To the one who first showed me love, I’m sorry.
I remember the late-night calls filled with hours of conversation,
and the way you always made me laugh.
I remember how you helped me to open up,
and how you made me feel pretty for the first time.
We were both young and full of big dreams,
but I remember what it felt like to dream of a beautiful future for you and me.
I remember listening to your plans and wishing they would all come to pass,
and I remember how you wanted to be a better partner and parent than your father was.
And even though it was difficult to believe that you felt so strongly for me,
I remember how wonderful it felt to be loved by you.
I remember why we started to drift apart,
and although it hurt, I understood your reasons for pulling back.
I don’t know where you are now, but I hope you found a girl who could love you back.
And I hope you’ve become the partner and father you’ve always wanted to be.
To the one who first made me feel perfect, I’m sorry.
I remember how sweaty and unpretty I felt the first time we met.
I couldn’t believe you would stop for someone like me,
but you did and wanted to know more about me.
Oh, I remember how respectful and patient you were with me.
With you, I felt what it meant to be seen as adorable in someone’s eyes.
I remember how you would gaze at me with that bad-boy smirk that promised naughty things,
and I remember what it felt like to be the object of someone’s intense attraction.
Most of all, I remember how beautiful you made me feel.
“You’re so perfect,” you would say, often unprovoked.
And although I was struggling with confidence and body dysmorphia, I couldn’t help but believe you.
Because you would say it like it was a simple fact: blood is red, the sky is blue, and Duchess is perfect.
So every time my self-image begins to waver, I remember you.
And I hear your voice in my head saying simply, “You’re perfect as you are, Duchess. You’re so perfect.”
I remember all your ambitions and how hard you worked to make them come true.
So I hope your business is flourishing and you’re living heartily and happily,
making a deserving woman feel as perfect as you made me.
To one who first asked for marriage, I’m sorry.
I didn’t know how to tell you about the panic the idea of marriage made me feel.
You were so sweet and gentle, eager to put a ring on my finger.
“I will not disturb you, I just want to love you and build a life with you,” you would say, gazing at me with eyes that begged me to say “yes”.
But I was afraid of marriage and wary of a lifetime commitment.
So the more you asked, the worse I panicked.
I remember how good you were to me,
and how ready you were to give me anything I wanted.
I’m sorry I couldn’t give you the commitment you needed.
I hope you found the woman to give you that beautiful dream of a family you painted,
and I hope that you’re making her as happy as you once made me.
To the one who made me smile every morning, I’m sorry.
You wanted a chance to prove that you could make me happy,
but hon, I needed to be able to make myself happy first.
I remember all the sweet messages I woke up to,
and your eagerness to help me with any problem or situation.
I remember the way you asked for my opinion on important things,
and how well you stayed within my strict boundaries.
I remember how you looked at me with love,
and I remember that gorgeous smile that betrayed how happy you were to be with me.
I remember how hard you worked to break my walls down,
and how sad it made you when they only trembled and wobbled.
I remember each time you would give up and then return to try to change my mind.
I remember how good you were to me, and I did my best to be good to you too.
I’m sorry I couldn’t love you back the way you deserved,
and I hope you finally found the one who could.
To the others I didn’t write about, I’m sorry.
You’re no less important, and I wish the best for you too.
You helped show me what love looked like and set the standard for how I should be loved.
For that, I’ll always be grateful.
To all the men I couldn’t love back, I’m sorry –
But I had to learn to love myself first,
and to deal with my demons and hidden baggage.
I may not have been able to give you all my heart,
but a piece of it will always belong to you.
I will remember you in my prayers, and I will always wish the best for you.
I hope you’re healthy and flourishing,
and I hope that you found the women who could love you too.
