Sex is meant to be pleasurable for both partners, yet the “orgasm gap”—the disparity between the orgasm rates of men and women during sex—indicates that women often miss out on the satisfaction they deserve in heterosexual relationships. A study of more than 50,000 people found that 95% of heterosexual men said they usually or always orgasm when sexually intimate, while only 65% of heterosexual women said the same. Many other studies indicate that women orgasm more on their own than with a male partner. Here are three reasons why the orgasm gap should not even exist and how to bridge it.
Why The Orgasm Gap Should Not Exist
1. Women Have Many Erogenous Zones
With the many ways to pleasure a woman’s body, women shouldn’t have to endure unfulfilling sex. The erogenous zones, or the points on the body you can touch to stimulate pleasure, are abundant in a woman’s body, and each zone can provide immense pleasure. Let’s set aside the clitoris (which is apparently hard for the “higher gender” to find) for a minute. Here are a few other areas to explore that are right there and impossible to miss:
- Breasts and Nipples: These areas are packed with nerve endings that respond beautifully to gentle touch, sucking, or licking. I mean, there are so many ways to stimulate the breasts and nipples for a woman’s pleasure.
- Inner Thighs and Neck: Light touches and kisses, and sometimes, sucking and little nips in these areas can heighten arousal.
- Navel and lower stomach: Tracing circles around the navel with your tongue, fingertips, or even a feather, then working your way down and around the stomach creates delicious sensations that stimulate pleasure.
2. There are a Variety of Sex Toys and Aids
With the variety of sex toys available to aid in women’s pleasure, there is no reason for a woman to leave a sexual encounter unfulfilled. There is a reason there are a wider variety of sex toys for women than men. There are vibrators, dildos, remote-controlled toys, and suction devices. They come in various sizes and a wide price range. So there is really no excuse. Let’s have a quick breakdown of how they can help:
- Vibrators: These can provide consistent, intense stimulation to the clitoris and other erogenous zones.
- Dildos: They come in various shapes and sizes and can help with internal stimulation.
- Remote-Controlled Toys: These add an element of surprise and can be controlled by you or your partner.
- Suction Devices: These pleasurable devices mimic the sensation of oral sex on the clitoris. A popular example is the rose toy.
Although toys are popular for single women and women in same-sex relationships, they can also enhance heterosexual relationships. Using these tools can help women explore their bodies, understand what feels good, and achieve orgasms more consistently.
3. Women Can Have Multiple Orgasms
Women generally have a shorter refractory period than men. This advantage means that most women are physically capable of having several orgasms in minutes or even seconds apart. Although psychological factors may be a hindrance in achieving this, it is physically possible. Women’s ability to have multiple orgasms in a shorter period than men means that the chances of an orgasm should be higher, not lower.
How to Bridge The Orgasm Gap
The orgasm gap is often fuelled by myths and misconceptions about female pleasure. Before we talk about bridging the gap, let’s debunk some myths surrounding it.
- Women are naturally less likely to experience orgasm than men: This claim is untrue. Studies have indicated that women can have orgasms just as frequently as men; it often comes down to the quality of stimulation and understanding of their bodies. The fact that the orgasm gap only appears in heterosexual relationships indicates this. Women achieve orgasms by themselves and in same-sex relationships.
- Vaginal penetration alone should be enough: Many women require clitoral stimulation to achieve orgasm, and that’s perfectly normal. A study indicated that only about 20% of women are able to achieve an orgasm from penetration alone.
The orgasm gap exists because of a lack of understanding of the female body, selfishness, impatience, arrogance, misogyny, and communication barriers. Stress is also another factor that can prevent women from achieving orgasms.
Here are some ways to bridge the orgasm gap:
FOR WOMEN:
- Be Honest: Many women share how often they moan loudly even though they aren’t feeling any pleasure and pretend to enjoy sex with their partners. Sis, this is part of the reason some men think they are King Kongs in bed when they honestly won’t even qualify to be a servant. If you’re comfortable enough to get naked with somebody, you should be able to share your likes, dislikes, and fantasies with them. Clear communication can remove guesswork and strengthen your sexual relationship.
Due to cultural expectations and reinforced purity culture, African women in particular can be wary of being considered promiscuous if they are vocal about their needs in the bedroom. Ladies, sex is more enjoyable with men who want you to enjoy it too.
- Use Positive Reinforcement: In the same vein, encourage your partner when they do something you enjoy. Be vocal about what they’re doing right to encourage them and make them feel more confident and willing to try new things for your pleasure.
- Set Boundaries: Again, be vocal. Don’t be afraid to say no to things that don’t feel right; communicate your boundaries clearly and openly and enforce them. Mutual respect is important.
- Experiment: You can’t get new results by using the same methods, so don’t be afraid to explore what feels good for you. Try new techniques, positions, and toys. You might be surprised by what you discover!
- Educate Yourself: Read books, watch educational videos, and learn about the female body and sexuality. Knowledge, they say, is power. This is one instance where ignorance will not bring you bliss.
- Ask for What You Want: Don’t be shy about guiding your partner or directly asking for the stimulation you need. Remember that they can’t read your mind, and in the throes of pleasure, some non-verbal cues may be misread, misunderstood, or completely missed!
- Figure Out What Works For You: Every woman’s journey to orgasm is different. If something doesn’t work for you, don’t force it. Enjoy your unique experiences and preferences. You don’t have to like something just because every woman you know swears by it.
FOR MEN:
- Educate yourself on women’s anatomy and pleasure: Knowledge is power, especially when it comes to sexual satisfaction. A study found that 44% of college men couldn’t identify the clitoris. Take the time to learn about the female anatomy, particularly the clitoris and its role in pleasure. Bear in mind that porn is NOT a way to educate yourself.
- Practice Active Listening: Ensure that you listen to your partner’s needs and desires. Women’s bodies are different, and techniques that may work for one partner may not work for another. Listen to your partner’s likes and dislikes instead of what has worked for others.
- Prioritise Foreplay and External Stimulation: Don’t rush. Quality over quantity is key when it comes to sexual satisfaction. The average sexual encounter lasts only 7–14 minutes, which often isn’t enough time for women to become fully aroused and reach orgasm. Many women require clitoral stimulation to achieve orgasm. Focus on foreplay and external stimulation before moving to penetration. Also consider incorporating sex toys to aid stimulation. Talk to your partner about the possibility of introducing toys into your sex life.
- Focus on Pleasure, Not Performance: Focus on giving her pleasure instead of giving her a show. This approach will make you more attentive to her reactions and non-verbal cues. It can also reduce performance anxiety and create a more relaxed, enjoyable experience for both partners.
- Encourage her to be vocal and take feedback: Many women, especially African women, are not sexually open. Encourage your partner to communicate their desires with you. When they share what feels good to them and what doesn’t, listen to their honest feedback and use it to adjust your approach to enhance your shared experience.
- Create a relaxing environment: Stress, anxiety, and distractions can hinder sexual satisfaction in women. Help your partner avoid being overloaded with daily stress. You can also enhance her senses by setting the mood with dim lighting, comfortable bedding, and perhaps soft music.
- Experiment: Don’t be boring. Try different stroke patterns and depths to prolong pleasure. Be open to experimenting within you and your partner’s boundaries. Open communication builds trust and makes experimentation less daunting.
Conclusion
Sex should be enjoyable for both parties, so the orgasm gap should not be a thing. Closing the orgasm gap is a shared responsibility that requires effort, communication, and a genuine desire to enhance mutual satisfaction. Men, do better. Take your time to learn about your partner’s body and what she enjoys. Don’t rush through sex. Penetration is rarely enough for women; foreplay is necessary. Listen to her needs and prioritise her pleasure the same way you do yours.
Ladies, life is too short to be having unsatisfying sex. Be vocal. Empower yourself, embrace your desires, and don’t settle for an unsatisfying sex life. You deserve to experience the full spectrum of pleasure and joy that your body is capable of.
