Written by Nobuhle Nyoni
PART 1
Siphesihle didn’t know what to do or say. Ropa anxiously sat beside her friend, wondering if she had just ruined their relationship.
“Do you mind if I go home?” Sphe asked with a shaky voice.
“Uhm, no, I guess,” Ropa replied hesitantly.
“Thanks, I will see myself out.”
Siphesihle got up to leave the room. As she bolted for the door, Ropa’s mother called out to her. She didn’t want to stop because she was not sure what she would say to her. So she just ran and only stopped when she was down the road.
“What just happened? The girl I have been calling my best friend has been mean to me because she has a crush on me. It feels like I am the main character of a twisted movie. Of all the things I thought would happen today, Ropa’s confession did not cross my mind. Ropa likes girls. It finally makes sense now. When Luke sent her a note, she was disgusted by the idea of being with him. Yet, he is one of the cool boys in school.
She has always had something negative to say about boys, no matter who they were or what they did. I didn’t think it was because she was a lesbian. Oh, Mary, Mother of God, are we going to hell? Why would she sign me up for hell?
Who do I tell about this? My mom? No, that is a bad idea. My mother will ban me from having friends again. Dr. T. might understand. But I won’t be seeing her for another two weeks. What do I do in the meantime? I knew going there was a mistake. The conversation was a mistake. Dr. T. was wrong. This entire situation sucks!”
Siphesihle walked into the house with her head hanging low. When she saw her mother, she ran to her, hugged her and started sobbing. She was overwhelmed with emotions. She had mentally prepared herself for a fight, an argument or an apology. All it took was a 30-minute visit for her world to crumble.
“Sphe, what is wrong? What happened?”
“I don’t know, Mom. I don’t know.”
Siphesihle’s mother was worried, and her mind started racing through different scenarios. She wondered if someone had touched her daughter inappropriately. She swallowed, silently praying that it was not the case.
“Did someone touch you, Siphesihle?”
“No, Mom, nothing like that happened. I don’t know if I still have a friend. I was embarrassed to tell you that Ropa is my only friend. But I may have ruined things today, that’s all,” Sphe said, wiping her tears away.
“Sphe, I am sorry. What do you need me to do?” her mother asked.
“I think I will go to my room and take a nap. Thank you, Mom,” Sphe said as she walked away from her mother.
Siphesihle’s mother felt defeated. She remembered that Ropa’s mother had called her to confirm that Sphe had indeed arrived and decided to give her a call. It was the only way she would find out what had happened.
“Hi Mampho, it’s Nto, Siphesihle’s Mom.”
“Hi Nto, I was just about to give you a ring. Is Siphesihle alright? She left here in a rush and seemed upset. But my daughter is also not speaking and seems upset. She thinks she ruined their friendship. I do not know how, though.”
“That is what Siphesihle is saying as well. I don’t know what to do.”
“Maybe this is not our fight, Nto. Teenagers are confusing, I tell you.”
Sphe’s mother laughed, saying, “Maybe they like the same boy. I guess we have to wait and see what happens. Thank you so much, Mampho.”
“No problem. Enjoy parenting today,” Ropa’s Mom said before hanging up the phone.
Siphesihle’s mother decided to let it go. Unless one of the girls shared more information, she couldn’t do anything about the situation. She went back to baking and hoped that by dinnertime, Siphesihle would be in better spirits.
Meanwhile, Siphesihle was in her room googling about lesbianism. All she had known from church was that it was a sin. She knew that in society, it was unacceptable. But she also knew that she didn’t hate being kissed by Ropa. The blogs she found were encouraging, but the news articles about how society behaves towards gay people in Zimbabwe sent chills down her spine.
“I do not know what to do. The internet says I might be bisexual, but I know my father will burn this house down before he accepts that I like girls. Until today, I had never thought about girls that way. Am I confusing my love for her as a friend for being part lesbian? I wouldn’t fight the ground if it tried to swallow me right now.
But what does sex look like with another girl?”
Curiosity led her pack to pornhub.
“This is strictly for research purposes. I will not be sinning again today. I want to see what it looks like.”
She grabbed her headphones because she didn’t want a case of embarrassment. The website had so many options. But she opted for a video with a black girl and a white girl. The first scene was of them kissing while standing against the wall. Their hands were exploring each other’s bodies. Slowly, they moved from the wall to the couch, lying on top of each other, still kissing and moaning.
Giving each other turns, they licked each other’s boobs. With each kiss, lick and touch, they slowly took their clothes off, baring their bodies. The black girl lay on her back, and the white girl started kissing her inner thighs and moved further and further up before teasing her with licks on her clit. Her moans filled up the room.
She stopped licking her and rubbed her clit instead, which made her moans even louder. The black girl pulled her back up and kissed her. Then she whispered, ‘Sit on my face; let me taste you,’ to which the white girl obliged. She ate her pussy as she moved her hips back and forth.
Siphesihle felt herself getting wet, and she hated it. She didn’t expect to be turned on by girl-on-girl action. She wondered if Ropa already knew all this and if she would want to try it with her, but she quickly brushed that thought off. When she looked back on the screen, the girls were sitting on top of each other, bumping their pussies. The urge to touch herself became impossible to ignore.
She stopped watching and let their moans lead her as she started touching herself. She closed her eyes and imagined herself kissing Ropa again. Only this time, she wasn’t frozen. She kissed her back and touched her. She slid her hands under Ropa’s shirt and caressed her boob and asked her if she liked it, to which Ropa let out a moan. Ropa touched her and kissed her neck, which made her moan.
They got on the bed. Sphe lay on her back, and Ropa sat on top of her. She started rocking back and forth while kissing her. Sphe rocked her body to the rhythm of Ropa’s, and together they moaned. She couldn’t hold it anymore. She could feel her orgasm building up. She exchanged between rubbing her clit and inserting a finger inside her. Sphe held her breath to stop herself from screaming. Her vagina exploded, and she gasped for air. She rubbed her clit until she couldn’t take it anymore.
Only then did she realise the video had been over.
“So this entire time, I was going off my desires. I am a sinner.”
She moved herself only to realise she had messed up her bedding. She had given herself the first squirt of her life and didn’t even know it. She panicked because there was no way of hiding her mess but to change the bedding, except it was fresh bedding from two days ago. She decided the best thing to do was to put a throw over it and hope for the best. Changing the bedding was going to raise eyebrows.
As she showered, her mind didn’t stop racing.
“All of this is confusing. I enjoy touching myself when I shouldn’t, so that’s great. I might like girls, another signal of my brokenness. Mandla is still waiting to hear from me, and I can’t find the words or the time to put the words together. How did the adults figure these things out? It is exhausting to try and do right by everyone.”
She sighed as she stepped out of the shower. She felt so tired she just wanted to nap, but a knock on her door startled her.
“I just got out of the shower. Please give me a minute,” Sphe shouted.
Her mother replied, “I just wanted to tell you that dinner is ready. See you in a bit.”
“Dinner? What time is it? Time flies when you sin, huh?”
She went to the dinner table only to find that her father was not there. He had left in the morning and had not returned. Sphe got the uncomfortable feeling she had been putting off about her father’s change in behaviour. She knew something was afoot but couldn’t start the conversation. Her mother showed no worry about that, or she pretended very well.
“Where is Dad? He is always here for dinner,” she asked.
“He is still at Uncle Russell’s place. They were having a braai today to celebrate his promotion at work. I am sure he will be back soon. Are you feeling any better?” her mother responded, changing the subject.
“I am alright. I do feel tired and can’t wait to sleep.”
The conversation went no further. Dinner was silent. When Sphe finished eating, she prepared to go through her usual cleaning routine when her mother stopped her and told her she would do it. That had never happened before, but she chose to accept the break. She went back to her room. A few minutes later, her mother knocked on her door again.
“Come in, Mama.”
“I just brought you some dessert – cake and ice cream. Good night, Sphe.”
“Thank you. Good night.”
“Should I have more meltdowns? I might commit to that if it results in this type of treatment,” she laughed.
She gobbled up her dessert. When she finally lay down, she fell asleep right away. Sunday came around, and all she worried about was what her Monday would look like. She played out every scenario she could imagine, and none had happy endings. It still bothered her that she had not seen her father either. When she asked her mother, she didn’t give a satisfying response. But she didn’t want to push too hard, so she let it go and focused on obsessing over her situation.
It was 8 p.m. on Sunday when she heard the gate open. There was her father arriving home. She jumped out of bed and went to see him. Yes, they did not speak much, but she loved him and missed his presence in the house. When she got to the lounge, he was walking in. He was still wearing the clothes he had on when he left Saturday morning.
“Mother said he came back late but had to leave early in the morning for golf. She lied. Why did she lie?”
She turned to look at her mother, who had not noticed she had come to see her father. Her mother’s facial expression spoke volumes, but the one thing Sphe picked up from it was an apology.
“Dad never came home yesterday, and she didn’t want me to know. In most stories, divorce looks like this. Is that about to be my life?”
She looked at both of her parents. And without saying a word, she walked away. Sphe’s mother shot a look at her husband. She was livid. She had been lying to protect their daughter, and she hated that. She hated her husband for making her lie.
It finally made sense to Sphe. Her mother wanted her to be in her room when her father returned so she wouldn’t learn that he had slept out. She was angry about the lie her mother had told. As she thought about that, she realised she was overlooking something else.
“Where was Dad, though? He has been disappearing more frequently. I didn’t want to think the worst, but I think the worst has already happened. Let me sleep. I can’t take any more thinking for tonight.”
She tossed and turned in bed. Anger and anxiety were ruling over her desire to sleep. She reached for her pain pills and popped two. She knew those would knock her out no matter what. And they did. She woke up with a heavy heart and wished she could see Dr. T. on that very day. She needed someone to talk to. And the only person she could trust was Dr. T.
Her best friend had lied to her for years. Her mother had lied. Her father was doing something shady. She was lying to herself. She needed an escape.
Breakfast was awkward. There was an elephant lodged in everyone’s throat, but nobody coughed it up. Her mother looked tired. Her eyes were puffy like a person who had been crying all night. Her father kept his face buried in his newspaper. Sphe ate as fast as she could. She wanted to escape the silent chaos.
When she exited their gate, she took in the fresh air. The house felt suffocating, but new worries awaited her in the fresh air. She was going to face Ropa, and she still didn’t know what to say to her. She partly hoped she would find her waiting at their usual spot. The walk to school would be enough to shake off the weird energy she anticipated. Yet that would mean a conversation would have to happen.
She stopped to take a breath before she turned the corner. There was Ropa, waiting for her.
