Written by Nobuhle Nyoni
PART 3
“Hi Sphe, how are you today?” Dr. T asked.
“I am angry. Remember the part in my letter when I said I wasn’t sure of how much my father loved me? I know now that it’s not just me he didn’t love. He didn’t love my mother either. He went and cheated on her, and even then, when she knew what he was doing, she still showed up for him. She lied to cover up his mess. Who hurts a woman who loves like that? I heard him say, ‘Lower your voice. Do you want our daughter to hear you?’ My father was more invested in protecting his image than soothing my mother’s pain. I didn’t hear him apologising for breaking her heart. I hate him for that, Dr. T,” Sphe said, barely catching her breath.
“Sphe, breathe,” Dr. T said.
Sphe was choking on the tears she was trying to hold back.
“Let it out. Don’t hold it in, Sphe,” Dr. T said.
Sphe’s tears ran down her face. She could barely control herself. It felt like releasing all the anger she had stored away. Dr. T handed her a facial tissue to wipe her tears when she began calming down. As Sphe calmed herself down, Dr. T brought her some water.
“I am sorry you are going through this, Siphesihle. I know it is hard to hear your parents argue or to watch one of them get hurt. I need you to remember that this is their fight, not yours. You are allowed to be hurt, but you are not the reason for what is happening. Your father allegedly cheating does not mean he never loved you, either. You may have felt like he didn’t love you because there were things you expected from him that he didn’t give you, but it doesn’t mean the love wasn’t there. Have you ever expressed your feelings to your father?”
“No, he doesn’t speak to me much. He only ever addresses me when it has to do with school. Even then, he reminds me how expensive the things I need are. It makes me feel like I am just a calculation to him. When Mom signed me up for therapy, he made mention of the cost. All I am is an expense,” Sphe replied.
“Sphe, I am sorry you feel that way. I can’t tell you why your father equates you and your needs to money. But I can tell you that he does love you. He is showing you love the way he knows how to, and that’s how it works with everyone. Trying to protect you this morning was an act of love. You didn’t see it because you learnt he was hurting your mother.
When you shared earlier, you said you hated your father for hurting your mother. You also said that your mother lied to you when you asked questions about your dad, right?”
Sphe nodded her head in response.
“Lies are hurtful. So why are you angrier with your dad than with your mom?” Dr. T asked.
“I…don’t know. Dad’s actions feel worse than hers.”
“Sphe, they are both lies. Your father lied about only being with your mom. Your mother lied about your dad’s whereabouts. They both lied to you.”
“I guess it’s easier to hate my dad because he has never made an effort to get to know me. He provides and lives his life. My mother sees me, she listens to me, and she cares.”
“When your father goes to work, he has you on his mind. When he pays for the things you need, that’s love. I understand that you need more. We all need more, but what have you done to get more? We expect our parents to guess how we feel and want to be loved, but they are humans trying to figure life out, too.”
Before Dr. T could start her next sentence, Sphe interjected and said, “Please don’t ask me to talk about my feelings with my father or mother. The last time I did that, I found out my best friend had a crush on me and had been ill-treating me so she could keep me to herself. Very twisted.”
Dr. T took down some notes before saying, “I was going to say, give your parents grace. They are doing their best. And the only way your parents can do better is by learning from their mistakes like you do. If you want to talk to your parents during a session, let me know, and I will be happy to set it up. Therapy is your safe space, Sphe,” Dr. T said reassuringly.
There was a pause as Dr. T waited for Sphe to say something, but she didn’t. So she picked up her notepad before saying, “How are you feeling?”
“Better. I didn’t think about how my mother had lied to me and how wrong it was. I guess everyone is not perfect,” she said in a low voice.
“No, we are not. Our time is almost up. I thought we would look at the letter today, but I am happy we addressed your feelings about your mother and father. I do want to talk about this situation with Ropa. So we can pick that up next week, yes?” Dr. T asked.
“Yes, we can. I thought I would tell you about that today, but life happened,” she replied jokingly.
“Life always happens. Remember, your parents’ fight is not yours, Sphe. Don’t involve yourself, alright? In the meantime, allow yourself to cry when it hurts. I will see you next time.”
“Thank you, Dr. T,” Sphe said as she left the office.
Sphe went to the bathroom and realised her eyes were puffy from the crying. Her immediate thought was to cancel her date with Mandla, but she couldn’t because she didn’t have a phone. She sighed because she knew that standing him up would hurt his feelings. Her mother’s heart broke because she could tell Sphe had been crying. She suspected it was because of earlier events.
As they drove to the mall, Sphe became anxious because she thought about explaining to Mandla why she looked like she had been crying. She wasn’t sure that he would understand why she was in therapy. She feared he would judge her and stop liking her altogether.
“How do I explain my puffy eyes to this boy, Mom? What if I tell him I am in therapy, and he stops liking me?” Sphe asked her mother.
“Then he doesn’t want the real you or the truth. Be honest with him. I am sure it will be alright. And I am sorry you are going on your first date with puffy eyes,” Sphe’s mother replied.
They found a parking space. Sphe’s mother reached into her handbag and handed her $15.
“Have fun. See you at 2 p.m. I will be parked right here,” Sphe’s mother said, waving at her.
“Thanks, Mom,” Sphe said, storing her money away.
Her heart was beating as she walked to their meeting spot. She turned the corner, and there he was. He wore black jeans, a white T-shirt, and a pair of black and white Jordans. He was looking down at his phone, but as if he could feel her presence, he looked up and smiled at her. She felt warm inside. When Sphe was two steps away from Mandla, he opened his arms for a hug. She fit perfectly between his arms and wished she could stay there.
“Hi Sphe, you look beautiful,” Mandla said, still holding her.
“You will make me cry; stop it,” she said, tears streaming down her face.
“Baby, what’s wrong?”
“Did he just…call me baby?”
“I am having a fragile day,” Sphe said, pulling away to wipe her tears.
“Will ice cream fix it?” Mandla asked.
“We can find out,” Sphe said, smiling.
Mandla reached for her hand and led the way to the ice cream shop. The entire time, Sphe couldn’t believe this was happening. She questioned his sanity.
“How could he like me? I am a plain girl. Boys don’t like me. Every day, it feels like a prank.”
They walked into the shop, and he turned to her and said, “Waffle with plain vanilla ice cream?”
“Perfect,” she replied.
“Find us a spot, and I will place the order,” Mandla said.
It felt like the love gods were on their side because she found the perfect booth at the far end of the shop. She sat down and waited for him.
“Our order will be ready in 10 minutes,” Mandla said, sitting down.
“Thank you, Mandla,” Sphe replied.
“What’s wrong, Sphe? You don’t seem to be alright,” Mandla asked.
Sphe had hoped he wouldn’t ask. She cleared her throat and said, “Well, I am coming from a therapy session. It was heavy today. I am going through a rough patch, but I promise I am not crazy.”
Mandla held out his hands as an invitation for her to put her hands in his.
“I don’t think you are crazy. I might be going to therapy soon as well because my parents are going through a divorce. I think you will be alright, baby. And if you want to share with me when you are ready to, I will be here,” Mandla said.
Sphe smiled and thanked him for his kindness. He cracked a joke, and the atmosphere changed. They got along so well that the 2 hours flew by. Sphe didn’t want to get into trouble with her Mom, so she told him she had to leave.
“Before you go, I need to give you this. You can only read it when you get home,” Mandla said, handing her a sealed envelope.
He got up, hugged her, and kissed her forehead. Sphe looked up at him. With longing eyes, he leaned in and kissed her softly on the lips.
“I have to go,” she said, smiling at him.
“I know, baby,” he said, kissing her forehead again.
“Talk later?” she asked him.
“Of course,” Mandla replied, taking her hand to lead her out of the shop.
Sphe had forgotten how hard her morning was. Mandla had brought so much light to her day. She appreciated him so much. She found her mother waiting in the car. Sphe could barely hide her smile.
“By the looks of things, your first date went well,” her mother said.
Sphe smiled at her mother and said nothing. She couldn’t wait to get to her haven. All she wanted was to replay the events of the day. Sphe wished she could put the memories in a bottle so they would last forever.
They arrived home and Sphe’s father was not home, but she didn’t notice. She cared very little about that. She had a note that she wanted to read. She closed the door to her bedroom, sat on the floor and ripped the envelope open.
If you are reading this, it means we spent part of the day together, and I know I had a good time with you. I hope you had a good time with me too. I have liked you for a long time and think it would be a mistake not to ask you to be my girlfriend.
Siphesihle, would you be my girlfriend?
I will be waiting for my response tonight.
Love,
Mandla, a.k.a. Ndlenkosi
Sphe was so happy she didn’t want to wait too long. She grabbed her laptop and logged into her Twitter.
The first tweet she saw was from Ropa that read, ‘The cards look sorrowful. The cards are me. I am the cards.’
“What does that even mean?”
Sphe shook it off and typed, ‘Yes, I will be the girl that laughs at your unfunny jokes,’ to which Mandla responded with a dancing emoji.
She saw Ropa’s message asking her how the date went. Heat travelled through her body because she didn’t want to hurt her friend. She contemplated between replying and pretending the message didn’t exist.
‘It was alright. We had ice cream, and then Mom picked me up and brought me back home. He did ask me to be his girlfriend, and I said…’ she paused and hesitated about telling Ropa that part. She decided to delete it.
“It’s not a lie. It’s a piece of information Ropa doesn’t have for now. I finally have a boyfriend who is sweet and kind. He likes me, and that is nice to think about. I hope it lasts long. I am happy here.”
Sphe spent most of her weekend floating. She felt like she was in love. He had not said the three magic words yet, so she held onto them because she wanted him to say it first.
On Monday, it was back to school, and it was as if the gossip girl had gotten wind of her relationship because it was the topic. Sphe got anxious because she had not updated Ropa about it being an actual relationship. Yet Ropa didn’t bring it up. Their days were normal for the most part. The only difference was that Sphe would have moments of chilling with Mandla. They were cute together, and Ropa hated it. But she chose to pretend.
“Ropa, would you like to come for a sleepover this weekend? A birthday party doesn’t make sense right now. Who would I invite?” Sphe said, laughing.
“I wouldn’t miss it for the world. I will get my Mom to call your Mom. That is so exciting!” Ropa replied.
Sphe woke up one year older on Wednesday. She didn’t feel the difference, but she was excited. Her parents wished her a happy birthday, and there were no speeches this time. She was grateful, but it also spoke volumes. Neither of her parents was coping. They were barely hanging on.
“It is not my fight.”
Ropa burst into song the moment she saw Sphe coming her way. It was funny but filled with love. Siphesihle was unprepared for what Mandla had done for her. She walked into class to find a balloon tied to her chair that read, ‘Happy birthday.’ It put all the attention on Sphe, and she blushed. When she pulled the chair out to sit, there was a little wrapped box and an envelope that read, ‘For my baby.’
She didn’t have time to open it because their teacher walked in. She quickly packed it away. She kept wondering what was in that tiny box through her classes. Girls from her class hung with her during break time because they wanted to know about her relationship. It was awkward for her, and she gave them little information because she didn’t trust them.
Lunch finally came around, and she disappeared with Ropa to the school grounds. She sat by the bench, and Mandla came to join her. It was like a routine for them, and she liked it.
“Are you going to open it?” Mandla asked.
“I think now is a safe time to do it. There are no nosy people around,” Sphe laughed.
She pulled the box out of her bag. She unstuck one piece of tape at a time. Her goal was to open it neatly.
“Are you looking to reuse that wrapping paper? I could bring the leftover roll, you know?” Mandla said sarcastically.
“Haha, very funny,” she replied.
She stared at the box before opening it. When she did, her jaw dropped. Mandla had gotten her a gold necklace that said, ‘I love you.’ She kept looking at it. She was in so much disbelief at what was happening.
“Mandla, thank you. You remembered that I like gold. You might be the boyfriend of the year. The key word is might,” Sphe said.
“We will see about that. May I put it around your neck?” Mandla asked.
“Don’t kill me whilst you are at it,” they both laughed.
“Honestly, how did I scoop such a caring boy? He has made my birthday special, allowing me to forget everything happening at home.”
She turned to look at him and said, “I love you too, Ndlenkosi.”
He blushed, and deep down, they both hoped they could kiss. But that would get them in trouble, so they smiled at each other.
“Do you two want to get a closet or something?” Ropa said.
It startled them a little because they didn’t see her coming. They all laughed, and off they went. Sphe and Ropa made plans for their sleepover. The games they would play, movies to watch, and TikTok challenges to try out. They were both so excited to spend the weekend together. Sphe worried Ropa would see through the cracks her parents had created between them.
“She might not notice since she is meeting them for the first time. I can feel it because I know what is happening and have lived with them all my life. I hope my father doesn’t choose to upset my mother any more than he already has this weekend. How do parents fix things like this? How does someone get past the lies?
I am doing my best to stay in my lane, but I can see my mother losing weight. She has lost the spark in her eyes. That is what betrayal does to people. I wish I could save her. My father looks frail. Maybe I should have given him a chance to explain. No, he is the parent. He should have tried harder.
It is not my fight. It is not my fault.”
