Goal Setting for A Successful Sex Life

As African women, we devote a good portion of our day thinking about ways to live a successful life, whether consciously or not. Though or continent is blessed with an abundance and diversity of resources, we are rarely the beneficiaries of that abundance, though we are the traditional caretakers of those resources.

The spirit of entrepreneurship is strong within us. The lack of jobs in the formal sector is never a reason for an African woman not to have income or some sort of revenue stream. I am always amazed at how we are able to create a living – and sometimes immense wealth – out of thin air, literally embodying the essence of Black Girl Magic. And isn’t that we think of as a “successful life”? Oftentimes, our goals as successful women boil down to how much money or material wealth we can accumulate over time.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. In fact, I think that those key concepts for creating success fiscally should be applauded and applied to our sex lives. Honestly asking: How much time do you invest in ensuring that your sexual life is as fulfilling and healthy as your spiritual, physical or fiscal existence? I’m willing to wager not enough!

Not to worry. We’re here to help. Here are six simple goal setting steps to begin you on your way to getting better sex:


  • Defining success

Every one has their own definition of what success means; or at least they should. If YOU do not define what success looks/feels like, then some one else is going to define it for and impose it on you.

What would you define as a successful sexual encounter? Is it having your body explored in an unconventional way? Is it doing it in a new location? Must it always culminate in an orgasm, or do you merely want to be cuddled and caressed? Do you want to get pregnant? You decide, you define!


  • Education

As with any enterprise you are passionate about, it is important to research. Adding information to your knowledge base is essential for success. Read articles and books that will facilitate your understanding of how to achieve those success points you previously defined. Read reviews on toys and accessories that you may be considering adding to your activity. The more you know, the more you grow.


  • Emotions

Your emotions are like an echo: What you send out is what you get back. What are your attitudes about sex? Is it a chore for you, or something you look forward to engaging in? Your performance AND your experience will depend in large part about how you feel about having sex. You can create the best (or worst) moments based on the emotional frequency you are emitting and riding on. In short, if you’re happy about getting some ass, you’ll be happy while getting some ass.

  • Decide if you want to work with a partner or alone

Think about what type of business woman/student/worker you are. Do you like to work in teams? Do you prefer autonomy? Do you get more accomplished when you work in a group environment or when you are alone? This is your personality! It is irrational to think that these traits would somehow disappear behind closed doors and between the sheets. If you are the type of woman who achieves maximum pleasure masturbating alone with a good glass of wine, your partner’s suggestion to bring a third party into the mix isn’t going to be a turn on. It’s going to be as appealing as drinking a glass of sour milk. Nobody wants sour milk in their mouth.


  • Focus on what you want, rather than what you don’t want

That brings us to the next point: changing your point of focus. We are generally socialized to think about what we don’t want out of life and then advised on ways to avoid those undesirable circumstances. We don’t want to be poor. We don’t want to end up in a broken marriage or relationship. We don’t want to have bad sex. And because we spend so much time focusing on what we DON’T want, we end up getting more of it. Start focusing on how much good sex you’re going to have. Focus on the great relationship you’re going to enjoy. Trade worry for expectation.


  • Discipline

Success in any venture comes down to your devotion to it. You have to be disciplined, even when it looks like you’re not getting the results you want or expect immediately. To quote Beyoncé’s grandmomma “A winner don’t quit on themselves!” Stay faithful to your core values and desires as a sexual being and you will be rewarded for it. Your discipline must include self-control and taking command over your series of experiences.


When setting goals for your sex life, don’t see setbacks as failures. So you didn’t make your partner beg for more and mercy the last time you got hot n’ heavy. So what?! What is important is that you tried. You have to keep trying until you get the results you want. You get back in that bedroom…or back seat. You stay in the game. You go get what you want!


*Do you excel at sex? What other points of advice would you add to this list? Sharing is caring…Don’t be stingy!



5 comments On Goal Setting for A Successful Sex Life

  • Great tips..I will try this and get back to you. Thanks

  • Yay! Can’t wait to hear about the results. Not because I’m nosy, or anything. For research. In the name of science…empirical data and so forth

    Okay, fine! It’s because I’m kokonsa.

  • Love this!
    I’ve often ignored the discipline aspect and often I’ve focused on what I don’t want, so this year has been about recalibrating.

  • With sexual goals, I guess all I can say is that you communicate what you enjoy and want to try. More often than not people feel they will be judged if they say what they want. We all have little perverts inside, life is stressful enough, let her play.

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