’s a long read but this is my two coins 🙂
I think she is bi-curious. Sexual orientation is not set in stone. Only time it is, is when you are attracted to animals.????
I think Akosua should not worry about labels too much.
Take the time to know yourself, what you like, etc.
Sexuality is indeed fluid, some like men sexually, others like women sexually. Some like both.
Some like men and women in a sexual way but emotionally prefer women(forming meaningful relationships etc). Others like both sexually but prefer men emotionally, etc.
She said she liked her sexual experience with women, did she like it with a man too?or both? is it the same? etc.
Can she see herself falling in love with a woman?(in an ideal world where she is free from expectations and pressure from society)
One drawback with trying to label yourself now before being sure of what you like and to what degree is that you might start calling yourself a lesbian, only to realize you like/love men too (may not be as much as women) or maybe you realize you prefer men overall but like women only sexually. Then you call yourself something else and maybe start feeling you are confused or think there is something wrong with you because you can’t seem to settle on an identity.
It can be unecessary stress. So if you are unsure, then take the time to learn, explore if you can. And then be honest and hopefully comfortable with yourself after you are sure.
@Icon. Ok so latching on to the question of how to find a lesbian or fellow bi who’s open about their sexuality in this society of ours, how does Akosua find one to learn or explore what her preference really is? Cos from Nana’s piece I gather her previous encounters were not much to go by otherwise she wouldn’t still be “in need” so doing anything with those same girls won’t amount to much. Or?
Hmmm finding one to explore with in my opinion might be tough..
Shes just bi-curious. Or she might be gay too. All this is so confusing. Just try something with a woman and see. Thats the only way to decide whether to kill that fire or not. Let her tweet at me. We could talk. Lol. @lowie_xvi
I go with the sexual fluidity