How Women Are Finding their Confidence – and Improving their Sex Lives through Technology
The rise of technology over the last few decades has been phenomenal. Through this ever evolving space, women have encountered both significant opportunities and daunting challenges. Digital advancements have certainly given rise to concerning issues such as cyber violence against women and privacy breaches. However, it has also ushered in a wave of empowerment and liberation, particularly in women’s sex lives. From the buzz of innovative sex toys to the immersive experiences offered by teledildonics, and the intimate connections forged through cyber sex, technology has become a catalyst for women to reclaim agency over their pleasure and explore new dimensions of intimacy.
Through surprising, brazen, meaningful, and exhilarating virtual sex encounters, women have learned about their bodies, improved their sex lives, built their confidence, felt more connected than ever before, and discovered the powerful role that technology can play in the pursuit of their pleasure and in the celebration of their sexuality.
Imade, a full time keyboardist at her church, says that she doesn’t have a memory of her body where she wasn’t insecure. “As a child I thought I was too tall because I was taller than all the boys in my school. As a teenager, I thought my shoulders were too broad, and as an adult, as I gained a notable amount of weight over the years, I grew more and more self-conscious.” However, all that changed for Imade when she started to have phone sex with her long-distance partner. “I’d never had virtual sex before,” she says. “I mean, I knew people did it, I had just personally never wanted to try it with anyone I was seeing or anyone I liked before. Until my boyfriend.”
For Imade, it came naturally. “I don’t even remember who initiated it first, or how it started, but that was the first time I ever orgasmed in my life. I almost cried after that call. To be able to come without even being physically touched. Just both of you talking, and watching your partner watch you do your thing and then, orgasm. It was crazy.”
Phone sex helped Imade build her confidence, and her perception about her body. “I know this is a funny thing to say but I felt more confident after each phone call, after each virtually-induced but very real orgasm. Like, okay, this can happen via phone call, hundreds of miles away from each other. He can do things to me and I can do things to him regardless of where we both are in the country. Our attraction and sexuality transcends time and space.”
Imade started taking nudes shortly after she started having phone sex with her partner. “It was so much fun, and I enjoyed all the compliments and gushing, but it genuinely wasn’t for him. It was for me. I’d fallen in love with my body, and taking nudes had almost become a hobby for me. Now I’m no longer self-conscious – even though I weigh far more now than I did then. And I have a ground rule now: I don’t settle for men who can’t even turn me on virtually. If I’m not getting wet over chat or call, then I’m not going to waste my time meeting you in person.”
For Felicia, a content writer, her first cyber sex experience took her – and her prospective partner – by surprise. “This was November last year, not very long ago. I’d been chatting with this woman for a few weeks. It was no secret that I was pursuing her as a romantic prospect.” One night during one of their calls, the conversation pivoted to their sexual preferences and fantasies. “We switched to texting while still on the call. I’d started to feel sleepy already, my eyelids were drooping close, but the sleep disappeared from my eyes so quickly,” says Felicia. “I made sure she was comfortable with the direction we were going in, one thing led to another and we started sexting. It was a ten over ten; hottest experience of 2023 for me. Hearing her breaths and moans over the phone. . .words cannot describe.”
Before then, Felicia had never sexted before because she was a reserved person who also struggled with low self-esteem. “I also lacked trustworthy people in my life. I never trusted anyone to initiate or engage in phone sex with and even when I did, my self-esteem – which was pretty bad then – would get in the way. This time, I was trying to be brave and bold, and my partner made me feel comfortable enough to continue.”
Felicia says the experience made her more confident in her ability to please her partners. “It made me more forthright with my feelings and interactions. My main takeaway was: ‘I’m good with words so I should use those when I can. And bumping body parts isn’t all there is to sex.’”
While Kess, a law student and writer, did not struggle with self-esteem issues like Felicia, she had always found the idea of cyber sex uncomfortable. “I’d sexted with a few guys in the past, but it was always cringe and I never knew what to say. Then one time I was talking to a guy who, despite being halfway across the world from me – in Canada – I felt insane tension and sexual attraction for.”
It started as occasional flirting that would turn Kess on. Then, she felt bold, and initiated a sex call. “I started out shy, but he was so vulnerable and genuine, that I wasn’t shy anymore. I started to touch myself and he walked me through it. I was astonished at how intense it was – I did not know something so virtual could be so intense. When I reached my climax, my mind was blown. I kept saying ‘wow’”.
Since this exhilarating encounter, Kess has become more confident in her sexuality. “I’ve even initiated it with other guys. I also no longer feel self-conscious about the sound of my moans, which was something I used to be self-conscious about.”
Self-consciousness is something that Zainab, a writer and book seller, also struggles with. “I used to love taking nudes before I added weight. I used to buy new underwear just to take pictures. But right now I don’t love my body. I don’t love how I look, and I haven’t done that in a while.”
Even though Zainab is currently struggling with her perception of her body, some of the best sex she’s had has happened with her partner miles away from her. “I used to think I couldn’t orgasm from a sex call. I faked my pleasure and laughed in my mind because it was so silly to me. But one day it happened with my partner and I came and I was so surprised.”
Ola, a customer service representative, shares Zainab’s sentiments about nudes. “I usually take nudes when I feel in love with my body,” she says. “Maybe I just shaved and got new waist beads. I’d have my bath, oil myself and just luxuriate in that feeling and take pictures in my mirror.”
She distinctly remembers her first video call where she and a partner watched each other pleasure themselves. “It was during the Covid19 lockdown. Initially, we would sext, and he would come. One day, we had a video call. I stroked myself while he watched. It was an amazing experience. I’ll never forget the look on his face. He looked like he saw heaven and I loved it,” says Ola. “I had always been self-conscious about my ‘orgasm’ face, but afterward, I wasn’t. I stopped caring what I looked like when I came. I only cared that pleasure had been achieved.”
Dina, a pansexual graduate student, finds that cyber sex helped her bridge the physical gap of a long-distance relationship, and made her feel closer to her partner. “We had sex multiple times throughout our relationship. I think it helped me be in tune with my body and with sex in general. I don’t know how to explain it, but it was an amazing experience all round.”
The same thing goes for Imade, who wishes more women would engage in cyber sex. “Take nudes. Sext men and women! Initiate sex calls. I wish more people would get into and talk about virtual sex, but we’re all still a little hush hush about it.”
Ola says that although she doesn’t take as many nudes as she used to, she still strongly believes it helps you love your body.
“It’s one of the easiest ways to learn more about your body,” Imade agrees. “The things that you learn about pleasure, about your partner, about sex – it’s endless. I want more women to have orgasms without even being touched by another person,” she says. “You’d be surprised how powerful it can make you feel.”
